Unexpected goodbyes

Two weeks ago my friend was murdered. This woman loved the Lord and gleaned Him. Her heart was beautiful and everyone that met her immediately felt her love for the Lord and the joy that was in her heart from the Lord. She overcame obstacles that would destroy most, but not only did she survive them, she over came them and she gave GOD all the glory.
I met this amazing woman in Germany, she became a precious friend, a prayer partner, and a confidant. We taught our last bible study together before she moved, we finished up our study and she moved the following week, to Virginia, only days after her husband returned from his deployment to Afghanistan.
Through Facebook, we've kept in touch, continued to pray for each other. Her son disappeared last year and we prayed for his safe return and she's advocated for him and other young adults who get caught up in modern day slavery (those college age kids knocking on  your door to sell magazines, are not in school, they're ultimately being kept from their families. They have no money, no phones, no vehicles, they're being packed into cheap motel rooms, and are being shipped from one city to the next, one state to the next, often not being fed enough to keep the stomach pains away, rarely getting much rest, often being physically abused by their "managers", and being kept away from their friends and family who have no idea where they are." She was working with the FBI and her state Senators on this issue, to bring other young adults home and get them out of this awful thing. Amazing mom, amazing woman.
So how was such an amazing woman murdered? What we know is in December her husband hurt her, was hitting her. We do not know if this has been an ongoing issue, or a recent behavior that started. When I say we, I'm talking about her Army wives sisters. A restraining order and his removal from the home happened. We know that on Saturday he showed up at their home and threatened her and she called the police, who had been out looking for him. We know that he waited until she left for work Sunday night, followed her and pushed her vehicle off the road, then got out of his truck and shot her, called the police, confessed, got into the passenger side of her truck and killed himself.
He left their children as orphans. The oldest two boys were not biologically his, but he'd raised them as his own, the middle two were biologically theirs, and they adopted their niece when she was an infant. Now a 15, 13, and 7 year old are left to grow up without their parents and two very young men of 19 and 20 are left to navigate this world without their parents, and let me just say, most importantly, without their mom. Without their wonderful, beautiful, God-fearing, mother.
I'm so sad for these kids. I'm heartbroken that these babies have to live the rest of their lives knowing what their dad did to their momma. I'm heart broken that they will never get the best hugs ever, from their momma.
Murder/Suicide, I don't think it ever makes sense, no matter who is involved. I have never had this happen to someone I love. What I know is there are truly 3 families destroyed. The family they created together and their own families they came from. Grief is abounding from all walks of life, from their families, military family, and friends throughout the years. My heart is heavy. Satan does not win, my sweet friend won. She's with Jesus now and her children KNOW she's with the Lord. They know that she loved them with all her heart and that she did all she could to protect them. God wins, he always will. I have to remind myself of that. Good will always beat out evil. What I know is that what was intended to be evil, will turn into good. We praise him through this storm, we will pray her children through this. We will live better, because of the beautiful example my friend taught me, who emulated our Lord.
I continue to cry out to Jesus, lift my prayers, my heart, up to Him.
This may have been an unexpected goodbye, but oh I can only imagine what a beautiful reunion my precious friend is having with the Lord right now, for that I am thankful.

Dianne

When we were in Germany, I found that some of my dearest friends were chaplain wives. My precious friend, Heather went through some VERY scary health issue's and through it our friendship grew stronger and we became closer than ever. They are not wrapped in a super natural bubble wrap to protect them from bad things, if that were the case, Heather wouldn't have almost died, well actually she DID die, but through the Grace of GOD and his hands working with physicians, she's still here.
One of the chaplain wives I got to know and grew to love is, Dianne. I think everyone who was stationed in Bamberg while she was there could all say many things about Dianne. She had a definite presence. She had the most beautiful, strong, powerful singing voice I have ever heard in my life. Honestly, I could just listen to her sing the phone book (you know when they existed!!). Just thinking about her singing, gives me chills and brings me to tears, because that beautiful singing voice no longer sings. Dianne walked every day. When I think of speed walking, I think of Dianne. There was not a day that you did not see her out walking, often times pushing her stroller with her youngest in it, often that's where he took his afternoon nap, so he got good fresh air and she got her much needed and desired walk in (she walked more than once a day, but almost always in the early afternoon). She took care of herself, ate healthy, no smoking, etc. A couple years ago, Dianne was diagnosed with lung cancer and there was cancer in other area's of her body as well. She was not given a lot of hope from her doctors as far as long term survival, yet she's fought with passion, grace, and determination. During her own fight, her mother had her own battle with cancer as well, and through this she's an Army wife, mother of 6 with 4 still at home.
Right now, Dianne's in the hospital with pneumonia. More cancer tumors have showed up. She's hoping to go home in the next few days and because now there's nothing more to do, she's seeking clinic trials, because she wants to live. She trusts our Lord and knows and finds comfort that when it's her time, he'll call her home, in the mean time though, she wants to live, she wants to continue to watch her children grow, she wants to continue to grow old with her husband.
Will you please join me in prayers for Dianne and her family, her husband and her 6 children, along with her extended family. The ache in my heart is so overwhelming that after I read the latest update on Dianne Saturday night, I've just been in tears daily and prayers. I KNOW that when the Lord calls her home, there will be peace in Dianne's soul. I also know that her husband and children will grieve so deeply and that she's a woman that simply can not ever be replaced. Join me in prayers that the Lord will give a miracle, that he'll allow her to have not just days or months, but years still. Her youngest is still just so young (under the age of 8), so the thought of him growing up without his momma just takes me to knee's in tears. To think of her girls getting ready for their wedding without their momma to help them slip into their dress, sit and pray with them, and give them words of wisdom on being a wife.

I pray for a miracle. I pray that the Lord will cure her of cancer, while on this earth and allow her to see her babies grow up, and allow her to rock her grandbabies and sing them to sleep.

That is my prayer for Dianne, whether it's God's will for her, I do not know, but I'm asking all of you to join me in praying for her and her family.

Home and Sickness

I am not even sure the last time I blogged, but without a doubt it's been a while and so much has happened. We moved!!!!! It was a close move, about 10 miles into town and we're so happy to be here and are starting to get settled and unpacked. We had initially planned to buy the house we were living in, but it became clear that it was not the home for us. It was an older house, and although there was an addition (large kitchen and huge master bedroom) the older part of the house just had so many issue's that had to be fixed and it would have just cost us too much. The owners wanted to sell, so we were able to find a really nice rental in town, the rent is cheaper, the house is newer, is updated as far as windows, has solid doors, insulation is well THERE, it's a bit smaller, but just fits our family so much better! We truly love it and are so happy to be here. It's closer to town and post, so we're saving fuel, saving on utilities. I am so thankful that I decided to have us look at this house. It was listed as a 3 bedroom, but thankfully it's actually a 4! Has a fully finished basement (which is where the 4th bedroom/Jacobs' is!) so we have a beautiful family room that is absolutely huge and will allow our family to hang out there together, which will be something new, because over the years I've not hung out in the family room for various reasons. In Germany, it was just such a mess all the time, it was really a storage room so in the winter it was so cold although we had a heater, I just did not enjoy being down there. Chad didn't have the kids keep it clean, so it was a HUGE stress factor to me. In our last house, it was in the unfinished basement, which was sticky, hot, cold, smelled musty...it was a true unfinished basement (although the owners had started to finish it, they did NOT get far). This one is truly finished and well it's pretty, comfortable, we have an area for the couch's, tv, as well as our other table is down there so the kids can do their school work, we can do puzzles, play board games, etc there's plenty of room for the kids toy shelf and toy box, our beautiful antique organ is down there. The owners were definitely in the midst of finishing up details (trim) but those are details and they do not take away the functionality of the room.
Jacob's room was probably made initially to be a storage room, but they built a closet in it, so we laid a rug down in there that we had, moved the wall locker they had in there, into the hall that leads back to the laundry area and bathroom. There's a shower and toilet (unfortunately no sink) which is nice for Jacob and for when any of us are down there. No door, but we have a curtain up for privacy, then the laundry area, which is nice and bright, which is a big change from the other house we just moved from.
On our moving day, we woke up to Olivia having diarrhea and vomiting and just feeling miserable. So I loaded my van up and her and I came into the new house. I did as much packing as I possibly could in our 2 days notice that we had this house, so off to the new house where I met my parents and aunt and showed them our new house and then I did my best to keep Olivia comfortable. Olivia was sick for about 10 days. First it was the stomach bug, then proceeded to get mouth ulcers, which Jacob also ended up with, and then I ended up with. I was able to get the kids some magic mouthwash and that numbed their mouth and just helped them feel better. I was told they were from a virus. Thankfully they were pretty well healed up by the time I came down with it. Noah had a day of a stomach bug, and Emma had 1 evening of a stomach bug, both of them also said 1 day they had a sore throat, but thankfully no one else ended up with the virus that gave the horrible mouth ulcers. I have to say that going 5 days without eating is not enjoyable. I had a drs apt on Tuesday and was given my own magic mouthwash, some cough syrup for my horrible cough. After a couple more days I was finally able to eat, and my mouth started to feel better.
I can not tell you how much I've seen the Lord watching over us. God has blessed me with helpful older boys who even when they don't always feel 100%, when mom feels like death, they step up and help with the other little ones and do what needs to be done.
Over those 2 weeks of us being sick, I didn't get a lot unpacked, so we're now working hard to get this house in order and make it feel like HOME. We are going to be putting up our Christmas decorations up this week. Not rushing Thanksgiving by, just love Christmas as well and enjoy having everything put up as soon as possible, especially since Thanksgiving's a week later this year than most years. Once I have the house put together and decorated, I'll take pictures and share our lovely home.

Retreat

I just returned from a weekend away. I was a whopping 11 miles from home, yet felt 100 miles away in so many aspects. I don't like leaving my children and family in general. This is my place, my heart. Oh but the Lord knows so much better than me. He reminded me how much I needed this retreat, how much I needed a break. He reminded me just how much I need Him and only Him. Am I willing to leave everything and follow Him? Yes, I am. Do I believe he'd ever call me to just abandon my children, not at all. He just wants to know that I would. To those who don't believe, that may seem crazy and extremely confusing, but for a believer we have to be all in. We don't and can not be half way in, with our walk with the Lord. Do you believe or not? Do you fully trust Him or not? We are all called Christ's bride. Do we leave the old and step into the new? We can renew our vows to Him every single day. We drop the sins away, and let his love take us.
I needed this weekend. I needed to be surrounded by my sisters in Christ. I needed to soak in the Lord, in prayer, in worship, in His complete and astounding AWESOMENESS!
I am so thankful, that even if I feel far away from God, I know that HE is not far from me. He loves me, beyond all measures that I could ever imagine!
I'm refreshed and renewed.

Now off to be mom and wife and start cleaning up the house from a weekend of Momma being gone! ;)

Punch in the stomach moments

Tonight, I was browsing on facebook and came across a mom whose son went through chemo with Jordyn and had his bone marrow transplant (BMT) with Jordyn. I'm nosey by nature, no reason to lie, I am. I click on his facebook page and felt the punch into my stomach as I see he's married. The tears began to flow and grief took over. The reality of what never will be when it comes to Jordyn was in my face. Now I should say 2 girls that were in treatment with Jordyn have both gotten married and one is actually expecting her first baby, which is such a miracle in and of itself (relapsed I believe twice after her initial diagnosis, so a great deal of chemo and radiation). There was just something about seeing him, smiling, alive, and married. Now please understand that I am so happy he's alive, that he's happy, that he's married. It was simply a reminder of what I'll never get to experience with Jordyn.
Grief is funny like that. It has no rhyme or reason. It comes at the oddest time and just simply makes no sense what so ever. Tonight I was reminded just how raw grief can be and how quickly it can wash over. Thankfully, it didn't last long. I talked through it with a friend and by the end the tears were gone and all I felt was joy, pure joy for this young man who has survived childhood cancer and has truly beaten the odds. He had a harsh cancer to begin with, he had as far as I know 2 bone marrow transplants. I do remember when we were in the hospital he was dealing with some pretty severe graf vs host disease (which is a good and bad thing to have, if it's mild it's a great thing to have and what we wish Jordyn would have had, but when it's severe it's often deadly and he had it severely so to know he survived makes my heart sing). I can not tell you how happy I am that he's living his life and I have no doubt, living it well.

I am finding that I'm constantly fighting against my nature and in that fighting my husband for control. I get frustrated and fly off the handle at the drop of a hat. I would love to feel peace for more than 5 days straight. To feel contentment for more than a couple days at a time. I know the problem, I do get it. I'm frustrated with myself that I can not be stronger in my walk with the Lord and I know what I NEED to do. I need to be in my bible every single day. I am NOT though.
I know what I need to do and I need to do it. It's not hard. It's laziness, plain and simple, lazy.

Clear Heads Prevails

So I haven't talked to one of my best friends, E in I guess about a week. Tonight we talked and as we were talking, I thought of something that had been discussed in my Sunday School class and let me just say that GOD hit me on the side of the head and opened my blind eyes.
When we see people who seem that everything is always going in their way, that this is as good as it's ever going to get for them. This IS their Heaven. Then there's others who seem that every turn, is something else going wrong in their life. This is their hell, and Heaven is waiting for them and is going to be so much better than ANYTHING this world could ever offer.
When I shared that with my friend, it was a light bulb. I allowed Satan to not only whisper his lies to me, but I believed them. I have been a stupid, stupid, stupid woman. I am oh so thankful that GOD opened my eyes.
I am going to continue to be honest here, I've kept so much bottled up and I think that's part of how Satan was able to get ahold of me. Instead of me sharing and allowing others to pray for me. I have learned that I must be more open. I can be prayed for and with and if people don't like who I AM, that's okay. I can handle people not liking me and I don't need 1,000 followers. I just need to be honest and true to who GOD has made me to be.
Keep praying, because let me tell you...this girl has some issue's! ;) But, I have a much bigger GOD, whether I can feel Him or not. He's always there and he loves me.

Where Are You?

I don't feel God in my life right now. A friend this morning at PWOC (bible study) said this may be a time where he's carrying you. I don't know. I hope so. I just don't know.
I need HIM, more than anyone else and  yet I feel alone, abandoned, tossed aside. Where are you, Father? I want to feel loved. I want to feel that I matter to you. I know you died on a cross for me, for my sins, because you love me that much. I SHOULD feel loved. Oh GOD, please hear the cries of my heart.
Please help me out of this dark place. I truly feel Satan circling me and feel him winning in my life. I want the tears to stop, I want the hopelessness to leave my heart. I am so desperate for you, please don't leave me. I have not felt this lost since Jordyn died. I feel like David's Psalms are all across me, his cries for you.
I am tired of being so lonely. Tired of being so sad. Tired of feeling so unloved. One day this will be over. I don't want to just get through this life. I really do want to live it. I just don't know how to right now. I miss you.

I'm Done

I'm done not being real. I'm done putting a smile on my face and acting like everything is "fine" or "good". Things are not great in really any aspect of my life. I'm unhappy with my "self" in general. I don't like my body, I don't like who I've become. I'm not a good wife to my husband, I'm a worse mom to my kids. I loose it constantly on everyone.
I can't tell you the last time anyone actually listened to ME. I don't know the last time I let anyone know anything about me that is really deep. NO ONE and I do mean NO ONE knows and the fact is no one cares. I can remember from the time I was very young being told I was a "good listener" and from that time I've always felt like, it's because no one cares to hear ME.
I feel empty. I feel unloved. I am lost. Desperate.
I am not suicidal, but do think life would be so much better if God would just take me home. I sound dramatic and ridiculous. Is it too much to ask for people who claim to care and love me to actually show it? Is it too much to want a friend to ask "how are you" and actually feel like they REALLY want to know and are not just waiting for you to stop talking so they can start? It's been so long since I had that. I'm starting to question if that's even out there for me.
The woman who knows the Lord, tells herself "God's trying to get your attention. Lean on Him. Tell Him." The selfish part of me says "I know that, but I also want just one person in this world to really care and want to hear what I have to say." 
I don't know if it'll happen, I'm not counting on it. So I'm just going to be real here. I don't expect that anyone will read this. It's fine.
I have decided that since I on facebook quite a bit, I'm going to start deleting people and limiting what most can see on my page. If I don't think you're a real friend, you're either being limited or deleted. I'm tired of reaching out and sharing parts of my life, and getting nothing.

I have a "friend" who lives a few states away. Not long after we moved back, we talked and she said she was going to come visit. She didn't. As soon as another friend moved to the same state, but different place, she drove those hours and spent a weekend with her, not a word to me. That hurt. I'd never do that to her. IF I was with in 2 hours of her, I'd have at least let her know so if she could come meet me she could have. I would have came up to see her, even if just for a few hours, but obviously I don't mean crap to her. So I'm done being "nice". I refuse to leave my heart open to people who don't care. You know, that's not true. I do care. It hurts and when I brought it up, it was made clear that I was not a priority to her. She can stick by friends who are liars, cheats, and treat her like crap. I don't have to be treated that way as well and I won't be anymore.

I'm tired of being the one who has to go visit people, yet no one can bother to visit me. It's what it is at this point. I am finally seeing my value to others and it's not squat. I've allowed that, but I'm done. If I'm not important to you, then I'll do us both a favor and step away.

Psalms 86

Last night at small groups (bible study) we are talking about prayer and focused on Psalms 86. The Lord's word is so convicting, in a good way, yet whew. As we were going around the room asking for prayer, I knew what I had to ask others to pray for me over, my ease of flying off the handle with the kids, especially my older ones. Here's the thing, I do not know what I'm angry over or why I just fly off the handle so easily.

Psalms 86
A prayer of David. Hear me, LORD, and answer me, for I am poor and needy. Guard my life, for I am faithful to you; save your servant who trusts in you. You are my God; have mercy on me, Lord, for I call to you all day long. Bring joy to your servant, Lord, for I put my trust in you. You, Lord, are forgiving and good, abounding in love to all who call to you. Hear my prayer, LORD; listen to my cry for mercy. When I am in distress, I call to you, because you answer me. Among the gods there is none like you, Lord; no deeds can compare with yours.All the nations you have made will come and worship before you, Lord; they will bring glory to your name. For you are great and do marvelous deeds; you alone are God, Teach me your way, LORD, that I may rely on your faithfulness; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name. I will praise you, Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever. For great is your love toward me; you have delivered me from the depths, from the realm of the dead. Arrogant foes are attacking me, O God; ruthless people are trying to kill me— they have no regard for you. But you, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness. Turn to me and have mercy on me; show your strength in behalf of your servant; save me, because I serve you just as my mother did. Give me a sign of your goodness, that my enemies may see it and be put to shame, for you, LORD, have helped me and comforted me. 


What I know is that as I study this scripture and pray on and through it, the Lord can change me. I need to be changed. I need to have more fear of the Lord and praise Him more. He shows me so much grace and I need to show grace towards my children. I need to be softer and kinder and just be gentle. I want to be like the Lord and be slow to anger and abound with love. I want to show the grace that the Lord shows me day in and day out.

As we prepare for our new school year to start I want it to be the best school year we've had. No tears, other than happy ones when it comes to school work. I want excitement and joy of learning. Okay, I am realistic and know that not every day we're going to be excited about school, but that does not mean we can not still find thankfulness in our school days. Let me focus on the love I have for my children and let them truly feel loved without question.

I want to be more like Jesus and less like me.