It's Part of Life

So as long as I can remember I've had that ability to cry over any and everything, up until the last couple of years, and well the tears don't come all that often. It's been a strange experience for me honestly. I've heard some heartbreaking stories at PWOC of women I care deeply about and there have been times where the tears have no come. Now if you're not naturally one who cries easily, you may think "yeah, big deal" but if you're like me and cry easily, you can see where this is well a little freaky. I really believe God's taken the weepiness from me, but he's been allowing some of it to come back a bit at a time.

So tonight in my very,very pregnant state (we're talking only weeks now from having this baby) I sent a friend of mine a message on facebook. She's leaving right at the same time I'm going to be having this baby. She's been so excited for our family, she rubs my belly and is constantly talking to the baby and constantly stating that she believes firmly this is a girl and honestly if it's not, I think she'll be devestated! LOL Anyways, as I wrote to her, tears filled my eyes as the very well known reality for me hit my heart that one of my dearest friends will most likely not be here when this baby is placed in my arms.

Now I've been an Army wife for 15 years and I know the Army is a small "world", but there are friends you just don't run into again....you may keep in touch on facebook or email, but there are friends you'll simply never be stationed with again. It hurts. We only have a couple more years until retirement, we know where we plan to retire (yes we realize that God may have different plans and if so we'll follow him). The thing is, this friend is leaving in a few weeks and we'll never be stationed together again, most likely. Army life isn't always easy. Deployments are not easy, some duty stations are not the best, some units well they just suck to be a part of, and saying "good-bye" or "see you later" to friends is HARD.

Tonight the tears flowed so easily as I thought of my friend leaving. I know other Army and well military wives in general deal with this. So tonight for you non-military readers as you go to bed think of and pray for military families who have to say goodbye to good friends. Our lives are our choices in many ways (the soldiers, etc didn't HAVE to sign the dotted line, but they chose to and I hope you're all thankful they did to protect all of us and fight for what's right)...even when you know the life you're in, that saying goodbye is part of that life and saying it often, it doesn't mean it hurts any less to say goodbye to that precious friend. If you learn anything as a military family it's make friends fast and love them deeply, because you don't know how long you're going to have them in your day to day life before you or them are off to a new duty station.

Letting it out

My husband and I go on walks at night, just a short mile walk, but it's our time to talk and get some light excercise, which at 8 months and the speed we're going at, makes me have to stop about 3/4 the way through to catch my breath! Last night as we walked, I poured my heart out to him of how I don't understand why I react so explosively at times. Chad stopped and said "I do, our daughter died in your arms". Whew, here come the tears again. I changed the moment she left this earth for Heaven. I struggle with anger and rage taking over me. I LOVE Jesus. I KNOW Jordyn's safe in his arms. I changed though. We walked with her through 14 months of fighting Acute Myeloid Leukemia, we walked through chemotherapy being pushed into our baby girl (she was 6 days from 1 yr at diagnosis), to irradiation and the heaviest of heaviest of chemo's going into her to destroy her immune system in preperation for her bone marrow transplant. We didn't feel the physical pain of the chemo and irradiation, but we went through the helpless feeling of not being able to fix it for her, to prevent her from pain, or being able to keep her completely safe. We had to put poison in her in hopes to save her life. I will NEVER know what it felt like for Jordyn, only what it felt like as her Momma, who was scared to death that she'd die...and that fear became my reality. I heard myself scream a scream no mother should ever have to hear come from her, a deep groaning of despair and heartache, that I truly believe there are no words for. We're now almost 12 years since we said Goodbye to our beautiful Jordyn, and not a day goes by that I don't think of her and miss her. Her death changed my soul.

I have grown over the years to trust and love the Lord more than I ever did. I'm also still full of the what if's and maybe's. I look at my children and see their sister in them so often and it makes my heart soar as well as brings it such pain. They KNOW her and love her in their hearts. I was newly pregnant with Jacob when Jordyn died. I found out I was pg with him 8 days after she died. He was not planned by Chad and I at all, but I know he was by GOD.

I have a great deal of anger towards my parents over Jordyn's diagnosis and death, but most of all towards myself. My parents are smokers and during my pregnancy we spent almost every weekend at my parents, exposing myself, and there for Jordyn who was growing in my womb to their 2nd hand poison. After Jordyn was born, Chad left 8 days later for Germany. We had to get her passport for us to travel and as soon as he arrived to his new unit, he found out he was deploying. If I could change anything about that time, I would NOT have moved into my parents house. It's now known that 2nd hand and yes 3rd hand (via the womb) cigerette smoke is linked to causing pediatric aml leukemia. I HATED growing up in a house of smokers, it was horrible, I was sick every winter with bronchitis, I always felt like I couldn't breath, and of course without a doubt I know I stunk horribly from their smoke being on my clothes,skin, and hair. Then I did what I never thought I'd do..I moved my baby and self into that house, until I could join my husband.

I can't change the past. I know I have got to forgive myself and my parents. I'm struggling with that still almost 12 years later. I don't want to hurt like this anymore. I don't want anger to just be under the surface. I want to truly be filled with joy and show my children that joy, that comes only from the Lord. I'm praying and so is Chad on this struggle that I have.

I realize this may seem all over the place, if it's not, great, but it's how it feels right now. So if it is, please forgive me. I know it's time I hand this all over completely to Jesus and not take it back. As heavy as my heart is, I know I have hope in all of this. I know that I have Jesus and that he'll substain me and he'll love me through this.

Cardboard testimony

We're an Army family and one of the greatest blessings that's come to me as an Army wife has been PWOC. I knew of PWOC slightly when I was invited once by a friend, when Jordyn was alive, at Ft. Belvoir. We went for the first half, and when they split off for bible studies we went home. I had no idea then, what I was missing out on and have no doubt it would have been a blessing for me, even if I would have only been able to go from time to time, because of chemo treatments, etc. I didn't really know too much about it over all though, until we got to Germany, and I'd been encouraged by a few friends from our home church to go to PWOC once we got here. As soon as I got here, I saw signs posted all over post about the PWOC kick off. The kick off was great, it was the 50th year of PWOC, which was started in Germany shortly after WWII and ladies wanted a fellowship/bible study. It's developed so much over the years and I'm sure beyond anything those beautiful women could have imagined and I hope it's all they could have dreamed now. It has spread beyond Army wives and is now on all military bases and posts, all branches, throughout the whole world!!

Since moving here, I've been on the board 4 times. It's been a blessing for me, at times very trying, joyful and tearful. Each board is unique and you're not going to agree with everyone on the board or how it's run. (Which is when you might have that tearful year). But it's always, always been a huge blessing for me, because here's the thing. It's not about me, or the other women there, whether we agree with each other about how things are being run behind the scenes or not. What matters is that it's all about Jesus and what I can say is that every year it's come down to being all about Jesus. When he's the focus, when it's always brought back to him...he's redeemed and he'll redeem you.

So...today was our spring kickoff for PWOC. In the fall the board all did Card board testimonies (if you don't know what this is, please do a search they're amazing It won't let me include the link tonight). It was moving, beautiful, and raw. Some were shocking, some were telling, all were those ladies truths and redemption. Today for the Spring kickoff we did more Cardboard testimonies. I had such peace when they'd asked for volunteers from the body before the end of the fall session, so I'd volunteered after praying. Then began praying on what I was to share. God spoke to me quickly, and let me tell you I wasn't too thrilled with what he wanted me to share, but it was part of my truth and of I WAS, and God allowed me to fall on my face to come to him. I had no nervousness until those of us who were sharing got into line and prepared to go in front of the ladies in that room. I thought I was going to get sick. I was baring a sin that I hadn't shared with a lot of people. But there I was, leading the pack. I left the stage in tears, full of so many emotions, that words could not cover. Most of all, so much thankfulness that God has forgiven me and he loves me.

I have to remind myself over and over again, that I'm forgiven. God does not hold my transgressions against me. He loves me. He see's me for who I am and for who I will still become. Just writing about this, has my heart racing again. I am free though, free in and through Christ. I don't know how anyone lives a day without Jesus. I am so thankful for his grace, mercy, forgiveness, and love.

Goals

I'm almost 30 weeks pregnant and what that means is in less than 2 months I'll be holding a newborn in my arms. I have c-sections, all of mine have been c-sections and although I do wish I could have experienced a vaginal birth, honestly the most important thing to me is not how the baby entered the world from my body, but that the Lord has allowed me to bring a new life into this world. I'm brought to tears just thinking about it, yep tears are forming now. I truly get how blessed I am. I've had many friends and family members who have or are dealing with fertility issue's and I'm so thankful I've never had to deal with that. My heart truly ACHES for women who their hearts desire is to feel their baby move inside their womb, or to just feel a child to call their own in their arms. This pregnancy has been very easy for me and I'm thankful for that. I am also aware that because I've NEVER experienced such an easy pregnancy that God could simply be preparing me for a baby who possibly doesn't sleep, has colic, or something. I'm praying that, that's not the case, but if so...we'll get through it one way or another, but without a doubt with God's grace!

With all the preparation of welcoming our newest child, I've been thinking of the near future and some goals I'm setting for myself. I am a fat girl. I'm not hiding this fact. I have not always been fat. I used to be a very in shape, healthy weight, confident with my body (tooooo confident) kind of girl. I could give you all the reasons and excuses on why I've allowed all this weight to be put on my body, and those reasons are important for "me" but not so much for the rest of the world. What I do know is that I'm done being fat. I'm done being winded going up and down the stairs a couple times, not being able to have the energy to do everything I want. I want to be healthy, lower my chances of various cancers, be a good example for my children. I KNOW I can do this and will do it. So once I'm healed from my c-section I'm going to start running. It'll be a process, which at the moment I'm planning on using the C25K plan. I really think this will work the best for me in building up my ability to run and plan that once I can run a 5 K without stopping I can work myself up to a 10 K and so on. It makes me excited that for the first time in years I'm going to be healthy.

Another goal for this year is to take at least one picture a day. I'm an ammateur photographer in the truest sense. I do not believe for a second that I'm in any way or form a professional at all. I have a nice dslr camera and I'm ready to really it's capabilities, which I have a friend who IS a professional photographer and has a gorgeous portfolio, and in no way do I think I'm going to be where she is anytime soon, I'm looking forward to seeing improvements in my photography. My love is taking pictures of my family and the beautiful places we travel to. I want to be able to take the best pictures possible, so hopefully this year as I share my photo's you'll see improvements.

So I have 2 completely attainable goals for this year. Two goals I'm so excited about, yet feel confident I can do. I have friends and family who are in my corner and keeping me accountable on both! I'm so thankful to the Lord for all he's brought into my life and taken out of it.

So Excited!!

Last Wednesday our family made the 2 1/2 hr drive up North and saw my best Army wife friend, "B" and her family. They moved away 3 years ago, were stationed in Arizona, and this past fall they moved back. I was patient in trying to let them get settled once they had housing, then they got their Household Goods quickly after moving into their apartment, and I waited for them to be able to get their home set up...then it was Thanksgiving, Jacob was in the play, and various other scheduling committments and well the fact that they are 2 1/2 hrs away, so last Wednesday we finally made the trip. Her husband "T" and Chad get along great and our kids are all great friends. Jacob and their son were best friends when they were here, and Jack loved him too. Emma and D were both still in the 1 year age range when they left, but were instantly best friends! As we were all in our respective vehicles heading to the Christmas market in their town, Chad said "Isn't it great to have them back. So nice that we're all friends and it feels like they were never gone".

Well, here we are now, and they're coming down and spending the next 4 days with us! We've been cleaning and organizing. Thankfully they're the kind of friends I know my house doesn't have to be perfect for, but I want it to look as good as possible! I'm so excited to have them here and to get to spend some real time with "B"!! I feel so grateful that God brought B and her family back to Germany and that we're close enough to spend time together!!


Thank you, Lord for bringing my best friend back.

Enjoying the Season we're in....WINTER and SNOW!

It's snowing in our part of Germany and from my various friends throughout Germany, it seems to be snowing all over! Our family loves snow. I love taking my kids out in it and playing and watching their faces as they see the beautiful white stuff covering the ground. So often it seems people moan and groan and do nothing but complain about it, they just want summer, of course in the summer they complain about the heat and how they wouldn't mind some snow. Why can't we be thankful and simply find joy in the season we're in? We all go through various seasons and at different times. There are the weather seasons of Spring, Summer, Fall, and Winter. Then there are the seasons of life that God allows us to walk through and sometimes instead of slowing down and living in that season and recognizing that God's allowing us to go through it, we want to run and rush through it. Young mothers who are exhausted because the baby has colic or doesn't sleep well at night (which why any young mother would think her newborn is going to sleep through the night is beyond me....while in the womb when are they most active?? AT NIGHT it just makes sense that they'd be awake at night when they enter this world!!), we want to rush through each season of life and then before we know it, it's over and we long for it back, or worse we don't and we've completely missed out on the blessing of that season of life, GOD allowed us to have.

I am challenging myself daily to enjoy the season God has me in. We ALL have rough days. We all have days that we just have to "get through", but if we find ourselves feeling like that day in and day out for weeks to months to even years on end, we need to really look at ourselves and ask what it is we can change. Normally it's our own attitude about the situtation or the season we're in. I try hard to not wish my days away. I have a home with children ranging from 10 to 19 months and one in the womb. I'm in a season where God's allowed us to continue to live in Germany for the last 6 1/2 years (and love it). I don't want to look back when my children are grown and think "why did I wish those days away"? I love watching, teaching, and playing with my children. I want to play in the snow, dance in the rain, basking in the sun, raking and jumping in the leaves. I don't want to miss a moment. So today, we've played in the snow, we're now cuddled together waiting for lunch to finish, watching Polar Express, and you know I love these moments.

Slowing Down

Jacob was in a play/musical production here on our little post at our award winning theater. They just finished up on Sunday, Oliver! They did 8 weeks of rehersals and 2 weeks/8 total shows. It was amazing. Jacob was an orphan and a pick pocket: Tom White. I was so proud of him. The first two weeks of rehearsal, he was still playing football, so there has been no down time since August and let me tell you, I'm READY!!

We have tried so hard to be a family that is not over-extended/too busy, yet sometimes it just happens. Jacob wanted to play basketball, but I had to make a hard decision and say no. We just need this break. Jack's still in Tae Kwon Do and Emma's in ballet, and they're all in AWANA. That's enough for right now. Nothing that goes past 5:30, allows us to sit down and have dinner together as a family every night.

I am now over 6 months pregnant. We are so blessed with each of our children and this baby has been such a surprised blessing. We didn't plan for this baby yet, just as we didn't plan for Jacob...yet God knows best and we know this baby is loved by GOD and loved by us and we're so thrilled for her or him to make his/her appearance in a couple of months. This is our 6th child and I have to tell you that feeling the kicks and punches from this little one, is just as amazing as with our first one. There's no way to describe how it feels. I wish every woman who ever wanted to, could experience the joy of pregnancy. I didn't really enjoy my first two pregnancy's. With our oldest, I was just so excited to have her, I was more focused on her being born and being with us. With our second, I was in such deep grief over the death of Jordyn that finding joy in his kicks was not to be found in my heart. I made a mental recognition that I WOULD find joy in my pregnancy and just enjoy it with our 3rd and it was amazing how different his pregnancy was. With our 4th I made sure to just enjoy her, and again with 5 and now 6. It is a mental choice. I have had severe morning sickness, I was sick the whole pregnancy with Emma and Noah (5/6) but I still found joy in my pregnancy every day. I still was thankful to GOD for the blessing of the pregnancy. Some women only get the joy of pregnancy of feeling the life of their child, so how dare I not enjoy that blessing...because here's a fact: I do not know what the life of this little one is going to be. My goodness I never could have imagined our little girl would be diagnosed with AML leukemia at 6 days from turning 1 year old. I never could have imagined 14 months later she'd be in he arms of Jesus. We have to enjoy each day that the Lord gives us.
I want to make sure we don't ever get too busy that we can't be thankful for the days we have.
I'm so thankful that the Lord has led our family to homeschool. I'm thankful that I get to spend every day with our children. There are frustrating days, don't get me wrong, but it's still a blessing. I don't have to share my children with strangers who are helping to mold their minds, it's my job.

I hope that if you're in a time of busy, busy...go,go,go. That you can just take a minute and slow down, look around your home and Thank the Lord. Thank HIM. Just thank Him.

I Am....

I am not perfect.
I'm a sinner.
I hurt and I have hurt.
I love and am loved.
I can be down right mean,
spiteful, ugly on the inside.
I speak my mind: sometimes too often
sometimes not often enough.
Rarely do people have to wonder
what I think about something.
I think dogs dressed in clothes
look stupid.
I don't think dogs are "fur babies/children, etc".
I think dogs are pets, that's it.
I offend people with my:
beliefs, values, thoughts, words, actions.
I get offended by others:
beliefs, what I see as lack of values
thoughts, words, and actions.
I love being a mom.
It is hard and I often feel like I suck at being one.
I love being a wife.
It's hard and often know I suck at it.
I HATE cleaning and really HATE doing laundry (the whole miserable process).
I'm lazy.
I'm fat.
I dream that I'm still skinny (like literally dream it)
I want better for my children than what I sometimes give them.
I want to love them better.
I want to love my husband better.
I want to love GOD better.
I think those who are not Christians are idiots.
Yes I just wrote that. I just offended people.
There are times I don't care that I offended them
and think that it's their problem and something THEY need to get over.
I judge people.
I am judged and hate it.
I'm a hypocrit.
I love.
I hurt
I am not perfect.
I'm a Christian.
I fail God daily and often multiple times a day.
I'm not perfect.
I'm a sinner.
I love Jesus.
I fail him daily.
I wish the world would do what I think is right and just.
It never does.
I think a lot of people are annoying.
I can be fake.
I'm me.
Some like me
Some don't.
Some love me.
Some hate me.
I'm Christy.....a woman who loves: Jesus, my husband, my children, my extended family, my friends, U.S.A, and Germany.
I'm Christy....a woman who fails daily, who can hurt others and be hurt by them just the same. A woman who sins, judges,
I'm Christy....I'm not perfect, but I'm loved by the one who I need to be loved by the most....Jesus.

Thanks Giving is approaching!

I love Thanksgiving and am so looking forward to it!! I am a traditionalist when it comes to our feast. I also guess you could say it's one of the few times during the year I'm a control freak a little (this would include, Christmas and Easter). Last year we had a friend come with her family for Thanksgiving and she brought the stuffing/dressing (well she made it here) and Chad was not a happy man, he loves mine...that's it (well my mom's as well, since it's her recipe).
We're HOPING and PRAYING that my best Army wife friend, who lives about 2 1/2 hours away and just moved back to Germany last month. We're still waiting to see if they're going to make it here or not. We're also having a couple single soldier friends over for dinner. Here's our menu:

Turkey (25 lb...yep it's BIG)
Ham (just a small little one)
Homemade Dressing (although we call it stuffing, it does not go into the bird)
Homemade noodles (using the broth from the turkey...mmmm!)
Artisan Bread (I just recently started making this and my family LOVES it!)
Greenbean casserole (not that nasty healthy version either, the classic good one! LOL)
Gravy from the turkey broth
Mashed potatoes
Corn
Cranberry Sauce (sadly from the can, my kids love it)
We'll have a cheese and veggie platter for appetizers
Deviled Eggs (Chad will be making these....yuck to me!)
Pumpkin and Chocolate Pies
I feel like I'm forgetting something, but think that's everything.

I LOVE and I do mean cooking this meal. I make the same thing for Christmas and Easter. It's what I grew up having and love the tradition of it. I make my pies Wednesday, the goal this year is to have them done Wednesday by 3 PM. I will make the bread on Wednesday as well, well the starter for it, then it'll just have to rise for 2 hours and bake for 30 minutes, it can rise between 2 to 5 hours so I'll be able to pull it out in the morning and stick it in the oven right before we're ready to eat, plus it makes 3 loaves, so it should be plenty of bread!
I cook my turkey all night long, on 200 heat, then in the morning you wake up and your whole house smells of turkey (mmmm, nothing like it!) then I have my oven free for everything else throughout the morning and early afternoon and just brown it up the hour before we'll be ready to eat!

My love for cooking this meal is how much my family loves it. How it lasts us for a few days afterwards (no cooking for a few days afterwards!! Wahoo!), and well lets get real here...how good it is! I can remember the first time I made a turkey on my own, we were stationed 13 years ago in Baumholder, Germany....it was our first Thanksgiving now with family. I was so nervous and called my mom at LEAST 5 or more times, so scared I was going to ruin everything. We had a ton of people over, 2 families, and I think 10 single soldiers. The only mishap was the pumpkin pie, one of the pies (out of 2) I used the frozen pit crusts, and left the plastic lid in one of them and poured the pie filling right on top! LOL But it amazingly didn't melt and Chad happily had a pie to himself! We had thankfully served the other pie first and between the pumpkin, chocolate, and a cake a friend brought we never cut into that 2nd pie until everyone else had left and we discovered my foul up! LOL We still laugh about that. I hope everyone has a funny mess up from a big Thanksgiving dinner that they and their spouse can laugh about for years to come.

One thing I have learned, is I like being the cook. I don't want to share any of the responsibility! I want to be the only one to cook it all, if someone wants to bring an appetizer or a side dish I didn't plan to make, or dessert...I'm good with that, but I want the "heavy cooking" left to me. I know it's selfish, I just seriously love it. Plus we've discovered, if someone makes their stuffing/dressing differently than yours and it's not good...well it's kind of disappointing lol.

We have also went to serving it buffet style. It's just easier for us, when we have so much food and more than just our famly at the table, goodness with all that food, it's still easier to have it buffet style with just our family!

So what are your family food traditions, any other traditions? We go around our table and share our Thanks to God for various things throughout the year, depending on the friends, we'll play cards or a boardgame as adults and the kids normally are playing, if it's not too cold they'll playoutside for a while, if it's been snowing, they'll go sledding, watch a movie (normally a Thanksgiving or Christmas one). Lots of family time and laughter and praising GOD. Is there anything better?

Heaven Gained an amazing woman

I got a call this afternoon from my mom. My "step" Grandma (step is such a loose word, as that was NEVER EVER EVER how she treated us or how I felt about her.) Her first name is Nona and it's always what I called her. My Grandpa married her when I was a junior in high school. Nona was an angel on earth. No she wasn't perfect, but she was perfect for my Grandpa and our family. She had a beautiful heart and had no problem speaking her thoughts either.

She died in her sleep last night. My sweet precious Grandpa is who I'm aching for the most. His first wife, who's my mom and her brothers mom, died when she was only 23 years old. My mom was 2 and her brother was 1. He remarried with in a year or so, to a woman who he and my grandma had known and used to play cards with her and her (ex) husband. The woman who ultimately raised my mother was not a kind woman. She brought 4 boys into the marriage, Grandpa had 2, and together they had 1 (son). My mom was the only girl. She was pretty classicaly treated like Cinderella to put it lightly. When I was in the 2nd grade she had a heart attack, she was taken to the hospital and had surgery and when the dr came out to tell Grandpa the surgery went well, she went into cardiac arrest and died. He was alone for 10 years. He never dated, worked for Sante Fe Railroad, and was a devoted Grandpa. When he met Nona a joy came into his life that's so hard to explain. He'd always been a happy man, but this was a whole new happiness. It was a joy deep in his soul. Both are devoted Christians and very active in their church. When they got married there was never a moment that my brother or I felt like we were "step" Grandkids. She simply loved us.

I miss her and have missed her since we've been living in Germany and now knowing I'll never get to see or talk to her again, my heart breaks. We're working right now on trying to get our passports renewed so we can get back to the states for the funeral and to spend time with my Grandpa.

Please be in prayer for my Grandpa and all my family.