Friday, January 02, 2009

Following God

Do you ever feel like a fraud? I feel like one constantly. I feel like when I'm writing here I'm all over the place. I wish sometimes I could just post it all. I have quite a few "saved" posts that will never see the light of day so to speak. I find that I start off with one thing and turn around and am going in the completely opposite direction and it doesn't flow together at all. The thing is though, that's truly how my mind works. If you talk to me in person or on the phone...I'm all over the place and often forget what I'm saying midsentence. I often find myself writing that way and well, it just doesn't work.

My heart is all about sharing more about Jordyn, yet let me tell you the longer she's in Heaven the more personal her story gets to my heart. It's out there for anyone to read, yet to share even more, is just almost more than I can bare. I love talking about her, yet find myself doing it less and less. Fewer people ask (IRL), more than enough are simply uncomfortable talking about my child who gaspeDIEDgasp. I guess if it weren't me, I could easily be one of them. There are those who just don't know what to say and are worried that they'll say the wrong thing, so they say nothing at all. There are those who just don't want to live in a world where children die, so they pretend that I'm only a mother of 3 and keep their sunshines and rainbows all around themselves. I'm here to tell you those sunshine and rainbows...turn into thunder and storms when you least expect them to.

I'm an over all happy person. I love my life, I wouldn't change it. Yes you read that right, I would not change it. I wouldn't bring Jordyn back. She's with our Savior, so why would I bring her back to this fallen world? She's perfect, she's healthy, she's in no pain, and most importantly she's with Jesus! I would love it if her story had been different. If she'd never had cancer or had been one of the children who survived. That's not our story though, it's not her story.

So where am I going with all of this. Right now, right this moment I'm feeling led. Once a month I'm going to share a part of Jordyn with you. Now I don't know where God is going to lead me with this, but I feel that he's leading me here and I'm going to obey.

So...hello, I'm Christy. I'm the mother of 4 children and wife of Chad. Our oldest daughter Jordyn Ashleigh died at the age of 2 yrs 1 month 8 days. She battled AML leukemia for nearly 14 months. She was diagnosed at Landstuhl Army Medical Center in Landstuhl, Germany. Treated at Homburg University for 6 weeks, and then transferred to Walter Reed Army Medical Center and had her Bone Marrow Transplant at Children's National in DC. Those are the outside facts.
The inside scoop...she was fantastic. She loved to have tea parties. She had one of the most amazing drs while in Germany who although crazy busy would stop and have a tea party with her, laugh, and just simply love on her. She chased one of her new drs down the halls of Pediatrics In patient calling after him "Daddy" while he looked NOTHING like her Daddy (who was in Germany getting all of our belongings packed and shipped over to the states). She had eyes that sparkled and danced and everyone who met her commented on them. They were hazzle and beautiful and I swear I could see the love of Jesus in them.

That's just a tiny bit of my Jordyn. She made me a mother, showed me just how much I could love, and how much my heart could break. Even knowing how the story would end on this earth...I'd do it again in a heartbeat for just one day with her.

I'm not ashamed to make you a little uncomfortable or to make you shift in your seat. I'm not worried if tears fall down, or your eyes remain dry. My only concern is to obey God. I feel his urging to share her with you, and although I don't know why...I'm going to obey. I've been blessed beyond measure. I hope you'll walk with me through this sharing process, open your heart and be blessed. Not by my words, but by the Lord. Jordyn helped to lead me to know my Savior in a whole new way, she showed trust that was beyond me at 23 (she was not even 2 through most of it!).

God Bless


Leene said...

I have a very good friend who lost her son at six months and I'll be honest I feel unsure of what to say when she starts talking about him. I worry that I'll say the wrong thing so I will listen and hope what ever I say helps - not that anything really would. You have written about Jordyn before and I am always touched by what you write, she sounds like an amazing and precious little girl. Leene

Mom on a coulee said...

Thank you for sharing and obey, I did have tears for your open honest heart. May God Bless you on your journey.

Jen said...

Great post. My dad died when I was 8, and no one ever talked about him. I hated that. But I understand. No one wants to cause more pain.
On a funny note, my (ex)husband was in the Air Force, and once my 2yr old was at the hospital (where he worked)and went running and calling "daddy" after another guy in BDU's. He turned around and looked mortified. I should mention, he was black, and we are not. :)
Happy 2009,

CntryMomma said...

{{big hugs}}} Beautiful entry. (And not at all all over the place! haha)


Janette said...

I would love to walk with you through the journey of your child- on earth and in heaven.Tears flowed- but it is good for you and for me.You will be able to introduce me to another angel in heaven. for that I thank you!
BTW- my 2 year old son once grabbed an officer in a BX and called him Daddy. That man was the commandant of the Marine corps- lol. You should have seen HIS face. My son is now an Army helicopter pilot and blushes every time I tell the story (especially to his Marine bil!)

Terri said...

Wonderful entry..and not all over the place at all...I write all over the place..I call it rambling..haha

I would like to walk down this journey with you my friend...I love learning more about Jordyn..maybe you are feeling led to do this because somewhere out there someone is reading and going through the exact same thing or going to and needs your guidance...

Thank you for allowing us to come along on this journey with you...


bp said...

May God bless your heart for obeying His leading. I appreciate what you shared and look forward to learning more about Jordyn.