Grace

Over the last couple of days, the Lord has truly worked on my heart, in ways I did not imagine. I have already been struggling a bit with Jordyn's diagnosis date (24th) and her birthday (30th) coming up, then Skittles our 2 year old Yorkie died on Wednesday evening and it just opened my eyes to how harsh my attitude towards others for so many various things and I've been too hard on my kids on so many aspects. I do not enjoy them nearly as much as I should. I do not rejoice in them. I'm not the fun parent, I am the complete opposite of the fun parent. I want my kids to grow up with the values and morals Chad and I believe in and feel strongly about, but I don't have to go about it so harshly. I need to show them far more grace than I have over the years. I only have one shot and I do not want my kids growing up to resent me, looking back and focusing on the negative because that's where most of their memories of me are focused at. I want to be their soft place to fall and I have not been, that's been Chad's role and that's not okay.

The Lord did not create me to be a constant mean mom. He called me to be a loving, safe, God-fearing, God-LEADING mother. I don't know how much of those things I've been to my kids and it's been a harsh reality. Yesterday we did no school work, we had a lot of cuddle time, grieving time together, and the Lord used yesterday and last night to really convict me and my parenting. I've been out of control too many times. I am ashamed of the mother I've been time and time and time again. What's amazing to me is that the Lord has every right to parent me the way I've been parenting, but instead he's shown me nothing but grace, forgiveness, and unconditional love. If the Lord can show me that, I most definitely can and must show that to my own children.

It's a time of great changes for me, I can feel it. The greatest change I want to make is in how I'm a wife and mother. Oh Lord please forgive me for being everything you've told me not to be. Please guide me to be a better mom and a better wife. Let my focus be where you want it to be.

Acts 20:32
"Now I commit you to God and to the word of his grace, which can build you up and give you an inheritance among all those who are sanctified."

Skittles

We got Skittles on our Emma's 4th birthday. A friend of ours gave her to Emma for her birthday (she'd gotten her when she was 7 months pregnant and deemed she was just too much for her, with a newborn and living on a 3rd floor apartment, and active duty army). I had become a person who did not even like dogs, because of our other dog, Bentley, although Skittles was so cute and sweet and just got into my heart. The last 2 years we've loved this little dog, as she would cuddle up on my lap every change she had, as Chad and I somehow became "those people" who allowed their dog to sleep with them, and she was a lead butt once she was asleep (we could not move the blankets once she was on them). If she didn't sleep with us, she slept with Jacob. Quite often in the evenings she'd go into his room and curl up on his bed. She also liked to go under my chair and curl up. She'd finally started liking and playing with our other two dogs (Alley and Lucky after HATING them for a while).

This evening after Chad came home, he saw her running into the house, when she got inside, Jacob noticed that she was bleeding. We noticed what we guessed was a hole and her breathing was labored. I screamed for Chad and he and Jacob rushed her to the vet, but she died before they made it. The vet said her lung was punctured. The vet guesses that it was a sharp, long wire or something like that.

I am just truly so sad. Pray for our family, we're all grieving and sad. It's nothing like the loss of Jordyn or any person for that matter, but she was part of our family and we're hurting and sad.

                                                           

What I wanted to do, but instead

In a little less than 2 weeks will be Jordyn's birthday, she'd be 15 years old. I wanted to celebrate her this year. I want her birthday to be a day of joy and happiness. I truly want that. Yet I sit here in tears, hurting, angry, feelings all over the place. I would love to be one of those grieving mom's who bring it all back to the Lord and in joy and comfort and love. I can't seem to do that though. I miss her. I want to be a good wife and mother, yet I fall flat and HARD on my face. Every single year, every single year I find myself flying off the handle, yelling, crying, feeling lost and confused, and just wanting to dig a hole, or finding a dark room and hiding until the middle of May. I can't do that of course, but if I was allowed to, I would.

I truly thought this year, this year I could do it. I could celebrate Jordyn, fully and completely. Please, I beg you to pray for me. I'm selfish and weak. Please pray that God will give me joy, that he'll give my heart peace.

I'm broken, weak, a sinning, hurting woman, wife, and momma.
One day I KNOW the Lord is going to allow me to celebrate her birthday the way my heart longs to.