I have hope that tomorrow my heart won't hurt so much. I have hope that one day I'll be with my beautiful Jordyn again. I have hope because, Jesus Christ is my Savior. Today instead of me hugging and kissing and wishing Jordyn a happy birthday and celebrating 13 years of life....I know she's safe in the arms of Jesus. Chad and I are still not sure what we're going to do today for her birthday celebration. I had PWOC this morning, I led our worship team and prayed and cried. Chad stayed home this morning with the kids since Emma wasn't feeling well when she woke up (I think it was just allergy junk though). He has to go to the memorial service of two of our fallen soldiers from our Battalion who were killed last Tuesday in Afganistan. I'm not going to the memorial service, it's too hard and today's hard enough, plus at 4 I have Noah's well baby apt. and Jack has cub scouts. So although it'd be easiest to climb in bed, have a good hard cry, and sleep....God's made my life so that it won't work like that. I am strugging right at this moment to find joy, I have it, it's just a little deeper in my heart today. I know that part of me wants to REJOICE and sing from the mountain tops that today 13 years ago I gave birth to the most amazing little girl ever. I AM BLESSED. I AM Thankful. I AM Loved. Happy Birthday, Jordyn. I love you to Heaven and Back (and back again a few million times). Today I became a Mommy and I can say it was TRULY the most amazing experience of my life. I'll love you forever.
My camera's not beside me and I'm tired and just too lazy to go get it and upload the pictures, hopefully I'll share some later! The point of this post though is that today Chad and I celebrated 14 years of marriage! I feel so blessed that this year we were able to actually go out and celebrate. We rarely do that, for one he's so often not home (deployed or out training) or just can't justify it financially to go out and do anything. This year we were able to. Chad called and made reservations for us at a steak place and it was AWESOME. I got what they call the Women's Tenderloin, it was so good! Tender and juicy. I got a side of mushrooms that were seasoned perfectly. Chad who doesn't care for mushrooms even agreed that they were good! Oh and while waiting on dinner they brought us two homemade wheat/whole grain rolls with homemade pesto sauce and wow, seriously delicious! I would go back there just for the rolls, but the steaks were just so insanely good! Now I'm a steak snob. I grew up on a farm where every year my dad would pick out his best steer and fatten him up and he'd end up in our deep freezor once big enough. So I know what a good steak should taste like. Of course it's taken me a few years of marriage to even want steak, because we ate it so much growing up (5 to 6 nights out of the week, I got pretty sick of it!). Chad has no empathy for me at all! LOL
Anyways, back to our evening! We hired a teen that we know and trust to watch the kids. Jack came in a couple hours before we were due to go out and said he was invited over for a sleep over at our neighbor who lives directly in front of us, so down one kid. Then after the babysitter arrived the mom of one of Jacob's best friends called and asked if he could spend the night....two kids gone. So she now only had Emma. We'd debated leaving Noah, but figured we'd have to come home earlier than planned to nurse him and he'd just been sort of off all day, so he went with us. He was such a good boy! After dinner we went and just walked around our beautiful city. I shared to Chad how I felt so much at HOME here in Germany, and in our beautiful city. I just love it here. The thought of having to leave makes me sick to my stomach. I know if we do, it's in God's plan for us, I just know my heart does not want to leave this place, not yet anyways. After walking around we drove to our favorite Eis shoppe (Ice cream shoppe). They were having a special on Spaghetti Eis, sweet! Now if you've never been in Germany you may not know the wonderfulness that is spaghetti eis. It's just simply ice cream pushed through a tool to look like spaghetti, topped with a cherry sauce (or strawberry), with white chocolate sprinkled to look like parmesian cheese. So good! Well they had every thought you could ever imagine for spaghetti eis tonight. I got strawberry, fresh strawberries...oh it was so very good. Chad got three different ones on a plate. We figured that they'd be much smaller servings, oh no normal sizes all 3 of them! It had vanilla (classic), strawberry, and chocolate. They were all good, and I had a couple bites of the strawberry and chocolate...some how he managed to eat them all. Of course once we got home, it hit him how miserable he was! LOL
I feel so blessed that we got to spend time together, although we had Noah with him, we just really cherished being together. Holding hands, talking, lots of laughing, and being in amazement at how fast the last 14 years have went and yet how it feels like we've always been together. I'm so thankful that God brought Chad into my life. I'm thankful that I married my best friend. That we've been blessed with 5 beautiful children. I wouldn't have wanted to go through the good or the hard times with anyone else. Deployments are hard, but reunions are so sweet. God has held us through many times when we both are hurting, he's healed hurts, show us how to grow our love, cherish the moments we have together, and reminds us how precious our time is here on Earth. We don't know what tomorrow holds for us, but for tonight I'm thankful that 14 years ago, I married the man I never knew to dream of. I married the man who had become my best friend. Who loved (s) me passionately. Who dreamed of a future with me on our first date and wasn't afraid to share with me! Who loves God fully. I'm so thankful and so very blessed. Marriage is HARD. It'd be easier to just throw it away, but it's worth all the hard work. It's worth the sweat and tears that come from it. It's a blessed union under GOD and that should never, ever be taken lightly.
I love you Chad and look forward to what God has instore for us for the rest of our lives! Here's to another 40 to 50 years!!!
Yesterday Chad and I went to see his surgeon from his accident in August (for new readers, my husband, Chad was in a very serious roll over accident in a soft top humvee that could have easily paralyzed or killed him). He had xrays done and he's completely healed up! He'll have the rods removed from his shoulder and spine in December most likely. He told him any time between June and December, but because he's being released and all restrictions are now lifted, Chad will be deploying. We don't have a date yet, but his unit is already down range and have been there for a few months, so once he's ready he'll be heading down to join his unit.
We both have peace over this and know that nothing is outside of God's will and we trust him. So deployment #6 is now looming in our near future.
We praise GOD that he healed Chad's body so completely and fully and that he's physically able to safely deploy. We are thankful for the drs, nurses, and physical therapists that God has placed in our lives over the last 7 months to help his body heal properly. It's truly amazing how Great our Great physician is and the progress he's allowed with modern medicine!
So now it's time to get ready to go back at parenting on my own again with distant "help"/"coparenting" from Afganistan. I'm not looking forward to that part at all, but again trusting God to help me. I will definitely be facilitating local/trust worthy teens to baby sit so this Momma can keep her sanity, taking up friends offers for childcare, playdates, an evening out, etc.
I'm already planning on taking the kids down to Italy this summer if I can get us a cabin. I'd like to stay down there a full 7 nights and just truly relax and enjoy ourselves, enjoy the beach, grilling, eating good Italian pizza and other dishes, and making memories and going to Florence and probably another stop over at Pisa (since we didn't have Noah last time), I'm also thinking of bringing either another adult friend with me or bringing along a teenage helper which could be a win-win for both of us....gives me extra hands and her some time on the beach! ;)
I'm now off to bed, Zumba kicked my butt tonight. I haven't been in 2 weeks after being sick the last 2 weeks. So time for some reading and shut eye.
God Bless
Last weekend was a very emotional weekend for Chad and I. We returned to where we were stationed when Jordyn was diagnosed. We were officially stationed in Baumholder, but Chad's battalion was up in Strassburg Kaserne and we lived up there as well. Strassburg Kaserne was a 5 minute drive from a beautiful city, Idar-Oberstein. We loved going there. We would often go a couple times a week. We would often walk down there, the hill was huge and steep! We'd drive down there on our "lazy" days and then just walk around the pedestrian area, buy a pretzel, and look in all the jewelry stores. There are so many good and just precious memories stored up there, that time of our life. Those were days of being naive and innocent. The days where I thought tomorrow would come, where children didn't die, that cancer happened to OTHER people, other peoples kids were the ones with bald heads and racoon cheeks...not my little girl. Not MY Baby.
March 24, 1999 everything changed. Our lives were turned upside down and inside out. To be told 1 year after your beautiful little girl was due to be born, that she had cancer. That she had leukemia. To be told to pray for ALL leukemia and pray it's not AML Leukemia. I prayed and I believed and the next day she was transferred from Landstuhl to a German hospital, Homburg University. We were told that she had AML. Our lives changed in a moment. We took our baby to the hospital because she had croup to be told hours later that she had leukemia to be told a day later that she had the type of leukemia we were told to pray against. I only left Jordyn once to return home to pack up my clothes & Jordyn's, get our medical records, and ultimately say goodbye to our last home in which we lived a "normal" life and ventured into a new "normal". A life of chemo, anti-nausea medication, central lines, flushing of lines, etc. Our lives went from new Jordyn's new stages to what type of chemo on what day, bone marrow biopsies and spinal taps. After that one time, I never retured to our home and neither did Jordyn. Chad took the responsibility of having our apartment packed up and everything shipped to the states when we moved to Ft. Belvoir for Jordyn to be treated at Walter Reed.
So....this past weekend, we returned. I figured I'd shed some tears, but I didn't expect the emotions that came over me. I was swept back to 1999. To the days of being innocent and naive. To the days of my sweet Jordyn being a beautiful, chubby baby toddling around our apartment, loving on our cat, Cassie by laying on her...giving love to our dogs BJ and Brittany. From her happy giggles and laughter that filled our home. Days before internet was a way of life, where long walks was a daily habit, rocking and snuggles was a way of life, and tomorrow held so much promise. I never imagined in my worst nightmares what was to become Jordyn's (and our) future. I never imagined 14 months later she'd be in Heaven, just barely 2 years old, when we hadn't even celebrated her first birthday.
Tomorrow's never promised, not even for our children. So if you're a Momma (or Daddy) reading this....go snuggle, hug, and kiss those precious gifts of yours. I don't care how frustrated you might feel, how annoyed you may be, how stressed out you are because of those blessings...they ARE blessings and I'm here to tell you that tomorrow is NOT promised. The only promise you have is if you have a relationship with Jesus Christ! If you have him as your personal Savior, then you have a promise of eternity! Teach your children well! Love them, don't take them for granted. Enjoy them. Don't rush them to grow up. Relish them at what ever age/stage they're at. Just love them.
Today's a bittersweet day. The Sweet is that Noah's 9 months old today. Wow how has time gone by so quickly? 9 months. They're formed and grow and are born in 9 months and here he is....God formed a beautiful, happy, funny, loving, loved little baby boy who's adored and cherished in ways that are just unspeakable. How quickly they go from these little bundles that do nothing but sleep and eat and cuddle in just that right spot on your chest and in the nape of your neck, to cruising the furniture and crawling at the speed of lightening. Who do everything they can inbetween the times of sleeping and eating and making the most of all those moments. Such beautiful moments they are, but wow are they on the go! Here's a widely known secret (so I guess that doesn't make it a secret huh! ) I hold my babies as much as I possibly can. I don't lay them on the floor much, because I don't want them to be mobile for as long as possible. Here's the reality...once they're mobile you're constantly chasing, you making sure your older children have picked up the lego's, twigs that the stupid dog drug in, that got caught on his coat, because you know that the little one is fast as can be to pick up any and everything and stick it into his mouth. They're pulling up, walking along the furniture, losing their grip and balance and falling and bumping the head...the olders are running and acting like it's the end of the world, which in turn makes that baby cry harder,louder, longer. But you know what, I wouldn't want to miss a moment. I love each moment, even when I feel like I'm constantly walking throughout the rooms picking up the lego's and stupid twigs from the stupid dog (can you all guess who I'm not liking right now???? ) Anyways....time flies by too fast. So, I literally hold my babies as long as possible. I don't wish any of this time away. Sure there are nights when he's up until 4 AM because of gas, because a certain momma was stupid and ate something that's not digesting in his properly (oops..BUT lesson learned!). Even when I'm dog tired and have tears streaming down my face because I'm so exhausted and know that in only a couple short hours the older kids will be up ready for breakfast and ready to start their school day....I cherish it. I know that these moments are fewer and fewer and in a blink of an eye Noah's going to be 10 years old like his big brother and I'm going to long for these moments of rocking and nursing and cuddling over eye rolls, stomping, mubling and having to discipline for disrepect and having to talk about how he's breaking a commandment (Honoring They Mother and Father). I don't think Noah's our last, but reality is I don't know what the Lord has prepared for us in the future. I know that my heart doesn't say we're done, Chad's definitely doesn't (he's ready to have another NOW...personally I'm ok with waiting another year, but I trust the Lord!). So with that....Happy 9 month birthday my sweet Noah James. Mommy loves you so very much.
Sweet Noah in the hospital just a couple days old
Noah James...Feb 2011....on a mission: crawling and pulling up with 2 little teeth and the most beautiful blue eyes.
Now to the "bitter". Six months ago my best friend Rebekah went home to the Lord. I do rejoice she's with him....but oh how I miss her. I can't believe it's been 6 months since we last chatted. It was about this time 6 months ago we said "goodnight, talk to you tomorrow. Love you" I never dreamt that tomorrow would not come for her. I never thought her life would end at 33 years old. I never thought that the man who couldn't be bothered and who had readily admitted that the reason he didn't want to be married was because he didn't want to be a FATHER, is now fully responsible raising their two little boys. 11 almost 12 years and 9 years was not enough time for them to have their Momma, yet it was all the time GOD deemed for all of them. Oh how my heart aches. I look at Noah and think that the day he turned 3 months old, she was about to meet her Lord. I'm in close contact with her mom and sister. They are hurting and I know the hurt and pain her Mom is feeling all too well. To grasp that your child's been gone for 6 months/half a year is sometimes just so much to bare. I'm so thankful they all know our Lord. They know she's in Heaven, I KNOW she's in Heaven. How she loved our Lord. I still miss her. I still ache for her boys (actually I'm in such worry for them, but fighting hard to completely trust that the Lord is taking care of them). I don't know I'll ever "understand" why on August 19 GOD called her home. I believe all these sorts of questions will make sense when we get to Heaven. Actually I don't think we'll care, because we'll be with our Lord, that gives me peace. I miss talking to her everyday. It's still hard to grasp that I'll never get to. I still find myself wanting to share things and thinking "oh I will tell Rebekah, she'll love it, understand, etc". Please pray for her boys and her family and her other friends.
Until we meet again my beautiful friend.......
When the year started I was planning on participating in the 365 days of photo's, but I've failed miserably. I instead decided to just try to take quite a few each week and that's worked out much better!!! So with that here you go. The first set are from Feb and then next is from January (which is noted.
Mr Blue Eyes
He's crawling
I was catching up on a couple blogs and read one about how she annoys herself. One thing she said annoyed her was parents who just allow their child to throw a fit and they don't do anything. It got me to thinking about how judgemental I am, we all are. It's so very easy to sit back and judge another mom and/or dad. Easy to judge another wife, woman. More often than not though, we do not know their story.
I have a friend whose son was recently dx with quite a few different issue's, one being PTSD. Now if you're not in the military, you may not know that acronym. If you are in the military you probably know it well. Post Trumatic Stress Disorder. This is common in Soldiers (and other military members), is becoming more common in spouses who've been through multiple deployments (yeah I probably have it),but it's recently been children being dx with it. Sadly my dear friend is dealing with it and so much more. When he starts having a meltdown she simply has to let it go forward, let him finish and then once he's done talk with him. If she tries to "interfere" or "parent" as some would like to call it, he goes into a whole new level. Now from an onlooking looking on at my friend and her son, they'd think she's just ignoring him or doing nothing. The reality is, she's doing exactly what she's found works best with him, as well as what his psychiatrist, psychologist, and specialist.
How many of us stand back and judge others. Parenting or what we deem as lack of parenting? Marriages? Friendships? How they do their job (what ever it may be). Oh we are so full of sin, self-loathing, judgement, self-righteousness. We can't see the board that's in our own eye, while pointing out the thorn in someone else's.
I want to be Godly. I want to be like Jesus. I want to love another far more than I judge. If I'm judging I want it to be righteous judgement, not my own. I want a heart like Jesus, vs the heart that I have. I want to be gentle, yet firm. I want to be blunt, but with love in my heart and tone. Wednesday was my birthday. I had so many birthday wishes, and so many nice things said to me. None do I feel worthy of. I was humbled. I was embarrassed. I felt and still do feel unworthy of such admiration spilled upon me. The reality is, I'm so fallen, so unkind at times, so unloving, and most definitely so unlovable....yet to view me through those who wrote on my facebook wall....I would look like a warm, lovely, kind-hearted, Godly woman. I want to be the woman so many see me as. I want to see me as GOD see's me.
This song just popped in my head:
"No Higher Calling" by Jonathan Butler
Down at your feet Oh Lord
Is the most high place
In your presence Lord,
I Seek your face
I Seek your face
Down at your feet Oh Lord
Is the most high place
In your presence Lord,
We Seek your face
We Seek your face
There is no higher calling
No greater honor
Than to bow and kneel before your throne
I am amazed at your glory
Embraced by your mercy
Oh Lord, I live to worship you
How I long to be at Jesus's feet. How heavy my heart is some days when I think of how unworthy I am, how far I have to go to be what GOD has called me to be. I don't want to judge others. I don't want to look at them and only see faults. I want to look at them through the eyes of Jesus. If I see sin, I want to go to them as a sister in Christ and speak with them as HE calls me to, not as my own "self" wants. Pray for me as I seek to be more like Jesus. To love like him, to walk like him, to fall on my knee's before him.
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