Really

I just love how someone wants to leave a comment, but is too chicken to leave their name. Honey, if you can't be bothered to leave your name, I'm surely not going to approve your comment. It's nice to know I have stalkers whose lives are not full enough to be honest and be real.
I realize I'm not perfect, I screw up often, I say things from time to time I wish I could rephrase, and on a very rare occasion even would like to take back, but one thing I know is people rarely have to wonder how I feel or where I stand.

So, if you want to comment, be an adult and leave your name otherwise honey, it's just going to be deleted.

Confused

This morning I discovered that someone who I love, who I valued as a friend, who I thought was taking a break from facebook, instead had deleted me and blocked me. To say my feelings are hurt is putting it lightly. Confused, sad, hurt. I just honestly don't understand it. I DO NOT GET IT!
I have deleted people, heck I've even blocked a couple...although they were never people I considered friends and if I was, I was honest enough to tell them why through a PM, because at some point they were someone I cared enough about to call friend. I do not call people friends, unless I mean it.
What are others take on that? Ultimately when the email you have no longer works, you lost their phone number, because you lost all your contacts at one point. I just would like to know why.
It's obvious that she meant more to me, than I meant to her. I can accept that, I have friendships where I think I may mean more to the person than they mean to me. It doesn't make the friendship less though. It also means that if they did something I would let them know through a private message or something. Heck just call me out in public, at least then I know what in the world is going on.
I know I have a beautiful family and precious friends who are TRUE, REAL, and most importantly, HONEST friends. I thought this person was one of those friends. It sucks when you discover you were wrong about a person. VERY wrong.

So excited

I keep watching the clock today, and of course as with any watched clock, it's dragging by so slowly. Why am I watching it? Tonight when Chad gets home for work, we're going to see my best friend for a few days and then to see Chad's family! (If you're concerned that I'm posting about us leaving our house, no worries we have someone who will be watching our house and neighbors who are watching out for our house as well!).
I just can not wait to see Tami and her family, hug her and spend time with her. We always spend a lot of time laughing, talking, cooking, and just enjoying each others company!! Her kids are out of school Mon-Wed and her husband is taking Thursday and Friday off and she's keeping her boys home the other two days as well, so it'll be a fun week for all. Chad's not seen his family in over 10 years, so I'm so excited that he's going to get to see them!!!
Neither Chad's family nor Tami and her family have met Noah and Olivia, and Emma was only a year old the last time we saw all of them, so I'm really excited about that as well!

God has blessed us so much. My parents very happily agreed to keep Lucky and Alley for us and another friend agreed to keep Whiskers, so the pets are taken care of. When we come home, we'll be staying the night at my parents and then finishing off our trip, thankfully  my parents aren't too far so that when we do have to get back in the van, the drive won't be too bad, just a couple hours!

Today has been a day of doing laundry, backing suitcases, and just cleaning up around the house (steam cleaning the family room, vacuuming the living room and hall) and just making sure everything is picked up before heading out.) Just a few more hours!!!!!

Doner Kebab

Our favorite "fast food" while in Germany was a Turkish-German treat, the Doner Kebab.
There is nothing in America that truly is like it, you can find things that are similar, like a Greek Gyro, but I've yet to find anything just like it.
A friend of mine that was stationed in Germany with me, shared this recipe and I am planning on trying it. We're getting a pretty good tax return, so we'll be purchasing some lamb meet (which is fairly pricey) so that we can attempt to make our own! When we do, I'll report back and let you know how they turned out. In the meantime if any of you want to try making them, let me know if you do and how they turned out!!

For all my Friends who miss food from Germany. Here's the recipe!!!

Doner Kebab's
  Serves: 4 Ingredients: 1 1/2 pounds lean veal Salt Freshly ground pepper 1/2 teaspoon ground cumin (or a prepared doner-kebab seasoning) 2 small onions 5 tablespoons olive oil 4 cloves garlic 3/4 cup sheep-milk yogurt 1 tablespoon fresh chopped parsley 4 flatbreads (the size of your hand) Garnishes: 2 tomatoes 1 cup red cabbage 1 cup cucumber (grated) 1 onion Other: 4 grill skewers Preparation: Preheat the oven to 430 degrees (grill setting). Cut the veal into thin slices and season with salt, pepper, and cumin. Place the seasoned meat on the four skewers Peel the onions and grate finely. Stir half of the resulting onion paste with the olive oil and brush onto the skewered meat, coating all sides. Place the skewers on a grid on the middle rack of the preheated oven. Grill for about 20 minutes, turning several times. In the meantime, peel and press the garlic into the yogurt, using a garlic press. Stir in the parsley, and season with salt and pepper. Set sauce aside. Slice the flatbreads in half, but not all the way through, to form pockets. Drizzle a little olive oil into the pockets. Wash and dice the tomatoes. Wash the red cabbage and cut into thin strips. Wash the cucumber and grate finely. Peel and halve the onion, and cut into very thin strips. Arrange the prepared ingredients on a serving platter. During the meat's last 5 to 8 minutes under the grill, warm the flatbread on the oven floor. Remove the skewers and the flatbread from the oven. Remove the meat from each skewer and place in a bread pocket. Add all of the remaining ingredients or just some, according to taste, and dribble the garlic sauce over the top.

Unexpected goodbyes

Two weeks ago my friend was murdered. This woman loved the Lord and gleaned Him. Her heart was beautiful and everyone that met her immediately felt her love for the Lord and the joy that was in her heart from the Lord. She overcame obstacles that would destroy most, but not only did she survive them, she over came them and she gave GOD all the glory.
I met this amazing woman in Germany, she became a precious friend, a prayer partner, and a confidant. We taught our last bible study together before she moved, we finished up our study and she moved the following week, to Virginia, only days after her husband returned from his deployment to Afghanistan.
Through Facebook, we've kept in touch, continued to pray for each other. Her son disappeared last year and we prayed for his safe return and she's advocated for him and other young adults who get caught up in modern day slavery (those college age kids knocking on  your door to sell magazines, are not in school, they're ultimately being kept from their families. They have no money, no phones, no vehicles, they're being packed into cheap motel rooms, and are being shipped from one city to the next, one state to the next, often not being fed enough to keep the stomach pains away, rarely getting much rest, often being physically abused by their "managers", and being kept away from their friends and family who have no idea where they are." She was working with the FBI and her state Senators on this issue, to bring other young adults home and get them out of this awful thing. Amazing mom, amazing woman.
So how was such an amazing woman murdered? What we know is in December her husband hurt her, was hitting her. We do not know if this has been an ongoing issue, or a recent behavior that started. When I say we, I'm talking about her Army wives sisters. A restraining order and his removal from the home happened. We know that on Saturday he showed up at their home and threatened her and she called the police, who had been out looking for him. We know that he waited until she left for work Sunday night, followed her and pushed her vehicle off the road, then got out of his truck and shot her, called the police, confessed, got into the passenger side of her truck and killed himself.
He left their children as orphans. The oldest two boys were not biologically his, but he'd raised them as his own, the middle two were biologically theirs, and they adopted their niece when she was an infant. Now a 15, 13, and 7 year old are left to grow up without their parents and two very young men of 19 and 20 are left to navigate this world without their parents, and let me just say, most importantly, without their mom. Without their wonderful, beautiful, God-fearing, mother.
I'm so sad for these kids. I'm heartbroken that these babies have to live the rest of their lives knowing what their dad did to their momma. I'm heart broken that they will never get the best hugs ever, from their momma.
Murder/Suicide, I don't think it ever makes sense, no matter who is involved. I have never had this happen to someone I love. What I know is there are truly 3 families destroyed. The family they created together and their own families they came from. Grief is abounding from all walks of life, from their families, military family, and friends throughout the years. My heart is heavy. Satan does not win, my sweet friend won. She's with Jesus now and her children KNOW she's with the Lord. They know that she loved them with all her heart and that she did all she could to protect them. God wins, he always will. I have to remind myself of that. Good will always beat out evil. What I know is that what was intended to be evil, will turn into good. We praise him through this storm, we will pray her children through this. We will live better, because of the beautiful example my friend taught me, who emulated our Lord.
I continue to cry out to Jesus, lift my prayers, my heart, up to Him.
This may have been an unexpected goodbye, but oh I can only imagine what a beautiful reunion my precious friend is having with the Lord right now, for that I am thankful.

Dianne

When we were in Germany, I found that some of my dearest friends were chaplain wives. My precious friend, Heather went through some VERY scary health issue's and through it our friendship grew stronger and we became closer than ever. They are not wrapped in a super natural bubble wrap to protect them from bad things, if that were the case, Heather wouldn't have almost died, well actually she DID die, but through the Grace of GOD and his hands working with physicians, she's still here.
One of the chaplain wives I got to know and grew to love is, Dianne. I think everyone who was stationed in Bamberg while she was there could all say many things about Dianne. She had a definite presence. She had the most beautiful, strong, powerful singing voice I have ever heard in my life. Honestly, I could just listen to her sing the phone book (you know when they existed!!). Just thinking about her singing, gives me chills and brings me to tears, because that beautiful singing voice no longer sings. Dianne walked every day. When I think of speed walking, I think of Dianne. There was not a day that you did not see her out walking, often times pushing her stroller with her youngest in it, often that's where he took his afternoon nap, so he got good fresh air and she got her much needed and desired walk in (she walked more than once a day, but almost always in the early afternoon). She took care of herself, ate healthy, no smoking, etc. A couple years ago, Dianne was diagnosed with lung cancer and there was cancer in other area's of her body as well. She was not given a lot of hope from her doctors as far as long term survival, yet she's fought with passion, grace, and determination. During her own fight, her mother had her own battle with cancer as well, and through this she's an Army wife, mother of 6 with 4 still at home.
Right now, Dianne's in the hospital with pneumonia. More cancer tumors have showed up. She's hoping to go home in the next few days and because now there's nothing more to do, she's seeking clinic trials, because she wants to live. She trusts our Lord and knows and finds comfort that when it's her time, he'll call her home, in the mean time though, she wants to live, she wants to continue to watch her children grow, she wants to continue to grow old with her husband.
Will you please join me in prayers for Dianne and her family, her husband and her 6 children, along with her extended family. The ache in my heart is so overwhelming that after I read the latest update on Dianne Saturday night, I've just been in tears daily and prayers. I KNOW that when the Lord calls her home, there will be peace in Dianne's soul. I also know that her husband and children will grieve so deeply and that she's a woman that simply can not ever be replaced. Join me in prayers that the Lord will give a miracle, that he'll allow her to have not just days or months, but years still. Her youngest is still just so young (under the age of 8), so the thought of him growing up without his momma just takes me to knee's in tears. To think of her girls getting ready for their wedding without their momma to help them slip into their dress, sit and pray with them, and give them words of wisdom on being a wife.

I pray for a miracle. I pray that the Lord will cure her of cancer, while on this earth and allow her to see her babies grow up, and allow her to rock her grandbabies and sing them to sleep.

That is my prayer for Dianne, whether it's God's will for her, I do not know, but I'm asking all of you to join me in praying for her and her family.

Home and Sickness

I am not even sure the last time I blogged, but without a doubt it's been a while and so much has happened. We moved!!!!! It was a close move, about 10 miles into town and we're so happy to be here and are starting to get settled and unpacked. We had initially planned to buy the house we were living in, but it became clear that it was not the home for us. It was an older house, and although there was an addition (large kitchen and huge master bedroom) the older part of the house just had so many issue's that had to be fixed and it would have just cost us too much. The owners wanted to sell, so we were able to find a really nice rental in town, the rent is cheaper, the house is newer, is updated as far as windows, has solid doors, insulation is well THERE, it's a bit smaller, but just fits our family so much better! We truly love it and are so happy to be here. It's closer to town and post, so we're saving fuel, saving on utilities. I am so thankful that I decided to have us look at this house. It was listed as a 3 bedroom, but thankfully it's actually a 4! Has a fully finished basement (which is where the 4th bedroom/Jacobs' is!) so we have a beautiful family room that is absolutely huge and will allow our family to hang out there together, which will be something new, because over the years I've not hung out in the family room for various reasons. In Germany, it was just such a mess all the time, it was really a storage room so in the winter it was so cold although we had a heater, I just did not enjoy being down there. Chad didn't have the kids keep it clean, so it was a HUGE stress factor to me. In our last house, it was in the unfinished basement, which was sticky, hot, cold, smelled musty...it was a true unfinished basement (although the owners had started to finish it, they did NOT get far). This one is truly finished and well it's pretty, comfortable, we have an area for the couch's, tv, as well as our other table is down there so the kids can do their school work, we can do puzzles, play board games, etc there's plenty of room for the kids toy shelf and toy box, our beautiful antique organ is down there. The owners were definitely in the midst of finishing up details (trim) but those are details and they do not take away the functionality of the room.
Jacob's room was probably made initially to be a storage room, but they built a closet in it, so we laid a rug down in there that we had, moved the wall locker they had in there, into the hall that leads back to the laundry area and bathroom. There's a shower and toilet (unfortunately no sink) which is nice for Jacob and for when any of us are down there. No door, but we have a curtain up for privacy, then the laundry area, which is nice and bright, which is a big change from the other house we just moved from.
On our moving day, we woke up to Olivia having diarrhea and vomiting and just feeling miserable. So I loaded my van up and her and I came into the new house. I did as much packing as I possibly could in our 2 days notice that we had this house, so off to the new house where I met my parents and aunt and showed them our new house and then I did my best to keep Olivia comfortable. Olivia was sick for about 10 days. First it was the stomach bug, then proceeded to get mouth ulcers, which Jacob also ended up with, and then I ended up with. I was able to get the kids some magic mouthwash and that numbed their mouth and just helped them feel better. I was told they were from a virus. Thankfully they were pretty well healed up by the time I came down with it. Noah had a day of a stomach bug, and Emma had 1 evening of a stomach bug, both of them also said 1 day they had a sore throat, but thankfully no one else ended up with the virus that gave the horrible mouth ulcers. I have to say that going 5 days without eating is not enjoyable. I had a drs apt on Tuesday and was given my own magic mouthwash, some cough syrup for my horrible cough. After a couple more days I was finally able to eat, and my mouth started to feel better.
I can not tell you how much I've seen the Lord watching over us. God has blessed me with helpful older boys who even when they don't always feel 100%, when mom feels like death, they step up and help with the other little ones and do what needs to be done.
Over those 2 weeks of us being sick, I didn't get a lot unpacked, so we're now working hard to get this house in order and make it feel like HOME. We are going to be putting up our Christmas decorations up this week. Not rushing Thanksgiving by, just love Christmas as well and enjoy having everything put up as soon as possible, especially since Thanksgiving's a week later this year than most years. Once I have the house put together and decorated, I'll take pictures and share our lovely home.

Retreat

I just returned from a weekend away. I was a whopping 11 miles from home, yet felt 100 miles away in so many aspects. I don't like leaving my children and family in general. This is my place, my heart. Oh but the Lord knows so much better than me. He reminded me how much I needed this retreat, how much I needed a break. He reminded me just how much I need Him and only Him. Am I willing to leave everything and follow Him? Yes, I am. Do I believe he'd ever call me to just abandon my children, not at all. He just wants to know that I would. To those who don't believe, that may seem crazy and extremely confusing, but for a believer we have to be all in. We don't and can not be half way in, with our walk with the Lord. Do you believe or not? Do you fully trust Him or not? We are all called Christ's bride. Do we leave the old and step into the new? We can renew our vows to Him every single day. We drop the sins away, and let his love take us.
I needed this weekend. I needed to be surrounded by my sisters in Christ. I needed to soak in the Lord, in prayer, in worship, in His complete and astounding AWESOMENESS!
I am so thankful, that even if I feel far away from God, I know that HE is not far from me. He loves me, beyond all measures that I could ever imagine!
I'm refreshed and renewed.

Now off to be mom and wife and start cleaning up the house from a weekend of Momma being gone! ;)

Punch in the stomach moments

Tonight, I was browsing on facebook and came across a mom whose son went through chemo with Jordyn and had his bone marrow transplant (BMT) with Jordyn. I'm nosey by nature, no reason to lie, I am. I click on his facebook page and felt the punch into my stomach as I see he's married. The tears began to flow and grief took over. The reality of what never will be when it comes to Jordyn was in my face. Now I should say 2 girls that were in treatment with Jordyn have both gotten married and one is actually expecting her first baby, which is such a miracle in and of itself (relapsed I believe twice after her initial diagnosis, so a great deal of chemo and radiation). There was just something about seeing him, smiling, alive, and married. Now please understand that I am so happy he's alive, that he's happy, that he's married. It was simply a reminder of what I'll never get to experience with Jordyn.
Grief is funny like that. It has no rhyme or reason. It comes at the oddest time and just simply makes no sense what so ever. Tonight I was reminded just how raw grief can be and how quickly it can wash over. Thankfully, it didn't last long. I talked through it with a friend and by the end the tears were gone and all I felt was joy, pure joy for this young man who has survived childhood cancer and has truly beaten the odds. He had a harsh cancer to begin with, he had as far as I know 2 bone marrow transplants. I do remember when we were in the hospital he was dealing with some pretty severe graf vs host disease (which is a good and bad thing to have, if it's mild it's a great thing to have and what we wish Jordyn would have had, but when it's severe it's often deadly and he had it severely so to know he survived makes my heart sing). I can not tell you how happy I am that he's living his life and I have no doubt, living it well.

I am finding that I'm constantly fighting against my nature and in that fighting my husband for control. I get frustrated and fly off the handle at the drop of a hat. I would love to feel peace for more than 5 days straight. To feel contentment for more than a couple days at a time. I know the problem, I do get it. I'm frustrated with myself that I can not be stronger in my walk with the Lord and I know what I NEED to do. I need to be in my bible every single day. I am NOT though.
I know what I need to do and I need to do it. It's not hard. It's laziness, plain and simple, lazy.