Grace

Over the last couple of days, the Lord has truly worked on my heart, in ways I did not imagine. I have already been struggling a bit with Jordyn's diagnosis date (24th) and her birthday (30th) coming up, then Skittles our 2 year old Yorkie died on Wednesday evening and it just opened my eyes to how harsh my attitude towards others for so many various things and I've been too hard on my kids on so many aspects. I do not enjoy them nearly as much as I should. I do not rejoice in them. I'm not the fun parent, I am the complete opposite of the fun parent. I want my kids to grow up with the values and morals Chad and I believe in and feel strongly about, but I don't have to go about it so harshly. I need to show them far more grace than I have over the years. I only have one shot and I do not want my kids growing up to resent me, looking back and focusing on the negative because that's where most of their memories of me are focused at. I want to be their soft place to fall and I have not been, that's been Chad's role and that's not okay.

The Lord did not create me to be a constant mean mom. He called me to be a loving, safe, God-fearing, God-LEADING mother. I don't know how much of those things I've been to my kids and it's been a harsh reality. Yesterday we did no school work, we had a lot of cuddle time, grieving time together, and the Lord used yesterday and last night to really convict me and my parenting. I've been out of control too many times. I am ashamed of the mother I've been time and time and time again. What's amazing to me is that the Lord has every right to parent me the way I've been parenting, but instead he's shown me nothing but grace, forgiveness, and unconditional love. If the Lord can show me that, I most definitely can and must show that to my own children.

It's a time of great changes for me, I can feel it. The greatest change I want to make is in how I'm a wife and mother. Oh Lord please forgive me for being everything you've told me not to be. Please guide me to be a better mom and a better wife. Let my focus be where you want it to be.

Acts 20:32
"Now I commit you to God and to the word of his grace, which can build you up and give you an inheritance among all those who are sanctified."

Skittles

We got Skittles on our Emma's 4th birthday. A friend of ours gave her to Emma for her birthday (she'd gotten her when she was 7 months pregnant and deemed she was just too much for her, with a newborn and living on a 3rd floor apartment, and active duty army). I had become a person who did not even like dogs, because of our other dog, Bentley, although Skittles was so cute and sweet and just got into my heart. The last 2 years we've loved this little dog, as she would cuddle up on my lap every change she had, as Chad and I somehow became "those people" who allowed their dog to sleep with them, and she was a lead butt once she was asleep (we could not move the blankets once she was on them). If she didn't sleep with us, she slept with Jacob. Quite often in the evenings she'd go into his room and curl up on his bed. She also liked to go under my chair and curl up. She'd finally started liking and playing with our other two dogs (Alley and Lucky after HATING them for a while).

This evening after Chad came home, he saw her running into the house, when she got inside, Jacob noticed that she was bleeding. We noticed what we guessed was a hole and her breathing was labored. I screamed for Chad and he and Jacob rushed her to the vet, but she died before they made it. The vet said her lung was punctured. The vet guesses that it was a sharp, long wire or something like that.

I am just truly so sad. Pray for our family, we're all grieving and sad. It's nothing like the loss of Jordyn or any person for that matter, but she was part of our family and we're hurting and sad.

                                                           

What I wanted to do, but instead

In a little less than 2 weeks will be Jordyn's birthday, she'd be 15 years old. I wanted to celebrate her this year. I want her birthday to be a day of joy and happiness. I truly want that. Yet I sit here in tears, hurting, angry, feelings all over the place. I would love to be one of those grieving mom's who bring it all back to the Lord and in joy and comfort and love. I can't seem to do that though. I miss her. I want to be a good wife and mother, yet I fall flat and HARD on my face. Every single year, every single year I find myself flying off the handle, yelling, crying, feeling lost and confused, and just wanting to dig a hole, or finding a dark room and hiding until the middle of May. I can't do that of course, but if I was allowed to, I would.

I truly thought this year, this year I could do it. I could celebrate Jordyn, fully and completely. Please, I beg you to pray for me. I'm selfish and weak. Please pray that God will give me joy, that he'll give my heart peace.

I'm broken, weak, a sinning, hurting woman, wife, and momma.
One day I KNOW the Lord is going to allow me to celebrate her birthday the way my heart longs to.

I'm Back

I know it's been something like 2 months since I last wrote here. We're back in the states, getting settled, trying to unpack boxes, waiting anxiously for my van to finally arrive so we can go pick it up, and the kids and I are not stuck at home and we can get more involved in our homeschool group and I can get back to PWOC.

Okay so I'm here tonight, because I just need to vent a little. I do NOT understand why people ask for advice, get it in a loving and supportive way and then says  "don't make me feel guilty if this doesn't work out", when nothing of the sort has happened. I'm sorry, but if a person is feeling guilty, maybe it's their God given conscience, telling you to try harder, do better, and quit making excuses.
This kind of behavior just frustrates me beyond belief. I am holding back though, and venting here instead of yelling at the person who's annoying me with this behavior. I'd love to know how others deal with this sort of behavior. I want to be Christ like when addressing these situation, but I will tell you now, it's not my first reaction. For now, I'm just sitting on my hands and seeking the Lord's wisdom.

The Days are Dwindling

The days just keep dropping faster and faster. We got all packed out, the van leaves tomorrow, we have our last night at the Hospitality House tomorrow night, so many lasts. We have friends up who were stationed here a few years ago and are now stationed down in Italy, we are going to find a way to fit them in to at least say hi tomorrow.
Saturday and Sunday will be days full of cleaning and scrubbing...I know fun times,  you can all be honest in your envy! ;) My stomach just is a constant state of butterflies. I honestly am still just so saddened that our time in Germany is coming to an end, truly coming to an end. We've been here so long that I guess in some insane way I just thought we'd stay here until our post closed. I'm trusting the Lord, trusting that he has great things in store for us that we can not even imagine.

Day 14 of being thankful

I remembered to actually post this on here. 


Day 14 of thankfulness: I'm thankful for  PWOC. When we moved here in 2005, there were fliers EVERYWHERE and I do mean everywhere...stairwells, CAC, Post office, all over the place to go to the PWOC Kickoff, which was celebrating 50 Years of PWOC. The kickoff was at the CAC and the women were hysterical. I knew no one, but met Linda as we walked from the chapel (dropping

 our kids off at childcare) to the CAC and had my first friend.
I had no idea that this group of women that has been ever changing, would have such a dramatic effect on my life. I have met some of my best friends through PWOC, had the most amazing support through 3 deployments, 3 babies, etc.  PWOC will always have a special place in my heart, since it's where I've grown the most as a Christian, as a woman, a wife, a mother, friend, and a human in general. To each of you who ARE PWOC...thank you and know that I love you past and present. 

The women I've met over the last 7 years of attending PWOC have truly changed my life in so many ways. I was still a new Christian when we moved here. The thought of praying outloud in front of others was terrifying, to the point that I'd physically get sick at just the thought. I led a class my first year here for the spring session and wouldn't even pray outloud at the end of each class, a friend would do it for me. The Lord though, oh he convicted me over that and gave me strength and the ability to share HIS love and HIS WORDS, and I eventually became the Prayer Chair on the board, which had me praying out loud in front of all the ladies every week. The Lord can give us the ability to do anything, when he calls us to it. I'm not the same woman I was 7 years ago. I've grown in the Lord, and know that I will continue to grow in Him. I pray that I'm surrounded by people who will challenge me and encourage me in my walk with the Lord. I pray that I can be the wife the Lord has called me to be, and mother I'm to be. I want to shine Jesus. That's my desire. I'm so thankful that the Lord's used the last 7 years for the purpose of having me lean on Him more, love Him more, and grow in HIM more.

Days 7-13 of Thankfulness

I'm sorry. I really meant to come here everyday and write what I'm thankful for, and it just hasn't happened. So without further ado!


Day 7 of Thanks. I'm thankful for Jackson. He was our first baby we ever planned. He was born with fluid on his lungs, spent 8 days in NICU, and came home and loved to just be cuddled and held. He's always had a sweet and tender heart. He loves the Lord, has a great imagination, and such a good boy. He has one of the greatest smiles and a laugh that is contagious. God brought a life full of happiness into our lives with Jackson.


Day 8 of thankfulness: My Emma Grace. I was not sure if I'd ever have another little girl after our beautiful Jordyn Ashleigh went home to Heaven. Before I was pregnant with her, I started praying and asking the Lord to allow us to have ano

ther daughter. When I went for my reveal ultrasound and the ob told us that she was a girl, I was crying so hard I couldn't even see the ultrasound. I think I asked at my next 2 apts to make sure she was really girl. We had 3 names narrowed down when we went to the hospital, the moment I looked at her I just knew she was Emma Grace. She has brought our family so much joy and she is ALL girl. She loves Jesus, loves her family, and her friends, and this girl loves to pose! :) I'm so thankful that the Lord answered our prayers with our beautiful Emma Grace

Day 9 of thanksgiving: My Noah-boah. He's full of giggles and orneriness. Our 5th child, 3rd boy I thought I'd seen it all. He keeps me on my toes. He's wild, crazy, and yet still loves to cuddle, and just be my lovey. He loves all his siblings. He goes from 0 to 100 in about 1.8 seconds. I truly think this boy has made me laugh more in his short 2 1/2 years than any other child of mine. Oh my sweet Noah, how I love him.

Day 10 of Thanksgiving: Olivia Joy, our unexpected blessing. She was my easiest pregnancy and I figured she'd be my baby with colic, because a pregnancy that easy doesn't come with a cost (lol)....instead she really threw us for a loop. Bor

n not breathing, then started having breathing issue's a couple hours later. She fought so hard in her first 8 days of life. She had an infection that caused a scare of possible meningitis, her little lungs collapsed causing a chest and breathing tube, then we were told she'd have to have to have surgery on her eye or she'd go blind. She instead wore eye patches once a day for 30 days and her eye has shown to be fine. She is nothing short of a miracle. Joy is what she brings us and what she exudes. I've never had a happier baby than Olivia (and they were all happy). She lights up our lives. We didn't plan her, but GOD surely did and I can not thank him enough for her or her siblings who adore her here on Earth and in Heaven.

Day 11 of Thanksgiving: I'm thankful for my husbands service, my brother, various friends and family who have all served. We have our freedom's because men and women fight and continue to fight for our freedoms. Let us never take for granted what has been fought and given up for us. 

Day 12 of being thankful: Today I am thankful for being a stay at home mom. After a night like last night where I have one little one not feeling good and up off and on until 3 AM and another little one who thought it was play time until after 4 AM, I was able with the help of my big kids, get some extra zzzz's and feel like a semi-productive person for the day!

Day 13: I'm thankful for my 2 beautiful nieces from my brother and his wife. They're beautiful, smart, sweet, talented girls who I adore and am so very excited to get to see them next month and watch my kids and them develop a close relationship. I love you Bailey and Brooke. You're amazing girls and I couldn't be more proud of you and Aunt Christy can not WAIT to spend more time with you!

30 Days of being thankful

I believe I did this on here last year. I've been a poor blogger, so thought this would be a good way to get me back to blogging and will allow me to expand on things. I'm going to do this first one for the first six days of November, going off what I've been writing on facebook.

Day 1: Day 1: I'm thankful that I have a Father who loves me so much, he died on a Cross for me....thank you, Jesus.
I did not truly come to Jesus and give my life completely over to him until I was 23 years old. I had always believed in some sense since I was a little girl, but did not really know the Lord, sinned without a second thought, and when it all came down to it, lived for myself. When Jordyn was born, I knew the Lord was alive and I wanted to know him intimately. We started going to chapel when we were stationed in Baumholder, Germany and when Jordyn was diagnosed our chaplain came and prayed with me that first night, his name was Chaplain Godlove. Truly could a man with that last name be anything, but a chaplain or preacher?! After Jordyn died, I knew I had to give my life fully over to Jesus and make it publicly. On Easter of 2005, Chad and I were both Baptized. I'm humbled by the cross and I'm forever grateful. I have the promise of Heaven. 

Thankfulness Day 2: I am thankful for my husband, Chad. We watched as our baby girl fought against aml leukemia so bravely, we clung to each other when she went home to Heaven. We beat the odds and fought for our marriage. We've been blessed with 5 more children, 5 deployments, an amazing life for the last 7 1/2 years in Germany (which the last 2 to 3 have been all for me). We are about to start t

he next stage as Chad prepares to retire from the Army, and begin life on the civilian side of things. Our life has been an adventure so far and I would not have wanted to go through this adventure with anyone else. Thank you for the blessings, for your hard work, and most of all your love for me and our family.

Thanksgiving Day 3: I'm thankful that my kids have had a great opportunities for extra curric. activities...from baseball, football, soccer, basketball, choir, piano, AWANA, VBS, and acting at Stables Theater, and many other things. We've been so blessed with amazing volunteers and have met so many great people and friends because of our kids activities.


Day 4: I am thankful that all my children seem to truly not only like each other, but enjoy playing together. Listening to their giggles and so much laughter as they play together. It's wonderful to see Jacob at 11 play with his 2 year old brother, as Emma (5) giggles watching them.


Day 5 of thanks: I am thankful that the Lord allowed me to bring Jordyn Ashleigh into this world. For 2 years 2 months and 8 days I was able to mother, love, and devote everything in me to the most amazing little girl that I've ever and will ever meet. Thank you Lord for allowing "me" to mother Jordyn Thank you for making me a mother, for changing my life in ways I never could have imagined.

Day 6: I am thankful for Jacob. After losing Jordyn and finding out we were expecting Jacob only 8 days after her death, I didn't think I could ever love again. When I heard his first cries, all fears were gone and I was so in love with him. He truly showed me that life not only could keep going, but could be full of joy again He not only gave us very unexpected blessing, I was able to give my bea

utiful Great Grandma Combs the best birthday present ever...she wanted a grandbaby born on her birthday and Jacob was that baby. We were blessed to only live 30 minutes from her and we were able to spend a great amount of time with her in her last almost 2 years of life. Thank you, God for giving us a blessing that terrified me to the core, but yet you knew how healing he would be and what joy he'd bring not only Chad and I, but my 92 year old Great Grandmother in her last years.

So there you have it, my first 6 days of thanksgiving. I am a very blessed woman and am humbled that the Lord has allowed me a single day to feel joy, comfort, laughter, love. I don't deserve it, but yet he allows it. He's given me a wonderful husband who I'm not always nice to, who I'm not very good at submitting to, yet he loves me through all my ugly attitudes  and poor behavior. He has allowed me to get pregnant easily. I do NOT take that lightly. I have such precious friends who struggle with infertility, who struggle with remaining pregnancy. I know what a gift it is. I ache for those who struggle or have never been able to experience a child in their womb. I am humbled that the Lord has entrusted not one or two, but SIX of His children to be in my (and Chad's) care for even one day. He holds Jordyn in his arms, yet he's allowed me to hold our other 5. We trust him with our family size and although that's uncommon in today's world, I'm so thankful I've never told Him "no" when it comes to adding to our family with a child. It amazes me that he has said that he loves me so much he wants me to raise his children. 

I pray you each know the Love of Christ and if you don't, that you will give your life to him, there is nothing, absolutely nothing more important! 

Go VOTE

I'm very open on my political stance. I'm a Conservative Christian, Pro-Life, Anti-Abortion, Constituionalist, God-fearing and loving, Tea Party, girl on the Right. I don't think I have a liberal bone in my  body. I detest Obama. I think he's harmed our nation in ways we have not even seen yet and am concerned that if things that he's put into action are not repealed our country is heading to becoming a socialist nation.

So there it is. Now, I will also say that I think voting is a priveldge that we can not take for granted. When you have a husband who's fought for our rights and other countries to have the freedom to vote for their elected official, we can not take that lightly. Chad's been deployed 5 times, the last 3 being in Iraq, with the last being for 15 months. It was not easy, some days it felt unending, it's exhausting. But as exhausting as it was for me, it was nothing compared to what Chad and his brothers (and sisters) went through.

Please though, go vote. It's so important and our nation truly does depend on it.

Blessings

The upcoming move is coming up soon, and yet we're still in the Army's hurry up and wait. Waiting on paperwork so we can finish up to drop off passport paperwork. Chad did everything he needed to, but his unit's been out in the field, training so now that they're back, we're hoping what paperwork needs to be finished can be done tomorrow, so that Monday we can go drop off all the paperwork. He has a briefing next Friday, then we'll hopefully have orders the following week. PRAY we have orders the following week, because we have to schedule transportation, schedule to have my van shipped, make sure that we'll be able to get our dog and cat on our flight(s). I'm not worried about leaving Germany, because from my understanding the military flight we'll be on will be fine, but we hope to actually carry on our pets and place them under our seats for the 2nd flight since they are both the right weight.I'm not stressing, just ready to get things rolling since we know there's a lot to do.

My dear friend Petra has been spending time with my oldest 3 kids every week. I'm hoping we can all have a day together to spend and visit. My heart just aches leaving her. She's married to a German, so we won't just cross paths with her again, without a good deal of planning, whether it's visiting Germany (which we have every expectation to do), or visiting her when she comes to the states to visit her parents. She's been such a source of strength, friendship, and accountability to me in the last 7 1/2 years. I just can't imagine not being able to see her once a week. I know that the Lord brought us together and he will not end our friendship. I'm thankful that he allowed us to come together and grow together. I'm so thankful that the Lord brought such an amazing woman in our lives, who loves my children with all her heart and as much as she loves her own children. We are truly blessed and so thankful.

I have a great deal of laundry to do! So far behind it's not even funny. I keep saying I'm just going to take it all to the laundry matt, but haven't yet. It really would make it much easier if I did just take it all there and have it all washed, dried, and folded. No matter it all has to be done before our movers come! So at least I have a time limit. I've asked my family to hold me accountable to be doing laundry all day every day (as in the washer should be constantly going from 9-4) and if it is, I should be able to get caught up fairly easily. Pray for me, no seriously, pray for me! It seems ridiculous, but I do NOT like doing laundry and I know women who like it, but I am NOT one of those people!! Speaking of laundry I have blankets on my couch that need to be folded and my washer's almost done, so I can say I got some done today and can let a load of whites soak over night. I do remind myself that having laundry to do is a blessing, it means that we all have clothes to wear, which with the grace of GOD, we've barely bought because the Lord has blessed us with friends who have given us clothes for our kids. I'm so thankful.
Washer's done...off I go!