Letting it out

My husband and I go on walks at night, just a short mile walk, but it's our time to talk and get some light excercise, which at 8 months and the speed we're going at, makes me have to stop about 3/4 the way through to catch my breath! Last night as we walked, I poured my heart out to him of how I don't understand why I react so explosively at times. Chad stopped and said "I do, our daughter died in your arms". Whew, here come the tears again. I changed the moment she left this earth for Heaven. I struggle with anger and rage taking over me. I LOVE Jesus. I KNOW Jordyn's safe in his arms. I changed though. We walked with her through 14 months of fighting Acute Myeloid Leukemia, we walked through chemotherapy being pushed into our baby girl (she was 6 days from 1 yr at diagnosis), to irradiation and the heaviest of heaviest of chemo's going into her to destroy her immune system in preperation for her bone marrow transplant. We didn't feel the physical pain of the chemo and irradiation, but we went through the helpless feeling of not being able to fix it for her, to prevent her from pain, or being able to keep her completely safe. We had to put poison in her in hopes to save her life. I will NEVER know what it felt like for Jordyn, only what it felt like as her Momma, who was scared to death that she'd die...and that fear became my reality. I heard myself scream a scream no mother should ever have to hear come from her, a deep groaning of despair and heartache, that I truly believe there are no words for. We're now almost 12 years since we said Goodbye to our beautiful Jordyn, and not a day goes by that I don't think of her and miss her. Her death changed my soul.

I have grown over the years to trust and love the Lord more than I ever did. I'm also still full of the what if's and maybe's. I look at my children and see their sister in them so often and it makes my heart soar as well as brings it such pain. They KNOW her and love her in their hearts. I was newly pregnant with Jacob when Jordyn died. I found out I was pg with him 8 days after she died. He was not planned by Chad and I at all, but I know he was by GOD.

I have a great deal of anger towards my parents over Jordyn's diagnosis and death, but most of all towards myself. My parents are smokers and during my pregnancy we spent almost every weekend at my parents, exposing myself, and there for Jordyn who was growing in my womb to their 2nd hand poison. After Jordyn was born, Chad left 8 days later for Germany. We had to get her passport for us to travel and as soon as he arrived to his new unit, he found out he was deploying. If I could change anything about that time, I would NOT have moved into my parents house. It's now known that 2nd hand and yes 3rd hand (via the womb) cigerette smoke is linked to causing pediatric aml leukemia. I HATED growing up in a house of smokers, it was horrible, I was sick every winter with bronchitis, I always felt like I couldn't breath, and of course without a doubt I know I stunk horribly from their smoke being on my clothes,skin, and hair. Then I did what I never thought I'd do..I moved my baby and self into that house, until I could join my husband.

I can't change the past. I know I have got to forgive myself and my parents. I'm struggling with that still almost 12 years later. I don't want to hurt like this anymore. I don't want anger to just be under the surface. I want to truly be filled with joy and show my children that joy, that comes only from the Lord. I'm praying and so is Chad on this struggle that I have.

I realize this may seem all over the place, if it's not, great, but it's how it feels right now. So if it is, please forgive me. I know it's time I hand this all over completely to Jesus and not take it back. As heavy as my heart is, I know I have hope in all of this. I know that I have Jesus and that he'll substain me and he'll love me through this.