Psalms 86

Last night at small groups (bible study) we are talking about prayer and focused on Psalms 86. The Lord's word is so convicting, in a good way, yet whew. As we were going around the room asking for prayer, I knew what I had to ask others to pray for me over, my ease of flying off the handle with the kids, especially my older ones. Here's the thing, I do not know what I'm angry over or why I just fly off the handle so easily.

Psalms 86
A prayer of David. Hear me, LORD, and answer me, for I am poor and needy. Guard my life, for I am faithful to you; save your servant who trusts in you. You are my God; have mercy on me, Lord, for I call to you all day long. Bring joy to your servant, Lord, for I put my trust in you. You, Lord, are forgiving and good, abounding in love to all who call to you. Hear my prayer, LORD; listen to my cry for mercy. When I am in distress, I call to you, because you answer me. Among the gods there is none like you, Lord; no deeds can compare with yours.All the nations you have made will come and worship before you, Lord; they will bring glory to your name. For you are great and do marvelous deeds; you alone are God, Teach me your way, LORD, that I may rely on your faithfulness; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name. I will praise you, Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever. For great is your love toward me; you have delivered me from the depths, from the realm of the dead. Arrogant foes are attacking me, O God; ruthless people are trying to kill me— they have no regard for you. But you, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness. Turn to me and have mercy on me; show your strength in behalf of your servant; save me, because I serve you just as my mother did. Give me a sign of your goodness, that my enemies may see it and be put to shame, for you, LORD, have helped me and comforted me. 


What I know is that as I study this scripture and pray on and through it, the Lord can change me. I need to be changed. I need to have more fear of the Lord and praise Him more. He shows me so much grace and I need to show grace towards my children. I need to be softer and kinder and just be gentle. I want to be like the Lord and be slow to anger and abound with love. I want to show the grace that the Lord shows me day in and day out.

As we prepare for our new school year to start I want it to be the best school year we've had. No tears, other than happy ones when it comes to school work. I want excitement and joy of learning. Okay, I am realistic and know that not every day we're going to be excited about school, but that does not mean we can not still find thankfulness in our school days. Let me focus on the love I have for my children and let them truly feel loved without question.

I want to be more like Jesus and less like me. 

Outcast

I'm a pretty outgoing person, I rarely have a hard time talking to people. Yesterday the homeschool group here had a picnic. I have never felt so out of place and uncomfortable. Thinking about it right now makes me tear up, not because I'm an over-emotional sap (I used to be, but the last few years not a lot makes me cry), but because I was hurt that no one could be bothered to talk to me. I was late, but it's a picnic so that to me normally means it's a bit more open ended. We got there, placed our food on the table, made our plates. I said hello to a couple people and got a "hi" and nothing else. Now please know I did not expect everyone to stop what they were doing and greet me, but I did expect people to be more friendly. I sat down at a table where another lady was sitting and had been eating. As soon as we sat down, she turned around (at a picnic table) and started talking to another lady. I sat there, eating my watermellon, feeding Olivia, and fought off the tears. It was like this ugly click and I was obviously  not welcome. My kids were asking me when we could leave.
Now this was not our first time with this homeschool group. When we first moved back we went to a field trip, met other families, felt immediately welcome, spoke with MANY other parents. Yesterday could not have been more different. I ended up speaking with one person, a young woman who recently moved here, who has a mutual friend. She was getting her kids and leaving and walked past me and recognized me and we talked for about 5 minutes. That was it. Chad had met me there, since I had a drs apt at 1:00, so he took the kids and I left. We were there for a little over 30 minutes and had I ever suspected it'd be that way, we'd have NEVER went.
I am still digesting how to handle it, whether I address it with the group as a whole on our page on facebook or just let it go. I would NEVER want another person to feel like we did yesterday, but I also do not want to stir up drama or be thought of as this dramatic mess.
I know I could have put myself into conversations, but it's hard when it's so obvious that you are NOT welcome. I've lived long enough to know when a person's simply not welcome.
I told Chad, maybe it's time I start looking outside of the military for support, since our time is ending. Maybe this was the Lord's way to begin to prepare me for civilian life.
This has made me miss Germany so much. I miss my Bamberg home school group. My sweet friends who would and never did make a new family feel excluded, but instead probably overwhelmed them with love and welcoming them to the group. I have no memories of anyone ever being excluded.
I don't know how I'm going to handle this yet, but I know I want to be gentle and most of all be led by the Lord.

Olivia is healing well. Her left hand no longer has to be bandaged and although there's still healing to be done, but she's able to have full use of it now. Her right hand is making a lot of progress as well. All the skin that had been blistered on her palm came off on Monday, you can now see the skin that survived and it was a good amount more than her doctor thought would have survived, so he was really happy with that. She also has lots of new, pink, tender skin growing. Right now her doctor does not think she'll need surgery, but it just depends on how tight the skin grows, if it's too tight they'd have to go in and fix that, but at this point he does not think she'll need surgery. I continue to pray she doesn't. I am so thankful that although this is still hard, she's healing well and that when it's all said and done, she will not have any memory of it.
We have seen the Lord's grace through every step of this. I look at those who do not have a relationship with Christ and just do not know how they do it. I'm so thankful we have the Lord and lean on Him, trust Him, serve Him.

In a moment

We have had a busy, fun, and crazy last few weeks. One of Jacob's best friends from Germany came and spent ultimately 2 1/2 weeks with us. It was a good visit for the boys, although Jacob was away at church camp the 2nd week while his friend was here. Jacob had such a great time at camp though with all the fun stuff and on fire for the Lord most importantly! Jacob was at camp during the first week of July. On the 4th of July we had plans of swimming, grilling, and going to town to watch the fire works, home to set off a few of our own with the intentions of saving the majority for when Jacob returned the next day. That was the plan. Swimming happened and Chad grilled and as Chad finished up grilling and turned to bring the food in and tell the kids to come in, our sweet, beautiful Olivia Joy walked over to the grill and touched it. Just writing it still makes me sick to my stomach. Her sweet little hands were burned severely. Her right hand endured the worst of it her whole palm and all her fingers, there are 2nd and 3 degree burns on her tiny little hand. On her left hand her thumb and first two fingers each had a burn and the fatty area between her thumb and index finger also had a blister. Those were "only" 2nd degree burns and right now are very close to being healed. We were told 10 to 14 days for 2nd degree burns and thankfully her left hand seems to be on par for that healing schedule. We spent about 2 hours at the ER the evening of the 4th and then the next day took her to Wichita to the hospital there that has a burn center. Can I just say it takes a very special and unique person to be able to work with burn victims, I am not that person. I sat there holding my baby girl, as they popped blisters and cut away the dead skin, as she screamed from pain, I sobbed.
It took just 5 seconds of Chad turning his back for this to happen and we're now a week and 1 day out from this and I still find myself tearing up and feeling sick, to know the pain my little girl experienced. I just hate it.
We returned to Wichita the following Tuesday (as in 3 days ago) and went to the burn specialists. He was happy with how she's healing up and said that after today we do not have to wrap her left hand any longer. I asked how long it may take (knowing that every one heals different and every burn is different) and he said it could take possibly 2 months, there are a lot of factors that go into it. If she still has skin that's alive and healthy on her hands (palms and fingers) then it'll heal faster and if not it'll take longer and then we may have to discuss her having a graf done, but he does not at this point think surgery/graf will be necessary. The thing is, it's just a matter of waiting and seeing though. We go back next Tuesday to his office so he can once again check her hand and see the healing process.
I am in such awe of Olivia. She had such a rough start to life and showed nothing but courage and strength as a newborn that knew no difference. Here she is at just a little over a year old, once again showing strength and courage. I know I would cry and complain constantly if it was me, although I so wish it was me over her. I have learned a great deal about burns, honesty far more than I ever wanted to know.
Chad is excellent at changing Olivia's dressings, I on the other hand, am not. I'm extremely thankful that it's not left up to me to do, although this week, I'm going to work on doing it so I can do it alone, since next week he has 24 hour duty one day and I will have to do it alone, with the most help being from Emma, which will not really be help!
Next week our big boys will be off to camp for a week. I'm excited for them, but I know I'll miss them. Jack is so excited, tomorrow both the boys will get packed and we'll pick up any items that are needed that we don't have.

We are so thankful that although our girl is going through something I would like to take away, we have seen God's hand through all of this, holding her closely, putting the best doctors and care in our path, and help with our other children when we've needed it.

I did it

Last Monday I got out of bed and stepped down, just like any other day, but unlike any other day I did something to cause pain in the top of my foot. I had a drs apt about something else and didn't really think to even bring it up. I went along my way, limping a bit, but was okay. Tuesday my foot hurt a little more, Wednesday a little more, Thursday even more. Friday it was really painful. We went swimming and as I was climbing out of the pool and heading down the ladder to put my shoes on, the pain was unbearable. I showered and got dressed and we headed into VBS. I told Chad on the way that he was going to have to take me to the ER. We dropped the  kids off, stopped for a pick up of some books that I had to do, and then Chad dropped me off at the ER and he went back to our church as I instructed.
After 3 1/2 hours I was finally called back to a room. The PA I saw didn't believe it was broken, and honestly it being broken was nothing I'd even considered. He pushed on where it was swollen and I thought I was going to crawl out of my skin because of the pain. He pushed a little lower and the nausea took over. Off to Xray and confirmed nothing appeared to be broken. I pulled/stretched a ligament in my foot. I am icing it often, staying off of it, taking vicadin for pain (not working), and motrin (because you can't go to an Army hospital and not get the Ranger Candy!). I was still hurting, but it wasn't unbearable. Saturday I did great and kept off of it all day. Sunday had church, I sang, although they got me a stool to sit on and sing from, then after church it was time to tear down from VBS. I took some things down and then was ordered to sit, which I did. Then friends that attend the church that our decorations were going to, to be used, showed up and lots of hugs and chatting began and I was standing more. Came home and sat down, and a friend came out for a while with her baby. I was good and kept my foot propped up and iced. That evening I hobbled around here and there, not using my crutches like I should. This morning I woke up in so much pain.
I know, I know I did this to myself. I have more swelling and the pain is just over the top. I'm icing it, staying on top of my meds (which don't help, but I'm just hoping something will kick in). I've decided if it still hurts like this tomorrow I'm calling to see if I can get into my PCM (Primary Care Manager aka dr). put

The lesson to be learned. Don't be stupid like me if you injure yourself, do over do it, just stay be good and stay down!

Showing Grace and Mercy

I've recently seen a new "fad" you could say. Christians bashing Christians. It breaks my heart, it bothers me, and when I see it I go to say something and then have no peace. I don't want to be part of another phase of bashing, yet feel convicted that I'm to go to my sister(s)/brother(s) in Christ and well tell them to stop.
I don't understand the constant crowing from some who are saying "show grace, show  mercy, be forgiving" yet what do they do "That's a fine example of a Christian" in a sarcastic tone. "This is why unbelievers hate Christians", etc. It is so hurtful, it groups all Christians into this one group.
I am not perfect, I don't know a soul who is other than our Lord, Jesus Christ. I know I don't always show grace and mercy, like I should. I so hope and pray I'm not seen as someone who bashes others. I want to be known as a Christian and that my love for Jesus shined from me, as a wife, mother, etc....but most of all as a Christian and I want to represent Christ in the best possible way.
I know I often fall miserably in showing his love, grace, and mercy more days than I like. Let those who care about me or even just know me, and see me in my sin, that they'll show enough grace to call me out in my sin.

Progress in photography

  I continue to work on photography, it's still a great deal of a work in progress. I am hoping to take a photoshop class through the same teacher that I took the photography class, so hopefully when he offers it again, I'll be able to get in to it (only 4 people are in the class). The goal though for me right now is to take good and eventually beautiful photographs without editing.

Here's a few that I've taken.

Work in progress, I am learning, I see progress most days and see where I need to change up things and adjust, etc.

Since moving back to Kansas we've been with only 1 vehicle, which means the kids and I are at home all day, everyday. Ultimately I leave once a week,on Sunday's to go to church. In general I'm okay with it, I'm a home body, we do school, kids play, our days are full, but what I've found out about myself is that when you live 30 minutes from post, aprox. 5 miles to the closest small and I do mean small town and 11 minutes from the next town, well you can get a little stir crazy. I am a homebody, but I also need some adult interaction and just need out of the house from time to time.

I simply put get lonely. I often feel forgotten. I have a friend who texts me from time to time who lives on post, to check in, but we just haven't been able to spend much time together. I am ready for Chad to get his own vehicle so I can have my van back and even if I don't go anywhere, I don't feel so trapped. I know I could obviously leave once Chad's home, but I don't feel like wasting gas just so I can "go".

I know the Lord has called me to this place right now, and although I don't completely understand it fully, I must find joy in it, and honestly I've not felt a lot of joy in my heart lately, but I think that may be why the Lord has called me to this place of solitude.

I want to be obedient. I want to be a good wife and not complain all the time to Chad, and I want to be a good mother, a better mom.
Use me Lord to be who you want and are calling me to be.

Thanks to those who commented and have been such an encouragement to me. Saturday was a really hard day for me, pretty well all of last week was hard, but it all came crashing down on Saturday. Wednesday was the 13th anniversary of Jordyn's death and Sunday/Mother's Day was the anniversary of when we buried her, the last time I kissed her, touched her sweet face, saw her sweet face. Grief is hard, it hurts, and you know I have the hope through Jesus. I KNOW one day I'll be with my sweet girls again, and yet it brings me to my knee's. It's ugly, it's raw, and it can make a person feel like they're losing their mind. I was there on Saturday. Crying out for Jesus and honestly for anyone else to just say "I care, your pain matters, I haven't forgotten".

I have been so blessed in this life, and I sadly do need to be reminded sometimes of how blessed my life is. The Lord has blessed me with 6 beautiful and amazing children, 5 of which I have right here to raise. Yesterday at church our pastor was preaching on Proverbs 1:7-12 and the verse that truly struck my heart and Chad's was verse 8...to summarize fathers are to instruct their children and mother's are to teach. Such conviction and great instruction for both of us as parents and a reminder and confirmation that parenting is both of our responsibilities.
I have not been the best mom lately...from being too harsh to being lazy in my mothering. I don't want to look back with regrets, or at least not many regrets. Every day is a new start and blessing and it's time I stop taking for granted the blessings the Lord's bestowed upon me.

I hope my fellow Momma's will pray on these verses, let them encourage you, and seek HIS wisdom.

Proverbs 1:7-9
The fear of the LORD is the beginning of knowledge, but fools [fn] despise wisdom and instruction.
Listen, my son, to your father's instruction and do not forsake your mother's teaching.
They are a garland to grace your head and a chain to adorn your neck.

It's time

I finally made a decision that gives me peace. I've held onto so much anger, sadness, confusion, and just feeling unsettled, but now there's just peace. I honestly don't know if I'll be blogging anymore, I get just a couple people at most who even comment, not sure if anyone else even reads.