hand over the mouth

Those who know me and I mean REALLY know me, you know I speak my mind and sometimes I speak before I think. Last night was one of those experiences and all I can do now is pray that GOD will place his hand over my mouth, grab me up and shake the daylights out of me so I can hear him tell me "quiet". Seriously I can preach a good sermon, but I sure can't seem to take my own advice. Why can't I just keep it shut sometimes and let things be. So will you pray for and with me. Pray that I will stop, pray, and then if GOD is leading me do or don't do. Will you pray that my actions and words do not have a negative effect on someone I love so much I can't even bare the thought of hurting him. I'm so angry at myself and so remorseful I can't even tell you how much. I just have to wait and see what comes of my own arrogance.

Hurt Feelings

We've all had them at least a few times in our life. I feel like I've sucked it up more over the years, but there are still times when it's just a reality of life that my feelings get hurt. I thought I'd share a few things that hurt my feelings.

When a friend says she'll call me that day/later and then doesn't.
When friends who live in the same place as you talk about how they and other mutual friends are getting together and never think to invite you.
When my husband snaps at me when I ask a question, and actually have no attitude when asking it.
When I find I spend my day holding the baby all day, not able to accomplish much if anything and then hubby coming home and you can see it in his eyes that he thinks you've simply been lazy, and just done nothing.
When my husband promises me he'll do a specific task and because he's helping others doesn't ever get to doing the task that he promised he'd do.
When my child prefers his/her Daddy over me/Mommy.

I know most are ridiculous, actually all of them are. They are things I just need to suck it up and get over. Yet when you have your feelings hurt, it hurts. I try hard to turn those hurt feelings and all the pettiness over to GOD. I also know I am not always very good at doing it timely. I find instead that I sit and dwell on it for a bit first. I hope that one of these days I get over being so childish/petty. That I toughen up even more and get thicker skin.

Here we go.....

Tomorrow Noah will be 3 weeks old. I can't believe he'll be 3 weeks already. He's baby #5 and honestly I love him as much as our first, I just have a better idea of what's going on most of the time! Chad's been on leave since I had him, but tomorrow he's going back to work. He was supposed to be off the rest of this week, but they need him back and his boss asked him to return, and he has a great Plt. Sgt who's over him and Chad respects him a great deal so he's going. I honestly wish he could stay home for the rest of the week, but oh well. I'm going to PWOC for the first time since having Noah. I'm on the board once again, I'm the Prayer leader, which is such a full circle position for me. When we first moved here almost 5 years ago, just the thought of praying out loud literally made me sick to my stomach. I felt inadequate, was scared of tripping over my words, and honestly scared of being judged for sounding stupid and not eloquent like it seemed everyone else did! Then GOD convicted my vain self! Praying out loud is not about me. Let me say that again, it's NOT ABOUT ME! It wasn't about any of my sisters. It wasn't about tripping over my words. It's all about HIM! It's about Praising GOD, about Seeking HIM, Humbling myself at HIS feet! It's not about me, it's all about HIM! Whew, that was a lesson to learn. GOD calls us all to leave our comfort zones and depend on HIM. He wants us to step outside of our comfort zones and stop making it about ourselves, and start making it about him and then praise him when he allows us to succeed or not! Praying out loud was a slow start for me, I started doing it with only a few people, got comfortable in that setting and went to a larger one, until I felt GOD urging me to pray in front of our whole PWOC body (aprox 40 to 50 women). At this point it's not a nervous issue, it's still so humbling to me to see where GOD's taken me in this particular area, and that he's constantly working on me in other area's that I cling to out of fear and have not given over to him fully. I believe with all my heart that he does that with all of us. He's calling us to step outside our comfortable place and let go and let GOD!
I'm excited about tomorrow, to officially stand in front of the ladies and praise our Lord! To share his word, and pray for our ladies in an official capacity.

With that....it's 4 minutes to midnight, my sweet Noah is waking up and ready to nurse and have a diaper change and I need to get some sleep, we have a big day ahead of us since we'll be going out it just me and the kiddo's! I think it's going to be a good day!

Oh and just a little shout out.....Happy Birthday Emily....I love you girl!

Two weeks already

All taken today

Noah's two weeks today, and it's flown by. He had his 2 week Well baby apt today and has gained 1 lb 2 oz. (thank you Momma's milk!), he's grown 1/2 inch, and his head is 1 in. larger as well! He got his Vit. K shot, Hep B shot, and PKU. He will not get any more vax's, until he's 2. Yes 2. We do delayed vaccinations over all. If you don't agree fine, but no unsolicited advice...I've done my research!

So how's life been here...one word....EXHAUSTED! I'm tired, nope I'm exhausted! But, I love it. I'm so thankful that GOD has blessed me once again. Emma's still crazy about him and we have to watch her constantly around him (we'd do this anyways, but still) she's always wanting to hug him, kiss him, and lay beside him (which ends up on him if we're not really careful). She's also insanely jealous and has been whining more than normal (aka driving me INSANE), but her love seems to override the jealousy so I'm thankful!! The boys are great. Jack seems to be more interested in Noah than Jacob, but Jacob's 9 and well I don't know what else to say about him (we seem to be entering a moody phase that holds some unpleasant attitude...it's tough getting older with parents who don't allow disrespect!). In a few weeks Jacob will actually be showing our church community and saying outloud that he's given his life over to Jesus, and will be baptised! He's loved Jesus for years, and had a true heart for our Lord for the last 4 years, that others have truly seen and even talked with him about as well, so to have him make this step is one that makes my heart just swell. He asked to take the baptism class and really loved the classes, loved speaking every week with our head chaplain, and learning more about Jesus than he already knew, and then sharing with Chad and I all he's learned. I'm sure I'll be a crying mess the day he's baptised, as I cry when anyone publical displays giving their life over to Christ, so to see it with my own child....whew watch out!

Well it's LATE and my eyes are heavy! Good night

Noah

He's HERE!

I'm writing from the klinikum (hospital). Our little boy decided he could wait no longer and on Wednesday I had the joy of going into labor....so much for labor free (planned c-section) pregnancies! LOL I labored all day and around 3:00 I could not take it any longer and made a couple phone calls to get Chad home, who was an hour away in the field and made unexpected/new childcare arrangements for the kids, and get a ride to the hospital. Because of previous c-sections my ob surgeon had told me when I scheduled my c-section that if I had contractions to come in. I got all hooked up to monitors, was checked (everything was still closed), and then waited with a friend and on Chad to see what was going to happen. The nurses and midwife kept going back and forth to "you'll be having your c-section today or in the morning or maybe next week as scheduled" it was a little annoying. Chad finally arrived and maybe 5 minutes later my ob surgeon walked in and said since I'd been having contractions the c-section was happening that night.

Noah entered this world, screaming and beautiful and perfect! I'll share pictures later! :)

GOD has truly blessed our family once again. The kids all love him and although Jacob wanted another sister, he's in love with his new baby brother and Jack is thrilled to have a little brother that he wanted, and Emma just wanted a baby and is her own little Heaven with "her" "Baby Noah"!!

Yeah!!

For probably 9 months or MORE my playlist wouldn't play for me since we're stationed here in Germany and there were copyright issue's going on with playlist and the music industry. No complaining on my part, since it's ultimately free music for my (and your) enjoyment. Well it's playing again for me! I've missed hearing my music and music on others pages who have the Playlist!



The boys have just 2 more days of school left (we don't school on Friday's since they have German class in the morning and PE in the afternoon). They're excited and I admit I am too! Next week will be a time for us to relax and enjoy the last few days before the baby comes. I need to go and buy an outfit for a boy and for a girl still, for the baby to come home in (have to buy one of each since we don't know what we're having and I don't want a unisex outfit, it's just not "me"). I still need to buy a package of newborn diapers, I'll be using cloth diapers, but I don't think I have enough newborn cloth so I want to have some disposable, plus the way newborns go I do admit it's just easier to have disposables that first couple weeks and until we can get into a new routine of life with a newborn!



I do have a prayer request. Pray for the kids adjustment to the baby. I think the boys will be fine, they're excited they remember when Emma was an infant and they were great when she came home, it's mostly for Emma. She's VERY excited for the baby, but of course at 2 1/2 she has no idea how her life's about to be turned upside down and inside out. She's "The Princess" and is about to be knocked from her throne at least a bit! LOL She'll always be our Princess, but life where it more or less revolved around her and her desires in so many ways is about to end. She's 2 and 2 year olds for the most part are naturally selfish, and don't see the big picture and that's all part of growing and seeing outside yourself, but it takes time! Jacob was the same age that Emma is when we had Jackson, and he did great...but every child is different and every child reacts to a new sibling differently. I just want this to be as smooth of a transition as possible for ALL of my children. One thing that's very important to me and Chad is that our kids all feel loved as much as their sibling. We both grew up feeling our sibling was favored to the fault and not the fault of that sibling (I say not the fault of my own, but Chad's sister is another story that I won't get into). I never ever want Jacob to feel we love Jackson more or Jackson to feel we love Emma more, etc! You get the picture. We have different relationships with each of our kids, because they're different and unique people and we love and appreciate their differences even when those differences drive us a little batty! (Hey as parents we're only human, too!) Jackson informed a friend of ours a couple days ago that he wants me to have 14 more babies! ROFL I don't see that happening! LOL BUT I love that he has a heart for siblings and a large family and I am praying for his future wife that she'll have the same desires to trust their family size to GOD and allow him to bless them.



Well I need to get off, Emma is up from her nap and making typing an interesting adventure as she hugs and kisses all over my face and is sitting on my right arm! lol



God Bless

My Cup Runneth Over

Today was a good day! I feel good physically, even if I don't walk anymore and now only waddle. Emma went to bed last night sick and got sick through the night and woke up sick, but then stayed vomit free the rest of the day! Jacob finished his last Baptism class and will be baptised late next month, and then this afternoon we had the end of the year Awana Awards/Party. To see all those children lined up being recognized for all the hard work they've done all year long is inspiring and truly humbling!!!

I am at a point where I'm days away from giving birth to this precious baby growing inside of me. I feel so blessed and I hope this doesn't come off sounding arrogant, because it's not being said that way at all, it's being said from my heart.....I KNOW how blessed I am to have this baby growing inside of me, and truly don't need to be reminded of this blessing from a spiteful side (which has happened a couple times this pregnancy). I am in awe that for what ever reason I've been able to get pregnant easily. I'm in awe that I've had uncomplicated pregnancies. I'm in AWE that GOD's allowed me to have 4, soon to be 5 children. He did take one home, he took my sweet, precious, wonderful, beautiful Jordyn home when she was 2 years old....yet through the grief of her leaving my arms she got to enter our Lords! Through that grief he put new life inside of me, not from my or Chad's desires, but because he knew far more than we did! How thankful I am that Chad and I have and continue to trust GOD with our family size. He's blessed our family over and over. Thank you Jesus, thank you.

Light in the storm

Well we made it through Saturday and then GOD gave us the most amazing gift. Since we moved we have a carport and garage. Well the garage is full of boxes and various items that need to come in, but I'm in no huge rush to get it all in, it's in the garage after all. But...the items out in the carport, that everyone can see and that need to move into the attic, those need to come in! Saturday night/Sunday morning Chad was moving some and came across a box and called me outside, there was a box with some of Jordyn's clothes. Now let me share the back story on this. When we were about to have Emma I sent Chad down to our storage room to bring up Jordyn's clothes and he couldn't find them. He searched the whole storage room and was sure he went through all the boxes and totes. I am not sure how these clothes ended up in the cardboard box, because with Jordyn's clothes I was VERY particular about putting them into totes. Then I look over and see 3 totes that have tape around them, that's never been cut...so Chad opens them and there are the rest of Jordyn's clothes! When I'd went back to the states almost 3 summers ago, I'd searched our storage shed and of course they were not in there and I had determined that the movers had lost her clothes. I'm so thankful and Chad and I both cried tears of joy! We have thought for almost 3 years that these clothes were gone and low and behold we had them the whole time, but GOD didn't want us to find them until her 10th anniversary/Mother's Day. It truly felt like this beautiful gift from GOD on a day that was so hard for me personally and Chad as well. We just never know when or how GOD is going to work in our lives and just when we least expect it, he pulls out a big one that knocks our boots off!

It's still hard to believe it's been 10 years since Jordyn left our arms for Heaven, but even through the storms....GOD's love just keeps shining through.

Ten Years Ago....Jordyn found her wings and flew

Trying to find the words and there are so many going through my head and yet none that truly can convey what's on my heart. Here in Germany it's almost 1 AM, so it's officially the day Jordyn went home to Heaven. I want to have the attitude I had the other day of celebrating her eternity with Jesus, but I'm not feeling very happy right now. The tears keep welling up in my eyes and I can still blink them away for now, how long that will last only GOD knows. Lets be real here ok. Grief HURTS. You don't just stop grieving because it's been 2 years or 5 years or TEN YEARS....it's been ten years since Jordyn died. How, how is that possible? I can still remember that day so clearly. To be really honest here I can still hear my screams to Jesus to bring her back. I can still feel the horror of having to call Chad because he'd left the day before for Ohio to attend his Grandfather's funeral, to tell him his baby girl was now with Jesus. I can still feel myself rocking her back and forth while sitting on the floor, pleading with her and pleading with GOD to just bring her back, oh please bring her back. But she was gone. Her pain and suffering were over and I would NEVER bring her back from Heaven....but it still hurts.

My reality is my arms will always be missing a child to hold. I am "that" Mom....Jordyn is "that" child who "got" cancer and then died. I'm here and I survived the death of my child. I didn't survive because I'm stronger than any one else. I'm not amazing. I'm not anything special. I had NO CHOICE. I prayed that I would wake up in Heaven for months on end, but GOD did not answer that prayer as I wanted, just as he didn't take the cancer and heal Jordyn the way I wanted. I'm not angry, although I have been there. I'm not even eternally sad...but still feel sadness. I don't feel guilty for allowing the feelings to come. I won't lie and act like all is always ok. I am me. I'm real. I'm honest. I know where Jordyn is and I'm so thankful to know where she is and know she's safe and she's truly HOME. I'm not sad for Jordyn, I'm sad for me. I'm sad for this world that so many people missed out on knowing the most amazing little girl. She was beautiful inside and out. A child who lit this world up and made it more beautiful. Who had a smile and laughter that you couldn't deny.

I know one day I'll be with her again. I am thankful for the 2 years, 1 month, and 8 days Chad and I had her. I am in awe that GOD allowed US to be HER parents for 1 second even. I'm eternally grateful for the blessing I have that I can say Jordyn Ashleigh is my daughter and that I got to parent her, hear her call ME Mommy and feel and KNOW her tight sweet hugs. Even in my tears and heartache I'm blessed and I know it and I do not take it for granted.

I honestly don't even know if this makes sense. I feel like I've been all over the place tonight and you know if I have, so be it.