It's all good

I got to talk to my sweet hubby earlier and got good news! A few weeks ago Chad changed companies, still the same battalion, just a different company. This has been a VERY positive change for Chad, as he really likes the guys he's working with, likes his 1st Sgt. and Commander, there's always going to be a couple people that grate on his nerves, but over all it's been a VERY positive thing in so many ways. He's not going out on missions hardly at all, which is FABULOUS for me, because the worry of being outside of base camp lessens greatly! He's able to call a lot more often, when he calls he's just been in a really good mood over all, he's able to go to chapel every Sunday now (that is HUGE!), he's been able to have prayer meetings with the Chaplain, and he's in the process of starting back to school (working on that degree!). So anyways when he moved companies he was initially told his R&R would change from the Feb. time slot we were looking at to March. Not bad, I could handle it, but I was totally nagging him on dates! LOL Nagging in a loving way, but I admit I've been nagging! I'm ready to see him, it's been 7 1/2 MONTHS people, I miss my husband! So he called today and I asked him again! ;) He said "hold on and I'll go ask 1st Sgt.!" Wahoo, doing a little happy dance. He returns quickly and says "He told me to double check with "old company" but it's then"! YES,YES,YES! So if all goes as it SHOULD...my husband should be home in just over a month give or take a few days!
So................... cleaning begins! Let me just tell you now, I HATE cleaning. I am NOT organized, I HATE CLEANING. Ok, so can you GUESS what my bedroom looks like? Guess what's the dumping ground in our home? Guess where EVERYTHING is THROWN (sometimes literally) when someone's coming over and I have limited time to clean up. You guessed it, my bedroom. I know, it's supposed to be my sanctuary...HA! It's so far from that! Let me tell you, I had all these good intentions when Chad left in May. I was going to get our room all organized and be my peaceful retreat. Well it's the room I avoid. Of course I also said I was going to go through our storage room...guess what has NOT happened! LOL Yeah, you guessed it, I have ADDED to the mess of our storage room, but sorting through, throwing out, etc...has NOT happened.

I was on a kick that the boys and us were going to trade rooms because ultimately there's more room in their room than ours (we do have an extra closet)...well I wanted to do this during R&R. The boys room is painted Green. Cute for a little boys room, but it's pastel green and it is NOT what this Momma wants. So it meant that Chad would be painting our bedroom a nice beige (NOT off white...darker) and would paint the boys room either green or blue. Well as soon as he asked if I would want him to paint the room, God convicted my butt all over the place. We're NOT changing rooms. What we are going to do is get our room completely organized, we're going to go through all the toys in the boys bedroom and sort through and get rid of TONS, go through clothes, etc....when Chad leaves the boys will have 1/3 of the toys they have now in there. I'd like to get them a love seat for their room. I found one at Momax (think Ikea but even cheaper and about 20 minutes closer to us!). Well they have a loveseat that pulls out to a bed, which would be great for sleep overs. We're also going to pull their beds apart. They have bunk beds and if you read my Not Me Monday, you will understand (if not, go back and read!!). I also have shelf in Emma's room that needs to be hung and some totes that need to come out of her room and a box that I can not move by myself, so when Chad's home we'll be doing that. We will be busy organizing. I am also hopeful we can get through the storage room. We may not be able to do all of the storage room, but if we could get through at least half, that would truly bring me so much peace and I truly believe I'd feel better going through the last half of the deployment.

Oh for fun during R&R we're going to Salburg, Austria!!! I'm soooo excited! This is in my top 3 places to visit so we're going to mark it off! I just need to book us a hotel or apartment for the time we're there. I can't do that though until he's home really, because until he's on that flight from Kuwait heading to Germany, nothing's a definite. We will do some other fun things too, but they'll be more locally!

Oh none of you realize just how excited I am to know that next MONTH I'll get to actually hug my husband, kiss him, sleep beside him, hold him, cuddle with him, oh and ready for this...I can take a shower without anyone banging on the shower doors aka EMMA! Wahoo!!!!!!!!!!
Oh I'm just so ready to have him home with us!

Well, I have to get to bed. We have a busy day tomorrow. I have a Tea tomorrow afternoon. I'm giving a friend a ride to it, and she's going to look at the train table that I'm selling, she wants to buy it for her little boy! Yeah!! One thing out of the basement and extra money in the pocket!!

God Bless and Goodnight!

Thankful Thursday

I know, I said no more, but I decided...why not! :)

Colossians 3:15
Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful.

I am thankful to our Lord, who died on a cross for each of us so we may be forgiven of our sins.

I am thankful for the husband that God blessed me with 11 1/2 yrs ago, in Chad. He's a man of faith, substance, determination, devotion, love, strength, and courage. He's my hero.

I am thankful that Chad stands firmly on his belief that we must defend our country and that she's worth fighting for, even when the public has determined it's not the popular choice. He's part of the only 4 % of all who is serving in the US Military. Pretty sad number isn't it.

I am thankful for my children. They have taught me so much...how much I could truly love, how hard I can laugh, how deeply to the soul I could ache. Jordyn made me a mother and her 2 yrs on this earth was the greatest gift God could ever have given me.

I am thankful for my Army wife friends. I have never been as blessed with the abundance of army wife friends as I have living here. I have found a best friend and friends who have such a grip on my heart, they've helped me in ways they will NEVER know.

I am thankful for my civilian world friends. Emily and Tami are the best friends a woman could ask for. It's truly hard to imagine them not being in my life, because they're such an integeral part of it now. How blessed am I to have these two amazing women in my life.

I am thankful for my internet friends, who make me laugh, cry, smile, and just remind me that friends come from all different ways, places, and God has had a hand in it every which way!

I am thankful for my can of Pepsi! Hey some of you have coffee, I have Pepsi! LOL I am guessing my children are thankful for that little blue can too! ROFL

A Longing of the Heart

I miss my husband. I got to chat with him today for a little bit, of course it never seems to be long enough, but any amount of time he has to talk or chat with us is such a blessing for our children and me.

Chad was in the Army when we met, but I had absolutely no idea what I was getting into when I married a soldier. I was a naive 20 yr old girl who thought she'd lived. HA! I'd done plenty of things I wish now I hadn't, but truly living was yet to come and it came fast.

We found out just a few short months into marriage that we were going to become parents and we were so excited. The next 3 yrs were full of joy, sorrow, and intense love and grief. Nine months of pregnancy, a deployment, moving to a new country (Germany...the first time), a beautiful girl learning to walk and talk, and then the devestating diagnosis that our sweet baby girl had AML leukemia. Off to fighting the beast, moving back to the US, continuing the fight, bone marrow transplant, relapse, nothing left medically to do, pray, pray, pray, pray, pray...and pray some more. Watching our baby wither away in front of us, nothing we could do, but pray and live the best we knew how. At 23 yrs old I sat at my child's grave. We found out we were going to have another baby just 8 short days after Jordyn died. Not exactly the time we were desiring a blessing. We hurt like nothing we'd ever expected. Nine months passed and the fear of not loving this new life, disappeared, yet the ache continued. Six months later, another deployment, then 9-11 happened, life changed forever. He returned 4 months later, another baby 2 yrs later, and 5 months later off to Iraq Chad went. 9 months later he returned, then we once again were blessed to return to Germany. Praying this time our time here would not be tarnished. Another deployment, 12 months later, he returned and 2 months later...we found out our Emma Grace was on her way. Nine months later Chad was leaving us again, but now for 15 months. So here we are 5 months down, 10 to go.

I will just say it now, this is the longest deployment. Ok I know it really IS our longest one, but what I mean is it's just dragging for me. I want him home, now. I have never felt so completely dependent on Chad before as I do now. I think that as our relationship as husband and wife grows in Christ, my dependancy on Chad grows as well. I need this man, here. I NEED him to hold me, comfort me, to be my helpmate as I am his. To know that he is here to take care of me and vice versa. Our family is simply not complete and whole without him here. All 3 of our children who are living long for him, even if Emma doesn't really know it, the girl glows when she hears her Daddy's voice. My boys need their dad. They're little boys and little boys need their Daddy's, it's as simple as that.

On a good note, this deployment is going by quickly for Chad. I'm so grateful for that. He deserves for a deployment to fly by, they normally drag for him (and fly for me!). I think for me it is because I went to the states and actually thought it'd feel like it was just flying by because I'd come back home and we'd be at the almost 4 month mark. My expectations were obviously too high! LOL

I am sure God's teaching me here. I have not completely seen or realized all he is teaching me, although I know that part of the lesson is that I'm to lean on HIM more than myself or even Chad. I am admitting here and now, publically that I'm struggling with that. I need to spend more time with our Lord. I need to spend more time in His word. I need to spend more time in prayer.

So...in a very long way about all of this, I see what I need. I need our Lord. Through it all he's been my constant. He blessed me with a strong and wonderful God-fearing man to be my husband. I do need to depend on him, but more so I need to depend on the Greatest Man in my life, my Lord.

Deuteronomy4:29
But if from there you seek the Lord your God, you will find him if you look for him with all your heart and with all your soul.

1 Chronicles 16:11
Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always.

Brighter Day

Last night was a dark night for me. When I initially started writing last night it was on how blessed I was, and look at how quickly Satan took that and made it into something heart-wrenching and full of sorrow. Well maybe it wasn't heart wrenching to any of you, but it was to me as I poured out my heart and could not even see the screen because of the tears.

The thing is though, I still have those moments, those days where my heart is just pulled outside of me, stomped on, and shoved back inside, with a little twist. It's been 8 years, 8 years since I last held Jordyn, the child who made me a mother, the one who showed me just how far I could go with love (to the ends of the earth), and just how love never dies...ever.

There's obvious regrets, but there's so many more blessings. Jordyn was God's shining moment in my life. If he's ever been more obvious in my life, I totally missed it...because for me she was the crown jewel. He showed me just how deeply I could love as well as hurt...most of all how much I could trust in him. He didn't answer my prayers the way I WANTED, but he answered them none the less (that answer btw was no). He did though keep her safe. I know she's loved and well taken care of and not a day goes by that I have to worry about her. She's with Jesus!

Sometimes we have to go through the darkness of the night to see just how bright the morning really is. Last night was a VERY dark night, and God's shown me once again just how brightly he can and does shine.

You see he's blessed me beyond all measures. He allowed me to have Jordyn, even if for a short moment. I can promise you this, even knowing the ending....sure I'd have changed some details there, but even if it was the same ending...I'd have done it all over again, because those 2 yrs 1 month and 8 days were the most blessed days of my life. God's blessed me with an amazing husband who puts up with far more than he deserves. He's given me grace over and over. He loves me like no man can love. God's given me 3 other children (so far) and they're amazing. He gave me Jacob when he knew without a doubt a girl would not have been in my (or Chad's) best interest. He gave us Jack, to show us he knew exactly what he was doing and it was HIS will NOT ours. He gave us Emma, after such deep prayer and telling him the desires of my heart. What is in the future is not for me to worry about. Will he allow us more children, I do not know. I do know that he'll continue to show me all the wonders of this world, as long as I keep seeking him.

I am So Blessed, even in my darkest moments.

A Nation in Crisis

My friend Linda's church is doing this and she blogged about it here. Well I'm taking on this challenge, because like Linda this has been on my heart to do. So will you join me in praying for our nation and our leaders. If you are a Christian we are already called to pray for our leaders, whether we like them or agree with them or not. Here is what Linda wrote:


A Nation in Crisis...

and what we can do about it. It's called Intercessory Prayer.

I've committed, with my church, to "30 Days of Prayer for America". While reading De'Etta's blog Choosing Joy, she talked about how she was feeling led to pray for our country. So I am taking the plunge and sharing 30 Days of Prayer for America" with you. For the next 30 days, we are called to pray for our nation...state by state, leader by leader. Here's what the flier says:

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We're going on an unforgettable journey...

30 Days of Prayer For America

For 30 memorable days, we're going to pray across America. Through the instant access of intercession we will visit every state, every territory, and our nations capital, Washington, DC. Our guide on this unforgettable journey is the Prayer Map of America, a unique resource with an easy-to-follow, day-by-day itinerary.

2008 is a crucial year for America - a year of challenges and, of course, a year of decisions. Of all the things we can do for our country at this historic time, nothing is more important than prayer. If we truly want God to bless America - to stand beside her and guide her - we must pray.

The strategy is simple: Each day for the specifed 30 Days of Prayer for America we will take just a few minutes to pray for that day's requests. There are only two requests per day, so it won't take much time, but it will make a huge impact. The unified effect of believers praying can awaken our nation, renew our church and spiritually transform our lives. This is going to be a great journey. Don't miss it!

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Now - since there's no way I can truly provide you a copy of the map, I will post each day's request here. If you have a map at home, you can find the states you are praying for, and visually connect with them. But even if you don't have a map handy, you can take a few minutes to pray the requests of each day.

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Whenever you come to a request for a specific state or territory in the daily list, remember these priorities:

Pray for the leaders of the state, that God's Spirit would guide them to act justly, serve with integrity and uphold high moral standards.

Pray for the churches of the state, that they would be lighthouses of truth, havens of hope, and centers of love for all people.

Pray for the Christians of the state, that they would be faithful witnesses for Christ, humble servants of God, and positive influences on society

Over the course of the 30-day prayer plan, six national-level requests are each repeated 3 times. These address the Executive, Legislative and Judicial branches of our government. Additionally, there are prayers for our Armed Forces, for America's spiritual renewal, and for candidates for public office. As you remember these requests over the 30 days of prayer, keep in mind the following important details:

Praying for our President and Vice President. They bear responsibilities of enormous importance. Pray that their hearts would be guided by God, that their decisions would be wise, and that their leadership would be principled.

Praying for our Congressional Leaders. The hundreds of men and women who serve in the U.S. Congress - our Representatives and Senators - oversee the nation's legislative business. Pray that they will govern with God-honoring discernment and preserve the freedoms we enjoy as Americans.

Praying for our Justice System. Ours is a nation pledged to justice for all; and though our systems has its imperfections, it is markedly better than most of the world. Millions in our society serve as police officers, prosecutors, defenders and judges. And, in the highest roles, nine individuals serve as Justices on the U.S. Supreme Court. Pray that all of these public servants will be vigilant, discerning and wise.

Praying for our Armed Forces. We are blessed with liberty because brave members of our Armed Forces have fought to keep us free. Today, a new generation of soldiers, sailors, marines airmen and guardsmen are serving gallantly, and we are the beneficiaries. Pray with appreciation for their service, and ask God to bless them with strength.

Praying for Spiritual Renewal. America has many needs, but none more important than a spiritual awakening and a spiritual renewal. Pray for the Gospel to be communicated across the full spectrum of our society. Pray for biblical principles, long dormant, to bear new fruit. Pray that Americans of all ages, races and backgrounds would be drawn to God and receive His life and salvation.

Praying for Candidates for Public Office. In our system of government, we the people select our leaders. This is a great responsibility and we must exercise it wisely and prayerfully. Pray for the candidates for public office, that they would be moved by God to seek what is honorable, just and moral.


PRAYING FOR THE STATES

Listed on most days of the 30-day prayer plan are the names of specific U.S. states or territories. The goal each day is to pray for the leaders, churches and Christians in those places. Following are some key thoughts to guide your intercession.

Praying for Leaders in the State. The Bible instructs us to make requests, prayers, intercession and thanksgiving for all who are in authority, "that we may lead a quiet and peaceable life in all godliness and honesty" (1 Timothy 2:1-2). In our world, this means we are to pray for Governors, Lieutenant Governors and other leaders in authority. Specifically, we should pray that they would act justly, that they would serve with integrity, and that they would uphold moral standards.

Praying for Churches in the State. Churches, of course, are not merely buildings; they are living, active bodies of believers. America is blessed with more than 300,000 churches of all denominations and traditions. As you intercede for these churches, both generally and specifically, pray that they would be lighthouses of truth, havens of hope and centers of love.

Praying for Christians in the State. Jesus said that His followers are to be "salt" and "light" within society. Like salt, they should make others thirsty for the Gospel. Like light, they are to illuminate with the brightness of Christ's love. As you intercede for Christians state-by-state, pray that they will be faithful witnesses of the Gospel, humble servants of Christ, and positive influences within their communities.

Does prayer really make a difference? Yes, it makes an extraordinary difference because God in His unlimited compassion responds to prayer offered in His name. As God's children and followers of Jesus Christ, we must urgently, faithfully pray for our nation and its people. Prayer can affect the course of history and shape the destiny of a nation. As you pray day by day following the plan in the Prayer Map of America you can be sure that your intercession can make a transformational difference.

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So...who's with me in this journey? If you've made it this far, I know you will follow the prayers (and nudge me gently if I forget to post!). I know that you will pray, because you took the time to read all of this. And please, feel free to link to this, or copy and paste it on your blog...if you just read blogs but aren't a blogger, share this through email with those who will pray and make a difference.This is stepping far outside my comfort zone - I'm a Christ-follower, a Christian, a believer...I don't hide that fact...but rarely do I put it out for all the world to see. I may lose readers over this, but it is my strong belief and prayer that others who never read this blog will stick around for the next 30 days and pray for our nation with me.The first prayer will be posted tomorrow.

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Ok, Christy here again. All the above text that started from "A Nation In Crisis" I copy and pasted from Linda's blog. I hope you will join us in praying for our nation and leaders. Right now there are so many that can be "blamed" by the fact is blaming is NOT fixing a thing, prayer can and prayer will. God already knows what is going on, let him HEAR all of us crying out for this country that he has allowed us to be a part of. God HAS most definately blessed our nation and we are NOT worthy of his blessings, but no matter what he hears us and he can't answer us if we don't ask!

I want to say to Linda, I'm so proud of you for again stepping outside of your comfort zone and posting this! God see's this my friend and knows. I love you!

Some Days

When Jordyn died a part of me died too. That is a fact. It's not what most want to talk about, but it's there. Jordyn is my daughter and will be forever. She lived. She made me a mother and taught me a great many things. I learned things about myself I never knew existed. I felt things, I'd never felt (a mother's love to begin with!). When she died I discovered new feelings. Feelings of deep grief, despair, and just a sadness that I can not put into words. I also developed anxiety attacks. They were horrible for a while. I did not get them until after Jacob was born. I did research and went to counceling (I started it in the 2nd year after her death). I was put on medication for the anxiety attacks, it didn't do much and I went off of it. No point in being on meds if they're not working (I was on them for many months too). I was/am blessed to have a best friend who walked through those dark nights and terrible days with me. Who was going through her own nightmare as well. Over time the anxiety attacks lessoned and eventually they just stopped almost all together. But...not completely. For a few yrs they came every 9 months or less. I hadn't had one in probably a year and when Emma was aprox 2 months old I thought I was losing my mind. I do think I had classic baby blues and add on some anxiety. I am totally self diagnosing myself. You see I NEVER thought Emma would be Jordyn. I was not expecting all the emotions I had after having Emma though. Emotions over Jordyn and my new joy in having a daughter, guilt, sadness, etc, etc, etc. I didn't share it with anyone really. Not Chad as I should have. ( I did tell him later, just not when I was going through it at the time), not friends here, not even my two best girlfriends.

Tonight, out of the blue, for no particular reason that I can figure out...anxiety attack showed up. I honestly felt like I could just crawl out of my skin. I'm still dealing with that feeling a little, but it's MUCH better than it was earlier. Maybe this is God's way of reminding me that I need to be depending on him far more than I have lately. He gave me a good reminder last week, yet over the weekend my focus got sidetracked.

Right now I'm praying that God lifts this burden off of me. I'm tired of dealing with this. Isn't 7 1/2 yrs long enough? I know, I know I'm missing something. I'm not giving it all over to God. I get it, I really do. My heart aches at times and I find it difficult to share the depths of that ache. It's over more than Jordyn. It's so much wrapped up. From various regrets and sadnesses of past mistakes, childhood sadness/teenage angst, the obvious death of my beautiful little girl, the joy, honor, and heartache of being an Army wife, etc. etc. etc.
I know we're not supposed to compare ourselves with other women and their walk with Christ. Yet I do. I see some women and feel that horrible tinge of envy. I want to be where they appear to be at. Of course what's going on in their heart could be completely devious to what I'm seeing. I long to write, beautifully, elegantly. Yet so often I find myself stumbling over my written words as much as I feel like I'm stumbling over my vocalized words.

So often I feel lost. Lost in myself. Who I am, who I want to be, and how to be that woman. To be thin and healthy. To be a better wife, a better mother, better teacher to my children, better Christian and Child of God most of all. Too often I look in the mirror and see a woman I am not happy with. A woman who physically disgusts myself. Who lacks so much of what she should have. A woman who puts up a front, because if she opens her heart and people see just how screwed up she is...they're going to run and run fast and hard. What's funny is I always thought of myself as someone who could open her heart and share. I've so often been the one to sit and listen. I would talk, but I'd leave a great deal out. NO ONE knows all of me, other than God and I have not even openly told him everything. He knows because he's omnipensent, not because I've said the words out loud. I am ashamed of things I've done. I know I'm forgiven, but oh why was I so stupid? I know I've broken Christ's heart. I've broken my own.

There are some out there who can tell their deep dark secrets and use it as a testimony. There are times I long for that freedom, yet something holds me back. Fear, guilt, something.
Am I the only one that can be at times surrounded by people, those who love me, pray for me and with me...yet still feel so alone? Am I the only one who feels like more often than not...I'm doing all the listening and none of the talking? There are days, weeks even that'd I'd love to just hide. I never get that opportunity, but I have those moments. I'm feeling that right now. Part of me would love to go to bed and just stay there for days. Sleep as I pleased, no one bothering me, no one talking to me, no one needing something from me. It doesn't happen. It will never happen...not while my children are young anyways. Of course my luck is when I get old, that's just what is going to happen and I'm going to long to be surrounded.

So goes it. I am going to get into the word. Let God hold me tight and rock me to sleep tonight. I need him. I want him.

Army Extending Deployments from 12 to 15 Months

Gates announces longer tours in Iraq - Yahoo! News

Top News- Pentagon Extends Army Tours to 15 Months - AOL News

I'm saddened, frustrated, and angry over this. It's not effecting us immediately but it will in less than 12 months. We have so many friends here and from other posts that are being effected or about to be effected. What's absolutely the most frustrating to me is the fact that this is ONLY effecting the Army. I'd assumed for a long time that the Marine's deployed for 12 months as well, but their average deployment is 7 months, now they are only home for 7 months too, but....either way at this point we're doing 15 months now.

I look at the average AF deployment being 3-4 months, Navy the majority of them don't go to Iraq or Afganistan...again this is AVERAGE not all by any means and I know there's exceptions. I just cried tonight though. Cried for the fact that when Chad does leave he's going to be 15 months with our children, 12 months has been hard enough. I look at some friends who have NEVER been through a deployment or who's spouses when they do deploy never leave the comforts of their base camps. I accept that War is part of our life. I support it. I support our President. Most of all I support my husband and his JOB. He believes in what he's fighting for. Doesn't mean it's easy or that he likes having to do it, but this is the point of a military...to fight wars. No one likes war, but they're part of life, and always have been.

These soldiers who are currently in Iraq and Afganistan need our prayers as do their families as they face an additional 3 months and the soldiers who are about to deploy need our prayers as they prepared for 12 and now have to go there with the realization that it's 15 months instead. A lot of our friends who are about to deploy are currently on block leave and many of them are in area's that they probably have not even heard of this new news and it saddens me that when they come home this is what they'll be facing.

I just really don't understand why the other branches can't extend the additional 3 months, they'd still fall short of the Army's 12 months....but well we will just suck it up and go with it. We have no other choice. I have to remember and remind myself God knew this was going to happen and that it's all in his hands, nothing happens without his permission. Oh how easily I forget that God's got this, oh he's got this.

Keep our soldiers in your prayers.