Brighter Day

Last night was a dark night for me. When I initially started writing last night it was on how blessed I was, and look at how quickly Satan took that and made it into something heart-wrenching and full of sorrow. Well maybe it wasn't heart wrenching to any of you, but it was to me as I poured out my heart and could not even see the screen because of the tears.

The thing is though, I still have those moments, those days where my heart is just pulled outside of me, stomped on, and shoved back inside, with a little twist. It's been 8 years, 8 years since I last held Jordyn, the child who made me a mother, the one who showed me just how far I could go with love (to the ends of the earth), and just how love never dies...ever.

There's obvious regrets, but there's so many more blessings. Jordyn was God's shining moment in my life. If he's ever been more obvious in my life, I totally missed it...because for me she was the crown jewel. He showed me just how deeply I could love as well as hurt...most of all how much I could trust in him. He didn't answer my prayers the way I WANTED, but he answered them none the less (that answer btw was no). He did though keep her safe. I know she's loved and well taken care of and not a day goes by that I have to worry about her. She's with Jesus!

Sometimes we have to go through the darkness of the night to see just how bright the morning really is. Last night was a VERY dark night, and God's shown me once again just how brightly he can and does shine.

You see he's blessed me beyond all measures. He allowed me to have Jordyn, even if for a short moment. I can promise you this, even knowing the ending....sure I'd have changed some details there, but even if it was the same ending...I'd have done it all over again, because those 2 yrs 1 month and 8 days were the most blessed days of my life. God's blessed me with an amazing husband who puts up with far more than he deserves. He's given me grace over and over. He loves me like no man can love. God's given me 3 other children (so far) and they're amazing. He gave me Jacob when he knew without a doubt a girl would not have been in my (or Chad's) best interest. He gave us Jack, to show us he knew exactly what he was doing and it was HIS will NOT ours. He gave us Emma, after such deep prayer and telling him the desires of my heart. What is in the future is not for me to worry about. Will he allow us more children, I do not know. I do know that he'll continue to show me all the wonders of this world, as long as I keep seeking him.

I am So Blessed, even in my darkest moments.

I'm a good mom. I recognize this. I love my children, I teach my children (literally), I enjoy my children. What I struggle with is being a good wife. I love my husband don't get me wrong. He frustrates me at times to no end. But I struggle being a Godly wife. I struggle being submissive. I struggle with intimacy. Yes I said it. I struggle with it. Because of that I see sadness and rejection in my husband's eyes. That's not ok. God tells us that this is a gift between a husband and a wife. That it's supposed to be joyful for both of us. That it's a gift I give to my husband and he gives to me. That it's a comforting measure. I have not see it in that light for a long time. The thing I notice is that many of the women and friends I have, are like me in that we see it as a chore.

In my PWOC class it's on Initmacy Issues. Let me tell you right now, last term I was in the wrong class. I thought I was supposed to be there, but it wasn't right. I hadn't listened to GOD, but went with what I thought I wanted/needed. I was wrong. So I ended up being in a place where God did not intend for me to be in. This time, I went kicking and screaming into my class. I honestly would rather be in the parenting book class that's being offered or even the class about keeping my big mouth shut...but no that's not where God wants me to be. Lovely is all I could think when I realized this was the class God intended for me. God has been convicted me daily, and if that's not a testimony that I'm supposed to be in this class, nothing is! Chad LOVES this class! ROFL

I have a long ways to go, I mean a loooooooooooooooooooooong way. I do like the book. It's an easy and short read, it's just that even with that it's got me in a corner that I'm trying to get out of. I don't WANT to talk to Chad about this class, yet it's exactly what I am supposed to do. Grrrr! LOL Let me tell you, it's rather a pain sometimes when we follow God's will. But ultimately I know if I do this, my marriage will be so much more than it already is.

Chad's going to be heading out to the field here shortly. He'll be gone for a full month. It stinks, but that's life you know. Then before we know it, he'll be heading off for the big sandbox. It makes me sad. Sad that my husband is going to be gone. Sad that our children will be missing Daddy and that he'll be missing them. Sad that he'll miss out on these daily normalcy's, sad that he'll miss the special moments in our lives as well. By the time he gets home Jack will be turning 6 yrs old. Emma will be 2. Hard to imagine my sweet, beautiful 6 month old (tolday) will be 2 by the time her Daddy gets home.

This is the Army life. It's not always easy, but it's still our life and I wouldn't change it!