Day 17: Your Favorite Memory

My favorite memory...easy: Jordyn's whole 2 years of life. From the first time I held her I was passionately in love with that little girl. I had never felt anything so powerful or fast. Even during my pregnancy with her I was intensley in love with her. When we moved to Germany, even night I would take her to her room and sit in the rocking chair and rock her until she fell asleep. She would play with my hair, and the warmth of her breath on my neck as I sang to her. I'd often sit there and just hold her for an hour or more after she fell asleep, listening and feeling her breath, the softness of her hair against my cheeks. When she'd been diagnosed with leukemia, cuddling with her and literally clinging to her and praying to our Lord to let her live. Getting to Walter Reed and her running up and down the hall ways, giggling and being full of joy. Being home with her and all her girliness of playing with her babies and kitchen and of course her Barbie Jeep. She did NOT like sand or dirt. There's not a memory with her that I don't cherish.

Day 16: Your First Kiss

Day 16: Your First Kiss

Ok I'm so horrified by this one and have seriously been dreading this one. It was the summer between 1st and 2nd grade. Yes I'm serious. My family went on vacation that year to Wyoming. We spent the first part of the week with my dad's oldest sister (he's #5 out of 12 and she's the oldest of all of them). We spent an insane few days with her and her family seeing all that was in that area we went to see the Mount Rushmore, Devil's Tower, and so much more that my brain can't remember because one...it was so many years ago and 2 I was very young! Well the 2nd half of the week we went farther north to see family friends. While visiting them (they were old enough to be my grandparents) many of her children and grandchildren lived nearby so we spent a great deal of time with them. I think it was the first night there, and all of us kids went to the park. Rowdy was the little boys name, we were the same age I believe and if not he was only 1 year older. While we were there he kissed me. Not some little innocent peck either, but a big, open mouth, wet kiss. I remember not knowing if I actually liked it or not, but decided I was going to like it and let him kiss me all he wanted over the next few days and there was a lot of kissing. Who does that? What 6/7 yr old girl has business being kissed. I can remember we slept over at his house one night. I know we all slept out in a common room. He waited until his sisters and my brother were asleep and then he started kissing me again. I honestly don't even know where his mother was at that point, but I know eventually she came in and made Rowdy just go to his room and me feeling really happy that I could finally go to sleep. I don't think any of the adults had a clue, because it's definitely something my mother would throw in my face if she knew and she's never said a word about it. (Up until a few years ago she still would bring up my first crush, which to me just seemed rediculous...I was married and it was a school girl CRUSH, nothing more). Anyways....that was my first kiss. A little boy named Rowdy (who from what I was told a few years ago got into a lot of trouble, so I guess the name suited him or inspired him one or the other) was my first kiss, at a park in Wyoming. Thankful that at this point, neither of my boys have done that and I will not allow Emma that opportunity or any of our other children!


I am praying that by us raising our children in the Lord and knowing him they will not follow in my or Chad's foolish footsteps and will honor and value themselves far more than either of us did.

Tears and Judgement

I am not ashamed to cry. I recognize and realize that tears are not a sign of weakness, but are cleansing and refreshing to the soul. They often open you up to more people as they see you're willing to show your emotional side. Last year it seemed every time I turned around someone was making a snide comment about my tears, although when I sat down and thought about it, my tears seemed to come less and less last year and since having Noah I can count on one hand how many times I've cried. I normally go through a dry spell from time to time a few times a year, but this has been I think the longest, where other than a couple times because of circumstances I'm not at a place I'm willing to talk about here, I've just not cried much. I will get teary eyed with Noah, and of course had the normal post partum tears after having Noah, but although there have been things that normally would set the tears off, lately even when I want and need to, I can't cry.

As I was reading my devotional tonight low and behold what is it about....tears. Let me share part of it with you:

Revelations 7:17 "For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd;he will lead them to springs of living water. And GOD will wipe away every tear from their eyes".
Look at your bible and the men, yes MEN in it. How many of them wept? David did, my goodness Psalms is full of his tears. Jacob wept and grieved at the death (or so he thought) of his beloved child, Joseph. And most importantly....JESUS WEPT. JESUS wept and cried out to the Lord.

I have held onto this hurt for the last year. I've felt bitterness towards a particular person last year, bitterness that turned a place/group/ministry that I LOVED/LOVE into something that I dreaded and nearly wanted no part of. What I am constantly learning and relearning is that we can tease via friendly teasing, but even that can get hurtful after a while. We have to guard our own hearts and for me I need to be sensitive to not out of sarcasim, teasing, jesting, etc cause pain to others because of something they do or don't do.

I honestly do struggle to understand those who have a hard time openly crying, because it is such a natural thing to me. But that's who they are. I have no right to judge them for it, to see it as a weakness (whether it is or isn't)...instead I just need to love them, be an encouraging friend, a soft place, and love them like Jesus. Let me tell you though...I suck at that. I sit here in my home, in my chair and I judge. I judge like no one's business. Who am I to do that? I, who's constantly concerned that others are judging her, that people are gossiping about her, or simply talking about her behind her back....so who am I to do it? I wish so much that GOD would just swipe those thoughts out of my head, that he'd slap his hand across my mouth, and then get right in my face and tell me to SHUT UP. My silent judgement has allowed me to put a wall up. I've cut myself off from allowing others to get too close. It hurts to have others make you feel like a part of your personality is this big flaw, that's to be made fun of. It hurts when you feel like when you walk into a room others are judging you because you cry easily, because you're the fat girl, or any other reason. It hurts to think people are talking about you behind your back because of any or all of those reasons as well.
I'm tired of worrying about what others think or are saying or not saying. I KNOW I only need to be concerned with what GOD thinks of me. I know I need to worry less about the opinions of others, and just simply be the woman GOD wants me to be. Why is that so difficult though? Why do we continue to listen to Satans lies? Why am I so self centered that I think what someone has said or written is a jab or simply directed to me? You know I've reread the previous sentence 5 times now and here's a simple truth...I'm simply not that important in others lives for them to talk about or write about me 99.9% of the time. It's really conceited of me to think otherwise. Wow, that was quite the revelation from GOD just now. I need to get over myself. Time to pull up my big girl panties and just let these issue's go, because they are most definitely my issue's and not others. Well then.....

Lord let me see myself in your eyes. Let me be the woman you desire for me to be. Let me be the wife and mother you have called for me to be and not be concerned or so self centered as to think that others are talking about me or even thinking enough about me to make it about me. Lord, let me live this life of mine to be all about you and not about me. It's not about me, it's all about you. I have to remind myself of that daily, Lord. Thank you for this clear reminder and good old slap in the face via my own fingers. Thank you, Lord.

Day 15: Your Dreams

Day 15 is Your Dreams

I think this is more about aspirations and hopes and not about what I dream about at night, if so it'd be a short one liner of "I rarely if ever remember!" rather boring!
My dreams have changed over the years some in ways that I never even imagined. When I was a teenager I had my life mapped out as so many of us do. I was going to go to college, get my degree in Child Psychology, meet the man of my dreams, have the practice of my dreams, then have 3 children...a boy, a girl, and another boy, and of course we'd live happily ever after.
Well I found that child psych. was not what I wanted to do. I eventually met and married Chad and well 5 kids later :) . I honestly thought I'd travel and visit Europe but NEVER live here.
My dreams at this moment are: To one day see a CURE for childhood cancer. To see a way for childhood cancer to be prevented. I want to see a day where my husband doesn't have a deployment looming in his life every other year. I dream of continuing to teach my children at home, of them not only continuing their love for Jesus as children, but for them to continue their love and relationship with Christ as adults as well. I dream of having a solid and healthy relationship with my children as adults, and dream of Chad having one with them too.
I dream that Chad will retire from the Army in a few years and that he follows the calling that GOD is calling him to (becoming a Chaplain). I dream that I will be the woman GOD has called me to be, and not the one "I" want to be. (Two very different things some days).
I dream of holding all of my babies again in Heaven, never having fear or concern that another will be diagnosed with cancer, die a painful death, feel unspeakable pains and heartache.
I dream that one day I'll have at least a decent relationship with my parents (mostly my mother and my relationship is strained to say the least).

My greatest dream is to truly have a heart like Jesus. I can't tell you in written word how far it is from such a beautiful place, but it's so far and it grieves me so much. I want to love others like Jesus does. I want to see them as he does. I'm not sure that dream will come true until I get to Heaven, but I truly want it.

So with all these dreams the best thing I can do is give them to Jesus and let him do as he will with them. And pray,pray, pray.


In His Grace,

Day 14: What I wore today (again)

Day 14 is What i wore....again and so soon. Again just a stupid one, but oh well. I've been sick all day. Some lovely stomach bug. Not sure who i caught it from, but it's here so i guess it doesn't matter. I'm just praying the kids and Chad do not get it.
So since I've been ill all day (well since last night actually) you can guess that I've stayed in my pj's all day. Nothing exciting that's for sure, but comfort is the key for the day.

Hey I'm participating in a Military Spouse Blog Hop.....if you're a Mil. Spouse join in and if you're not, although you can't link up, you can still find some great new blogs!!!

oops missed Day 12: What's in your Bag

Day 12: What's in your bag

Ha...I skipped this yesterday and went straight to day 13! Well joyfully I literally just switched bags out. I am only carrying one bag right now, the diaper bag. I have a wonderful friend who makes bags similar to Vera Bradley bags (similar, but not exact) and for a fraction of the cost! They were stationed in Korea after they left here a few years ago and she got all the same material for only a few dollars per yard vs over $10.00 a yard for the same material in the states!! Anyways, she's made me a few bags and made me Noah's diaper bag! I just washed it so I just started putting stuff in it again! Right now there are about 7 diapers, the small wipe case, my wallet, chapstick, and a pen. That's it! :) Nothing exciting and very light! (Now don't go asking me this question in a week, I am sure I'd have a load of junk in that list! LOL).

Day 13: This Week

This week..I'll do my best! :)
Sunday: We went to church, went to the dining hall and had lunch, came home for a few, went to the chapel at 3 to work on AWANA stuff, then had AWANA from 4-5:30. Came home, had dinner, and relaxed.
Monday: The kids and I did school, played, we skipped sports time at the park with our homeschool group so the boys could finish up their school for the day. Jacob had cub scouts. I made stuffed shells for the single soldiers dinner that the Hospitality Host does once a month (and made our family stuffed shells as well). Dropped them off and when Chad got home we ran to the PX bought candy and bads for "Boo Bags" and the kids and I went and boo'd a few of their friends, since they'd been boo'd. We also bought candy to hand out on Halloween.
Tuesday: The boys did school, I had praise team practice, Noah turned 5 months old and sat upright without assistance (not from the laying position, but I sat him on the couch and he stayed sitting without falling over!). Noah had his Well baby check up, he weights 19 lbs 7 oz and is 25 1/2 inches long (yep he's a big boy). Ran a few errands after his apt, then home, made dinner. I feel like we did something that evening, but i can't remember for the life of me!!
Wednesday: I had PWOC, the boys did their school work during PWOC, came home made lunch, did some cleaning....I know I did some errands. Did not have evening PWOC which was nice break.
Thursday: School with the boys, cleaned, ran errands, and other things but I can't remember what. It's rather sad.
Friday: School in the morning, Homeschool PE after lunch, went to the commissary and a couple items I needed for what I was making to take to the Hospitality House. Came home and made dinner, we had a friends son over for a sleep over (he's good friends with Jacob), went to the Hospitalty House for our weekly small groups bible study and dinner.
Saturday: I got to sleep in...big time! :) Whoot-whoot! Got up, got dressed, had lunch, then we headed out and met with friends from the Hospitality House and went to a large Flea Market and found some good deals (a large wicker trunk that I'm going to use for throw blankets), an old world map (seriously awesome, although I plan to reframe it since its current frame is UGLY) and found a lazy susan that's huge and we only paid a few dollars for. After we were done we went to the post that was very close and got groceries (their commissary is only a little bigger than ours, but so much better!!!). Oh and we had dinner at Taco Bell since they have one and we do not. Came home, unloaded groceries and our finds, I nursed Noah and then we loaded back into the van and we headed to the Volks Fest (it's like a carnival).

There you have it. I know there are things I forgot that we did, but so is life! It's not always exciting, but it's ours!!

5 Months Old

Noah's 5 months old!! It's amazing how quickly the last 5 months have gone by. I think that with each baby, but it's true. The time just flies (and it continues to fly no matter the age). Noah's a complete joy though. We've had a few bumps this last month. One night he decided that sleep was TOTALLY over-rated and didn't fall asleep until 6 AM! When Chad got up at 5 and left and sad how guilty he felt about leaving me knowing we hadn't slept, I burst into tears (they were short lived), and was thankful that he finally fell asleep and I was very thankful that my other kids slept in and then let me sleep (sort of) for another hour...yep they got to veg out in front of the tv vs starting on school first thing. I will say though, that's the beauty of home schooling, flexibility. I was not functional and had enough mind to tell them to watch a movie that would work for all 3 and please eat breakfast and be as quiet as possible.
Noah's also teething, or has been working on teething. Eventually those little buds will pop through. I'm in no rush! LOL
I'm still his very favorite person in the world! :) He lights up when he see's me. He leans towards me, lifts his arms, etc. He does really love his Daddy, brothers, and sister. He and Jack seem to click the best. Jackson can put him to sleep like no one else. Emma's so in love with him, it's rediculous, and Jacob has developed a very special bond with him as well. It's a beautiful thing to see your older children in love with their baby sibling. I honestly can't imagine only stopping with 2 or even 3 children, when I look at Noah and think of what a blessing he is to our family and how much I love him. We're so blessed that GOD has called our family to leave our family size in HIS hands!!!

With that...here's a few pictures. They're all from October. On his 5 month birthday he decided it was time that he would be a big boy and sit all alone. (Not sitting up from laying, but I sit him on the couch of floor and he stays sitting up without assistance!) Such a big boy and so exciting to see his newest milestone!

Day 11: What You Wore Today

No picture......but what I wore today, personally I think this is pretty stupid for a getting to really know a person, but anyways! :)

I wore blue jeans, a purple top (short sleeve), my beautiful brown wool sweater that I got in Ireland at a wool shop (they make the wool right there, they had sheep just outside), my brown crocs and no socks (which was stupid since it was sooo stinking cold today), hair up in a pony tail.

Nothing exciting, just a pretty average day for me. I'm a blue jeans kind of girl. Of course at this point I'm already in my soft work out type pants and a tank top to sleep in.
Seriously dumbest one.