My Gifts, Among Other Things

Letting it out

2012-01-25T00:44:00.002+01:00

My husband and I go on walks at night, just a short mile walk, but it's our time to talk and get some light excercise, which at 8 months and the speed we're going at, makes me have to stop about 3/4 the way through to catch my breath! Last night as we walked, I poured my heart out to him of how I don't understand why I react so explosively at times. Chad stopped and said "I do, our daughter died in your arms". Whew, here come the tears again. I changed the moment she left this earth for Heaven. I struggle with anger and rage taking over me. I LOVE Jesus. I KNOW Jordyn's safe in his arms. I changed though. We walked with her through 14 months of fighting Acute Myeloid Leukemia, we walked through chemotherapy being pushed into our baby girl (she was 6 days from 1 yr at diagnosis), to irradiation and the heaviest of heaviest of chemo's going into her to destroy her immune system in preperation for her bone marrow transplant. We didn't feel the physical pain of the chemo and irradiation, but we went through the helpless feeling of not being able to fix it for her, to prevent her from pain, or being able to keep her completely safe. We had to put poison in her in hopes to save her life. I will NEVER know what it felt like for Jordyn, only what it felt like as her Momma, who was scared to death that she'd die...and that fear became my reality. I heard myself scream a scream no mother should ever have to hear come from her, a deep groaning of despair and heartache, that I truly believe there are no words for. We're now almost 12 years since we said Goodbye to our beautiful Jordyn, and not a day goes by that I don't think of her and miss her. Her death changed my soul.

I have grown over the years to trust and love the Lord more than I ever did. I'm also still full of the what if's and maybe's. I look at my children and see their sister in them so often and it makes my heart soar as well as brings it such pain. They KNOW her and love her in their hearts. I was newly pregnant with Jacob when Jordyn died. I found out I was pg with him 8 days after she died. He was not planned by Chad and I at all, but I know he was by GOD.

I have a great deal of anger towards my parents over Jordyn's diagnosis and death, but most of all towards myself. My parents are smokers and during my pregnancy we spent almost every weekend at my parents, exposing myself, and there for Jordyn who was growing in my womb to their 2nd hand poison. After Jordyn was born, Chad left 8 days later for Germany. We had to get her passport for us to travel and as soon as he arrived to his new unit, he found out he was deploying. If I could change anything about that time, I would NOT have moved into my parents house. It's now known that 2nd hand and yes 3rd hand (via the womb) cigerette smoke is linked to causing pediatric aml leukemia. I HATED growing up in a house of smokers, it was horrible, I was sick every winter with bronchitis, I always felt like I couldn't breath, and of course without a doubt I know I stunk horribly from their smoke being on my clothes,skin, and hair. Then I did what I never thought I'd do..I moved my baby and self into that house, until I could join my husband.

I can't change the past. I know I have got to forgive myself and my parents. I'm struggling with that still almost 12 years later. I don't want to hurt like this anymore. I don't want anger to just be under the surface. I want to truly be filled with joy and show my children that joy, that comes only from the Lord. I'm praying and so is Chad on this struggle that I have.

I realize this may seem all over the place, if it's not, great, but it's how it feels right now. So if it is, please forgive me. I know it's time I hand this all over completely to Jesus and not take it back. As heavy as my heart is, I know I have hope in all of this. I know that I have Jesus and that he'll substain me and he'll love me through this.

Cardboard testimony

2012-01-12T00:12:00.002+01:00

We're an Army family and one of the greatest blessings that's come to me as an Army wife has been PWOC. I knew of PWOC slightly when I was invited once by a friend, when Jordyn was alive, at Ft. Belvoir. We went for the first half, and when they split off for bible studies we went home. I had no idea then, what I was missing out on and have no doubt it would have been a blessing for me, even if I would have only been able to go from time to time, because of chemo treatments, etc. I didn't really know too much about it over all though, until we got to Germany, and I'd been encouraged by a few friends from our home church to go to PWOC once we got here. As soon as I got here, I saw signs posted all over post about the PWOC kick off. The kick off was great, it was the 50th year of PWOC, which was started in Germany shortly after WWII and ladies wanted a fellowship/bible study. It's developed so much over the years and I'm sure beyond anything those beautiful women could have imagined and I hope it's all they could have dreamed now. It has spread beyond Army wives and is now on all military bases and posts, all branches, throughout the whole world!!

Since moving here, I've been on the board 4 times. It's been a blessing for me, at times very trying, joyful and tearful. Each board is unique and you're not going to agree with everyone on the board or how it's run. (Which is when you might have that tearful year). But it's always, always been a huge blessing for me, because here's the thing. It's not about me, or the other women there, whether we agree with each other about how things are being run behind the scenes or not. What matters is that it's all about Jesus and what I can say is that every year it's come down to being all about Jesus. When he's the focus, when it's always brought back to him...he's redeemed and he'll redeem you.

So...today was our spring kickoff for PWOC. In the fall the board all did Card board testimonies (if you don't know what this is, please do a search they're amazing It won't let me include the link tonight). It was moving, beautiful, and raw. Some were shocking, some were telling, all were those ladies truths and redemption. Today for the Spring kickoff we did more Cardboard testimonies. I had such peace when they'd asked for volunteers from the body before the end of the fall session, so I'd volunteered after praying. Then began praying on what I was to share. God spoke to me quickly, and let me tell you I wasn't too thrilled with what he wanted me to share, but it was part of my truth and of I WAS, and God allowed me to fall on my face to come to him. I had no nervousness until those of us who were sharing got into line and prepared to go in front of the ladies in that room. I thought I was going to get sick. I was baring a sin that I hadn't shared with a lot of people. But there I was, leading the pack. I left the stage in tears, full of so many emotions, that words could not cover. Most of all, so much thankfulness that God has forgiven me and he loves me.

I have to remind myself over and over again, that I'm forgiven. God does not hold my transgressions against me. He loves me. He see's me for who I am and for who I will still become. Just writing about this, has my heart racing again. I am free though, free in and through Christ. I don't know how anyone lives a day without Jesus. I am so thankful for his grace, mercy, forgiveness, and love.

Goals

2012-01-06T17:33:00.003+01:00

I'm almost 30 weeks pregnant and what that means is in less than 2 months I'll be holding a newborn in my arms. I have c-sections, all of mine have been c-sections and although I do wish I could have experienced a vaginal birth, honestly the most important thing to me is not how the baby entered the world from my body, but that the Lord has allowed me to bring a new life into this world. I'm brought to tears just thinking about it, yep tears are forming now. I truly get how blessed I am. I've had many friends and family members who have or are dealing with fertility issue's and I'm so thankful I've never had to deal with that. My heart truly ACHES for women who their hearts desire is to feel their baby move inside their womb, or to just feel a child to call their own in their arms. This pregnancy has been very easy for me and I'm thankful for that. I am also aware that because I've NEVER experienced such an easy pregnancy that God could simply be preparing me for a baby who possibly doesn't sleep, has colic, or something. I'm praying that, that's not the case, but if so...we'll get through it one way or another, but without a doubt with God's grace!

With all the preparation of welcoming our newest child, I've been thinking of the near future and some goals I'm setting for myself. I am a fat girl. I'm not hiding this fact. I have not always been fat. I used to be a very in shape, healthy weight, confident with my body (tooooo confident) kind of girl. I could give you all the reasons and excuses on why I've allowed all this weight to be put on my body, and those reasons are important for "me" but not so much for the rest of the world. What I do know is that I'm done being fat. I'm done being winded going up and down the stairs a couple times, not being able to have the energy to do everything I want. I want to be healthy, lower my chances of various cancers, be a good example for my children. I KNOW I can do this and will do it. So once I'm healed from my c-section I'm going to start running. It'll be a process, which at the moment I'm planning on using the C25K plan. I really think this will work the best for me in building up my ability to run and plan that once I can run a 5 K without stopping I can work myself up to a 10 K and so on. It makes me excited that for the first time in years I'm going to be healthy.

Another goal for this year is to take at least one picture a day. I'm an ammateur photographer in the truest sense. I do not believe for a second that I'm in any way or form a professional at all. I have a nice dslr camera and I'm ready to really it's capabilities, which I have a friend who IS a professional photographer and has a gorgeous portfolio, and in no way do I think I'm going to be where she is anytime soon, I'm looking forward to seeing improvements in my photography. My love is taking pictures of my family and the beautiful places we travel to. I want to be able to take the best pictures possible, so hopefully this year as I share my photo's you'll see improvements.

So I have 2 completely attainable goals for this year. Two goals I'm so excited about, yet feel confident I can do. I have friends and family who are in my corner and keeping me accountable on both! I'm so thankful to the Lord for all he's brought into my life and taken out of it.

So Excited!!

2011-12-28T17:59:00.002+01:00

Last Wednesday our family made the 2 1/2 hr drive up North and saw my best Army wife friend, "B" and her family. They moved away 3 years ago, were stationed in Arizona, and this past fall they moved back. I was patient in trying to let them get settled once they had housing, then they got their Household Goods quickly after moving into their apartment, and I waited for them to be able to get their home set up...then it was Thanksgiving, Jacob was in the play, and various other scheduling committments and well the fact that they are 2 1/2 hrs away, so last Wednesday we finally made the trip. Her husband "T" and Chad get along great and our kids are all great friends. Jacob and their son were best friends when they were here, and Jack loved him too. Emma and D were both still in the 1 year age range when they left, but were instantly best friends! As we were all in our respective vehicles heading to the Christmas market in their town, Chad said "Isn't it great to have them back. So nice that we're all friends and it feels like they were never gone".

Well, here we are now, and they're coming down and spending the next 4 days with us! We've been cleaning and organizing. Thankfully they're the kind of friends I know my house doesn't have to be perfect for, but I want it to look as good as possible! I'm so excited to have them here and to get to spend some real time with "B"!! I feel so grateful that God brought B and her family back to Germany and that we're close enough to spend time together!!

Thank you, Lord for bringing my best friend back.

Enjoying the Season we're in....WINTER and SNOW!

2011-12-20T12:23:00.004+01:00

It's snowing in our part of Germany and from my various friends throughout Germany, it seems to be snowing all over! Our family loves snow. I love taking my kids out in it and playing and watching their faces as they see the beautiful white stuff covering the ground. So often it seems people moan and groan and do nothing but complain about it, they just want summer, of course in the summer they complain about the heat and how they wouldn't mind some snow. Why can't we be thankful and simply find joy in the season we're in? We all go through various seasons and at different times. There are the weather seasons of Spring, Summer, Fall, and Winter. Then there are the seasons of life that God allows us to walk through and sometimes instead of slowing down and living in that season and recognizing that God's allowing us to go through it, we want to run and rush through it. Young mothers who are exhausted because the baby has colic or doesn't sleep well at night (which why any young mother would think her newborn is going to sleep through the night is beyond me....while in the womb when are they most active?? AT NIGHT it just makes sense that they'd be awake at night when they enter this world!!), we want to rush through each season of life and then before we know it, it's over and we long for it back, or worse we don't and we've completely missed out on the blessing of that season of life, GOD allowed us to have.

I am challenging myself daily to enjoy the season God has me in. We ALL have rough days. We all have days that we just have to "get through", but if we find ourselves feeling like that day in and day out for weeks to months to even years on end, we need to really look at ourselves and ask what it is we can change. Normally it's our own attitude about the situtation or the season we're in. I try hard to not wish my days away. I have a home with children ranging from 10 to 19 months and one in the womb. I'm in a season where God's allowed us to continue to live in Germany for the last 6 1/2 years (and love it). I don't want to look back when my children are grown and think "why did I wish those days away"? I love watching, teaching, and playing with my children. I want to play in the snow, dance in the rain, basking in the sun, raking and jumping in the leaves. I don't want to miss a moment. So today, we've played in the snow, we're now cuddled together waiting for lunch to finish, watching Polar Express, and you know I love these moments.

Slowing Down

2011-12-13T23:45:00.002+01:00

Jacob was in a play/musical production here on our little post at our award winning theater. They just finished up on Sunday, Oliver! They did 8 weeks of rehersals and 2 weeks/8 total shows. It was amazing. Jacob was an orphan and a pick pocket: Tom White. I was so proud of him. The first two weeks of rehearsal, he was still playing football, so there has been no down time since August and let me tell you, I'm READY!!

We have tried so hard to be a family that is not over-extended/too busy, yet sometimes it just happens. Jacob wanted to play basketball, but I had to make a hard decision and say no. We just need this break. Jack's still in Tae Kwon Do and Emma's in ballet, and they're all in AWANA. That's enough for right now. Nothing that goes past 5:30, allows us to sit down and have dinner together as a family every night.

I am now over 6 months pregnant. We are so blessed with each of our children and this baby has been such a surprised blessing. We didn't plan for this baby yet, just as we didn't plan for Jacob...yet God knows best and we know this baby is loved by GOD and loved by us and we're so thrilled for her or him to make his/her appearance in a couple of months. This is our 6th child and I have to tell you that feeling the kicks and punches from this little one, is just as amazing as with our first one. There's no way to describe how it feels. I wish every woman who ever wanted to, could experience the joy of pregnancy. I didn't really enjoy my first two pregnancy's. With our oldest, I was just so excited to have her, I was more focused on her being born and being with us. With our second, I was in such deep grief over the death of Jordyn that finding joy in his kicks was not to be found in my heart. I made a mental recognition that I WOULD find joy in my pregnancy and just enjoy it with our 3rd and it was amazing how different his pregnancy was. With our 4th I made sure to just enjoy her, and again with 5 and now 6. It is a mental choice. I have had severe morning sickness, I was sick the whole pregnancy with Emma and Noah (5/6) but I still found joy in my pregnancy every day. I still was thankful to GOD for the blessing of the pregnancy. Some women only get the joy of pregnancy of feeling the life of their child, so how dare I not enjoy that blessing...because here's a fact: I do not know what the life of this little one is going to be. My goodness I never could have imagined our little girl would be diagnosed with AML leukemia at 6 days from turning 1 year old. I never could have imagined 14 months later she'd be in he arms of Jesus. We have to enjoy each day that the Lord gives us.
I want to make sure we don't ever get too busy that we can't be thankful for the days we have.
I'm so thankful that the Lord has led our family to homeschool. I'm thankful that I get to spend every day with our children. There are frustrating days, don't get me wrong, but it's still a blessing. I don't have to share my children with strangers who are helping to mold their minds, it's my job.

I hope that if you're in a time of busy, busy...go,go,go. That you can just take a minute and slow down, look around your home and Thank the Lord. Thank HIM. Just thank Him.

I Am....

2011-12-06T01:57:00.004+01:00

I am not perfect.
I'm a sinner.
I hurt and I have hurt.
I love and am loved.
I can be down right mean,
spiteful, ugly on the inside.
I speak my mind: sometimes too often
sometimes not often enough.
Rarely do people have to wonder
what I think about something.
I think dogs dressed in clothes
look stupid.
I don't think dogs are "fur babies/children, etc".
I think dogs are pets, that's it.
I offend people with my:
beliefs, values, thoughts, words, actions.
I get offended by others:
beliefs, what I see as lack of values
thoughts, words, and actions.
I love being a mom.
It is hard and I often feel like I suck at being one.
I love being a wife.
It's hard and often know I suck at it.
I HATE cleaning and really HATE doing laundry (the whole miserable process).
I'm lazy.
I'm fat.
I dream that I'm still skinny (like literally dream it)
I want better for my children than what I sometimes give them.
I want to love them better.
I want to love my husband better.
I want to love GOD better.
I think those who are not Christians are idiots.
Yes I just wrote that. I just offended people.
There are times I don't care that I offended them
and think that it's their problem and something THEY need to get over.
I judge people.
I am judged and hate it.
I'm a hypocrit.
I love.
I hurt
I am not perfect.
I'm a Christian.
I fail God daily and often multiple times a day.
I'm not perfect.
I'm a sinner.
I love Jesus.
I fail him daily.
I wish the world would do what I think is right and just.
It never does.
I think a lot of people are annoying.
I can be fake.
I'm me.
Some like me
Some don't.
Some love me.
Some hate me.
I'm Christy.....a woman who loves: Jesus, my husband, my children, my extended family, my friends, U.S.A, and Germany.
I'm Christy....a woman who fails daily, who can hurt others and be hurt by them just the same. A woman who sins, judges,
I'm Christy....I'm not perfect, but I'm loved by the one who I need to be loved by the most....Jesus.

Thanks Giving is approaching!

2011-11-17T09:13:00.003+01:00

I love Thanksgiving and am so looking forward to it!! I am a traditionalist when it comes to our feast. I also guess you could say it's one of the few times during the year I'm a control freak a little (this would include, Christmas and Easter). Last year we had a friend come with her family for Thanksgiving and she brought the stuffing/dressing (well she made it here) and Chad was not a happy man, he loves mine...that's it (well my mom's as well, since it's her recipe).
We're HOPING and PRAYING that my best Army wife friend, who lives about 2 1/2 hours away and just moved back to Germany last month. We're still waiting to see if they're going to make it here or not. We're also having a couple single soldier friends over for dinner. Here's our menu:

Turkey (25 lb...yep it's BIG)
Ham (just a small little one)
Homemade Dressing (although we call it stuffing, it does not go into the bird)
Homemade noodles (using the broth from the turkey...mmmm!)
Artisan Bread (I just recently started making this and my family LOVES it!)
Greenbean casserole (not that nasty healthy version either, the classic good one! LOL)
Gravy from the turkey broth
Mashed potatoes
Corn
Cranberry Sauce (sadly from the can, my kids love it)
We'll have a cheese and veggie platter for appetizers
Deviled Eggs (Chad will be making these....yuck to me!)
Pumpkin and Chocolate Pies
I feel like I'm forgetting something, but think that's everything.

I LOVE and I do mean cooking this meal. I make the same thing for Christmas and Easter. It's what I grew up having and love the tradition of it. I make my pies Wednesday, the goal this year is to have them done Wednesday by 3 PM. I will make the bread on Wednesday as well, well the starter for it, then it'll just have to rise for 2 hours and bake for 30 minutes, it can rise between 2 to 5 hours so I'll be able to pull it out in the morning and stick it in the oven right before we're ready to eat, plus it makes 3 loaves, so it should be plenty of bread!
I cook my turkey all night long, on 200 heat, then in the morning you wake up and your whole house smells of turkey (mmmm, nothing like it!) then I have my oven free for everything else throughout the morning and early afternoon and just brown it up the hour before we'll be ready to eat!

My love for cooking this meal is how much my family loves it. How it lasts us for a few days afterwards (no cooking for a few days afterwards!! Wahoo!), and well lets get real here...how good it is! I can remember the first time I made a turkey on my own, we were stationed 13 years ago in Baumholder, Germany....it was our first Thanksgiving now with family. I was so nervous and called my mom at LEAST 5 or more times, so scared I was going to ruin everything. We had a ton of people over, 2 families, and I think 10 single soldiers. The only mishap was the pumpkin pie, one of the pies (out of 2) I used the frozen pit crusts, and left the plastic lid in one of them and poured the pie filling right on top! LOL But it amazingly didn't melt and Chad happily had a pie to himself! We had thankfully served the other pie first and between the pumpkin, chocolate, and a cake a friend brought we never cut into that 2nd pie until everyone else had left and we discovered my foul up! LOL We still laugh about that. I hope everyone has a funny mess up from a big Thanksgiving dinner that they and their spouse can laugh about for years to come.

One thing I have learned, is I like being the cook. I don't want to share any of the responsibility! I want to be the only one to cook it all, if someone wants to bring an appetizer or a side dish I didn't plan to make, or dessert...I'm good with that, but I want the "heavy cooking" left to me. I know it's selfish, I just seriously love it. Plus we've discovered, if someone makes their stuffing/dressing differently than yours and it's not good...well it's kind of disappointing lol.

We have also went to serving it buffet style. It's just easier for us, when we have so much food and more than just our famly at the table, goodness with all that food, it's still easier to have it buffet style with just our family!

So what are your family food traditions, any other traditions? We go around our table and share our Thanks to God for various things throughout the year, depending on the friends, we'll play cards or a boardgame as adults and the kids normally are playing, if it's not too cold they'll playoutside for a while, if it's been snowing, they'll go sledding, watch a movie (normally a Thanksgiving or Christmas one). Lots of family time and laughter and praising GOD. Is there anything better?

Heaven Gained an amazing woman

2011-11-01T23:21:00.002+01:00

I got a call this afternoon from my mom. My "step" Grandma (step is such a loose word, as that was NEVER EVER EVER how she treated us or how I felt about her.) Her first name is Nona and it's always what I called her. My Grandpa married her when I was a junior in high school. Nona was an angel on earth. No she wasn't perfect, but she was perfect for my Grandpa and our family. She had a beautiful heart and had no problem speaking her thoughts either.

She died in her sleep last night. My sweet precious Grandpa is who I'm aching for the most. His first wife, who's my mom and her brothers mom, died when she was only 23 years old. My mom was 2 and her brother was 1. He remarried with in a year or so, to a woman who he and my grandma had known and used to play cards with her and her (ex) husband. The woman who ultimately raised my mother was not a kind woman. She brought 4 boys into the marriage, Grandpa had 2, and together they had 1 (son). My mom was the only girl. She was pretty classicaly treated like Cinderella to put it lightly. When I was in the 2nd grade she had a heart attack, she was taken to the hospital and had surgery and when the dr came out to tell Grandpa the surgery went well, she went into cardiac arrest and died. He was alone for 10 years. He never dated, worked for Sante Fe Railroad, and was a devoted Grandpa. When he met Nona a joy came into his life that's so hard to explain. He'd always been a happy man, but this was a whole new happiness. It was a joy deep in his soul. Both are devoted Christians and very active in their church. When they got married there was never a moment that my brother or I felt like we were "step" Grandkids. She simply loved us.

I miss her and have missed her since we've been living in Germany and now knowing I'll never get to see or talk to her again, my heart breaks. We're working right now on trying to get our passports renewed so we can get back to the states for the funeral and to spend time with my Grandpa.

Please be in prayer for my Grandpa and all my family.

Lord Undo Me

2011-11-01T11:16:00.005+01:00

I'm listening to Klove.com and JD (the current DJ on) just shared this beautiful poem.....

I don’t really worship these day
I don’t really stand up to praise you with songs
Or prayers or actionsor with anything
I am full of all the right moves
I am full of all the right words
I am full of all the right religion
But it is all just illusion
I am really
Lonely
Lost
Calloused
Jaded
Cynical
Too religious
Too realistic
and well really just to lazy
to worship you anymore
I have lost my first love
I have lost the joy of your presence
But most of all I have lost the fear of your glory
Father I need to see you again
Like Isaiah I want to stand in awe of your glory
To fall down at your feet
To come face to face with your
Perfection,Radiance,Goodness,Holiness,Awesomeness
I want to stand before you and see you for who you are
and me for who I amI want to be undone
I want to know me for who I really am
I want to see the depths of my heart
And know that you are the only way
You are the only truth
You are the only life
I want to see me and understand
What it really must have taken for you to
Love me
Care for me
See me
Speak to me
Want me
Communicate with me
Die for me
Die for me
Die for me
Lord, I want to stand in that place where all I can see is your glory
And my sin
Because in that place I can’t help but worship you.
Lord let me come undone
Undo my heart
Lord, undo my heart
break down these walls that I love so much
No, wait don’t,I’m scared I don’t know if I can handle this
don’t
But I can’t live this way anymore
I can’t stand here in this half-lifet
his going through the motions life
this not really alive life
Father, I need you so come in and do what you must
Cut out the tumor on my heart
Break down the walls that I love
Lord let me come undone
Undo my heartlet me worship you again
*Blake Williams

Wishing Days Away

2011-11-01T10:45:00.003+01:00

This morning I wrote a status update about not wishing away days with your children, but you know I can expand on that to anyone in your life (spouse). Days are precious and we're never guarenteed a single one of them, they're a gift from God. When I see person after person posting how they can't wait for this day or that day and it's a constant day after day, month after month issue, it breaks my heart. They don't get it. They justify it. "Well, my husband's deployed so I just want this year to go by fast so he can be home and then I want time to slow down" No, I'm sorry but to "me" that doesn't cut it. I've been through 5 deployments the last being 14 1/2 months long, yes I missed Chad more than I could ever describe in words, but I did my best to enjoy the days I had with my kids, and not wish our days away. We ALL have bad days and look forward to bedtime, but that shouldn't be a day in and day out thing, if so...I think that's when we need to take a good, hard, long look at ourselves and ask ourself why. What's our attitude. Is it one of selfishness or gratitude? Are we looking at the days we have as something we just have to get through or are we really living each day to the maximum? Did you praise God for this day? Have I praised God for this day? No, then lets do it right now. Thank you, Jesus for today. Thank you for my husband and my children: Jordyn who's safe in your arms, for Jacob who's growing up too fast and was recently said to himself and to me that he's looking like a teenager (he's not one yet and it broke my heart a little to step back and look at him and see how old he's getting, it seems like just yesterday I gave birth to him), Jackson who's got an innocence and immaturity about him that many 8 year olds are discouraged to have, yet is such a part of WHO Jack is, and what's wonderful and frustrating all at the same time. Emma who's our beautiful little girl, our princess, who's growing up far too quickly, who's smart and beautiful and loved by everyone who meets her. Noah, my sweet baby boy. He's sweet and loving and just enough ornriness that days with him are full of laughter. This baby who's growing inside of me, I do not know who she or he is yet, but God does. This child is a miracle and blessing and just a simple gift from GOD. Thank you for Chad. For the man he is and the man he's constantly becoming with the help of GOD. Thank you for bringing him home from every deployment he's been sent on to war torn nations, thank you for the father he is to our children, and the husband he is to me. He loves me no matter what size I am, how ugly in attitude I can be, how emotional and all over the place I can be, no matter if I'm irrational and irate or calm and peaceful...he loves me and challenges me to be better, but loves me no matter where I am.

Let me enjoy watching Emma throwing the balloon around and ancing around to Klove, as Noah runs around all crazy and silly and begs to go back into the kitchen because he's always hungry. Let me enjoy our homeschooling days, even when the boys procrastinate and sit there just looking at their pages. Please don't let me take any of these moments for granted.

I want to be gentle in my words and actions. Please Lord remind me everyday, not to take a moment for granted.

Something to Talk about

2011-10-20T00:24:00.002+02:00

I just read an email sent from well the best way to describe it is a former friend. I wish her NO ill will, some friendships end. She was the head of the selection committee last year for the PWOC executive board. What that means is she selects a group of women who come together with her and they pray that God will give them discernment over who wants placed as the President, the VP, 2nd VP, Secretary, and Treasurer (although secretary and treasurer have different official names now). I've been part of the committee a couple years ago when one of my dearest friends was the selection head. To say that it can be stressful is putting it lightly. Our time together was often shared in great laughter, but we also took it very seriously and prayed so much together and individually. So anyways, I have absolutely no doubt that this person and her committee took this job very seriously and prayerfully. They put together an AMAZING board. Every woman that was placed are women I can personally say I adore and love and believe are amazing women of Christ. With that though, they all stepped down for various reasons, 3 of them were because they're moving. Yet God was VERY faithful and of course none of it was a surprise to him and a new board was in place in although not the way PWOC calls for it to be, in a Godly manner none the less and the new board is fabulous. I truly believe he placed the first group of women in their positions for their short season for a purpose and that purpose was completely served and brought Glory to GOD. I also believe this new board was created for the purpose to bring Glory to God.

I find out that a rumor is going around that I supposedly started, that I thought the person who selected the original board did so, to ultimately bring down PWOC, because she some how could predict the future and knew that board would "fail". I'm honestly so hurt and angry (and praying this is righteous anger) right now. I'm angry that such a rumor is even going around, much less that I started it. It's hateful, cruel, and ridiculous. The former friend emailed me and I am appreciative that she did and I've responded and of course told her I absolutely never said any of it, but told her to feel free to have the person who told her of this "rumor" to please come to me. The more I think about this the sadder I'm getting and now tears are falling. It's so hateful. I am NOT perfect and would love to say I have never gossiped as a Christian, but it's not true. I have and God in recent months has reconvicted me on this and I've been working hard to not only not gossip, but not participate in it (listening is participating).

I'm at a loss right now. Part of me wants to just scream, part of me wants to cry, and part of me says to just let it go...that Satan's attacking me and I can't and won't give him the upper hand.
Chad's sleeping so I can't go and talk to him about it, and I don't want to wake him over this.

I know God will lead me and I know I have to fully hand this over to him and let him deal with the person or persons who are not only gossiping, but full out lying.

Pro 16:28
A perverse man stirs up dissension, and a gossip separates close friends.

Gossip hurts and destroys.

Chad update!

2011-10-13T18:23:00.003+02:00

Chad had surgery on Tuesday to remove the rod from his shoulder and from his spine and all went perfectly! We're so very thankful. It was such a very long day in general, we had a friend keep all 4 kids for us, which was a huge blessing, Chad had changed same friends brakes and rotars on her truck so that'd be done before her husband returns from his deployment in a few weeks. By the time we left her place it was almost midnight, we got home, tossed laundry into the dryer, took a shower, and finally got to bed, we got around 2 or so hours of sleep and then the alarm was going off to get up and head out for our 1 1/2 hr drive to the hospital. We were later than they told him, but they didn't seem to even notice, they got him in the room got him settled in and told us we could sleep for an hour or two until they came to take him down, which was a huge blessing. The day before I'd talked to one of the drs and he'd told me I'd be able to go see him in recovery after he'd been in there for an hour, that never happened. They took him down to the OR at 9:30 and at 3:00 I was finally able to see him. To say it was a long day, is putting it lightly! I was so exhausted. I stayed with him for about 30 minutes so I could make it back for Emma's last soccer game, he was doing well, but of course very tired. He was good when we called him that evening, and yesterday he was feeling much better. Today they took out the drainage tube from his shoulder and did xrays to take a look at his shoulder and spine and said all looked great. We will go pick him up in the morning!!!

We are so very blessed that God gave us a miracle with Chad's life. We do not take that for granted and are reminded that he is still a God who does give miracles. We've been on the otherside where it didn't feel like he did, when he took Jordyn home, but he gave her and us a miracle by not allowing her to suffer and loving her so much that he allowed her to return to Him, that can be hard to remember sometimes, but it's true whether I remember it or not. I'm so thankful we serve such an awesome, loving, merciful, and just GOD!

Thank you for all your prayers and support as well. We're so very blessed!

Update

2011-10-07T00:32:00.003+02:00

Amazing how when you're busy, time just flies by! I'm in my 4th month of pregnancy already, it's just flying by. The kids are all doing well with school. Jackson's reading has been a struggle for him, but we're seeing definite improvement, and a friend and fellow homeschooler shared some tips with me on helping him. She has a son his age and another Jacob's age who both also do and did struggle with reading, so I'm very prayerful that over the next few months we'll have a full fledge reader on our hands. Emma's doing very well with her letters and loves doing school work. We're going slow and steady. Jacob's doing great, although we're working on him rushing through everything, when he takes his time he never misses a thing!

Chad is having surgery on Tuesday. He'll be having the titanium rod removed from his spine and he'll also have the titanium rod removed from his shoulder. He's a bit nervous, so please keep him in his prayers. The surgeon told him that after surgery and his physical therapy he should be back to 95% of what he was before the accident. He would like to be at 100%, but let me tell you, I'm just truly so thankful to the Lord for allowing him to have survived the accident. He could have easily have been paralyzed....but yet here he is, a walking miracle. I know he forgets that

Busy but blessed

2011-09-23T00:12:00.002+02:00

I've been terrible at blogging lately. I haven't read blogs or anything in weeks. So it's been a over a month, so an update. We started school and it's really going well. We will most likely be taking a couple weeks, if not a full month off when the baby comes, so we're working to get ahead of the game. Emma's started doing some very basic preschool work, of writing letters. I had read a blog a while back about how when teaching children to write, teach them to write in lower cases first, which is not the norm, because...the majority of letters you write is in lower case. Once they have those down, then teach them in uppper case. When you think about it, it makes total sense and darn it I wish I had known that with Jacob and Jackson, but I can't change that and that's the beauty of homeschooling we can learn and make adjustments!

The pregnancy, baby #6 is growing perfectly. She or he is literally measuring eactly as she/he should. I'm 14 weeks along and feeling good. The nausea has even pretty well passed for the most part, so I'm very thankful. It's really been a very,very easy pregnancy. It's amazing and after Emma and Noah's where I was sick the whole pregnancy, it's a nice change of pace! Anyone who thinks every pregnancy is the same, has never been pregnant more than once!

Life is rather busy, but in a good way. Football practice twice a week, tae kwon do 2 times a week, soccer and ballet once a week (same day), then homeschool Art and homeschool PE start and round out our week. Our one truly and completely day of rest is Thursday. Saturday's we have football game...Sunday we have church and AWANA. Each boy are in one sport and of course our homeschool activities. Emma's in one sport and ballet and does PE with our homeschool group and all 3 do AWANA. I've told them if they feel that they're just overwhelmed, just to speak up. They're all enjoying their individual activities. Chad's coaching football and soccer, so it's been great for them to have that time with him. I have PWOC, but have stepped back from volunteering. I'm helping our AWANA program to get going this year, it's the 7th year of AWANA in our community and I've been here since the beginning. I'm the only one. We have 4 others who have returned this year, 1 is the new Commander (she was a Sparks leader last year), one's a T&T leader , and Chad who's the Games director, and one's our Sparks secretary. I told them I'll be an undependable volunteer and come when I feel like it, but to not be counted on. I also said I'll fill in for the Sparks director and secretary when they can't be there.
I just feel God calling me to a quieter time. I'm helping lead a bible study in PWOC, Crazy Love by Francis Chan. If you have not read this book, I highly encourage you to! It's been wonderful. We have had 2 classes, the first week was just ice breakers and getting to know each other, so this week was our first class to talk about the first chapter and it was wonderful. To already see where and how these ladies are with their walk with Christ, what he's already doing in their (and my own) walk. Please be in prayer for our class. We have an amazing group of women and ladies in different places in their walk with the Lord. He's going to do amazing things through this class, you can literally just feel it! I feel blessed and humbled to be co-leading the class and being able to share with these ladies.

Now to Chad. He went up to the hospital where he had his surgery last year after the horrible accident. He has surgery scheduled for Oct 11. The surgeon who put the rods in, will be taking them out. Please pray for his surgeon as well as for Chad. I'll be with him the day of surgery. He'll be released with that Thursday or Friday. I'm praying it'll be Thursday, but when ever is best for him and his healing process. We don't know what will be next, if he'll need to be on leave after surgery, and we know he'll have to start back up on Physical Therapy. He's on leave right now, and we're trying to get a lot done while he is. We're going to be rearranging the living room and dining room. Pulling up carpet in the living room and tossing it (it's in bad shape) and laying down carpet in the living/dining room that our old neighbors gave us, that's in perfect, unstained condition!!! We want to go through our attic and get rid of that stuff we don't need/use/want. We need to do the garage as well!
We're a little behind in all of that, because Noah's been sick this week, but seems to be on the mend so hopefully tomorrow we'll get lots accomplished! Thankfully right now Friday's a free day other than our homeschool PE, but that will give Chad time without little people under his feet and can get things moved. He'll be moving our buffet out, mopping the dining room floor, and laying the dining room carpet. Hopefully Saturday when we get home from football, we can start on the living room. We have our antique shrunk that will be moved into the dining room, then we have to move all the other furniture out of the living room and pull this gross carpet out and mop the floor, lay the carpet and rearrange the furniture! I'm hopeful we can get it done Saturday. I think we'll sleep good, Saturday night!!!! :)

Once we're done I'll take pictures and post.

Well, this pregnant woman is exhausted and I'm going to get into bed, with prayers that we get a full nights sleep because I don't think Mr. Noah will be up all night feeling crummy!

God's blessings,

Farewells

2011-08-18T01:26:00.002+02:00

I don't write a lot about us being an Army family here. It's part of who we are, and I'm so exceptionally proud of my husbands service as well as our family as a whole, but yet I rarely find myself writing about it. One of the hardest things of this life is saying goodbye to friends. My kids have had to say goodbye so much over their young lives, and they're once again about to say goodbye to friends. Two brothers will be moving. When we moved from the stairwell to our house last year, these boys were the first kids they met in the new neighborhood and it didn't matter that their dad is an officer and ours is enlisted.....to me that's a sign of great parenting in the military (when the kids simply don't care....trust me they've had "friends" who have tried to pull the rank junk, so this momma has had to lay down the law quickly that kids don't have rank). It's hard on this momma's heart to see my kids hurting as they have to say goodbye. It doesn't feel fair and honestly it just stinks, especially when those friends are leaving a year earlier than expected. They're entering a season where goodbyes will be plentiful though. They have many friends who'll remain, but there are so many who will be leaving. So although for many military the busy moving time is coming to a close, our post seems to be still in high gear. Please keep my military kids in your prayers as well as all the others, whether they're the ones being left behind or the ones moving (having to meet new friends at a new place, etc). I try to protect my children from as much as I can, but I can't protect them from sad hearts from saying goodbye to friends. It is part of life, most definitely part of the military life, but it doesn't make it easier.

2011-07-21T12:04:00.003+02:00

I know it's been a month since I last blogged, but life just keeps going! We finished up VBS, during VBS a friend who's a missionary flew in for 12 days so we did a lot of local sight seeing and went down to Garmisch, then she headed to Switzerland for the majority of the month and will return next Friday for the weekend, before she heads back to Africa.

Although it's summer, someone forgot to tell German weather that! This has been the coolest summer yet! I really hope it warms up so we can go swimming a few times at least.

I started watching a friends baby last week. She's almost 7 weeks old, so it's definitely an adjustment for me as I juggle a newborn and a at time very jealous 14 month old little guy, along with the older 3 kids! We're also working on school, yes even through the summer. One subject a day. We've had many sleepovers, lots of park time (when it's not raining), and over all a great deal of family time!

I thought our life was going to slow down, but the reality is, I don't think we're going to have a true slow period again for a very long time and you know I'm good with that. We're not over busy, we have lots of down time still and we have a sit down around the table, home made dinner every night (unless we splurge and go out, but that's a rare treat). Jackson just started Tae Kwon Do, twice a week and so while he's in class I'm working out.
(I published this before I was finished...oops!)

So my one comment so far mentioned the heat wave in the US....trust me we've heard all about it! We're definitely on the opposite end of the spectrum here, it's not warm enough to run around in shorts most days, but instead jeans or athletic pants, etc...many days a sweatshirt is called for. It stinks when you're more than half way through July and you're dressing like it's October! LOL But God's giving us this season for a reason and well I could be sweating day in and day out so I'm going to be grateful for what the Lord has given us! Plus although we have portable A/C's they are not the same as central air that's for sure!

Well, I should take advantage of nap time while I can and fold some laundry...that unending horrible chore that I dislike more than anything! Oh and I forgot to share...Chad will not be joining his unit in Afganistan! His unit is actually overmanned and has already begun sending soldiers home (1 and 2 at a time) so we actually missed out on a deployment which just seems amazing after 3 in a row of every other year and the last one being 14 months. We're very thankful! He'll be scheduling surgery very soon to have the rods removed from his shoulder and back, then restarting physical therapy. We are so blessed!

VBS week

2011-06-21T00:24:00.002+02:00

Our lives have slowed down a bit. Not sure if I shared that or not yet, but I'm so thankful. Now don't think we're not doing anything, oh to the contraire...we just started VBS this week! I initially volunteered to head up the snack room, and because the volunteer who was supposed to lead and end the day and do music has not made it back from the states, I some how got voluntold (yes that's a word...no seriously it's a military term, ask any Soldier or other military member). I love the kids, love singing so it all works out.

Besides VBS we also will be welcoming a friend on Wednesday. My friend "K" will be flying in, in the morning (I'll be missing VBS that day). I have to admit I'm starting to dread Wednesday morning though. A friend found out I was going to the airport and asked if I'd take a friend of hers and her daughter to the airport. Well this lady's daughters flight leaves at 9:30 am, which is right around the time my friend will be arriving, not a problem, oh except that the daughter has to be at the airport 2 hours ahead of time since it's an international flight....yikes, that means she needs to be there by or around 7:30, oh and did I mention we're 2 solid hours from the airport? No, yes we are. So do your math...guess what the LATEST is that I can leave our house...yeah about 5:20 because I will need to pick up the lady and her daughter, get her luggage loaded up and head down the road. The only good thing is, that I should not hit much morning traffic on our way there and I'll hopefully have someone to talk to on the way up there besides Noah who normally falls asleep fairly quickly in the van as it is! :) So guess who's going to be taking a little sleep aid tomorrow night at 8 PM so I can get some sleep and hopefully be exhausted and not able to keep my eyes open by 9 PM! That's the goal! If so I should get about 7 1/2 hours of sleep.

Ok with that, it's 12:30 AM so I need to get my hiney to bed, so I can be up and ready to go and out of the house by 8:20 in the morning!

Nighty-nite! :)

Have a blessed week, oh and I highly recommend if you can, volunteer at your local VBS this summer, when ever it is! Be an example to the kids, show your love of Christ. Even if it's out of your comfort zone, or maybe that should be especially if it's outside of your comfort zone! Even if all you can do is help decorate and maybe tear down decorations, or just be there to welcome kids.

In the Arms of Jesus

2011-06-18T00:35:00.001+02:00

Sweet Ayden went home to our Lord and Savior tonight. Please be in prayer for his parents, Erin and Daryl...his big brother Caleb and baby sister Kaelyn, grandparents, and all their family and friends. My heart is just absolutely broken for the whole Phillips family. Please join me in prayers for this precious and heartbroken family.

Immediate Prayers Please

2011-06-17T17:29:00.003+02:00

(Ayden's the one on the right/the smaller sweetie)

Please pray for my friend Erin, whose little boy, Ayden (3 1/2) was found floating in a pool. I do not have a lot of details as in how long, etc....but his brain is swelling and the drs have said that the swelling will continue for the next 3 days and there's nothing more they can do right now but wait and see. They have 2 other children a son who's older than Ayden and a brand new baby girl. Erin's such a dedicated mother and I can only imagine she's beating herself up over this horrible ACCIDENT. We all know how in a blink our kids can be with us and bang they're off doing something else. Please just pray that the Lord will give them a miracle. We know God's still doing miracles.

Christy

Grateful

2011-06-15T00:04:00.002+02:00

After my last post (thank you Betty for your loving words and wisdom!) I wanted to write about things I'm grateful for!

1. My Salvation.....so thankful that the Lord humbled himself into a man, was born in that stable, grew up as a carpenters "son", was sinless, and loved me so much that he died a horrifying death on the cross.

2. My husband....Chad is patient, forgiving, strong, faithful, trustworthy, dependable, funny, loving, caring, affectionate, devoted. He's a great husband and father and loves serving in the Army as well. A man in a uniform...what more can a girl ask for? Oh I know he LOVES Jesus!

3. My 5 children. We only had Jordyn in this world for 2 years and so thankful for each day we had with her. Jacob was an unexpected blessing. Jackson was a much planned blessing. Emma was a down on my knee's prayed for blessing, and Noah's an adored blessing. Somedays they make me want to pull my hair out, run screaming from the house, make me cry in my pillow....but honestly those moments are few and far between. The older two boys are well behaved, respectful to adults, helpful (to others) boys. Emma's a blue eyed charmer who pulls people in with her stunning eyes, sweet little voice, and cute face and then they fall in love with her heart. Noah's a beautiful baby boy, with stunning blue eyes himself, a smile that doesn't stop, who's loved by everyone who comes across him!

4. My friends. When you have those nearest and dearest friends are normally more like family of the heart. When you're a military family it's those friends who really are family. My two best friends are not even military, but I do have a best friend Army wife who almost 3 years ago moved back to the states, but is moving BACK to Germany (not here with me, but just 2 hours away!! HURRAY). I have been blessed with amazing friends over the years and am so thankful for each friend that God's brought into my life.

5. Extended Family: I have an amazing brother, sister in law, and nieces. I am so proud of my brother and his wife and just adore their girls. I love my parents, even though emotionally we're not close, they're my parents and there's a reason God gave them to me (it's a work in progress). I love my inlaws as well...my mother in law and I have had some bumps in the road, but the last few years I've let go of my own issue's and just accepted her and love her and am very thankful for her. Chad's step dad is a good man and loves us and we love him. Chad's sister well she's given us 2 nieces and a nephew that we love.

6. The Army...trust me pick the right day and I could easily not add the Army in as a blessing! LOL But honestly the Army has given Chad a good, solid career. We have a dependable paycheck every 2 weeks, medical care (again pick the day and this is not always a blessing, although we're very very thankful for Tricare when Jordyn was fighting cancer/fighting for her life).

7. My bible....I'm so grateful that I can read my bible where ever I choose. I'm thankful that the Lord gave men the words of his heart that he wanted us to have.

8. Our home....now I want to get specific here. I'm not talking the materialistic home itself (although I AM thankful for this house after 5 years in an apartment). I'm thankful that we have a safe place to come to, live in, raise our children in. I love that our home is a place of refuge, fun, joy, and peace for our children as well as their friends. Our home often has kids going in and out, our backyard is almost always full of neighborhood children.

9. Our church (and church family. I'm grateful I have a safe place to gather and trust in the Lord.

10. I'm grateful for the life God has given me. It's not perfect, it's not all sunshine and roses, there's not a lot of drama in it. I'm so thankful for my life..

Complicated endings

2011-06-14T12:07:00.002+02:00

I don't know what to do. I don't know how to handle a person who's hurt me deeply. We've already talked about the hurts. I had unintentionally and unknowingly hurt her as well. We talked, face to face. We both cried, we both asked for forgiveness and gave it. We hugged, smiled, and even laughed. I thought that although things would take time to get back to where it had been, that it'd get there. I believe I was wrong. We live on a SMALL Army post in Germany, small. We are involved in many of the same activities. Our children love each other and my kids care about HER and her husband and her kids care about Chad and I. I still love on her kids, hug them, everything I've always done. But there's a wall and I have been praying for God's wisdom on this situation and he so far has been silent on the matter. I truly am just not sure what do.
She's not a bad person, just the opposite she's a good person with her own faults of course. She's loved and admired by many.

I just am at a loss here. I've had friendships who run their course and in a way it seems that's where we are at, but normally friendships that do that, you're not around each other often. It just feels so uncomfortable to me. I have no doubt Gods teaching me something in that uncomfortable feeling.

I am sad that the friendship seems to be over. I'd truly thought we'd be able to weather this small storm that we went through. It's hard. I wish I could pinpoint if I've unintentionally done something else to her, but the reality is we've hardly spoken since our conversation of getting everything out into the open. When her name is brought up, I normally smile, say something nice.

It's a lot easier to let a friendship drift off, when they move away or you do. When you're both here though, it's a lot tougher. Through writing this, I feel like God's telling me to let her go. Pray that I can be obedient and let go gently and just be still in Gods love and comfort.

New Life

2011-06-10T02:55:00.004+02:00

Emma and Baby M 2 days old

Last Friday, June 3 I got the priviledge of being a birthing coach! M is a single soldier who we love dearly. I took her up to the klinikum around midnight, her contractions were around 10 minutes apart, they kept her and had her try to get some sleep while i came home to get some sleep. She didn't want me to come up until her labor was truly active, so around 6 PM I got up there and she was in full force labor. She did amazing! She initially wanted to try to go unmedicated, while knowing that if it was just too much she could get something. It got to be too much and she had an iv med, which didn't help much other than make her tired, which considering she'd gotten about 2 hours of sleep over the last 24 hours wasn't really too helpful to her exhausted body. She finally decided she couldn't take it anymore and asked for an epidural, they finally moved her into the delivery room to get the epidural around 8:30, me and another friend were "kicked out" and at 9:20 we were finally allowed back in. It took them forever, and then the epidural never took. She gave birth to a beautiful baby girl at 9:50PM!! She did amazing and I'm truly so proud of her. It was one of the most exciting and blessed things I've ever been a part of! M and baby came home with me and she plans to spend the first week with us, she'll go home on Saturday. Let me tell you M is a great Momma and that sweet baby is beautiful, wonderful, and just pretty near perfect! I adore her!

It's been so precious to have a newborn in our home again. Chad's had baby fever for a good 6 months, I'd like to wait at least another 6 to 9 months before God blesses us with another one, IF it's his will for us to have another child. Of course she's so good, I don't think she's making him want to wait anymore! LOL

I'm going to be watching baby M once M goes back to work. I'm looking forward to it. I know it'll be challenging at times, but I know that I can do it. Thankfully M's apart of our family (she spends holidays with us and every important event) so she knows her sweet girl will be loved in our home. Emma's very excited that the baby will be spending her days with us. The older boys think she's very sweet! Noah thinks she's a toy/doll and although hasn't show full out jealousy, I can see it in our future, he is 12 months after all and our baby! :) So feel free to pray for us all as we adjust. I want to make sure I find a balance in all of this from homeschooling, taking care of all the kids, caring for our home, etc. I know God is gracious and his hand is over us.

Noah's birthday

2011-05-30T01:51:00.002+02:00

Our Noah bug turned 1 or as I like to say 11 months and 42 days lol! The actual day of his birthday was low key. I made him cupcakes (his first taste of sweets) and he opened up his presents from the kids! It was a beautiful day and honestly couldn't have been better!!! His birthday party we invited just a few friends over (although one family that came does have 7 children so there was lots of kids), thankfully Noah's used to being around lots of kids, so it wasn't overwhelming to him!! He had lots of fun! We had a monkey cake made for him, it was adorable!!
The first slide show is from his actual birthday and the 2nd one is from his party a few days later!

Last Day

2011-05-18T12:53:00.003+02:00

Today is Noah's last day of being an infant. Oh how fast this last year has been. Last year on this day I didn't have a clue that tomorrow our world would change so drastically! I had no idea that for the first time in 12 years I'd get to experience labor again. I had no idea that the "best laid plans" were once again GOD's and not mine what's so ever!

(Noah climbed up on the slide all by himself)

Today, I'm eating up Noah still being able to be considered an infant one last full day. I'm loving on him as much as he'll allow (thankfully he's a cuddly BABY!!). So little bits about my sweet Noah James! He's the happiest baby in the world. He's almost always smiling and laughing. He's a total cuddler and love bug (as we call him). He laughs a lot. He's loved so deeply by everyone in our family and oh how he loves back! He adores his big brothers, especially Jacob and appreciates his big sister, who loves him a little obsessively! LOL

He's not walking, yet, but oh so close. He will happily take little steps between pieces of furniture. He's taken to if he's beside a wall, using one hand to steady himself with and walking along it quite quickly, normally giggling the whole time! He's mastered crawling up stairs (much to my dismay) when he see's the gate is left open and he's up quickly as lightening, only stopping to turn and grin if he see's someone's caught him and is going up behind him! haha

He has 6 teeth that have popped through so far and more to come I'm sure, very soon! His eyes twinkle constantly. He makes all of us laugh constantly. I honestly don't know if I've laughed so much from a child as I have from Noah! (Please know I'm not taking away from my other kids who also make me laugh, Noah just makes me laugh a little more often and a little harder!)

Jackson,Noah, and Jacob

He's one loved, adored, and doted on little man!

How could you not love and adore that face??? He's the epitimy of beautiful perfection isn't he?!! I'm so thankful for the blessing that is Noah James. Happy Last day being 11 months old my sweet beautiful boy. I love you and adore you, forever and ever.

Sweet Mercy

2011-05-11T02:07:00.003+02:00

Praise the Lord, I made it! I made it through May 8, through Mother's Day. Chapel service was hard, hard, hard. I cried through the majority of it. AWANA was a good distraction for me, but I came home emotionally exhausted and vegged out the rest of the evening. I told Chad I wanted nothing for Mother's Day. He did get a card from the kids and one from him. Jackson made me a picture and Jacob gave me a homemade coupon book. Those meant more to me than anything they could have bought (although Jack really, really, really wanted to buy me something).

Thursday will be the anniversary of her funeral and burial, it's another hard day, but nothing like the 8th. I am so very thankful we have such a Gracious and merciful Lord and Savior. I don't know how else I'd get through these hard days. I look at those who deny Jesus as their Savior and wonder how in the world they get through one single day, much less such hard ones.

Thank you for praying me through Sunday. None of you will know how crushing that day was to me. What most people don't get is that you ARE thankful for the children still walking on this earth, but that does not make you miss the one who's not any less. For many bereaved Mom's, Mother's Day is already a difficult day, but let me tell you I never experienced it being so absolutely AWFUL until this year. When a day that was created to celebrate me, to celebrate those who made me a Mother...to not have the child who MADE me a mother first, to have the day that celebrates this huge part of who I am, who I love about me,to know that day is the same day as the worst day of my life.....painful does not even describe how I felt. But that day is over, and with God's grace I came out breathing and even had a smile on my face a couple times. I was able to think of how she met Jesus that day and how as painful of a day that was for me, it was the most glorious day for her! I DO celebrate her life and even her death. I do still miss her and long for her, yet would never want to bring her back from Heaven.

I thank you, Jesus for my 2 years with Jordyn. I thank you for loving her so much that you allowed her relief and gave her Heaven. I thank you for holding me so tightly over the last 11 years, and for allowing me the promise of you continuing to hold me oh so tightly for the rest of my days on this earth. Thank you for your mercy on each and everyone of us. We sure don't deserve it in our own selves, but in you we're new, loved, and forgiven.

May 8

2011-05-08T00:03:00.002+02:00

It's after midnight in Germany now, it's officially May 8 and yes "Mother's Day". I know it's a day to honor mothers, to celebrate mothers. I do not want to celebrate this year. IF I could stay in bed all day I would. I won't be allowed to, because life just doesn't work like that (plus we need new mattresses so my back would be aching....but anyways). 11 years ago, my sweet Jordyn Ashleigh took our Lord's hand and went home to Heaven. My heart knows I should celebrate the end of pain and suffering, the end of her battle against cancer. My mothers heart, the heart that aches and longs to feel her in my arms....it aches.

I am so thankful that I know where my child is. I'm thankful that I don't have to worry about her safety, her heart, her soul. I miss her though. I miss her smell, the sound of her voice, her laughter, her smile, the twinkle in her eyes, her singing. One sweet day I'll have all those things back.

I look to the Lord, he's where my help comes from. I am so thankful I have my Lord to lean on, to depend on....especially as my heart aches.

I love you my sweet Jordyn and miss you so much.

Events of the Day

2011-05-02T23:56:00.002+02:00

I debated all day long one whether I'd write about the events of last night or not. I won't write a lot, but want to share a few of my thoughts and feelings of all of it. I have a sense of relief knowing that Osama (Usama) Bin Laden is dead. I'm also concerned at how AlQuida and fellow terrorists will be reacting over this news. I'm concerned for our military men and women who are down range. I'm concerned for all Americans all over the world, especially those who are in Muslim/Islamic countries, especially those there as missionaries. I am in deep prayer for all of them/us. I believe that the enemy will make him a Martyr.

I think those of us who are Christians need to come together and start praying immediately (if you're not already) for our troops safety and American's (and allies) in general. Let us not let our guards down, be vigilant if not even more so. For us who are military families....remember OPSEC. I think it's more important now than ever before. I'm often taken back at how much some bloggers will share online. From their specific location (come on there are some real CRAZIES out there and I'm not even talking terrorists!) to the locations of their military member. Personally, I don't think you can be too safe. For me, I don't and won't share where we're stationed, beyond Germany on here. I don't think it's wise and again there are just too many freaks out there...terrorists and others! So please be careful what you're putting out there. You NEVER know who's reading your blog.

I'm thankful for our military who's given so much....from their lives (and we've personally lost dear/close friends) to time with family and friends. Tonight I'm thankful to the specific SEALS who risked it all and made our world a little safer last night. I'm thankful that I'm married to a man who's been deployed 5 times (3 of them to Iraq). I'm thankful most of all that I have a Savior who loves me, who does not require me to kill innocent people or anyone for that matter.

So tonight as I drift to sleep, I'm thankful that there's one less terrorist in our world, but I do not live in a world that I believe 10 more didn't rise up. I have faith though in Jesus Christ and his full of mercy truth.

I am thankful God is far more merciful with me than I deserve. So although I'm not trying to say that what happened to OBL. I'm thankful I have the promise of Heaven,

Easter

2011-04-25T23:53:00.005+02:00

I hope you all had a wonderful Resurrection Day! We went to the Sunrise service that our chapel had, it was short, but beautiful. We were able to come home and immediately Chad hid eggs out in the backyard and the kids had fun finding eggs, even sweet Noah joined in! The night before after we dyed them both of the older boys drew pictures of the 3 crosses on Good Friday. Let me tell you how blessed it is to see your children shining the TRUTH, knowing the TRUTH, knowing and loving Jesus. We had a couple friends over for dinner and dinner was so good! :) I made a turkey, ham, dressing, homemade noodles, mashed potatoes and gravy (from the turkey broth..yum!), and veggies. Our friend M made baked beans which were seriously awesome and I'm not normally a fan of them! Our other friend A brought cupcakes, and Chad and M made deviled eggs! Dinner was awesome!

The day was truly blessed as we thanked the Lord for his sacrifice and for his fulfillment of the scriptures. It's truly so humbling to think of all he went through for me and for you to be allowed to enter the Kingdom of HEAVEN. On Friday (Good Friday that is) our chapel did a short service, dinner, and then showed The Passion of the Christ. We own the movie, but the last time we watched it was 7 years ago. I remember sobbing and hiding my face through a good portion of it. I've felt the Lord whispering that it was time that I was reminded just what he went through for me. It's not a movie that can be taken lightly. It's not a movie that just anyone can watch, and I think you need to be prepared. There's no way to prepare your heart, but be prepared to have your heart moved beyond measure when you see exactly what he went through for you. It's humbling and heartbreaking. If you've never seen it, I urge you to watch it. If you've not watched it in a while...I encourage you to pray and see if the Lord is calling you to watch it once again. Jacob wants to watch it, but I just don't feel like he's quite ready for it. It's so graphic and although it's true, I just want him to be mature enough and truly ready to watch it. I think in a couple more years he'll be ready, but we'll keep seeking God's wisdom on when to expose him to this harsh reality.
With that, I'm ending with pictures that I've taken over the last couple of weeks. Lots of Noah and quite a few from Easter. Be blessed.

Emma with our friend "M"'s dog, Skittle...taking her for a little bike ride

Emma getting her nails painted by her big brother, Jacob

Emma decorating a cookie

Jacob and Jackson...my handsome boys

My world

Excited to see their Easter baskets!!!

This is my favorite photo of Noah and Chad!

My sweet Noah

Loving swinging

Noah and his big brother, Jacob

Getting some loving from Jackson

Tired!!

2011-04-13T00:08:00.002+02:00

I'm wiped out and I wish I could say that I'll get some downtime soon, but that's not going to happen until we're done with school. We have daily school of course....and well let me just lay it out for you! Sunday's: Church and AWANA (normally we come home from church, have a simple lunch, go over the kids AWANA verses, let the kids play outside for about 30 minutes to an hour and then it's time to leave). Home and dinner and then time for bed for the kids. Monday: School, Jacob has Cub Scouts, Jack has baseball practice, Emma has ballet, and I go to Zumba in the evening, so I leave Noah and Emma with Chad and Jacob (Chad's the coach for Jackson's team) Tuesday: School, Praise Team Practice, Jacob baseball practice, and I have Zumba Wednesday: PWOC, (the boys do school during PWOC) come home have lunch and finish up any school that wasn't finished during the morning, Jackson has cub scouts, I have Zumba Thursday: School and Jacob has baseball practice, Jackson's baseball games Friday: School and Hospitality House Saturday: Finish any school work that was not finished (yes even school on Saturday's if necessary) Jacob's baseball games. Of course we have to squeeze in errands, shopping, and various other things. I do NOT like this schedule at all. I honestly can't stand it. I do not like being on the go constantly. I do not like feeling like we're over taxed. I do not like having no down time and right now we have NONE...oh wait we do have Saturday evenings! LOL So want to pray for me? Seriously I absolutely COVET any and all prayers you'll be saying for me. Life's not bad, oh no not at all...just exceptionally busy. I do think praying for each other is vital and when we're seeking the Lord in all steps of our life, we'll feel him every step of the way. So yes, as you can see though...I'm tired! I'm a bit wiped out! Oh and lets not forget I have a 10 month old thrown into this mix, who's hobby is nursing! LOL I joke, but I'm pretty serious about that! Somewhere in all of this, I've been working hard on laundry and working hard to trying to keep up on housework, although I'm not doing the best job there. All my floors except the kitchen have been swept and mopped between yesterday and today (tomorrow is the kitchen and will do the bathroom's, again). You know though, through all this busyness....I'm relying on God to get me through it that much more. I'm thankful for this time in our lives. I'm thankful we're able to enjoy watching our boys play baseball and seeing them enjoy themselves. I'm thankful that Emma gets to do ballet and the best part, it's not breaking the bank! (Come on, can't I get a whoot-whoot out of THAT one?!!!). I'm loving my time with Noah. He's such a happy boy. He's a laid back little guy. He enjoys his siblings so much, loves his Daddy, and is in love with me. He smiles so easily and laughs often. He's showing a bit of ornryness in his personality, and there's just such joy in his heart!!!! With that, my bed is calling my name. I have to be up early for PWOC in the morning. I love this midweek special time with our Lord and fellowship with sisters in Christ. I'm not thrilled about the early wake up! LOL No really I don't mind it too much, most Wednesday mornings. Next year I will Not be on the board and well honestly I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful that God's preparing a quieter time for me. I will say though, that I enjoy my position on the board this year. I'm the Prayer Coordinator, and love it. I have a heart for prayer and believe that it's absolutely necessary. Without prayer we have no communication with the Lord. We should be talking to him constantly, we don't have to get down on our knees to communicate with God. We can be driving and talking to him, doing dishes, taking a shower, laying in bed, sitting on the computer, sitting at baseball practice.....we can talk out loud or in our heads. We can pray with others or alone. There's no right or wrong with to pray, when you're truly going to Jesus....fully and completely. So now is time to go spend with the Lord as he helps me drift off to sleep. We're blessed my friends. We have a Savior who loved us so much that he died for us. Oh how blessed we are. Here's to sweet dreams! (PS if I am all over in this, please accept my apologies...I've struggled to keep my eyes open writing this)

My God!!

2011-04-09T02:01:00.002+02:00

My God is the same whether the government pays us or not. My God is the same whether the Government shuts down or keeps going. My God is the same. He never changes. He loves me unconditionally. He's the great physician. He's my Father. He's my hope through today and for tomorrow. He loved me the moment I was formed in my mothers womb, and he'll love me the day I join him in Heaven. My God is the same and nothing can change that. He is the ONE consistent in this life. We only have to start talking/praying to him. We only have to open our bibles and read his promises. Sometimes we ask him something and his answer is no and sometimes it is yes, while other times it's simply "not yet". Through it all though, my GOD is the same! He loves me more passionately than I could ever imagine loving another, and that includes my own children. He wants the best for me. He'll never forsake me or leave me. How thankful I am that through all the turmoil that's happening in our nation, I have the hope and promise of my Lord, My Savior!

Ultimate Blog Party (a little late)

2011-04-03T19:52:00.003+02:00

So I'm late to the party! I'd like to say Fashionably late, but well I'm not the most fashionable girl, so I'll just say I'm late, I have kids, a hubby, homeschool, bible study, ballet class (for Emma), baseball practices, cleaning a house, taking care of a dog (that I only sort of like), oh and lets not get started on the stinking laundry (it IS my nemesis). So a little about myself for those who are new here, I guess read the above and you'll get a good portion of who I am! Lets start with the absolute, positively most important thing about me....I am a Christian! I believe that Jesus Christ is the Lord, he's my Savior, and I am absolutely nothing without him. I believe that unless you believe in him you will NOT be going to Heaven. I believe that if you have any other "ideas" of him you're wrong, you're not going to Heaven, and my heart truly aches for you. Next.....I'm the wife of Chad who happens to be a Soldier in the US ARMY. We just celebrated 14 years of marriage. We've had all sorts of ups and downs. We are about to go through our 6th Deployment. He was in an awful accident this past August, is truly blessed to have survived, it's amazing that he's walking, etc. He broke his left clavicle bone, tore his 7-11th vertabrae's, and fractured his sternum. He had surgery 3 days after the accident, they placed a titanium rod in his shoulder and one in his back, (sternum healed on its own). We went to see his surgeon almost 2 weeks ago and praise the LORD he's completely healed!!!! With that healing means he'll join his unit, which is already deployed here shortly. (I will not post the date for his safety). We have been blessed with 5 children so far! Jordyn would have turned 13 on March 30, yes would have is correct. When she was 2 years old she went home to Heaven. She was diagnosed with AML leukemia when she was 6 days from turning 1 year old. She fought so hard, but ultimately the Lord declared that her work was finished and she was mercifully taken home on May 8, 2000. We of course miss her, wonder what she'd be like, what she'd look like, etc but oh to know my sweet little girl is safe in the arms of Jesus, there's nothing more reassuring! We also have: Jacob:10, Jackson:7, Emma: 3, and Noah who's 10 months old (not sure how that's possible, because he was JUST born!! No seriously he was!). We homeschool our children. The Lord called our family to it and although it can be absolutely challenging, it's also a blessing! We have been homeschooling since Jacob was in kindergarten (so from the beginning). This year instead of me piecing their curc. I decided to go with Alpha Omega's Life Pac's! We love it! God is in everything, every subject from the beginning of time to now! Oh I guess I forgot to tell you where we're blessed to live. Germany! We have been here for almost 6 years and LOVE it! I truly feel so at home here. I can't describe it in words how much I love it here. I feel like this is where GOD wants us. We have been blessed to travel and see so many amazing places and hope to see many more before we're forced to move back stateside. My interests....PWOC (Protestant Women of the Chapel....aka Women's bible study that was started 56 years ago in Germany from some Army spouses who wanted fellowship time with fellow spouses). Reading (my favorites are Christian Fiction and Nonfiction, Nonfiction in General, History, travel books, and my favorite: The Bible...truly the greatest book ever written!). I love taking pictures of my children, although I would love to learn more in photography! I love antiques and have acquired a few beautiful pieces since living in Germany. I've become a lover of Zumba and working on getting healthier and thinner this year! Traveling, I love it and thrive on it! I can't wait for our next adventure and discovery! My favorite place so far is hands down: Ireland! So very beautiful, amazing, and just a striking country! So leave me a comment, and I look forward to getting to know you! God's Blessings

2011-03-30T12:34:00.002+02:00

I have hope that tomorrow my heart won't hurt so much. I have hope that one day I'll be with my beautiful Jordyn again. I have hope because, Jesus Christ is my Savior. Today instead of me hugging and kissing and wishing Jordyn a happy birthday and celebrating 13 years of life....I know she's safe in the arms of Jesus. Chad and I are still not sure what we're going to do today for her birthday celebration. I had PWOC this morning, I led our worship team and prayed and cried. Chad stayed home this morning with the kids since Emma wasn't feeling well when she woke up (I think it was just allergy junk though). He has to go to the memorial service of two of our fallen soldiers from our Battalion who were killed last Tuesday in Afganistan. I'm not going to the memorial service, it's too hard and today's hard enough, plus at 4 I have Noah's well baby apt. and Jack has cub scouts. So although it'd be easiest to climb in bed, have a good hard cry, and sleep....God's made my life so that it won't work like that. I am strugging right at this moment to find joy, I have it, it's just a little deeper in my heart today. I know that part of me wants to REJOICE and sing from the mountain tops that today 13 years ago I gave birth to the most amazing little girl ever. I AM BLESSED. I AM Thankful. I AM Loved. Happy Birthday, Jordyn. I love you to Heaven and Back (and back again a few million times). Today I became a Mommy and I can say it was TRULY the most amazing experience of my life. I'll love you forever.

14 years ago

2011-03-26T23:34:00.002+01:00

My camera's not beside me and I'm tired and just too lazy to go get it and upload the pictures, hopefully I'll share some later! The point of this post though is that today Chad and I celebrated 14 years of marriage! I feel so blessed that this year we were able to actually go out and celebrate. We rarely do that, for one he's so often not home (deployed or out training) or just can't justify it financially to go out and do anything. This year we were able to. Chad called and made reservations for us at a steak place and it was AWESOME. I got what they call the Women's Tenderloin, it was so good! Tender and juicy. I got a side of mushrooms that were seasoned perfectly. Chad who doesn't care for mushrooms even agreed that they were good! Oh and while waiting on dinner they brought us two homemade wheat/whole grain rolls with homemade pesto sauce and wow, seriously delicious! I would go back there just for the rolls, but the steaks were just so insanely good! Now I'm a steak snob. I grew up on a farm where every year my dad would pick out his best steer and fatten him up and he'd end up in our deep freezor once big enough. So I know what a good steak should taste like. Of course it's taken me a few years of marriage to even want steak, because we ate it so much growing up (5 to 6 nights out of the week, I got pretty sick of it!). Chad has no empathy for me at all! LOL
Anyways, back to our evening! We hired a teen that we know and trust to watch the kids. Jack came in a couple hours before we were due to go out and said he was invited over for a sleep over at our neighbor who lives directly in front of us, so down one kid. Then after the babysitter arrived the mom of one of Jacob's best friends called and asked if he could spend the night....two kids gone. So she now only had Emma. We'd debated leaving Noah, but figured we'd have to come home earlier than planned to nurse him and he'd just been sort of off all day, so he went with us. He was such a good boy! After dinner we went and just walked around our beautiful city. I shared to Chad how I felt so much at HOME here in Germany, and in our beautiful city. I just love it here. The thought of having to leave makes me sick to my stomach. I know if we do, it's in God's plan for us, I just know my heart does not want to leave this place, not yet anyways. After walking around we drove to our favorite Eis shoppe (Ice cream shoppe). They were having a special on Spaghetti Eis, sweet! Now if you've never been in Germany you may not know the wonderfulness that is spaghetti eis. It's just simply ice cream pushed through a tool to look like spaghetti, topped with a cherry sauce (or strawberry), with white chocolate sprinkled to look like parmesian cheese. So good! Well they had every thought you could ever imagine for spaghetti eis tonight. I got strawberry, fresh strawberries...oh it was so very good. Chad got three different ones on a plate. We figured that they'd be much smaller servings, oh no normal sizes all 3 of them! It had vanilla (classic), strawberry, and chocolate. They were all good, and I had a couple bites of the strawberry and chocolate...some how he managed to eat them all. Of course once we got home, it hit him how miserable he was! LOL

I feel so blessed that we got to spend time together, although we had Noah with him, we just really cherished being together. Holding hands, talking, lots of laughing, and being in amazement at how fast the last 14 years have went and yet how it feels like we've always been together. I'm so thankful that God brought Chad into my life. I'm thankful that I married my best friend. That we've been blessed with 5 beautiful children. I wouldn't have wanted to go through the good or the hard times with anyone else. Deployments are hard, but reunions are so sweet. God has held us through many times when we both are hurting, he's healed hurts, show us how to grow our love, cherish the moments we have together, and reminds us how precious our time is here on Earth. We don't know what tomorrow holds for us, but for tonight I'm thankful that 14 years ago, I married the man I never knew to dream of. I married the man who had become my best friend. Who loved (s) me passionately. Who dreamed of a future with me on our first date and wasn't afraid to share with me! Who loves God fully. I'm so thankful and so very blessed. Marriage is HARD. It'd be easier to just throw it away, but it's worth all the hard work. It's worth the sweat and tears that come from it. It's a blessed union under GOD and that should never, ever be taken lightly.

I love you Chad and look forward to what God has instore for us for the rest of our lives! Here's to another 40 to 50 years!!!

Changes

2011-03-23T22:18:00.003+01:00

Yesterday Chad and I went to see his surgeon from his accident in August (for new readers, my husband, Chad was in a very serious roll over accident in a soft top humvee that could have easily paralyzed or killed him). He had xrays done and he's completely healed up! He'll have the rods removed from his shoulder and spine in December most likely. He told him any time between June and December, but because he's being released and all restrictions are now lifted, Chad will be deploying. We don't have a date yet, but his unit is already down range and have been there for a few months, so once he's ready he'll be heading down to join his unit.
We both have peace over this and know that nothing is outside of God's will and we trust him. So deployment #6 is now looming in our near future.
We praise GOD that he healed Chad's body so completely and fully and that he's physically able to safely deploy. We are thankful for the drs, nurses, and physical therapists that God has placed in our lives over the last 7 months to help his body heal properly. It's truly amazing how Great our Great physician is and the progress he's allowed with modern medicine!
So now it's time to get ready to go back at parenting on my own again with distant "help"/"coparenting" from Afganistan. I'm not looking forward to that part at all, but again trusting God to help me. I will definitely be facilitating local/trust worthy teens to baby sit so this Momma can keep her sanity, taking up friends offers for childcare, playdates, an evening out, etc.
I'm already planning on taking the kids down to Italy this summer if I can get us a cabin. I'd like to stay down there a full 7 nights and just truly relax and enjoy ourselves, enjoy the beach, grilling, eating good Italian pizza and other dishes, and making memories and going to Florence and probably another stop over at Pisa (since we didn't have Noah last time), I'm also thinking of bringing either another adult friend with me or bringing along a teenage helper which could be a win-win for both of us....gives me extra hands and her some time on the beach! ;)

I'm now off to bed, Zumba kicked my butt tonight. I haven't been in 2 weeks after being sick the last 2 weeks. So time for some reading and shut eye.

God Bless

A Trip Down Memory Lane

2011-03-11T19:33:00.006+01:00

Last weekend was a very emotional weekend for Chad and I. We returned to where we were stationed when Jordyn was diagnosed. We were officially stationed in Baumholder, but Chad's battalion was up in Strassburg Kaserne and we lived up there as well. Strassburg Kaserne was a 5 minute drive from a beautiful city, Idar-Oberstein. We loved going there. We would often go a couple times a week. We would often walk down there, the hill was huge and steep! We'd drive down there on our "lazy" days and then just walk around the pedestrian area, buy a pretzel, and look in all the jewelry stores. There are so many good and just precious memories stored up there, that time of our life. Those were days of being naive and innocent. The days where I thought tomorrow would come, where children didn't die, that cancer happened to OTHER people, other peoples kids were the ones with bald heads and racoon cheeks...not my little girl. Not MY Baby.

March 24, 1999 everything changed. Our lives were turned upside down and inside out. To be told 1 year after your beautiful little girl was due to be born, that she had cancer. That she had leukemia. To be told to pray for ALL leukemia and pray it's not AML Leukemia. I prayed and I believed and the next day she was transferred from Landstuhl to a German hospital, Homburg University. We were told that she had AML. Our lives changed in a moment. We took our baby to the hospital because she had croup to be told hours later that she had leukemia to be told a day later that she had the type of leukemia we were told to pray against. I only left Jordyn once to return home to pack up my clothes & Jordyn's, get our medical records, and ultimately say goodbye to our last home in which we lived a "normal" life and ventured into a new "normal". A life of chemo, anti-nausea medication, central lines, flushing of lines, etc. Our lives went from new Jordyn's new stages to what type of chemo on what day, bone marrow biopsies and spinal taps. After that one time, I never retured to our home and neither did Jordyn. Chad took the responsibility of having our apartment packed up and everything shipped to the states when we moved to Ft. Belvoir for Jordyn to be treated at Walter Reed.

So....this past weekend, we returned. I figured I'd shed some tears, but I didn't expect the emotions that came over me. I was swept back to 1999. To the days of being innocent and naive. To the days of my sweet Jordyn being a beautiful, chubby baby toddling around our apartment, loving on our cat, Cassie by laying on her...giving love to our dogs BJ and Brittany. From her happy giggles and laughter that filled our home. Days before internet was a way of life, where long walks was a daily habit, rocking and snuggles was a way of life, and tomorrow held so much promise. I never imagined in my worst nightmares what was to become Jordyn's (and our) future. I never imagined 14 months later she'd be in Heaven, just barely 2 years old, when we hadn't even celebrated her first birthday.

Tomorrow's never promised, not even for our children. So if you're a Momma (or Daddy) reading this....go snuggle, hug, and kiss those precious gifts of yours. I don't care how frustrated you might feel, how annoyed you may be, how stressed out you are because of those blessings...they ARE blessings and I'm here to tell you that tomorrow is NOT promised. The only promise you have is if you have a relationship with Jesus Christ! If you have him as your personal Savior, then you have a promise of eternity! Teach your children well! Love them, don't take them for granted. Enjoy them. Don't rush them to grow up. Relish them at what ever age/stage they're at. Just love them.

God's Blessings

Christy

little of this a little of that

2011-03-08T16:13:00.007+01:00

Before braces (in the ortho's chair)

After/With Braces
Well Jacob has braces now, he got 6 on the top, which will remain for 6 months, they'll remove them and he'll have a retainer until he's lost enough baby teeth to continue on with the process. He was in pain for the first couple of days, but since he's not complained. He's adjusting to not being allowed certain foods, but he's not doing bad and hasn't complained.

I'm not sure if I shared that my baby, Noah is 9 months old now, actually 9 1/2 months. How quickly it's gone by. He's cruising the furniture, it's a crawling pro, and he loves to get into anything and everything!! He's also the absolute cutest thing in the entire world! He's a tad bit adored. He LOVES his brothers and sister (but looooves his bubbas). He's such a happy little guy and a big little lover! He brings so much joy and laughter into our home!

Could he be any cuter??!! He has a little bruise on his head from falling one day (hey it happens).

Jackson's doing great in his advancements with reading. It's been a challenge, until recently and now he's reading more and more, gaining more and more confidence in this new found ability! School has become so much easier with him and far less frustrating! Whew! The kid can memorize like no one's business as well. His favorite thing to do though....just play and be a boy! He's loving being in Cub Scouts. He's in the Wolf pack and is excited for Wednesday's to come, when he gets to go to his meeting! This Thursday is the boys Den meeting and they'll be getting their cars for the Pine Wood Derby! Both are excited, but Jackson's REALLY excited! It's seriously so cute!!

Jackson in downtown Idar-Oberstein

Emma, oh Emma. She recently started ballet and looooves it! I have to go this week and get her, her leotard,tutu, and ballet shoes. She is having fun and has no interest in playing sports right now, which I don't mind...one less thing to run to! She's too smart for her own good I swear. In love with Noah, loves her two older brothers, Daddy, and is still a big momma's girl! She's such a funny girl and seriously loves being the center of attention, which can come out as a little bit of jealousy when that attention is being giving to Noah at times. But you know she's a sweet girl, a little sassy at times, and keeps us on our toes and laughing often!

I'm going to write another post later about our past weekend. We went to see my friend Kandice who lives up by Ramstein. While there we went over to Idar-Oberstein (the pictures of Jack and Emma were taken there). We lived just above IO when Jordyn was alive. I will leave it at that, until later.

2011-02-28T02:50:00.002+01:00

It's almost 3 AM and I'm still wide awake. In about 12 hours my big boy will be getting the first stage of braces on. His top 4 teeth are very messed up, so he'll be getting braces just on top and only the 4 maybe 6 teeth, in a year or maybe two (depending on how long it takes for him to loose the rest of his baby teeth) he'll get the rest of his braces. It's honestly hard to believe I have a child old enough to be getting braces. The years just fly by. Far too quickly. It seems like only yesterday that he was Noah's age. The other night we were talking about what he was doing when he was Noah's age. He went through this awful phase of banging his head against the wall. It was horrible to me. Of course I'd react, which would only encourage the behavior. When he finally stopped was when I finally stopped reacting! LOL Of course!

I read blogs of new Momma's and how they're wishing for the next phase of babyhood to get here....wishing away these precious moments, wishing away the time. I am going to just say it: STOP IT! It goes by in the blink of an eye. If you have a baby, relish it. Love it....enjoy it. You WILL long to have those days back. You'll long to hold your baby in your arms again. You'll look at your toddler and wonder how they got there. How it's possible that they're talking and running and never run out of constant energy????? Don't wish those toddler days away either. In a flash they'll be a big kid who may actually know more than you. Who may roll an eye at you, who are almost as tall as you....who just a blink ago were that infant that you were rocking to sleep in your arms. Who you nursed to sleep, and held tightly to your finger. You'll long to feel them cuddled up in your lap once again. Don't wish these days away, I promise you it goes by all too quickly.

There's nothing wrong with looking forward to the future, just don't be so focused on the future that you forget to enjoy the present! Look back on the past with fondness and smiles.

Make memories. Share laughter, hugs, and kisses. Take pictures of the mundane of your life with those little ones, so you never forget. Smell them in, take deep, life lasting smells of their heads. Never take for granted a day. It'll be over before you know it.

Most of all praise GOD for each Glorious Day. Praise Jesus that you have the Promise of Tomorrow because of his sacrifice for your life and your loved ones.....if they're believers.

Tonight as I'm heading to bed, I'll be cuddling with my 3 year old who's officially out of diapers (she's just recently night time "trained") and my 9 month old. I'm blessed and not taking a moment for granted. Tomorrow....I'll take my camera and take before and after photo's. I can't believe my "little man" is 10 and ready for braces.

9 months/6 months

2011-02-19T22:21:00.004+01:00

Today's a bittersweet day. The Sweet is that Noah's 9 months old today. Wow how has time gone by so quickly? 9 months. They're formed and grow and are born in 9 months and here he is....God formed a beautiful, happy, funny, loving, loved little baby boy who's adored and cherished in ways that are just unspeakable. How quickly they go from these little bundles that do nothing but sleep and eat and cuddle in just that right spot on your chest and in the nape of your neck, to cruising the furniture and crawling at the speed of lightening. Who do everything they can inbetween the times of sleeping and eating and making the most of all those moments. Such beautiful moments they are, but wow are they on the go! Here's a widely known secret (so I guess that doesn't make it a secret huh! ) I hold my babies as much as I possibly can. I don't lay them on the floor much, because I don't want them to be mobile for as long as possible. Here's the reality...once they're mobile you're constantly chasing, you making sure your older children have picked up the lego's, twigs that the stupid dog drug in, that got caught on his coat, because you know that the little one is fast as can be to pick up any and everything and stick it into his mouth. They're pulling up, walking along the furniture, losing their grip and balance and falling and bumping the head...the olders are running and acting like it's the end of the world, which in turn makes that baby cry harder,louder, longer. But you know what, I wouldn't want to miss a moment. I love each moment, even when I feel like I'm constantly walking throughout the rooms picking up the lego's and stupid twigs from the stupid dog (can you all guess who I'm not liking right now???? ) Anyways....time flies by too fast. So, I literally hold my babies as long as possible. I don't wish any of this time away. Sure there are nights when he's up until 4 AM because of gas, because a certain momma was stupid and ate something that's not digesting in his properly (oops..BUT lesson learned!). Even when I'm dog tired and have tears streaming down my face because I'm so exhausted and know that in only a couple short hours the older kids will be up ready for breakfast and ready to start their school day....I cherish it. I know that these moments are fewer and fewer and in a blink of an eye Noah's going to be 10 years old like his big brother and I'm going to long for these moments of rocking and nursing and cuddling over eye rolls, stomping, mubling and having to discipline for disrepect and having to talk about how he's breaking a commandment (Honoring They Mother and Father). I don't think Noah's our last, but reality is I don't know what the Lord has prepared for us in the future. I know that my heart doesn't say we're done, Chad's definitely doesn't (he's ready to have another NOW...personally I'm ok with waiting another year, but I trust the Lord!). So with that....Happy 9 month birthday my sweet Noah James. Mommy loves you so very much.

Sweet Noah in the hospital just a couple days old

Noah James...Feb 2011....on a mission: crawling and pulling up with 2 little teeth and the most beautiful blue eyes.

Now to the "bitter". Six months ago my best friend Rebekah went home to the Lord. I do rejoice she's with him....but oh how I miss her. I can't believe it's been 6 months since we last chatted. It was about this time 6 months ago we said "goodnight, talk to you tomorrow. Love you" I never dreamt that tomorrow would not come for her. I never thought her life would end at 33 years old. I never thought that the man who couldn't be bothered and who had readily admitted that the reason he didn't want to be married was because he didn't want to be a FATHER, is now fully responsible raising their two little boys. 11 almost 12 years and 9 years was not enough time for them to have their Momma, yet it was all the time GOD deemed for all of them. Oh how my heart aches. I look at Noah and think that the day he turned 3 months old, she was about to meet her Lord. I'm in close contact with her mom and sister. They are hurting and I know the hurt and pain her Mom is feeling all too well. To grasp that your child's been gone for 6 months/half a year is sometimes just so much to bare. I'm so thankful they all know our Lord. They know she's in Heaven, I KNOW she's in Heaven. How she loved our Lord. I still miss her. I still ache for her boys (actually I'm in such worry for them, but fighting hard to completely trust that the Lord is taking care of them). I don't know I'll ever "understand" why on August 19 GOD called her home. I believe all these sorts of questions will make sense when we get to Heaven. Actually I don't think we'll care, because we'll be with our Lord, that gives me peace. I miss talking to her everyday. It's still hard to grasp that I'll never get to. I still find myself wanting to share things and thinking "oh I will tell Rebekah, she'll love it, understand, etc". Please pray for her boys and her family and her other friends.
Until we meet again my beautiful friend.......

pictures,pictures,pictures

2011-02-16T01:12:00.006+01:00

When the year started I was planning on participating in the 365 days of photo's, but I've failed miserably. I instead decided to just try to take quite a few each week and that's worked out much better!!! So with that here you go. The first set are from Feb and then next is from January (which is noted.

Mr Blue Eyes

He's crawling

He was giggling so hard

In Daddy's Army Winter Weather Gear

Noah hugging Jacob

Jacob's big birthday gift

Jackson

Emma and Me

My Valentine Flowers and the heart is from Jacob

Me and 4 of my GIFTS on my birthday

Jack,Noah,Me,Emma, & Jacob

From this point on below are all from January 2011

Noah

Jacob doing some school work

Jack

Emma

beautiful sunset from my back patio

When Noah was born the hospital had professional photographers and this was part of the package we bought. if you look closely you'll see Noah's feet as the background! Love this!!!

2011-02-11T01:17:00.002+01:00

I was catching up on a couple blogs and read one about how she annoys herself. One thing she said annoyed her was parents who just allow their child to throw a fit and they don't do anything. It got me to thinking about how judgemental I am, we all are. It's so very easy to sit back and judge another mom and/or dad. Easy to judge another wife, woman. More often than not though, we do not know their story.

I have a friend whose son was recently dx with quite a few different issue's, one being PTSD. Now if you're not in the military, you may not know that acronym. If you are in the military you probably know it well. Post Trumatic Stress Disorder. This is common in Soldiers (and other military members), is becoming more common in spouses who've been through multiple deployments (yeah I probably have it),but it's recently been children being dx with it. Sadly my dear friend is dealing with it and so much more. When he starts having a meltdown she simply has to let it go forward, let him finish and then once he's done talk with him. If she tries to "interfere" or "parent" as some would like to call it, he goes into a whole new level. Now from an onlooking looking on at my friend and her son, they'd think she's just ignoring him or doing nothing. The reality is, she's doing exactly what she's found works best with him, as well as what his psychiatrist, psychologist, and specialist.

How many of us stand back and judge others. Parenting or what we deem as lack of parenting? Marriages? Friendships? How they do their job (what ever it may be). Oh we are so full of sin, self-loathing, judgement, self-righteousness. We can't see the board that's in our own eye, while pointing out the thorn in someone else's.
I want to be Godly. I want to be like Jesus. I want to love another far more than I judge. If I'm judging I want it to be righteous judgement, not my own. I want a heart like Jesus, vs the heart that I have. I want to be gentle, yet firm. I want to be blunt, but with love in my heart and tone. Wednesday was my birthday. I had so many birthday wishes, and so many nice things said to me. None do I feel worthy of. I was humbled. I was embarrassed. I felt and still do feel unworthy of such admiration spilled upon me. The reality is, I'm so fallen, so unkind at times, so unloving, and most definitely so unlovable....yet to view me through those who wrote on my facebook wall....I would look like a warm, lovely, kind-hearted, Godly woman. I want to be the woman so many see me as. I want to see me as GOD see's me.

This song just popped in my head:

"No Higher Calling" by Jonathan Butler

Down at your feet Oh Lord
Is the most high place
In your presence Lord,
I Seek your face
I Seek your face

Down at your feet Oh Lord
Is the most high place
In your presence Lord,
We Seek your face
We Seek your face

There is no higher calling
No greater honor
Than to bow and kneel before your throne
I am amazed at your glory
Embraced by your mercy
Oh Lord, I live to worship you

How I long to be at Jesus's feet. How heavy my heart is some days when I think of how unworthy I am, how far I have to go to be what GOD has called me to be. I don't want to judge others. I don't want to look at them and only see faults. I want to look at them through the eyes of Jesus. If I see sin, I want to go to them as a sister in Christ and speak with them as HE calls me to, not as my own "self" wants. Pray for me as I seek to be more like Jesus. To love like him, to walk like him, to fall on my knee's before him.

JJ Heller - What Love Really Means (Official Music Video)

2011-01-29T01:51:00.000+01:00

I heard this song a few weeks ago and it just struck such a cord in my heart. I of course went searching her out and found I love many of her songs. I've been in a funk lately, but when I strip all the self-pity away and just give it to Jesus.....the last verse speaks the truth of it all:
http://www.jjheller.com/article.asp?id=lovemelyrics

He cries in the corner where nobody sees
He's the kid with the story
No one would believe
He prays every night"Dear God won't you please
Could you send someone here
Who will love me?"

Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done
Or what I will become
Who will love me for me
'Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means

Her office is shrinking a little each day
She's the woman whose husband has run away
She'll go to the gym after working today
Maybe if she was thinner
Then he would've stayedAnd she says...

Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done
Or what I will become
Who will love me for me
'Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means
What love really means

He's waiting to die as he sits all alone
He's a man in a cell who regrets what he's done
He utters a cry from the depths of his soul
"Oh Lord, forgive me, I want to go home"

Then he heard a voice somewhere deep inside
And it said, "I know you've murdered and I know you've lied
And I have watched you suffer all of your life
And now that you'll listen I'll, I'll tell you that I..."

I will love you for you
Not for what you have done
Or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
The love that you never knew
Love you for you
Not for what you have done
Or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
The love that you never knew

The More I seek You

2011-01-28T01:49:00.002+01:00

The more I seek you....The more I find you

The more I seek you, The more I find you
The more I find you, the more I love you
I wanna sit at your feet
Drink from the cup in your hand.
Lay back against you and breath, feel your heart beat
This love is so deep, it's more than I can stand.
I melt in your peace, it's overwhelming.

I need this so much right now. I need God's peace. I know I'm not the only one. I know there are others who are needing Jesus and sadly do not even know he's what they need.
I know I'm not the only one who puts a wall up, who doesn't truly let anyone completely in. I have one friend who knows more than others here, but I just don't want to burden her or others. I feel like I'm stuck on this stupid merry go round, and keep having to deal with the same things over and over again. There are times I'm up, and it's great...but more and more I find that I'm down and hurting and just don't want to bother anyone.

Five and a half months ago, my husband was almost killed in a roll over accident in the hum-vee he was riding in and 4 days later one of my best friends unexpectantedly died at the young age of 33, leaving behind her 2 little boys who are now being raised by a Dad who never wanted to be a dad, who couldn't be bothered being a Dad, and still doesn't seem to care so much about being a dad. Honestly I'm furious. I'm furious that Rebekah's almost exhusband (they were days away from signing the divorce papers)is now raising those precious little boys. It truly just infuriates me beyond belief. I think in ways I'm still also reeling from Chad's accident and have yet to let myself truly deal with it.

I need Jesus. I know, I know...I need him. I desperate for him.

School

2011-01-15T12:19:00.003+01:00

I don't blog a lot about our homeschooling adventures, but thought I'd share a bit! School is half way over this year, wow! It's flying by. Jacob's in 4th grade. He's always been a very independent learner, that continues. He's been busy doing a great deal of research, projects, and tons and tons of reading. He loves art and is very talented in drawing and well pretty well anything he puts his mind to. Jackson is not an independent learner, although he's wanting to be more and more and so we're working on encouraging that. Jack is 7 and reading has not been one thing that he's been strong at, but that's not unusual with boys and here's the great thing...on Wednesday he read a book completely on his own! So progress and success are there! He's great at math, loves his bible lessons, it excellent at memorizing bible verses, enjoys math and history. Jack is also showing that he's talented in drawing. I should state that they get that all from their Dad and not a bit from me at all. He also loves to sing and most notably writing his own songs. They're all praise songs to our Lord and they're all long! LOL No seriously i don't know if he's sung us one that's less than 10 minutes! Hehe!! But we love it and are so thankful that his heart is to sing and praise Jesus!!!
This year we're using Alpha Omega Lifepacs and just love,love,love it!!! I highly recommend it! If you're new to homeschooling or wanting a change, we have been so happy with this curiculum this year! If you're searching for a God centered curriculum. If you want one that makes your kids excited and will challenge them, this is a great one. (No I don't get paid, but I do get asked what you use a lot and why we chose AOP). One of our favorite parts is that each subject has 10 small books, so they're easy to take with you when you're out and about, heading somewhere besides being home! ;) It's been perfect especially for Jackson, because looking at books that are thick/long are overwhelming to him, so as he finishes up one he gets excited and can see his accomplishments easily! Jacob said it makes me him feel like he doesn't have so much to do he just keeps focused on the book he's working on vs worrying about what's still ahead! Ok...done with that! LOL

It's really been a great school year and has been a blessing to see both the boys grow in their knowledge and abilities. I'm so thankful that God placed it on our hearts to homeschool our kids.
Emma is also loving doing her "school" work. She likes to sit and write, trace her name, color, be read to and to "read" to us. She loves counting everything, singing, and telling stories (ones she's made up).

I have had people ask how we do it with Noah. Well, he's such an easy going, happy baby that for the most part he makes schooling his siblings easy! He is still a baby so there are days that he simply wants to be the center of attention, and the beauty of hom schooling is there is flexibility! We just roll with things. I'm a pretty flexibile person in general.

God's been so generous to our family in making this possible. He called us to it and he's made it possible the whole time. It doesn't take patience, it doesn't take a masters degree, it only takes dedication and GOD's calling on your family.

Sleepless Nights

2011-01-04T17:32:00.002+01:00

I couldn't sleep last night, I was still awake this morning when Chad left for PT at a little after 6 AM, just laying in bed wishing I was asleep and knowing the kids would be awake way too soon for "me". I fell asleep shortly after Chad left and almost 3 hours of sleep, until the phone rang. A friend of mine who's in the same battalion, but different company called to see if I'd heard about the soldiers from our company who were injured down range. I hadn't (since I was still in bed and Chad didn't wake me to tell me since he knew I'd gotten no sleep), so I hopped out of bed (careful not to wake a still sleeping Noah) and checked my email. Five of our soldiers were injured from an IED, but they're all going to recover. God was protecting them. So my day started, tired but some how we got breakfast done, and school going. Thankfully both boys were on top of things today and they were done by NOON! It was great and I was very thankful for no fighting or stressful schooling today.

It's been a good day for the most part, quiet. The kids and I cuddled and watched movies, read stories, etc. I got a load of laundry folded and put away and then decided to get a little MORE productive and vacuum since it's been over a week and oh sooo needed and low and behold my beloved Dyson is not sucking up....how can this be? I'm honestly too physically tired to take it all apart and figure it out. I was able to pull a lot of junk out but that did not fix the issue, so once Chad gets home he gets the fun job of fixing my vacuum while I make dinner. We have on the menu...breakfast for dinner. I got a waffle iron for Christmas so homemade waffles, sausage links and patties, scrambled eggs and eggs over easy. Well Chad will make the eggs over easy, because I can't stand the smell of them frying like that, yet him and the kids loooooooove them (we call them dippy eggs), and biscuits.

I have to say that tonight I shouldn't have any issue's sleeping, I'm so tired right now it hurts to think. My eyes are so heavy, yet I know if I even considered closing them for even a few minutes I'd be in trouble later tonight. I hate insomnia and have been so thankful lately for it staying at bay for the most part. All good things must come to an end I guess. Would you pray for me, pray for this horrible insomnia that I've had for almost 11 years off and on. I've tried many things, but I do think GOD's working on me and teaching me things through this struggle. My prayer life has strengthened a great deal over the last few years, and that is never a bad thing.

Well...I should get to mixing up the waffle batter! I'm hungry!! Oh and next Monday...Zumba starts back up! Yeah!!! That definitely cheers me up. It's going to hurt, but it's a good pain! :)

Christmas

2010-12-30T18:42:00.004+01:00

We had our 2nd Christmas in a row together, since 2003. I was looking forward to spending this day with our family. I'd invited my friend who spent Thanksgiving to spend Christmas with us. I've never had anyone spend Christmas morning with us and have to say I don't think I want to again. Christmas morning is very special, to be able to just have our little family with us is truly such a gift from our Lord. This year our home was opened to my friend and her girls and another friend who's a single soldier who's pregnant (she didn't get up until the kids were nearly done opening gifts). Having M who's the soldier, wasn't an issue, since she didn't come up until late. What was hard was that we have a certain way we do things, and with the grace of GOD our children were blessed with gifts this year. But ultimately it was a blessing and although I prefer it to be just our family, my friend K's husband is deployed so I know being here was a nice distraction for her.

We had a wonderful dinner. I made turkey (which we're still enjoying leftovers of!), a small ham, homemade noodles, my homemade dressing (or stuffing which is what we call it, but we do not stuff it in the bird!), green bean casserole, mashed potatoes. I also made pumpkinn and chocolate pies. M made BBQ meatballs, which were seriously the best BBQ meatballs any of us had ever had! She used my meatball recipe and then made her own sauce which was to die for!!! She also made deviled eggs, which was via Chad's request!!! Dinner was yummo! The kids got to go sledding in our over 1 foot of snow that we started getting more of on Christmas Eve and it continued to snow a day on Christmas!

We have been so blessed and it's all to the Glory of GOD. Christmas is all about Jesus. We are thankful that our Lord humbled himself to be born a poor babe in a manger. Without his birth, we wouldn't have the promise of the cross.

Thank you, Lord....I just wanna thank you Lord.

New Years post will come hopefully tomorrow or Sunday. I have made a decision to take a picture every single day this year. I've already started with taking pictures of all of us at midnight! I also plan to have at least one picture a week with me in it! I'll be posting the pictures, maybe not daily but at least weekly.

God's Blessings...Humbled by our Lord

2010-12-16T15:08:00.002+01:00

Hi all! Life's going good, busy for sure!! We're preparing for the celebration of our Lord's birth! The 3 oldest kids are going to be in our chapel's Nativity Story play/program. I some how got wrangled into helping! I don't mind, just not sure how it all happened! LOL PWOC is now finished until January! We'll have 4 weeks off and I have to admit, I'm soooo looking forward to the break. This year I did the normal morning class, which was Sheparding a Child by Tedd Tripp (great book), and I took the evening class (because I'm crazy like that!) and took Beth Moore's: Daniel. If you know anything about Beth's studies, they're homework heavy, digging into the bible, and learning lots of new things. Here's my problem....having so much homework equaled Christy not doing homework most of the time. I know HORRIBLE example to my children. Between school with the boys, playing with Emma and Noah, keeping up the house, a dog (that gets on my nerves daily), trying to be a decent wife, Homeschool PE twice a week, PWOC Praise team practice, Hospitality House, helping friends out with their kids, and just every day living.....homework was often something I literally didn't think about until Tuesday night and then I was too tired! I know still an excuse, but it is what it is. I still learned a great deal in BOTH classes, and think my walk with Christ is deeper, my parenting skills are closer to where GOD wants them to be, and honestly I have joy in my heart. GOD is GOOD.....ALL the time! He knew I wouldn't pull off the homework and he loves me anyways!

So here we are 9 days from Christmas!! I have applesauce cookies made! So one down!! Still need to make no bake cookies, buckeyes, and sugar cookies (with the kids). We have the turkey, don't need to buy too much more for Christmas dinner. This year I was smart and while planning our menu and making grocery list, I finally remembered how stressed I am on Christmas Eve, in trying to get our family a fulfilling dinner, yet never having the actual time to make it because of various other things I need to make for the next day, as well as Christmas Eve service, and our family traditions of opening a gift on Christmas Eve, Daddy reading the story of Christ's birth, and watching a movie together before sending the kids off to bed, very excited. So this year...on the 23 I'll be making a big pot of Veggie Soup and we'll have left overs on Christmas Eve (mmmm....it's always better as left overs too!). I also the last couple of years the kids and I have made sugar cookies on Christmas Eve...not this year! We'll be making them earlier in the week! I'm working to simplify things that we love, yet make sure we keep our eyes completely focused on Christ. Less gifts, more giving.

Well, Noah is over in his Jumperoo fussing and literally calling my name "Mommmaaaa, Momma"!! So I'll write more later! I'm so blessed!

Zumba....I did it

2010-12-06T22:06:00.002+01:00

(This post is truly all over the place as I haven't written in a while, so as I think of things...they'll be there! LOL)

I went tonight to my first Zumba class. Holy smokes, this girl is sore, almost 3 hours after the class and the longer the evening is going on the more I know that tomorrow I'll probably be barely moving. What's crazier is that I'm planning on going tomorrow night too! LOL I'm excited about it. Our instructor is a girl I know. She was actually about my size about a year ago and is literally half the size she was. She looks AMAZING! Honestly, had I not seen pictures of her on facebook I would never have recognized her when I saw her in person. I know I won't have as fast of results as she did, since I can't go every single day, but I am planning on going twice a week. Well next week I won't be able to, but after that I will. There's a class tomorrow evening, which normally there isn't on Tuesday evenings. Wednesday evenings I have bible study, but the last of that class is next Wednesday so after that I'll have 2 hours a week where I'm doing nothing but downing water and working my butt off (hopefully literally!!). A lady that I know has gone 6 times and is already seeing a difference in her body, pretty awesome for 3 weeks worth of work outs! I want to add in weight training as well, I know that's a must to have sucessful weight loss and to up my metabolism, and to firm everything up as the weight drops off. That was tonight, but today was busy and fun as well. Our homeschool group had our Christmas party. It was great. We had good food/snacks, the kids had Christmas crafts, they played Bingo, then we did a family ornament exchange (each family brought an ornament and we then numbered the gifts/ornaments and each family got a number! The kids had a great time and us mom's and even 3 dad's were able to come and enjoy the party (Chad was able to be with us pretty well for the majority).

We've been getting snow since the day before Thanksgiving! It's looking better and better that we're going to have a white Christmas! Every day for the next 10 days, except next Thursday they're calling for snow. Today it was a very wet snow and probably will be the next couple of days, because the temps are up just a little above freezing. I have to say I love snow. I love the beauty of it and I get so sick and tired of people constantly complaining about it. Winter they complain about the snow and cold and summer they complain about the heat....I know by the end of winter I will be more than ready for spring, but I'm not going to complain and whine about it especially at the very beginning of winter. The season's are blessings from GOD and we praise him for all 4 of them!!!

Noah's 6 months now! He's growing so much. Sunday he rolled over for the first time! Yes I know he's a little behind the curve on that one and that's ok by me! I've purposely held him a lot because honestly I'm in no rush for him to roll, which leads to crawling, which leads to walking. It's already going by too fast. But...he's rolled now and so it begins! I'm not going to obviously stop it and he does get on the floor every day quite a few times a day, but I've not encouraged this little bit of progress! LOL I think this weekend or next Daddy's going to be putting up gates on the stairs. The stairs have no back to them, so if he ever did get to them, he'd fall to the basement. I hope I can figure out how to add video on here, and hopefully soon I'll remember to get it up on here. Noah's just the happiest baby. The only time he's really fussy is if he's tired of not feeling good. He just has the best giggle and does it often!!!

Well I'm off to walk the dog. Wish those who WANTED the dog would do so more willingly and that includes the husband who wanted and asked for a dog just as long as the kids! But Momma does the nightly walk, which honestly I don't mind, but from time to time it'd be nice to have a night off from it! Especially when it's wet and slick out! Oh well, a Mom's job is never done! :)

Seven Days and counting!

2010-11-18T16:14:00.003+01:00

I love Thanksgiving. I love what the day stands for, to be thankful for our nation, to be thankful for our lives, and for us to be thankful that we have a GOD and Savior who loves us so much he died for us. I also love cooking the Thanksgiving meal. I LOVE cooking the turkey. I put it on normally around 10 or 11 PM Wednesday night, I season it, butter it up, and add water (to cook it all night, you must add water). I baste it off and on while I'm still up, but don't get up just to baste it through the night. It's covered by either my turkey pan lid or foil if the turkey's too big for the lid to fit on (which this year it will be indeed). I like to make my pies the day before, this year I'm making 2 pumpkins and 1 chocolate pie. Thursday morning I'll get up and start making my homemade noodles, get potatoes peeled and diced for mashing later on, cut up fresh veggies and cheeses for snacking on throughout the day. I normally make stuffing, but not this year for Thanksgiving (I'll make it at Christmas though). I'll use the broth from the turkey for my noodles and for gravy. We'll be having corn per Chad's request. The rest of the meal will be made by my dear friend Kandice. They recently moved to a post that we used to be stationed at when Jordyn was alive, they got here in October and we've yet to see each other and I am just so excited I can't wait!!!!! She's bringing things to make her mom's stuffing (oh I hope it's good, because I love stuffing and although until we got married, Chad never liked stuffing, he loves mine...so we're hopeful lol), green bean casserole, and a couple other things. I'm so excited to share this day with my friend, meet her husband (they just got married 18 months ago), see her girls and just hang out and laugh and probably do some crying (her hubby will be deploying in a matter of days after Thanksgiving..sniff-sniff).
Of course I have lots to do before they get here. Lots of cleaning and organizing. The boys are working on getting the upstairs cleaned and I bought a shelving unit at the German thrift store today for their towels to go into, it also has a place for all their games (board games), and any odds and ends I want/need to go in there. I bought yesterday a shelving unit for us downstairs for our towels, and just in general bathroom sort of things, which will really help me to feel organized. I need to take all of Noah's clothes that I've packed up that he's out grown up to the attic, get all of Emma's clothes that she's outgrown packed and up to the attic as well, find our airmattress, for Kandice and Josh to sleep on in Emma's room (a little privacy). The girls will get to sleep in the family room on our futon couch. We figured the kids would want to hang out down there most of the time anyways, so might as well let them sleep in there!

I'm so thankful that we are able to host our friends in our home, that we have a home truly big enough to welcome them in and for them to be comfortable in. I have to get the laundry room cleaned up aka lots of laundry done (have I ever mentioned how much I HATE laundry)? I despise it. It's that unending chore, even when you're "done" you're not done, because you and your family are all wearing clothes, but it must be done and I REALLY am thankful that I have my own laundry room and no longer have to share it with 5 other families! So with that, I'm off to work on laundry and then get dinner started and finish mopping the dining room and then to vacuum the living room (which will have to be done about oh...5 more times before Thanksgiving! LOL

What are you thankful for this Thanksgiving? How will you be marking the day? What are your traditions if you have any?

Days 25-30

2010-11-14T23:05:00.003+01:00

I'm going to finish up this little project of 30 days of me.

Day 25...A First:

Wow I'm seriously struggling to find something to write about on this, so I'll hopefully come back to it and if not, it's because I am just drawing a blank...of course that could be a first in its own right, not knowing what to say! :)

Day 26: Your Fears

I think most people would say "My spouse dying or one of my child dying" and well I don't want either of those to happen anytime soon, yet eventually Chad will die and go to Jesus and eventually I will die, and my children will all die as well and be face to face with our Lord. I've already had to let go of one child, and she is resting safe in the Arms of Jesus. So what fears do I have? My one fear is that those who I love will die without knowing and accepting Christ as their Savior. There's nothing that burdens my heart like that.

Day 27: Your Favorite Place....anywhere with my family honestly. But...with my family and not at home I'd say it's a tie between Ireland and right here in Germany. I love both places, now granted I've only visited Ireland so I could feel differently if I lived there, but we loved our 7 days there. I feel so at home here in Germany, I'd love to stay here for the rest of our lives, if it's what GOD called us to. We shall see what his plans are for our family!

Day 28: Something that you miss: Well the obvious would be Jordyn....so since that's the obvious let me go with the nonobvious to many. I miss some of the conviences of the US, like stores that are open past 7 PM, Sonic (lol....seriously though, I do miss it). Seeing my brother and his wife and daughters. Ok this could get really long as I keep thinking of things/people I miss.

Day 29: Your aspirations: I want to be a GODLY wife and mother. I'm so far from it, it's heartbreaking and sometimes discouraging. I know that with GOD's help I can be who he's created me to be, I just wish I was there right now.

Day 30: One last moment:

One last moment, the fact that with each child GOD has blessed us with, I love them and as excited about them as with Jordyn's pregnancy and her birth. I really didn't think it'd be possible, yet GOD makes it so. I'm so blessed!

And...I never could think of anything for Day 25....eh...I'm done!

Faith Deployed Winners......

2010-11-13T20:54:00.002+01:00

The drawing is done (I should have taken pictures, but totally forgot!).....so the winners are.......

Brandi C and Linda M!!!! I will email you both and get the books mailed out first thing on Monday! Congratulations ladies~!!!!!!!!!

Faith Deploy Review

2010-11-11T18:33:00.005+01:00

I was blessed to have received this book last Feb. at PWOC, so when I saw I'd have the opportunity to do a give away of this book, I jumped on it! Joceyln obviously put great thought and heart into this book, and most of all our Lord is written all over it! Faith Deployed isn't just for you if your spouse is deployed, it's for all of us who's spouse is in the military, was in the military, or is planning on being in the military. Faith Deployed is a devotional that cuts to the heart of it, there are stories/devotions that made me laugh out loud and then the next page I'd be reaching for the tissue's to dry the tears. There are many that simply made me put the book down and open my bible and read GOD's word out of gratitude and thankfulness. This is honestly the best devotional I've read directed to Military wives. There's not a single branch that's not represented. It's such a great reminder that no matter if your husband is in the Army, Air Force, Navy, Marines, or the Coast Guard....we all have hardships, but we're never alone we always will have sisters in Christ walking with us, but most of all we have Christ who is holding us and helping us through it all.

I want to end this review with a reminder from our Lord himself!
Matthew: 28:20
"Surely I am with you always"

Our Lord is always with us. As military wives, life can be lonely sometimes, but we are NEVER alone...we always, always,always have Christ with us!!!

If you want to win this book, leave a comment with your name and email address. Two names will be picked tomorrow sometime!

********I'm going to push drawing the names to Saturday, so spread the word and encourage your fellow military wives to leave a comment at a chance of being blessed***************

Faith Deployed Give Away

2010-11-10T00:24:00.004+01:00

Just a reminder, if you're a military spouse or know one (and in turn want to bless them) I'm having a contest to give away TWO, yes count them TWO Faith Deployed books....so if you'd like to be entered, just leave a comment and your email address. Tomorrow I will be writing a review of this great, beautiful book!

Days 22,23,24

2010-11-08T02:17:00.002+01:00

Day 22: Something that Upsets You

This is something I feel so passionate about.....parents smoking around their children or anyone smoking around children or pregnant woman, and worse a pregnant woman smoking. If you want to smoke, no one can stop you....but as a parent you have no right to hurt your child or anyone else's kids. It makes my blood boil when I see a parent in a car driving, smoking with kids in the car. It's so careless and thoughtless. It truly hurts my heart. This can and does cause cancer not just to the smoker, but to those innocent little people they have no choice. Trust me there's nothing worse than allowing something around your child that ends up being behind why they died. It's a guilt and heartache no one wants.

Day 23: Something that makes you feel better....

Just one thing? Wow....my family is the first, true friends, music/singing, but most of all Jesus. No one can I trust more and know that he loves me and there's nothing better than to know you're unconditionally loved.

Day 24: Something that makes you cry....

Seeing people who I love hurt. Be it my children, my husband, a friend.

October in Pictures

2010-11-07T02:24:00.000+01:00

Faith Deployed Give Away!!!

2010-11-06T20:08:00.004+01:00

I've never done this before, but I was one of the lucky ones who gets to do a give away! What's really awesome is that I can do TWO give aways of this book, because I already own a copy and want to bless 2 Military spouses, so here's the deal. Every day this week I will post a reminder of the Give Away and if you're interested in winning a copy of this book on Friday I will have my kids draw the name out of a bowl and those 2 spouses will be getting their own copy of Faith Deployed!!!! Later in the week I'll be giving my honest review of this book, so be on the look out, but trust me...you will want to be in the running of being picked to receive this book!! :)

So if you're a military spouse and you don't have your own copy of Faith Deployed.....leave your name AND email address in the comments (no email equals no entry...I have to have a way to reach you, even if you think I have your email, just amuse me!). Also if you have other Military spouse friends who you think would be blessed by this book, send them here and have them comment and leave their name and email!

God's Blessings

Day 20 and 21

2010-11-06T02:08:00.002+01:00

Day 20: This Month
Well it's November now and a busy month is upon us! Next weekend we have 3 birthday parties to attend, not sure what we'll do about the 2 that are the same time, right now I'm leaning towards simply dropping a gift over at their place since it's a 1st birthday and well all us mom's know that a big, huge blow out party is often just a lead up to a big, huge melt down for birthday boy, and honestly my kids would have a lot more fun at the other one, since the kids are all closer to their ages. We love the little one turning 1, but it's hard to be at 2 places at one time.
Next Thursday I'm also driving up to Frankfurt to the airport to visit with a friend for a couple hours. She's been working (as a contractor) in Kuwait. Well she's finally done there so her and her two little ones are moving back to the states. She has about a 4 hour layover in Frankfurt so the kids and I will be getting up at what's the crack of dawn to US and plan to be on the road by 6 AM to get there by 8 to have a couple hours with them, before it's time for them to get on their next flight. I'm excited that I get to see her. I haven't seen her in 5 years (since we moved here) and have never got to meet her babies!! She's not met Emma or Noah and Jack wasn't even 2 when she last saw him. Jacob called her his "girlfriend" and he was just 4 the last time he saw her. So it's going to be exciting to see her and all the children being introduced!
We have lots of preparing to do for Thanksgiving. My dear friend Kandice has moved here to Germany and her family will be spending Thanksgiving with us. I'm so excited!! They live aprox. 4 hours from us so I haven't been able to see her yet since she arrived in country! I'm not sure how many days they'll be spending with us, at least Thanksgiving and the night, I'm hoping at least through Saturday.

I'm looking forward to cooking Thanksgiving dinner! I love cooking Thanksgiving dinner (and Christmas). I love the smell of turkey cooking all night long and having it done in the morning when I wake up, and then making all the fixings. I still have to get with Kandice and see what their must haves are and what she wants to contribute to dinner. The Sunday after Thanksgiving is the first Advent Sunday and the beginning of Christmas Markets!! Can't wait.

We also have school to do, homeschool group, AWANA, PWOC, and hopefully a field trip thrown in! Life's never boring, but oh so good.

Day 21: Another Moment

The moment our lives changed in ways we didn't imagine (my first moment was all about Jordyn). Eight days after Jordyn died that moment was finding out I was unexpectantedly pregnant with Jacob. When Jordyn was dying, Chad and I both felt firmly that we would not have anymore children. The heart break was so strong, we had no idea that Jacob was already forming in my womb. That GOD's intention for us was bigger than what we could possibly grasp. I feared I wouldn't be able to love him, that my heart simply was too broken. The moment I discovered that my heart was indeed not too broken, that I could love again, that I could breath again, live again was the moment I heard his first cry. Such a precious and unexpected moment. He was born on my Great Grandma C's 91st birthday. She had wanted a grandbaby born on her birthday all of her life, so when I found out my due date was only 2 days before her birthday I KNEW when Jacob would be born. For the next almost 2 years were some of the happiest of her life, as she had her birthday baby and how she loved him.
I love these moments where GOD shows us he knows far more than we can grasp. Jacob's creation and birth...what a moment!

Day 18 and 19

2010-11-02T19:49:00.002+01:00

I've decided to try and catch up a bit, I'd like to be done with this sooner rather than later!

Day 18: Your Favorite birthday

Well I have 2 of them! My 22nd birthday. Jordyn was alive and at that point we thought she was healthy. I don't recall what we did. I know we were stationed in Baumholder, and I'm pretty sure we went out to eat. Life was full of possibilities and full of joy.
My other would be my 30th. I LOVED turning 30 and have loved my 30's since. We were here in Germany where we are stationed now. Chad threw me a surprise party!!! My first surprise ever! He took me to one of our favorite places, Italia's! He invited a few of my friends who greeted us there, he even made me a huge double layer (9x13 size lol) German Chocolate cake (a little useless info....the German chocolate cake is not German, the man who created it, his last name was GERMAN and that's where it's from!! Plus if you have ever had German cake, you'd realize it's so anything but authentic German lol..it's sweet and yummy). I was surrounded by my sweet family and friends and pregnant with Emma. It was so much fun and just a birthday full of joy and celebration and lots of laughter!

Day 19: Something you regret

I'll start and I'm sure I may ruffle a few feathers, but oh well...I can not stand when people say "oh I don't regret anything, it's made me who I am". Ok I think we all know our experiences make us who we are, but that doesn't mean we can't regret things. I absolutely have regrets, actually I have MANY. My biggest regret is ever allowing my parents to smoke even one cigerette around me while I was pregnant with Jordyn and around her after birth. There's now proof that the unborn BABY being exposed to cig. smoke can cause AML leukemia (which is what Jordyn had), and of course 2nd hand as well. I will NEVER forgive myself for that. I always hated their smoking, but never had the courage to stand up to them. I did after she was diagnosed and no one is allowed to smoke around my children or me for that matter. Honestly I wish it was made illegal. It hurts those who do it, it hurts those who are exposed to it...it's so addictive, it changes how the brain works as all drugs do. It breaks my heart that there are some who I love and care about DEARLY continue this addiction, continue to kill themselves, put themselves and others in harms way. It's my heartfelt prayer that they'd quit and others that I know only in passing or even just pass by on the street. THEY deserve better and most of all our children deserve better than to be exposed to those toxins.

So there you go...day 18 and 19.

Blessings,

Day 17: Your Favorite Memory

2010-10-30T00:22:00.002+02:00

My favorite memory...easy: Jordyn's whole 2 years of life. From the first time I held her I was passionately in love with that little girl. I had never felt anything so powerful or fast. Even during my pregnancy with her I was intensley in love with her. When we moved to Germany, even night I would take her to her room and sit in the rocking chair and rock her until she fell asleep. She would play with my hair, and the warmth of her breath on my neck as I sang to her. I'd often sit there and just hold her for an hour or more after she fell asleep, listening and feeling her breath, the softness of her hair against my cheeks. When she'd been diagnosed with leukemia, cuddling with her and literally clinging to her and praying to our Lord to let her live. Getting to Walter Reed and her running up and down the hall ways, giggling and being full of joy. Being home with her and all her girliness of playing with her babies and kitchen and of course her Barbie Jeep. She did NOT like sand or dirt. There's not a memory with her that I don't cherish.

Day 16: Your First Kiss

2010-10-28T00:17:00.002+02:00

Day 16: Your First Kiss

Ok I'm so horrified by this one and have seriously been dreading this one. It was the summer between 1st and 2nd grade. Yes I'm serious. My family went on vacation that year to Wyoming. We spent the first part of the week with my dad's oldest sister (he's #5 out of 12 and she's the oldest of all of them). We spent an insane few days with her and her family seeing all that was in that area we went to see the Mount Rushmore, Devil's Tower, and so much more that my brain can't remember because one...it was so many years ago and 2 I was very young! Well the 2nd half of the week we went farther north to see family friends. While visiting them (they were old enough to be my grandparents) many of her children and grandchildren lived nearby so we spent a great deal of time with them. I think it was the first night there, and all of us kids went to the park. Rowdy was the little boys name, we were the same age I believe and if not he was only 1 year older. While we were there he kissed me. Not some little innocent peck either, but a big, open mouth, wet kiss. I remember not knowing if I actually liked it or not, but decided I was going to like it and let him kiss me all he wanted over the next few days and there was a lot of kissing. Who does that? What 6/7 yr old girl has business being kissed. I can remember we slept over at his house one night. I know we all slept out in a common room. He waited until his sisters and my brother were asleep and then he started kissing me again. I honestly don't even know where his mother was at that point, but I know eventually she came in and made Rowdy just go to his room and me feeling really happy that I could finally go to sleep. I don't think any of the adults had a clue, because it's definitely something my mother would throw in my face if she knew and she's never said a word about it. (Up until a few years ago she still would bring up my first crush, which to me just seemed rediculous...I was married and it was a school girl CRUSH, nothing more). Anyways....that was my first kiss. A little boy named Rowdy (who from what I was told a few years ago got into a lot of trouble, so I guess the name suited him or inspired him one or the other) was my first kiss, at a park in Wyoming. Thankful that at this point, neither of my boys have done that and I will not allow Emma that opportunity or any of our other children!

I am praying that by us raising our children in the Lord and knowing him they will not follow in my or Chad's foolish footsteps and will honor and value themselves far more than either of us did.

Tears and Judgement

2010-10-27T23:49:00.003+02:00

I am not ashamed to cry. I recognize and realize that tears are not a sign of weakness, but are cleansing and refreshing to the soul. They often open you up to more people as they see you're willing to show your emotional side. Last year it seemed every time I turned around someone was making a snide comment about my tears, although when I sat down and thought about it, my tears seemed to come less and less last year and since having Noah I can count on one hand how many times I've cried. I normally go through a dry spell from time to time a few times a year, but this has been I think the longest, where other than a couple times because of circumstances I'm not at a place I'm willing to talk about here, I've just not cried much. I will get teary eyed with Noah, and of course had the normal post partum tears after having Noah, but although there have been things that normally would set the tears off, lately even when I want and need to, I can't cry.

As I was reading my devotional tonight low and behold what is it about....tears. Let me share part of it with you:

Revelations 7:17 "For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd;he will lead them to springs of living water. And GOD will wipe away every tear from their eyes".
Look at your bible and the men, yes MEN in it. How many of them wept? David did, my goodness Psalms is full of his tears. Jacob wept and grieved at the death (or so he thought) of his beloved child, Joseph. And most importantly....JESUS WEPT. JESUS wept and cried out to the Lord.

I have held onto this hurt for the last year. I've felt bitterness towards a particular person last year, bitterness that turned a place/group/ministry that I LOVED/LOVE into something that I dreaded and nearly wanted no part of. What I am constantly learning and relearning is that we can tease via friendly teasing, but even that can get hurtful after a while. We have to guard our own hearts and for me I need to be sensitive to not out of sarcasim, teasing, jesting, etc cause pain to others because of something they do or don't do.

I honestly do struggle to understand those who have a hard time openly crying, because it is such a natural thing to me. But that's who they are. I have no right to judge them for it, to see it as a weakness (whether it is or isn't)...instead I just need to love them, be an encouraging friend, a soft place, and love them like Jesus. Let me tell you though...I suck at that. I sit here in my home, in my chair and I judge. I judge like no one's business. Who am I to do that? I, who's constantly concerned that others are judging her, that people are gossiping about her, or simply talking about her behind her back....so who am I to do it? I wish so much that GOD would just swipe those thoughts out of my head, that he'd slap his hand across my mouth, and then get right in my face and tell me to SHUT UP. My silent judgement has allowed me to put a wall up. I've cut myself off from allowing others to get too close. It hurts to have others make you feel like a part of your personality is this big flaw, that's to be made fun of. It hurts when you feel like when you walk into a room others are judging you because you cry easily, because you're the fat girl, or any other reason. It hurts to think people are talking about you behind your back because of any or all of those reasons as well.
I'm tired of worrying about what others think or are saying or not saying. I KNOW I only need to be concerned with what GOD thinks of me. I know I need to worry less about the opinions of others, and just simply be the woman GOD wants me to be. Why is that so difficult though? Why do we continue to listen to Satans lies? Why am I so self centered that I think what someone has said or written is a jab or simply directed to me? You know I've reread the previous sentence 5 times now and here's a simple truth...I'm simply not that important in others lives for them to talk about or write about me 99.9% of the time. It's really conceited of me to think otherwise. Wow, that was quite the revelation from GOD just now. I need to get over myself. Time to pull up my big girl panties and just let these issue's go, because they are most definitely my issue's and not others. Well then.....

Lord let me see myself in your eyes. Let me be the woman you desire for me to be. Let me be the wife and mother you have called for me to be and not be concerned or so self centered as to think that others are talking about me or even thinking enough about me to make it about me. Lord, let me live this life of mine to be all about you and not about me. It's not about me, it's all about you. I have to remind myself of that daily, Lord. Thank you for this clear reminder and good old slap in the face via my own fingers. Thank you, Lord.

Day 15: Your Dreams

2010-10-26T20:57:00.002+02:00

Day 15 is Your Dreams

I think this is more about aspirations and hopes and not about what I dream about at night, if so it'd be a short one liner of "I rarely if ever remember!" rather boring!
My dreams have changed over the years some in ways that I never even imagined. When I was a teenager I had my life mapped out as so many of us do. I was going to go to college, get my degree in Child Psychology, meet the man of my dreams, have the practice of my dreams, then have 3 children...a boy, a girl, and another boy, and of course we'd live happily ever after.
Well I found that child psych. was not what I wanted to do. I eventually met and married Chad and well 5 kids later :) . I honestly thought I'd travel and visit Europe but NEVER live here.
My dreams at this moment are: To one day see a CURE for childhood cancer. To see a way for childhood cancer to be prevented. I want to see a day where my husband doesn't have a deployment looming in his life every other year. I dream of continuing to teach my children at home, of them not only continuing their love for Jesus as children, but for them to continue their love and relationship with Christ as adults as well. I dream of having a solid and healthy relationship with my children as adults, and dream of Chad having one with them too.
I dream that Chad will retire from the Army in a few years and that he follows the calling that GOD is calling him to (becoming a Chaplain). I dream that I will be the woman GOD has called me to be, and not the one "I" want to be. (Two very different things some days).
I dream of holding all of my babies again in Heaven, never having fear or concern that another will be diagnosed with cancer, die a painful death, feel unspeakable pains and heartache.
I dream that one day I'll have at least a decent relationship with my parents (mostly my mother and my relationship is strained to say the least).

My greatest dream is to truly have a heart like Jesus. I can't tell you in written word how far it is from such a beautiful place, but it's so far and it grieves me so much. I want to love others like Jesus does. I want to see them as he does. I'm not sure that dream will come true until I get to Heaven, but I truly want it.

So with all these dreams the best thing I can do is give them to Jesus and let him do as he will with them. And pray,pray, pray.

In His Grace,

Day 14: What I wore today (again)

2010-10-25T18:59:00.002+02:00

Day 14 is What i wore....again and so soon. Again just a stupid one, but oh well. I've been sick all day. Some lovely stomach bug. Not sure who i caught it from, but it's here so i guess it doesn't matter. I'm just praying the kids and Chad do not get it.
So since I've been ill all day (well since last night actually) you can guess that I've stayed in my pj's all day. Nothing exciting that's for sure, but comfort is the key for the day.

2010-10-24T20:39:00.001+02:00

Hey I'm participating in a Military Spouse Blog Hop.....if you're a Mil. Spouse join in and if you're not, although you can't link up, you can still find some great new blogs!!!

oops missed Day 12: What's in your Bag

2010-10-24T20:20:00.002+02:00

Day 12: What's in your bag

Ha...I skipped this yesterday and went straight to day 13! Well joyfully I literally just switched bags out. I am only carrying one bag right now, the diaper bag. I have a wonderful friend who makes bags similar to Vera Bradley bags (similar, but not exact) and for a fraction of the cost! They were stationed in Korea after they left here a few years ago and she got all the same material for only a few dollars per yard vs over $10.00 a yard for the same material in the states!! Anyways, she's made me a few bags and made me Noah's diaper bag! I just washed it so I just started putting stuff in it again! Right now there are about 7 diapers, the small wipe case, my wallet, chapstick, and a pen. That's it! :) Nothing exciting and very light! (Now don't go asking me this question in a week, I am sure I'd have a load of junk in that list! LOL).

Day 13: This Week

2010-10-24T02:42:00.002+02:00

This week..I'll do my best! :)
Sunday: We went to church, went to the dining hall and had lunch, came home for a few, went to the chapel at 3 to work on AWANA stuff, then had AWANA from 4-5:30. Came home, had dinner, and relaxed.
Monday: The kids and I did school, played, we skipped sports time at the park with our homeschool group so the boys could finish up their school for the day. Jacob had cub scouts. I made stuffed shells for the single soldiers dinner that the Hospitality Host does once a month (and made our family stuffed shells as well). Dropped them off and when Chad got home we ran to the PX bought candy and bads for "Boo Bags" and the kids and I went and boo'd a few of their friends, since they'd been boo'd. We also bought candy to hand out on Halloween.
Tuesday: The boys did school, I had praise team practice, Noah turned 5 months old and sat upright without assistance (not from the laying position, but I sat him on the couch and he stayed sitting without falling over!). Noah had his Well baby check up, he weights 19 lbs 7 oz and is 25 1/2 inches long (yep he's a big boy). Ran a few errands after his apt, then home, made dinner. I feel like we did something that evening, but i can't remember for the life of me!!
Wednesday: I had PWOC, the boys did their school work during PWOC, came home made lunch, did some cleaning....I know I did some errands. Did not have evening PWOC which was nice break.
Thursday: School with the boys, cleaned, ran errands, and other things but I can't remember what. It's rather sad.
Friday: School in the morning, Homeschool PE after lunch, went to the commissary and a couple items I needed for what I was making to take to the Hospitality House. Came home and made dinner, we had a friends son over for a sleep over (he's good friends with Jacob), went to the Hospitalty House for our weekly small groups bible study and dinner.
Saturday: I got to sleep in...big time! :) Whoot-whoot! Got up, got dressed, had lunch, then we headed out and met with friends from the Hospitality House and went to a large Flea Market and found some good deals (a large wicker trunk that I'm going to use for throw blankets), an old world map (seriously awesome, although I plan to reframe it since its current frame is UGLY) and found a lazy susan that's huge and we only paid a few dollars for. After we were done we went to the post that was very close and got groceries (their commissary is only a little bigger than ours, but so much better!!!). Oh and we had dinner at Taco Bell since they have one and we do not. Came home, unloaded groceries and our finds, I nursed Noah and then we loaded back into the van and we headed to the Volks Fest (it's like a carnival).

There you have it. I know there are things I forgot that we did, but so is life! It's not always exciting, but it's ours!!

5 Months Old

2010-10-23T03:14:00.002+02:00

Noah's 5 months old!! It's amazing how quickly the last 5 months have gone by. I think that with each baby, but it's true. The time just flies (and it continues to fly no matter the age). Noah's a complete joy though. We've had a few bumps this last month. One night he decided that sleep was TOTALLY over-rated and didn't fall asleep until 6 AM! When Chad got up at 5 and left and sad how guilty he felt about leaving me knowing we hadn't slept, I burst into tears (they were short lived), and was thankful that he finally fell asleep and I was very thankful that my other kids slept in and then let me sleep (sort of) for another hour...yep they got to veg out in front of the tv vs starting on school first thing. I will say though, that's the beauty of home schooling, flexibility. I was not functional and had enough mind to tell them to watch a movie that would work for all 3 and please eat breakfast and be as quiet as possible.
Noah's also teething, or has been working on teething. Eventually those little buds will pop through. I'm in no rush! LOL
I'm still his very favorite person in the world! :) He lights up when he see's me. He leans towards me, lifts his arms, etc. He does really love his Daddy, brothers, and sister. He and Jack seem to click the best. Jackson can put him to sleep like no one else. Emma's so in love with him, it's rediculous, and Jacob has developed a very special bond with him as well. It's a beautiful thing to see your older children in love with their baby sibling. I honestly can't imagine only stopping with 2 or even 3 children, when I look at Noah and think of what a blessing he is to our family and how much I love him. We're so blessed that GOD has called our family to leave our family size in HIS hands!!!

With that...here's a few pictures. They're all from October. On his 5 month birthday he decided it was time that he would be a big boy and sit all alone. (Not sitting up from laying, but I sit him on the couch of floor and he stays sitting up without assistance!) Such a big boy and so exciting to see his newest milestone!

Day 11: What You Wore Today

2010-10-23T01:45:00.002+02:00

No picture......but what I wore today, personally I think this is pretty stupid for a getting to really know a person, but anyways! :)

I wore blue jeans, a purple top (short sleeve), my beautiful brown wool sweater that I got in Ireland at a wool shop (they make the wool right there, they had sheep just outside), my brown crocs and no socks (which was stupid since it was sooo stinking cold today), hair up in a pony tail.

Nothing exciting, just a pretty average day for me. I'm a blue jeans kind of girl. Of course at this point I'm already in my soft work out type pants and a tank top to sleep in.
Seriously dumbest one.

Day 10: Your Siblings

2010-10-21T22:33:00.003+02:00

(My handsome brother and his beautiful family)

I have a great brother. We're 1 yr and 2 weeks apart. Growing up we did NOT get along. We fought constantly. I can say I honestly did not like him very much when we were kids. The fights were vicious, yet I know we still had a lot of fun together did a lot of stupid things together. As we grew we became friends, slowly. Phil has a great sense of humor, he can make anyone laugh, and let me tell you he LOVES his family. He married his high school sweetheart and they have 2 of the most gorgeous little girls who ever walked this earth! (I'm not biased, it's just a fact!).
As a kid he was not exactly a great student, and I only share that with you because my parents worried he had a learning disability...yeah if you call being brillant a disability...no he was just lazy and didn't care. He managed to graduate high school and college was the last thing he wanted to do at that point and the last place he needed to be, so he joined the Army and served 3 years, matured a bit, got married. After he got out of the Army he worked at a few various places (always full time and always hard, manual labor type work). He decided he'd hate it and that he was going to work hard, and go to college and he has! He's working on his nursing degree right now, works at a hospital in their Cardiac Center (he was actually fought over between the Surgical dept. where he was working and the Cardiac Center...he made a great name for himself). He worked the long 12 hour shifts for a year or so and a few months ago when to the Cardiac Center, with a raise and nice hours of 8-5 with weekends and holidays off, all while working on his degree. He's taking a full time load of are you ready for this....17 hours (he's a little bit crazy!). And that's not it....both of his daughters are very active in sports so he coaches, he goes to every practice and game (his older daughter plays baseball well the season's over now, so she did 30 miles from home, so quite the drive).

I truly love my brother and I'm so proud of the man he's become and all that he'll be in the future. It breaks my heart that we're so far away from him and his family. But thank the Lord for technology!!!

Day 9 {Your Beliefs}

2010-10-15T00:49:00.003+02:00

Well if you've read my blog at all this will not come as a surprise....
My beliefs lie solely with Jesus Christ. I believe there is only ONE way to Heaven and that is through accepting that Jesus is the Son of GOD and accepting him as your savior. I believe that if you do not believe in the SON, you will NOT get to Heaven. No amount of GOOD works will get you to Heaven, it's all about the FAITH in the SON. I believe that many people I love and care about will not be joining me in Heaven and that's heart breaking and I'll continue to share The TRUTH (GOD's HOLY WORD) with them, but ultimately it's their choice and I can not be soley responsible for their decision and I am not responsible for their rejection of Christ. I think that those who blame others for not accepting Christ, for pushing them away from church, are only making excuses for not wanting to stop living in their sins, lazineness, and actual take responsibilty for their life now and for eternity.

I have some VERY strong feelings on this and honestly when I read a blog about people thinking works and karm and all that junk will allow them into Heaven, it makes me want to just slap them. I know not nice, but HONEST. I'm NOT perfect. I do still find myself sinning, but I REPENT, and try hard not to do it again (although there are times I do and again I repent). I believe it's very important to attend church as I believe as GOD tells us we're to surround ourselves with believers AND accountability. I don't believe that church must be done in a brick and mortar building though. I have met people who's church is at home and other fellow believers all gather there weekly and have their own church service. I believe that the Man/husband is the head of the household. I believe the wife is to be submissive (even though I still struggle with this, I KNOW it's the way it's supposed to be and I'd be blessed beyond measure if I'd only let go and do what GOD tells me to do).

I believe in the GRACE and forgiveness in Christ and know that without it I'd be lost. I know that I'm a sinner and that I'm forgiven. I am in AWE that he died for me and that he has forgiven me of all my ugly and nasty sins.

I believe my children will be miles (well they already are) ahead of me in their walk with Christ, because they're growing up knowing Him, having a relationship with HIM, and knowing the bible in general...I was not raised in a Christian home, and did not come to Jesus until I was 24 years old. I knew him, but wasn't living for him and hadn't completely given my life over to him.

I'm so thankful for my faith in Jesus Christ. I'm so thankful that all I truly have to do is accept his gift of salvation. That I don't "have" to do any works for him (although once you're living for Christ, good works do come naturally, but not required) to be saved. I am so very thankful that I know the ONE Truth, the ONE TRUE SAVIOR. JESUS CHRIST

Kurbis (Pumpkins)

2010-10-14T00:33:00.002+02:00

Day 8 {A Moment}

2010-10-14T00:04:00.002+02:00

A moment. The moment I became a mother. The moment that child who made me a mother was diagnosed with leukemia. The moment I watched chemo go into her little precious body. The moment we left Germany and headed to Walter Reed. The moment we were told she relapsed before her bone marrow transplant (bmt). The moment she went back into remission. The moment she recieved her new marrow. The moment she was released and we thought we were moving into the next phase of her life. The moment I was told she had relapsed. The moment we were told there was nothing left to do. The moment she left my arms for Jesus's. These are some of the most defining moments of my life and they all happened to me between the years of 21 to 23 for me. There are so many more moments in my life.

Day 7 {Your Best Friend}

2010-10-13T00:41:00.002+02:00

This is one that could go on forever, but I'll try to keep it short. Chad's my best friend. I'm blessed that I can say that about my husband. So many women seem to spend their days complaining about their husbands, bashing them, etc. I know I'm guilty of it myself. I'm guilty of being annoyed with him, venting about him, etc. It's something I've been working on very hard to stop. I'm working on appreciating him as my husband and being a GODLY wife to him.
Now as a woman I've been blessed with female best friends. I will start with Rebekah. She and I met shortly after our family arrived at Ft. Belvoir, well actually we were still living at the Ronald McDonald House waiting on housing, while Jordyn was being treated at Walter Reed. Her husband and Chad were in the same unit, and her and I hit it off immediately. At the time they only had their oldest son, S, he was 6 months younger than Jordyn. When Jordyn died she wept with me, she gave me space to mourn, but never let go of me. After we moved from Virginia we continued to stay in touch. For a while we drifted a little, but we always found ourselves reconnecting and grew closer. The last 3 years we have chatted online nearly every day, until that fateful day in August. Chad had his accident on a Sunday and Thursday morning around 1 AM, Rebekah went home to our Savior. She had been in the hospital to have her spleen removed in hopes of it putting her the ITP (platelett disorder) into remission. Wednesday surgery had been postponed because of her passing out that morning until Friday. Wednesday night though she started having trouble breathing and xrays showed multiple pulmonary embolisms. Treatment didn't work and she slipped into the arms of our Savior. My heart hurts, Thursday willl be 8 weeks since she left this earth and I still have a hard time believing she's really gone, that I'll never hear her voice again, see her words being typed in front of my face, no hugs again, etc. She was a dedicated mom, she'd fought for a marriage that her husband had walked out on years ago and had come to the decision that she was going to move on and live her life the best she could without him, was finishing up her degree. She was simply put...amazing. The greatest thing about her, her heart for Jesus. I'm so thankful that she knew Jesus and had a relationship with him, so reassuring to know where she's at.
My other best friend is Tami. We met 10 years ago when Jordyn died and her Sydney died. We met on an online support group for parents who'd lost a child who died from cancer. We instantly bonded, initially it was because of our common loss, but it grew so much stronger. We were both unexpectantly pregnant with boys, who are only 1 1/2 months apart. We met aprox 2 years after Jordyn and Sydney died, in person. She's one of the most amazing people I've ever met. She understands me unlike most people. I can tell her anything and know she's not going to judge me.
The last one would be Bobbie. She's my Army wife best friend. I've never had a friend like her. We're like sisters. So much alike, yet enough differences to keep it fun and interesting. Her son is the same age as Jacob and they were best friends and her daughter is 7 months older than Emma and they loved each other deeply. She moved 2 years ago and I can't even find the words to describe how much I miss her. I find myself still in tears from time to time wanting their family to be back here with us. We were together literally almost every day. Walking, working out together, making dinner together, sports for our kids, fun activities, going to the park, PWOC, Hospitality House, you name it we did it together. Sometimes I have to make myself not think about her, because the pit in my stomach just hurts too much.
I have many other near and dear friends and am so blessed by them.

Day 6 {Your Day}

2010-10-09T22:00:00.003+02:00

You'll understand the pictures once you've read the entry!

Well I got to sleep in this morning with Noah which was great. I got up at 10 AM *(see told you I slept in!!). Got up, checked email and facebook, nursed Noah, talked with the other kids, got Emma dressed. Did a couple other things (that I can't remember!) then decided that as much as I didn't want to had to figure out a costume to wear to the babyshower I was going to that said to dress up in a halloween costume! All of us attending are Christians, so no worries of being in something scary or anything. I wanted something fun and that I had around the house. I looked online and nothing and then I went to my closet and saw it....my Great Grandma's dress that she gave me. It was a classic grandma dress! So...I doned my grandma dress, put on some lovely blue eye shadow, and then I put baby powder in my hair! LOL The baby shower ended up being a blast and it was so fun to see everyone coming in all dressed up. We had a rocker, a girl from the 80's, the Virgin Mary (who's name is actually Mary and is actually pregnant, but with baby #3 lol), a house keeper, an authentic German in a dreidle, a fun (almost clown) lady, a rose bush and her dog was a bumble bee (rofl), a high schooler, and the momma to be was a pirate wench. We made bibs for the baby to be (which we don't know if it's a girl or a boy), bottle filled with m&m's that we had to guess how many, and then it was present time. Afterwards I came home and Chad was sorting through the stuff we have in our garage and he'd made great progress! Before we couldn't get into the garage without stretching over things into a small, narrow walkway, now there's a nice wide opening and a nice large walk way! (We're going back out tomorrow to work some more!) Emma got to go with one of Chad's soldiers downtown, she took her shopping and was going to get her nails done, but they ran out of time (so they're going on Monday lol). Jack was asked to spend the night at our neighbors and Emma was as well, so once she got home she ate and then went to the neighbors to spend the night. Jacob's having a friend spend the night here. Noah's passed out on Chad as I type this! It was a good day! :)

Day 5 {Your Definition of Love}

2010-10-09T21:57:00.002+02:00

I have read a lot of people find this one kind of hard to answer, but to me it's easy. I can sum it all up in one word: JESUS. You can not know what real love is, if you don't know Jesus and when you know him you can know what love is. His love for me is so deep he died for me. As a mother I would die for my children, if I could have traded places with Jordyn I would have. If I could have taken 1 second of pain from her, I would have. I know that without Jesus I could never know what love truly is. How thankful I am to know my Savior, to have a relationship with him, to have his love.

Day 4

2010-10-09T21:52:00.002+02:00

So I got a little behind! ;) I'm going to do a few days today, but in seperate entries.

Day 4 is what did I eat today. Ok seriously this is probably the dumbest question for this sort of thing, but I'll play along! :)

I didn't get up until late (love cosleeping) so I didn't end up having breakfast. I had a baby shower at 1 so I waited to eat until there. I had pigs in a blanket, fresh veggies, meatballs in bbq sauce (mmmm), and spice cake cupcakes with cream cheese frosting ( mmmm....mmmmm). For dinner we had chicken and mac n cheese.

Day 3.....My Parents

2010-10-05T14:34:00.003+02:00

My parents. Well they're still married (I know rare) and have been for 34 years. They met via my mom's step-cousin who was my dad's best friend. J took my dad over to my mom's house and that's when they met. They dated in high school and the year my mom graduated they were married that November. I came a little over a year later and my brother was the following year.

My dad is ultimately a laid back man. He's worked hard his whole life providing. My mom is a woman who has very low self esteem (thanks to a very unkind step-mother, her biological mom died when she was only 2)...the damage that woman did left is a life long effect. I don't have a good relationship with my mother, which in turn makes not a fabulous one with my dad either. I love them, but my boundaries with them are VERY,VERY,VERY HIGH and contact with them is extremely limited.

Day 2-First Love

2010-10-03T23:44:00.002+02:00

Wahoo...I'm doing day 2!! :)

My first love wow...well I think now looking back I had a lot more infatuations and really,really like vs love. I'd say my first true honest to goodness LOVE wasn't until I was in college (but hanging my head down very low thinking of all the boys I "thought" I loved and how easily I tossed that word around). The first love would be Mike Shirley. He and I met through a friend and his co-worker. Mike was in the Army. We dated for aprox a year. He was ultimately a good guy, but we just were not meant to be by any means and I ultimately was the one who broke up with him. . The relationship ran its toll. We both thought we were going to end up getting married even. We talked about it often, and he was the first to bring it up. I'm truly so grateful that we did not make that mistake.
The last I heard, he got out of the Army and married a girl who had a toddler. She lived in Kansas and he was from Oregan and I can't imagine they are in Ks if they're still married, because he deseperately wanted to go back to Oregan when we were together.
Wow, I hadn't thought about him in a very long time!!

30 Days of Me

2010-10-03T01:44:00.002+02:00

Well, I've watched as others have done it and I'm going to do it too! :)
Thirty Days of me. Hopefully I can do 30 straight days of me, but if not...oh well the world won't end! :)

Day 1 Introduce Yourself....

Well....I'm Christy. First things first is that I'm a CHRISTIAN. Next I'm a Wife to Chad. Third I'm a Mom to: Jordyn who was dx with AML leukemia 6 days before her 1st birthday and 14 months later went home to Jesus. I'm also Mom to Jacob, Jackson, Emma, and Noah. I live in Germany (my hubby's in the Army) and have for the last 5 years and love it and honestly if we could afford to retire and stay here I would, but well it's expensive to live here without the support of the Army, so I don't see that happening, unless GOD calls for bigger things than what I see so far! (I wouldn't be against it that's for sure).

I was born and raised for the most part in Kansas. I LOVE and mean LOVE Wheat fields, especially in the evening as the wind picks up just slightly and starts blowing the wheat, there's just something so peaceful about it.

As a kid my dad was laid off of work and he did what he had to, my parents bought a travel trailer and he worked building railroad tracks in Wisconsin, Illinois, and Iowa. He also worked out in the oil fields, which we lived in Texas and Oklahoma. Both jobs required a lot of moving. I went to 5 schools for kindergarten. My 5th was back in KS because my mom saw how hard it was on me to be moving every couple of months. She told my dad that she was not leaving him, but was moving home to Kansas. Well, my dad quit and we all moved back to Kansas as a family.

I'm the oldest of 2. I have a brother who's a year younger than me. As kids we fought constantly. I honestly couldn't stand my brother for most of my childhood. Once in high school I started to appreciate him and see him as a good guy. After high school we became friends and now I can say that I am so proud of him, love him, and just think he's an awesome guy all around. He's a devoted husband and dad to my beautiful 2 nieces. He works full time at a Cardiac Center as well as going to school full time (taking 17 hours right now), to be a trauma nurse and then he'd like to go on in his schooling and become an anestisiologist (sorry if I mispelled).

I'm a Stay at home, homeschooling mom. I love it. I'm thankful GOD has called me into this calling, this job (and it IS a job), this passion.

2010-09-26T23:53:00.002+02:00

With in the Army life (and military in general) you step up when a fellow Army wife is in need or their family in general. This past week a sister/friend needed support. Her husband had to go to Walter Reed for issue's he's dealing with (please pray that more answers come out from this trip) and as if that wasn't stressful enough, their youngest daughter was hospitalized. My sweet friend T won't leave her sweet girl M and there for wasn't eating much, and when you're pg and have Type 2 diabetes that's not a good combination, and well American's and German dinners well...it leaves a lot to be desired, unless you like having some bread (not always brotchen), some of their cold cuts (which to me is YUCK), and maybe if you're lucky soup and/or a salad (normally pretty good). So once I found out she was in the hospital I got other wives lined up and we've had dinner brought up to her every day since, and on Friday Chad took her lunch and dinner. Her other two kiddo's were staying with her best friend, but her son who's Jacob's age asked to spend the weekend with us, so N has been with us since Friday after he got out of school. He has school tomorrow so Chad will make sure he gets there and our weekend of an extra kiddo will be over. I've loved having him. He's a great boy and him and Jacob are pretty well best friends. This is what you do for a friend. You help them when they need it, especially when they are too stubborn to ask for help or don't realize they have help out there. Honestly we were very blessed while Chad was in the hospital last month through the various meals people brought us and can't imagine what I'd have done if friends hadn't blessed us that way. Money was being spent on gas, since in general our gas budget is set VERY low and when I set our budget I had no idea it'd be blown out of the water after 2 days, I then used up our grocery money after a few more days of driving back and forth, so having limited groceries in the house as it was, and not getting home until late....we were looking at having pb&j until the next payday had I not humbled myself and told a friend we needed help in that area. Let me just say my kids have a lot to be thankful for (especially Jacob since he's not a fan of pb&j...me on the otherhand am in a big kick for them "could" eat them daily....I don't but on yum!)...so anyways it's just a blessing that we can help others after being helped so much.

On other news...Chad returns to work in the morning. Say a prayer for all of us if you would as we adjust. I'm praying he stays on top of his pain meds. I know he can and will make it through his work days, I just know it'll be an adjustment for him and for the kids and I as well. He's been home for a little over 4 1/2 weeks. I'll start schooling the boys full time (Chad has been doing school the majority of the time with them since they started earlier this month) and juggling Emma and Noah. I'll be pulling out some preschool books I have for Emma to do while the boys are working on their school work, hopefully it'll keep her busy for a bit of a time at least.

God's Blessings

2010-09-23T23:17:00.002+02:00

We have professional photo's done a couple weeks ago. Noah's 3 months, Emma's 3 years, Jack's 7 year and then we did all 4 of the kids and a family photo. Always missing one, but thankful for the blessings GOD has given us.

Eyes wide open

2010-09-21T23:30:00.005+02:00

How many of you have found that in so many ways you're outspoken in life, that you always have things to talk about with others, but there's that one friend who no matter the reason they call it all turns back to them? When they call to comfort you, share in your joy, see how you are...that somehow and for some reason it all turns back to them and they do 99% of the talking, while you sit there wondering if they even realize it. Now with most people I'd speak up, but with one I find I can't. I know it sounds rediculous. I never have a problem speaking my mind, speaking up for myself, etc...yet this one person I find myself hanging up the phone and thinking "wow, I bet out of that 20 minutes I spoke 2 minutes, maybe."
I've recently discovered, that this friendship just doesn't seem important and that as much as I want this person to simply care about me and our friendship, I really don't think they do. It hurts, it makes me sad. I just recently lost one of my dearest friends, unexpectantly. She's in Heaven now. To lose another in another form makes my heart that much heavier.

I know my posts lately have been a big pile of "poor poor pitiful me", bare with me. I really will start writing and stop whining.

On good news. Chad's doing well. He's slowly healing. He's been doing physical therapy for a couple of weeks now. He also saw the MTBI clinic today. He'd been having some dizziness and had been getting light headed. They are working with him and he'll have another apt on Friday and they believe they'll have everything fixed. It at least seems to be a simple fix. Ironically the MTBI person is also his physical therapist, so he knows her and she knows what he's been through, so today when he went into the clinic she was able to just get to work and didn't have to know his back story! I am not sure how things are going to go for him when he returns to work. He tires out quickly, he still has a good amount of pain. He's still on heavy pain meds and when he doesn't take them on time is in extreme pain. Please be in prayer for him. While he's been home he's been helping with the boys schooling. It's been truly a blessing to have a little bit longer of a break for me, as I'm handling Noah and Emma and everything else that goes along with an infant and toddler and homeschooling. Of course he does things differently so I've had to work hard not to say anything, be critical, etc. I've tried hard to just be supportive and grateful.

I'm off. I'm doing 2 bible studies right now. Craziness I know. I have to still do my homework for tomorrow morning's class and tomorrow will have to do the homework for tomorrow evening! Nothing like putting it off to the last minute. I will say that I feel like I've not really had time and everytime I've gone to do it, it seems like Noah needs me or I simply can't stay awake to get it done! Of course often I find facebook calling my name! :X I'm thinking it's time to take a facebook break. No not giving it up, just limiting myself more than I have been.

God Bless and thank you for the continued prayers.

Heavy Heart for Childhood Cancer

2010-09-14T04:14:00.002+02:00

WOW, what else do you say to about a person who actually thinks that childhood cancer shouldn't get the funding that they're getting. WOW to someone who calls themselves a Christian, but has no problem having Children dying from a harsh, cruel, horrible disease. Wow to a person who tries to justify their ugly and disgusting words. Wow that this person is a mother to a young child. Who took the Childhood Cancer Ribbon that's on my page and displayed it on HER blog, and thinks that the less than 5% of all funding that the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society give to Childhood Cancer Research is good enough.
Honestly it makes me sick to my stomach. It infuriates me. It breaks my heart. It literally makes me throw up. My heart is racing out of ANGER towards this person. HOW, I mean HOW does one justify this to themselves? How does one look at their child, knowing so many kids are DYING because of CANCER right now? HOW does one look at her child knowing 46 kids were diagnosed with cancer TODAY? HOW?
GOD willing, she'll never know all the hatred she's spilled out tonight. GOD willing she'll never know the deafening words "Your child has cancer". GOD willing she'll never hear "There's nothing more we can do" GOD willing she'll never sign a DNR for her child, never pick out a casket or urn for her child, a headstone for her a child, she'll never know the animal like sounds that a mother makes as her child takes her/his last breath. She'll never know the heart ache, the weeping, the begging she'd do with GOD as he welcomed her child HOME to Heaven. She'll never have those heart breaking questions "what if we'd done this, instead of this, etc". GOD willing she'll never know. I don't want her to know. I don't want another single mother to know the horrible reality I live. I don't want another mother to know the heartache of holding her child with no life left in her, in her arms. I don't want her to know the "peace" of knowing her child's in Heaven and that she'd never want her to come back, but she'd sure love to simply have her here healthy with a long life ahead of her. No, even in my hurt and confusion...I don't wish my knowledge on her....I just pray she'll understand her hurtful words and thoughts and see that although losing a grandparent to cancer is hard, losing a child to cancer is nearly unspeakable. We expect to bury our grandparents and our parents and even our spouse....we NEVER expect to bury our child.

If YOU want to see an end to Childhood Cancer. If YOU want more research done. If you want to find less toxic treatments for kids with cancer.....you can donate to: www.curesearch.com
You can get involved with www.stbaldricks.org (either become a shavee, put on an event in your area, or simply support a shavee).

Understand that if you're support American Cancer Societ/ACS that less than 4% of their over Billion dollar revenue is generated towards childhood cancer. That less than 5% of Leukemia & Lymphoma Society's over 72 Million in revenue is delegated towards Childhood Cancer. Both USE children for their advertisement, because they KNOW Sick Kids bring in money. They know MOST people want to help kids with cancer.....but they don't want to actually help END Childhood Cancer (if they did, they'd be giving a lot more than their measely less than 4 and 5%).

My heart is so heavy tonight. I may struggle to pray for the mother I spoke of above, but I'll pray for her none the less. Please if the rest of you feel the way she does, just don't tell me. It's so heartbreaking to think people actually just don't think kids deserve a chance to beat cancer.

still here

2010-09-10T00:22:00.002+02:00

I'm sorry I haven't written lately. I've tried and just haven't been able to publish them for this reason or that. Chad's healing. He's still on leave until the end of the month, he's doing physical therapy now. He's helping with school (we homeschool) and right now he's doing the majority of it with the kids, it's been great for all of them as he see's what it's like for me and the boys are getting this one on one and one on two attention from him in this area.

I'm honestly still digesting with Rebekah being gone. My heart is hurting and my head is still just trying to grasp that she's really gone, it does not seem real. My heart is just so heavy over her death. I know she's happy and healthy and in Heaven now. I just miss her so much. I told her everything...the heaviness on my heart to the light, silliness of how many loads of laundry I got done that particular day. Oh I miss her so much. I chatted with her every night, and now nothing. I just miss her. My heart hurts. I long to see her pop online and start chatting. Her phone is still signed on to aol and it takes everything in my being not to write to her. Convincing myself not to takes nearly all my strength.

Noah's growing. He's a big boy, 3 months old...so happy. He's laughing and smiling all the time. I am sure he's going to be rolling far too soon. Emma's great, she loves Noah, yet longs to be the constant center of attention. Jack is finally getting over his excessive whining (Praise Jesus), and Jacob's attitude is getting much better.

I hope this weekend to give a decent blog post.

God Bless

2010-09-03T01:45:00.003+02:00

September is Childhood Cancer Awareness Month...here's some hard facts for you:

Over 12,400 children (in the United States) are diagnosed with cancer each year. That's a classroom full of children every single day, year after year
Currently, one in every 330 children in the United States develops cancer before the age of nineteen. The incidence of cancer among children is increasing. Each school day, enough children are diagnosed with childhood cancer to empty two classrooms! (*NCCF)
About 4,000 children die from cancer each year. That's 11 children every single day, every single year.
When a child is diagnosed with cancer, the entire family is affected.
Treatment is often lengthy, and always time-consuming. Some diagnoses are treated outpatient for over three years; others require lengthy inpatient stays.
Siblings of children with cancer face an entire set of emotional challenges, from wondering if they are to blame for their sibling's diagnosis, to feelings of jealousy for all the attention and gifts the child with cancer is receiving, to feeling abandoned by their parents as the parents (necessarily and expectedly) focus their time and energy on the child in treatment.
Cancer is NOT contagious.
Support (emotional, physical, maybe even financial) of the family IS contagious -- and very much needed from everyone -- from friends to neighbors to entire communities. When you know a child who is diagnosed with cancer, be the first one to offer support -- others will follow.
Cancer is the #1 disease-related killer of children under the age of 14 years, next to accidents. Childhood cancers are mostly those of the white blood cells (leukemia's), brain, bone, the lymphatic system and tumors of the muscles, kidneys and nervous system. Each of these behaves differently. Cancers in very young children are highly aggressive and behave unlike malignant disease seen at other times of life. The median age for childhood cancer is six. Children frequently have a more advanced stage of cancer when they are first diagnosed. 80% of children show that cancer has spread to distant sites in the body when the disease is first diagnosed.Although it is unlikely that your child will develop cancer, as a parent, you need to be aware of the symptoms of childhood cancer. Observe your child for any sudden, persistent changes in health or behavior as listed on the Signs of Childhood Cancer page. Since most of the symptoms of cancer can also be attributed to benign conditions, the diagnosis of cancer can be a long process. You must trust your own instinct and work as a team with your doctor, using your knowledge of your child and your doctor's knowledge of medicine to protect your child's health.

Gold Ribbons for Childhood Cancer info@goldribbons.com

If you don't know, our oldest daughter (the slide show is her, our beautiful Jordyn) died from AML leukemia. My prayer is that in my lifetime childhood cancer will be erradicated. One day no other parent will hear those 4 life changing words :Your child has cancer. One day I pray no parent will hear "We're sorry, but there's nothing left to do." There's nothing harder than watching your child go through chemotherapy, total body irradiation, a bone marrow transplant, and then relapse and have no more options.

I urge you to do something. Help fight childhood cancer. You can. Get involved:

www.stbaldricks.org

www.curesearch.com

www.alexslemonade.org

Those are 3 of our personal favorites. Please also take note that The American Cancer Society, gives only 1 to 4% of their total budget to childhood cancer research, but they use children as their advertisement and put up a face that they actually give a great amount. In My Opinion...they USE children's beautiful bald, round faces to get more money in. I do NOT support them, will not give any of our money to them. If you want to support ACS, just know the facts and do your research to find out where your hard earned money is going to.

God's Blessings

Shape of you

2010-08-30T21:33:00.000+02:00

I admit it I watched the Emmy's tonight, but in my defense there was nothing else on and I've had a yuck sort of a day and needed to watch something truly mindless (and we all know that's what the Emmy's is...mindless). Anyways, Jewel sang this song she wrote about her friend who died from cancer and wow it just grabbed my heart. I made me instantly think of Jordyn and my beautiful friend Rebekah.

Miracles

2010-08-27T23:47:00.003+02:00

Chad's been home since Wednesday and although he's got a long road ahead of him as far as recovery goes, he's home and we feel so blessed for that gift. Our life is so full of blessings, even in the storms that cross through our life. I have my husband who's alive and walking and that's a miracle. Everyone who has seen the humvee he was in have all said the same thing...."I don't know how you guys made it out of that thing alive". It's pretty well flattened. The driver crawled out a little bruised and cut, and with a minor concussion. Chad crawled out of there with a broken bone, torn vertabrae, and fractured sternum. The surgeon told him that had he been a smaller guy his back would have been broken and he'd be paralyzed. You see, he's a miracle...a walking miracle and I feel so blessed that he's still here with me.

Tomorrow my sweet Jackson will be turning 7 years old. How quickly the years are going. He's a lot like me in many ways. He wears his heart on his sleeve. He can be shy, yet he's outgoing. He loves to sing (and write his own songs). His heart is with Jesus so completely, although he doesn't feel like he's ready to be baptised (he is oh he so is!). He used to roll his "t's" yes you read that right..his "t's" LOL I just love it, he doesn't do it now unless asked. He will say "I love you" anytime and doesn't get embarrassed or shy about that! He loves fully and completely. He does not like to play soccer (lol). He embarrasses easily. He's Jackson....and he owns my heart.

Still Breathing

2010-08-25T00:24:00.002+02:00

I breathe in, I breathe out, and drop to my knee's and pray. That's been my last week and a half. To think it all started with a phone call from Chad telling me in was in a horrible wreck that we soon discovered was pretty amazing he survived, much less got out of and was walking. Then to find out it was a miracle that he didn't become paralyzed by walking after the accident because of a torn 8th vertabrae. GOD has shown us miracles with Chad. He's coming home today (it's after midnight in Germany, so he's coming home TODAY!!!). To think that a week ago he had surgery and I sat here praying and waiting for word that all went well. He came out of surgery so loopy that I couldn't help but laugh at him. I came home and after getting the kids to bed, got online and chatted with my friend Rebekah who was in the hospital for surgery to have her spleen removed in hopes of it putting her into remission against ITP, only surgery never happened, instead she went that night and met face to face our Lord, Jesus.

The last week and a half seems so surreal. Did this all really happen to our family and to one of my dearest friends and her family? How can this be? I know all of this was determined by GOD, that our father's hand was in every part and I know that it's for his GLORY, every single part of it. I can absolutely praise him for Chad's outcome and have and will continue to. I praise GOD that Rebekah is no longer in pain, but praying for us left behind. Her beautiful 2 sons, her sister, brother, niece and nephew, her parents, her estranged husband who's now left to raise two boys who has been recently rebuilding a relationship with them in the last few months. I don't understand the why's of our Lord taking Bekah home, but I know it's for his Glory and I'm trying so very hard to simply praise him for it, vs continuing to ask why.

Tomorrow as our family celebrates Chad's return home, Rebekah's boys will be preparing for her funeal and saying goodbye to their Momma. Please be in prayer for her boys. Her dad and brother are there with them, and then on Friday her body will be sent to NC where her parents live, where she grew up and next week they'll have a funeral there for their family, friends, and bury her there. My heart is heavy and aching. I miss my friend so much. My nights will never feel complete without chatting with her, saying goodnight, and I love you to her. I'm so thankful that the last words I typed to her was "I love you". She knew how I felt about her and the last words she typed to me were "I love you" and I know how much she cared about me. I was blessed to have had her friendship for the last 11 1/2 years. I'm blessed to know that her faith was with Jesus and that she's in Heaven.

Blessed Assurance

Blessèd assurance, Jesus is mine!

O what a foretaste of glory divine!

Heir of salvation, purchase of God,

Born of His Spirit, washed in His blood.

Refrain

This is my story, this is my song,

Praising my Savior, all the day long;

This is my story, this is my song,

Praising my Savior, all the day long.

Perfect submission, perfect delight,

Visions of rapture now burst on my sight;

Angels descending bring from above

Echoes of mercy, whispers of love.

Refrain

Perfect submission, all is at rest

I in my Savior am happy and blest,

Watching and waiting, looking above,

Filled with His goodness, lost in His love.

Refrain

I Don't Want This

2010-08-20T00:16:00.002+02:00

This has been the 2nd worst week of my life and I want it to stop, to be a nightmare and I'm ready to wake up....oh please let me wake up. First Chad in his horrible accident (who's had surgery, it went well, and he's slowly starting on the road to recovery) to finding out that this morning one of my best friends, someone who I chat with nearly every single day, has died. My dear sweet friend Rebekah had been battling ITP, which is a platelett disease. She did chemo for 8 weeks and it did not work, so they decided she'd have her spleen removed. She was admitted Monday for testing, surgery was scheduled for Wednesday. She passed out Wednesday morning, and they did a CT Scan which showed up clear. They rescheduled her surgery for Friday. Last night she started having trouble breathing, so they did a XRay and found she had multiple pulmonary embolisms. They immediately started her on a drug to treat them, she coded and after trying to get her back they were not able to. This just does not feel real. I mean how could it? How could she just been gone like that? No time to say goodbye. I told her goodnight and that I loved her last night as we ended our conversation, she's not supposed to be gone.
She was a Christian and I believe she's with Jesus. I'm selfish. I want her back, not in Heaven yet. She has two little boys still to raise. She has a degree to finish. I wanted to see her again. Oh I want this to not be real.
I love her and I miss her. She was an amazing woman. A woman who's faith and trust was in Jesus Christ. Who did everything she could for her children. Who had dreams and goals and was going against all odds to make them come true.

I never dreamed she'd be gone so young, so quickly. She's not even been gone 24 hours and I miss her so much.

Update on Chad

2010-08-17T02:08:00.002+02:00

Today's update:

Chad had a MRI this morning and it showed that the 11th vertabrae is fine, but his 8th is torn. On Wednesday he'll have surgery on his shoulder and on his back to fix the vertabrae. His sternum will heal on its own. His pain is being managed better today, with thanks to some good drugs and an AWESOME GOD. The surgeon said he will be walking on Thursday and should be going on early next week.

We do absolutely know who the ultimate healer is and have been praising him through all of it and will continue to praise him. I could have easily lost my husband in this accident and those who have seen the humvee since the accident are not sure how him and his driver even got out of it because it's pretty well flattened, and that was after just one flip and going aprox 25 mph. This could have been much worse, but we praise JESUS for her mercies and protections.

The other soldier was released from the hospital. I do not have any other info yet other than he'd suffered a concussion. We're hoping to talk to him tomorrow to just check and see how he's doing and make sure he knows we are not blaming him. It was an accident and we know he obviously never intended this and do not want him ate up with guilt over this. We know GOD knew this would happen and his mercies were on them both. They easily could have met our Savior.

I will update either Wednesday or Thursday on how his surgery went. Please be in prayer for continued healing and pain management and for Chad's surgeon on Wednesday as he performs Chad's surgery.

In Christ Alone

My Husband was in a Serious Accident

2010-08-16T00:26:00.002+02:00

Please be in prayer for my husband. He was in a serious accident last night. The humvee he was a passenger in flipped and rolled. Chad's clavicle bone (shoulder) is broken. His sternum is fractured, and they believe his 8th and 11th vertabrae's are fractured. He's in a great deal of pain. He is scheduled for surgery tomorrow to place a rod in his shoulder. He's supposed to have a MRI on his back and hopefully they'll be able to determine if the vertabrae's are indeed fractured or not. I am not sure what the plan is for her sternum. He was out in the field, which is a little over an hour away from the Army post we're stationed at, so he's at a hospital a little over an hour away. Not sure how long they expect he'll have to stay. If it's longer than a week, I'm going to request that he be moved to our local hospital.

I will do my best to update on here when I can. Thank you ahead of time for any and all prayers.

The soldier driving (and only other one in the humvee) as far as we know has a concusion. He was sent to a different hospital that deals with head trauma's. Please be in prayer for him as well.

Loneliness

2010-08-12T01:15:00.002+02:00

Loneliness is a funny thing. Even when you are surrounded by people, even when you talk to friends daily...there can still be a deep in the heart loneliness. People probably don't know how deep this is inside of me. I don't know who else is feeling such deep loneliness, you're in my prayers because I know how much it hurts.

I'm lonely.

Willow Tree Giveaway

2010-08-04T21:36:00.002+02:00

Kathryn over at Singing in the Rain
is doing a give away of the above Willow Tree Figurine. Now granted I hope I win her, but it's always fun to have others join in. Plus Kathryn has a fabulous blog and she's a brand new 1st time Momma to beautiful Adam!

2010-08-04T00:58:00.002+02:00

Our Sweet Emma Grace turned 3 today (well it's after midnight in Germany so I should say yesterday). She had a fabulous day...started off with her favorite Dora and cinnimon pancakes, dropping Jacob off for play practice, home and I made her birthday cake (she requested Strawberry and I used a cream cheese icing so I could at least eat a little without gagging...I don't like icing). After lunch (I made one of our favorite pizza's....Chicken,Bacon, tomatoe, ranch pizza...it's yummy and easy to make!) we had cake and ice cream, and then she opened her presents. I can't believe my girl is 3 years old. I've never had a little girl turn 3, Jordyn was only 2 when she went to Heaven, so we've entered unchartered territory. Sure the boys have been 3, but anyone who has boys and girls, you know there are MAJOR differences, so I'm praying for a gentle transition for her!

Here's a little slide show from last night and today....

Happy Birthday Emma Grace, Mommy loves you and thank GOD he allowed you to grow in my womb, in my heart, and in my arms. You are such an amazing blessing. You keep me and the rest of our family (and even friends) on our toes. You call yourself a Princess, because you are a princess. You're OUR PRINCESS and we adore you.

Happy Birthday,

Noah 10 weeks

2010-07-30T01:55:00.002+02:00

Noah's 10 weeks old now! He's smiling daily, multiple times a day, will laugh, is staying awake for longer periods of time, and just brings me so much joy. Jacob is holding him more and more, Jack's still in love with his mini-me, Emma is so in love with him she can't stand it. I'm so blessed I don't know what to do with myself.

No Sweeter Name....

2010-07-25T22:49:00.003+02:00

This is one of my FAVORITE Praise songs. Simple, pure, and so true. There is NO sweeter name than the name of our Savior...Jesus.

Kari Jobe wrote and sings it:

No sweeter name than the Name of Jesus,
No sweeter name have I ever known
No sweeter name than the name of Jesus.

You are the Life to my heart and my soul
You are the Light to the darkness around me
You are the Hope to the hopeless and broken
You are the only Truth and the Way

Jesus, Jesus

Overwhelmed by Love

2010-07-24T15:03:00.006+02:00

Sweet Noah James

Noah and Proud Big sister Emma

Hammy Jackson

Jacob

Emma Grace

All you Momma's out there I think will understand this statement: "Overwhelmed by love" for my little ones. Carrying Noah from my bedroom to the livingroom I felt the emotions all lumped up in my throat and the tears about to burst from my eyes and all I could think of was "Thank you Lord for this little boy. I just love him so very much." I learned when I became a Momma 12 years ago with Jordyn that the love I felt for her was more than anything I'd ever held inside my heart and it often was just bursting outside of me, so beyond my control that I let go of any control I "thought" I had to begin with and let the love burst forth. After she died, I honestly never thought I'd be able to love like that again. I still loved Chad, but as wives and mothers we all know the love we have for our husband's is just as deep (as it should be, if not, even MORE) but it's DIFFERENT (different is a good thing). So there I was full of honest to goodness FEAR that I would not be able to love Jacob throughout my pregnancy. I was seriously stunned when that overwhelming love came bursting out of me for Jacob when I heard his cries and saw his beautiful face for the first time, along with a wave of relief that I indeed was able to love another child that GOD had blessed our family with. The shock wasn't so stunning when Jackson came along, and I was ready for it with Emma, and I was anticipating it with Noah. It just comes, because LOVE comes from Jesus and since these babies are nothing less than a gift from GOD....love is not an option. Still there are those moments where it's just such a fresh, powerhouse that it overtakes me.

Heart Truths

2010-07-22T01:11:00.004+02:00

This evening Chad and I were talking about the dvd series that PWOC is doing this summer. The study is by Ken Ham: Answers in Genesis. I honestly love it. It's deep, it makes you think, and from everything I've listened to it's sound, biblical truths. He takes the bible literally (so do I) and then shows how doing anything but is incorrect! Today I got my tush handed to me and also got me to thinking about Chad and his role in our family.
I've written before about submission, ok I've written about it a few times. You see it's a HUGE and I mean HUGE struggle for me. I know, I KNOW it's a blessing. It's a huge, huge, huge blessing to be submissive to my husband. Sadly I can count on ONE hand how many times I've successfully be a submissive wife in the last 13 years of marriage. You see as much as I know it'll be a blessing to me, as much as I KNOW GOD demands it of me, as much as I know Chad deserves it from me...it goes against everything that's ingrained in me. I honestly don't know a lot of women from my generation who don't struggle with it (if you don't, and are successful....seriously I want to hear from you and pick your brain!!!).
So today Mr. Ham was speaking of how men are to be the head of the household. I KNOW this, but I often don't "allow" it. Why? Why do I take on that burden? Why do I not want that blessing for my husband? Why don't I bless my family? Because although I don't view myself this way, when it gets down to it, when I am really, really, really honest...you know that ugly honest that you don't like to face about yourself?? When I'm THAT honest...I want to be the one in control. I want everyone to submit to me. Don't gasp, ok go ahead...it's ugly, but honest.

So I told Chad how I think it is really important that he be the true head of our household. How Dr. Ham said that it's important that it's the Dad's who are the biblical leaders of the family...leading family devotion times, reading the bible outloud to our kids, teaching them...being their biggest influence, yes even bigger than Mom. He covered so much that convicted me, that made me dig deeper, and be really honest with myself. I truly want all these things, and yet I don't do it. Being honest and tearful with Chad and sharing with him this desire of my heart and having to humble myself before my husband and telling him that I've been wrong and I have disobeyed GOD and him for not submitting to him. I asked him to help, and asked him to please step up. I also realize our family deals with a different set of circumstances...where every other year I have to step into Chad's place literally and be both Mom and Dad is so many ways, because he deploys every other year. Here's the thing though, he can and should remain the head of our household even when deployed. It actually just this second dawned on me, the boys have a year devotional, well they both got one (it's the exact same) so I'm going to have Chad take one copy with him and when he's able to call or Skype or have a VTC, I'm going to ask him to read that day's devotional and talk with the kids about it. Ok I just got super excited over that!! LOL

So pray for me and with me. That I will be a Godly submissive wife. That Chad will be a Godly Head of the Household husband and father. That I will be a submissive Mom. I don't mean that I will submit to my children, but that my children will see me as their Dad's helpmate. That I will be a Godly example to my son's, of how a wife is to be, and to my daughter(s) of what a wife is to be. It's truly my hearts desire, pray that I'll step up to this challenge, no...no...not challenge. Pray that I'll step up to this BLESSING.

Noah's 2 months

2010-07-21T00:26:00.005+02:00

Noah 2 months old on a walk

My sweet Noah smiling the day before turning 2 months old

We go in tomorrow for his 2 month well child check up. I can't believe he's 2 months old already, it seems like I just had him. Of course it's amazing to me that Emma's almost 3, that Jack's almost 7, or that Jacob's 9 1/2. Even more that if Jordyn were alive she'd be 12 yers old. It's amazing to me how fast the years have gone. I want time to slow down just a little....I've had it stop and that stinks, but to slow down and let the days, weeks, months, and years not fly by so quickly would be nice.

We're trying our best to soak up every moment of family time in as we can, since we're facing Deployment #6 in a few months. Here we go again.

in the quietness

2010-07-12T15:32:00.003+02:00

I hear the rocking of Noah's swing as he sleeps in it peacefully (can I tell you how HUGE that is? He's 7 weeks old and in the last week he's decided he'll tolerate not being in my arms for the swing from time to time, so so so thankful for that wonderful device!), Emma's napping on the couch, and the boys are at the schwimbad (public pool) with one of their friends and his family, and Chad who's on leave is over at one of my friends hanging her ceiling fans so she doesn't melt in this almost unbearable heat that Germany's having. (It's in the 90's here and humidity is about 50%...but that's HOT for Germany which is a country that in general does not believe in a/c's...we have one but it's just not the same as central air...which I miss).

In the quietness I've been just simply thinking about GOD and his mercy. He knows our heartaches and he knows our joys. He knows when we're so excited over him and spreading him and he knows when we've hit that valley and we seem to keep him more to ourselves than spreading his goodness to all we come in contact with. That's what I am thinking about...those times when we're in the valley, when we're comfortable, and we're not quite jumping off rooftops singing our Lords praises. I think most of us spend a lot more time in the quiet valley's of worship and I'm going to guess that it's quite a comfortable place for most people...it's the shouting for joy that's uncomfortable. I'm a girl who likes both, I LOVE sharing GOD's word, sharing his mercies, grace, and even his discipline in my life and others. But when he ALLOWS me these quiet moments I savior them and I realize that although I may be vocally quiet, others are still hearing me, seeing me, learning about my Savior from me. Hopefully they see his goodness and mercy and see the stumbles I've made and see that GOD gently and sometimes not so gently picks me back up and gets me going again. I couldn't make it a single day without our Father. I hope that even when I'm not singing from the mountain top his Praises, that others still come to know our Father. That they see even in the stillness of life, GOD is THERE. He's everywhere and he never is letting go of us.

I'm learning that I need to spend a little more time in the valley of life and just simply live as GOD has called me to live, because when he has me quiet, he's using someone else to sing his praises Loud and Proud. I hope when someone meets me no matter where I am, they see Christ. I most of all feel that right now my children need to see Christ through me, and my husband needs to see Christ in me. To see his mercy, grace, and submission. Submission isn't a dirty words ladies, it's a GODLY act of love to our husbands, but most of all it's an act of obedience and love to our LORD!

"Oh Lord help me to be the wife and the mother you call me to be. Let me be gentle, full of mercy and grace, with the correct amount of discipline for my children. Let me be submissive, gentle, merciful, and full of grace towards my husband as well. Let them look at me and know that Christ dwells with in me. It's my humble prayer. "