A Trip Down Memory Lane

Last weekend was a very emotional weekend for Chad and I. We returned to where we were stationed when Jordyn was diagnosed. We were officially stationed in Baumholder, but Chad's battalion was up in Strassburg Kaserne and we lived up there as well. Strassburg Kaserne was a 5 minute drive from a beautiful city, Idar-Oberstein. We loved going there. We would often go a couple times a week. We would often walk down there, the hill was huge and steep! We'd drive down there on our "lazy" days and then just walk around the pedestrian area, buy a pretzel, and look in all the jewelry stores. There are so many good and just precious memories stored up there, that time of our life. Those were days of being naive and innocent. The days where I thought tomorrow would come, where children didn't die, that cancer happened to OTHER people, other peoples kids were the ones with bald heads and racoon cheeks...not my little girl. Not MY Baby.





March 24, 1999 everything changed. Our lives were turned upside down and inside out. To be told 1 year after your beautiful little girl was due to be born, that she had cancer. That she had leukemia. To be told to pray for ALL leukemia and pray it's not AML Leukemia. I prayed and I believed and the next day she was transferred from Landstuhl to a German hospital, Homburg University. We were told that she had AML. Our lives changed in a moment. We took our baby to the hospital because she had croup to be told hours later that she had leukemia to be told a day later that she had the type of leukemia we were told to pray against. I only left Jordyn once to return home to pack up my clothes & Jordyn's, get our medical records, and ultimately say goodbye to our last home in which we lived a "normal" life and ventured into a new "normal". A life of chemo, anti-nausea medication, central lines, flushing of lines, etc. Our lives went from new Jordyn's new stages to what type of chemo on what day, bone marrow biopsies and spinal taps. After that one time, I never retured to our home and neither did Jordyn. Chad took the responsibility of having our apartment packed up and everything shipped to the states when we moved to Ft. Belvoir for Jordyn to be treated at Walter Reed.



So....this past weekend, we returned. I figured I'd shed some tears, but I didn't expect the emotions that came over me. I was swept back to 1999. To the days of being innocent and naive. To the days of my sweet Jordyn being a beautiful, chubby baby toddling around our apartment, loving on our cat, Cassie by laying on her...giving love to our dogs BJ and Brittany. From her happy giggles and laughter that filled our home. Days before internet was a way of life, where long walks was a daily habit, rocking and snuggles was a way of life, and tomorrow held so much promise. I never imagined in my worst nightmares what was to become Jordyn's (and our) future. I never imagined 14 months later she'd be in Heaven, just barely 2 years old, when we hadn't even celebrated her first birthday.



Tomorrow's never promised, not even for our children. So if you're a Momma (or Daddy) reading this....go snuggle, hug, and kiss those precious gifts of yours. I don't care how frustrated you might feel, how annoyed you may be, how stressed out you are because of those blessings...they ARE blessings and I'm here to tell you that tomorrow is NOT promised. The only promise you have is if you have a relationship with Jesus Christ! If you have him as your personal Savior, then you have a promise of eternity! Teach your children well! Love them, don't take them for granted. Enjoy them. Don't rush them to grow up. Relish them at what ever age/stage they're at. Just love them.

God's Blessings

Christy

little of this a little of that

Before braces (in the ortho's chair)

After/With Braces
Well Jacob has braces now, he got 6 on the top, which will remain for 6 months, they'll remove them and he'll have a retainer until he's lost enough baby teeth to continue on with the process. He was in pain for the first couple of days, but since he's not complained. He's adjusting to not being allowed certain foods, but he's not doing bad and hasn't complained.

I'm not sure if I shared that my baby, Noah is 9 months old now, actually 9 1/2 months. How quickly it's gone by. He's cruising the furniture, it's a crawling pro, and he loves to get into anything and everything!! He's also the absolute cutest thing in the entire world! He's a tad bit adored. He LOVES his brothers and sister (but looooves his bubbas). He's such a happy little guy and a big little lover! He brings so much joy and laughter into our home!

Could he be any cuter??!! He has a little bruise on his head from falling one day (hey it happens).

Jackson's doing great in his advancements with reading. It's been a challenge, until recently and now he's reading more and more, gaining more and more confidence in this new found ability! School has become so much easier with him and far less frustrating! Whew! The kid can memorize like no one's business as well. His favorite thing to do though....just play and be a boy! He's loving being in Cub Scouts. He's in the Wolf pack and is excited for Wednesday's to come, when he gets to go to his meeting! This Thursday is the boys Den meeting and they'll be getting their cars for the Pine Wood Derby! Both are excited, but Jackson's REALLY excited! It's seriously so cute!!

Jackson in downtown Idar-Oberstein

Emma, oh Emma. She recently started ballet and looooves it! I have to go this week and get her, her leotard,tutu, and ballet shoes. She is having fun and has no interest in playing sports right now, which I don't mind...one less thing to run to! She's too smart for her own good I swear. In love with Noah, loves her two older brothers, Daddy, and is still a big momma's girl! She's such a funny girl and seriously loves being the center of attention, which can come out as a little bit of jealousy when that attention is being giving to Noah at times. But you know she's a sweet girl, a little sassy at times, and keeps us on our toes and laughing often!

I'm going to write another post later about our past weekend. We went to see my friend Kandice who lives up by Ramstein. While there we went over to Idar-Oberstein (the pictures of Jack and Emma were taken there). We lived just above IO when Jordyn was alive. I will leave it at that, until later.

It's almost 3 AM and I'm still wide awake. In about 12 hours my big boy will be getting the first stage of braces on. His top 4 teeth are very messed up, so he'll be getting braces just on top and only the 4 maybe 6 teeth, in a year or maybe two (depending on how long it takes for him to loose the rest of his baby teeth) he'll get the rest of his braces. It's honestly hard to believe I have a child old enough to be getting braces. The years just fly by. Far too quickly. It seems like only yesterday that he was Noah's age. The other night we were talking about what he was doing when he was Noah's age. He went through this awful phase of banging his head against the wall. It was horrible to me. Of course I'd react, which would only encourage the behavior. When he finally stopped was when I finally stopped reacting! LOL Of course!

I read blogs of new Momma's and how they're wishing for the next phase of babyhood to get here....wishing away these precious moments, wishing away the time. I am going to just say it: STOP IT! It goes by in the blink of an eye. If you have a baby, relish it. Love it....enjoy it. You WILL long to have those days back. You'll long to hold your baby in your arms again. You'll look at your toddler and wonder how they got there. How it's possible that they're talking and running and never run out of constant energy????? Don't wish those toddler days away either. In a flash they'll be a big kid who may actually know more than you. Who may roll an eye at you, who are almost as tall as you....who just a blink ago were that infant that you were rocking to sleep in your arms. Who you nursed to sleep, and held tightly to your finger. You'll long to feel them cuddled up in your lap once again. Don't wish these days away, I promise you it goes by all too quickly.

There's nothing wrong with looking forward to the future, just don't be so focused on the future that you forget to enjoy the present! Look back on the past with fondness and smiles.

Make memories. Share laughter, hugs, and kisses. Take pictures of the mundane of your life with those little ones, so you never forget. Smell them in, take deep, life lasting smells of their heads. Never take for granted a day. It'll be over before you know it.

Most of all praise GOD for each Glorious Day. Praise Jesus that you have the Promise of Tomorrow because of his sacrifice for your life and your loved ones.....if they're believers.

Tonight as I'm heading to bed, I'll be cuddling with my 3 year old who's officially out of diapers (she's just recently night time "trained") and my 9 month old. I'm blessed and not taking a moment for granted. Tomorrow....I'll take my camera and take before and after photo's. I can't believe my "little man" is 10 and ready for braces.

9 months/6 months

Today's a bittersweet day. The Sweet is that Noah's 9 months old today. Wow how has time gone by so quickly? 9 months. They're formed and grow and are born in 9 months and here he is....God formed a beautiful, happy, funny, loving, loved little baby boy who's adored and cherished in ways that are just unspeakable. How quickly they go from these little bundles that do nothing but sleep and eat and cuddle in just that right spot on your chest and in the nape of your neck, to cruising the furniture and crawling at the speed of lightening. Who do everything they can inbetween the times of sleeping and eating and making the most of all those moments. Such beautiful moments they are, but wow are they on the go! Here's a widely known secret (so I guess that doesn't make it a secret huh! ) I hold my babies as much as I possibly can. I don't lay them on the floor much, because I don't want them to be mobile for as long as possible. Here's the reality...once they're mobile you're constantly chasing, you making sure your older children have picked up the lego's, twigs that the stupid dog drug in, that got caught on his coat, because you know that the little one is fast as can be to pick up any and everything and stick it into his mouth. They're pulling up, walking along the furniture, losing their grip and balance and falling and bumping the head...the olders are running and acting like it's the end of the world, which in turn makes that baby cry harder,louder, longer. But you know what, I wouldn't want to miss a moment. I love each moment, even when I feel like I'm constantly walking throughout the rooms picking up the lego's and stupid twigs from the stupid dog (can you all guess who I'm not liking right now???? ) Anyways....time flies by too fast. So, I literally hold my babies as long as possible. I don't wish any of this time away. Sure there are nights when he's up until 4 AM because of gas, because a certain momma was stupid and ate something that's not digesting in his properly (oops..BUT lesson learned!). Even when I'm dog tired and have tears streaming down my face because I'm so exhausted and know that in only a couple short hours the older kids will be up ready for breakfast and ready to start their school day....I cherish it. I know that these moments are fewer and fewer and in a blink of an eye Noah's going to be 10 years old like his big brother and I'm going to long for these moments of rocking and nursing and cuddling over eye rolls, stomping, mubling and having to discipline for disrepect and having to talk about how he's breaking a commandment (Honoring They Mother and Father). I don't think Noah's our last, but reality is I don't know what the Lord has prepared for us in the future. I know that my heart doesn't say we're done, Chad's definitely doesn't (he's ready to have another NOW...personally I'm ok with waiting another year, but I trust the Lord!). So with that....Happy 9 month birthday my sweet Noah James. Mommy loves you so very much.


Sweet Noah in the hospital just a couple days old




Noah James...Feb 2011....on a mission: crawling and pulling up with 2 little teeth and the most beautiful blue eyes.

Now to the "bitter". Six months ago my best friend Rebekah went home to the Lord. I do rejoice she's with him....but oh how I miss her. I can't believe it's been 6 months since we last chatted. It was about this time 6 months ago we said "goodnight, talk to you tomorrow. Love you" I never dreamt that tomorrow would not come for her. I never thought her life would end at 33 years old. I never thought that the man who couldn't be bothered and who had readily admitted that the reason he didn't want to be married was because he didn't want to be a FATHER, is now fully responsible raising their two little boys. 11 almost 12 years and 9 years was not enough time for them to have their Momma, yet it was all the time GOD deemed for all of them. Oh how my heart aches. I look at Noah and think that the day he turned 3 months old, she was about to meet her Lord. I'm in close contact with her mom and sister. They are hurting and I know the hurt and pain her Mom is feeling all too well. To grasp that your child's been gone for 6 months/half a year is sometimes just so much to bare. I'm so thankful they all know our Lord. They know she's in Heaven, I KNOW she's in Heaven. How she loved our Lord. I still miss her. I still ache for her boys (actually I'm in such worry for them, but fighting hard to completely trust that the Lord is taking care of them). I don't know I'll ever "understand" why on August 19 GOD called her home. I believe all these sorts of questions will make sense when we get to Heaven. Actually I don't think we'll care, because we'll be with our Lord, that gives me peace. I miss talking to her everyday. It's still hard to grasp that I'll never get to. I still find myself wanting to share things and thinking "oh I will tell Rebekah, she'll love it, understand, etc". Please pray for her boys and her family and her other friends.
Until we meet again my beautiful friend.......

pictures,pictures,pictures

When the year started I was planning on participating in the 365 days of photo's, but I've failed miserably. I instead decided to just try to take quite a few each week and that's worked out much better!!! So with that here you go. The first set are from Feb and then next is from January (which is noted.



Mr Blue Eyes


He's crawling

He was giggling so hard

In Daddy's Army Winter Weather Gear

Noah hugging Jacob

Jacob's big birthday gift

Jackson

Emma and Me

My Valentine Flowers and the heart is from Jacob

Me and 4 of my GIFTS on my birthday

Jack,Noah,Me,Emma, & Jacob

From this point on below are all from January 2011

Noah

Noah

Jacob doing some school work

Jack

Emma

beautiful sunset from my back patio

When Noah was born the hospital had professional photographers and this was part of the package we bought. if you look closely you'll see Noah's feet as the background! Love this!!!

I was catching up on a couple blogs and read one about how she annoys herself. One thing she said annoyed her was parents who just allow their child to throw a fit and they don't do anything. It got me to thinking about how judgemental I am, we all are. It's so very easy to sit back and judge another mom and/or dad. Easy to judge another wife, woman. More often than not though, we do not know their story.

I have a friend whose son was recently dx with quite a few different issue's, one being PTSD. Now if you're not in the military, you may not know that acronym. If you are in the military you probably know it well. Post Trumatic Stress Disorder. This is common in Soldiers (and other military members), is becoming more common in spouses who've been through multiple deployments (yeah I probably have it),but it's recently been children being dx with it. Sadly my dear friend is dealing with it and so much more. When he starts having a meltdown she simply has to let it go forward, let him finish and then once he's done talk with him. If she tries to "interfere" or "parent" as some would like to call it, he goes into a whole new level. Now from an onlooking looking on at my friend and her son, they'd think she's just ignoring him or doing nothing. The reality is, she's doing exactly what she's found works best with him, as well as what his psychiatrist, psychologist, and specialist.

How many of us stand back and judge others. Parenting or what we deem as lack of parenting? Marriages? Friendships? How they do their job (what ever it may be). Oh we are so full of sin, self-loathing, judgement, self-righteousness. We can't see the board that's in our own eye, while pointing out the thorn in someone else's.
I want to be Godly. I want to be like Jesus. I want to love another far more than I judge. If I'm judging I want it to be righteous judgement, not my own. I want a heart like Jesus, vs the heart that I have. I want to be gentle, yet firm. I want to be blunt, but with love in my heart and tone. Wednesday was my birthday. I had so many birthday wishes, and so many nice things said to me. None do I feel worthy of. I was humbled. I was embarrassed. I felt and still do feel unworthy of such admiration spilled upon me. The reality is, I'm so fallen, so unkind at times, so unloving, and most definitely so unlovable....yet to view me through those who wrote on my facebook wall....I would look like a warm, lovely, kind-hearted, Godly woman. I want to be the woman so many see me as. I want to see me as GOD see's me.

This song just popped in my head:

"No Higher Calling" by Jonathan Butler


Down at your feet Oh Lord
Is the most high place
In your presence Lord,
I Seek your face
I Seek your face

Down at your feet Oh Lord
Is the most high place
In your presence Lord,
We Seek your face
We Seek your face

There is no higher calling
No greater honor
Than to bow and kneel before your throne
I am amazed at your glory
Embraced by your mercy
Oh Lord, I live to worship you


How I long to be at Jesus's feet. How heavy my heart is some days when I think of how unworthy I am, how far I have to go to be what GOD has called me to be. I don't want to judge others. I don't want to look at them and only see faults. I want to look at them through the eyes of Jesus. If I see sin, I want to go to them as a sister in Christ and speak with them as HE calls me to, not as my own "self" wants. Pray for me as I seek to be more like Jesus. To love like him, to walk like him, to fall on my knee's before him.

JJ Heller - What Love Really Means (Official Music Video)

I heard this song a few weeks ago and it just struck such a cord in my heart. I of course went searching her out and found I love many of her songs. I've been in a funk lately, but when I strip all the self-pity away and just give it to Jesus.....the last verse speaks the truth of it all:
http://www.jjheller.com/article.asp?id=lovemelyrics


He cries in the corner where nobody sees
He's the kid with the story
No one would believe
He prays every night"Dear God won't you please
Could you send someone here
Who will love me?"

Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done
Or what I will become
Who will love me for me
'Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means

Her office is shrinking a little each day
She's the woman whose husband has run away
She'll go to the gym after working today
Maybe if she was thinner
Then he would've stayedAnd she says...

Who will love me for me
Not for what I have done
Or what I will become
Who will love me for me
'Cause nobody has shown me what love
What love really means
What love really means

He's waiting to die as he sits all alone
He's a man in a cell who regrets what he's done
He utters a cry from the depths of his soul
"Oh Lord, forgive me, I want to go home"

Then he heard a voice somewhere deep inside
And it said, "I know you've murdered and I know you've lied
And I have watched you suffer all of your life
And now that you'll listen I'll, I'll tell you that I..."

I will love you for you
Not for what you have done
Or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
The love that you never knew
Love you for you
Not for what you have done
Or what you will become
I will love you for you
I will give you the love
The love that you never knew

The More I seek You

The more I seek you....The more I find you

The more I seek you, The more I find you
The more I find you, the more I love you
I wanna sit at your feet
Drink from the cup in your hand.
Lay back against you and breath, feel your heart beat
This love is so deep, it's more than I can stand.
I melt in your peace, it's overwhelming.

I need this so much right now. I need God's peace. I know I'm not the only one. I know there are others who are needing Jesus and sadly do not even know he's what they need.
I know I'm not the only one who puts a wall up, who doesn't truly let anyone completely in. I have one friend who knows more than others here, but I just don't want to burden her or others. I feel like I'm stuck on this stupid merry go round, and keep having to deal with the same things over and over again. There are times I'm up, and it's great...but more and more I find that I'm down and hurting and just don't want to bother anyone.

Five and a half months ago, my husband was almost killed in a roll over accident in the hum-vee he was riding in and 4 days later one of my best friends unexpectantedly died at the young age of 33, leaving behind her 2 little boys who are now being raised by a Dad who never wanted to be a dad, who couldn't be bothered being a Dad, and still doesn't seem to care so much about being a dad. Honestly I'm furious. I'm furious that Rebekah's almost exhusband (they were days away from signing the divorce papers)is now raising those precious little boys. It truly just infuriates me beyond belief. I think in ways I'm still also reeling from Chad's accident and have yet to let myself truly deal with it.

I need Jesus. I know, I know...I need him. I desperate for him.

School

I don't blog a lot about our homeschooling adventures, but thought I'd share a bit! School is half way over this year, wow! It's flying by. Jacob's in 4th grade. He's always been a very independent learner, that continues. He's been busy doing a great deal of research, projects, and tons and tons of reading. He loves art and is very talented in drawing and well pretty well anything he puts his mind to. Jackson is not an independent learner, although he's wanting to be more and more and so we're working on encouraging that. Jack is 7 and reading has not been one thing that he's been strong at, but that's not unusual with boys and here's the great thing...on Wednesday he read a book completely on his own! So progress and success are there! He's great at math, loves his bible lessons, it excellent at memorizing bible verses, enjoys math and history. Jack is also showing that he's talented in drawing. I should state that they get that all from their Dad and not a bit from me at all. He also loves to sing and most notably writing his own songs. They're all praise songs to our Lord and they're all long! LOL No seriously i don't know if he's sung us one that's less than 10 minutes! Hehe!! But we love it and are so thankful that his heart is to sing and praise Jesus!!!
This year we're using Alpha Omega Lifepacs and just love,love,love it!!! I highly recommend it! If you're new to homeschooling or wanting a change, we have been so happy with this curiculum this year! If you're searching for a God centered curriculum. If you want one that makes your kids excited and will challenge them, this is a great one. (No I don't get paid, but I do get asked what you use a lot and why we chose AOP). One of our favorite parts is that each subject has 10 small books, so they're easy to take with you when you're out and about, heading somewhere besides being home! ;) It's been perfect especially for Jackson, because looking at books that are thick/long are overwhelming to him, so as he finishes up one he gets excited and can see his accomplishments easily! Jacob said it makes me him feel like he doesn't have so much to do he just keeps focused on the book he's working on vs worrying about what's still ahead! Ok...done with that! LOL

It's really been a great school year and has been a blessing to see both the boys grow in their knowledge and abilities. I'm so thankful that God placed it on our hearts to homeschool our kids.
Emma is also loving doing her "school" work. She likes to sit and write, trace her name, color, be read to and to "read" to us. She loves counting everything, singing, and telling stories (ones she's made up).

I have had people ask how we do it with Noah. Well, he's such an easy going, happy baby that for the most part he makes schooling his siblings easy! He is still a baby so there are days that he simply wants to be the center of attention, and the beauty of hom schooling is there is flexibility! We just roll with things. I'm a pretty flexibile person in general.

God's been so generous to our family in making this possible. He called us to it and he's made it possible the whole time. It doesn't take patience, it doesn't take a masters degree, it only takes dedication and GOD's calling on your family.

Sleepless Nights

I couldn't sleep last night, I was still awake this morning when Chad left for PT at a little after 6 AM, just laying in bed wishing I was asleep and knowing the kids would be awake way too soon for "me". I fell asleep shortly after Chad left and almost 3 hours of sleep, until the phone rang. A friend of mine who's in the same battalion, but different company called to see if I'd heard about the soldiers from our company who were injured down range. I hadn't (since I was still in bed and Chad didn't wake me to tell me since he knew I'd gotten no sleep), so I hopped out of bed (careful not to wake a still sleeping Noah) and checked my email. Five of our soldiers were injured from an IED, but they're all going to recover. God was protecting them. So my day started, tired but some how we got breakfast done, and school going. Thankfully both boys were on top of things today and they were done by NOON! It was great and I was very thankful for no fighting or stressful schooling today.

It's been a good day for the most part, quiet. The kids and I cuddled and watched movies, read stories, etc. I got a load of laundry folded and put away and then decided to get a little MORE productive and vacuum since it's been over a week and oh sooo needed and low and behold my beloved Dyson is not sucking up....how can this be? I'm honestly too physically tired to take it all apart and figure it out. I was able to pull a lot of junk out but that did not fix the issue, so once Chad gets home he gets the fun job of fixing my vacuum while I make dinner. We have on the menu...breakfast for dinner. I got a waffle iron for Christmas so homemade waffles, sausage links and patties, scrambled eggs and eggs over easy. Well Chad will make the eggs over easy, because I can't stand the smell of them frying like that, yet him and the kids loooooooove them (we call them dippy eggs), and biscuits.

I have to say that tonight I shouldn't have any issue's sleeping, I'm so tired right now it hurts to think. My eyes are so heavy, yet I know if I even considered closing them for even a few minutes I'd be in trouble later tonight. I hate insomnia and have been so thankful lately for it staying at bay for the most part. All good things must come to an end I guess. Would you pray for me, pray for this horrible insomnia that I've had for almost 11 years off and on. I've tried many things, but I do think GOD's working on me and teaching me things through this struggle. My prayer life has strengthened a great deal over the last few years, and that is never a bad thing.

Well...I should get to mixing up the waffle batter! I'm hungry!! Oh and next Monday...Zumba starts back up! Yeah!!! That definitely cheers me up. It's going to hurt, but it's a good pain! :)