Thank you for your comments and love and support. I was definitely having a hard day, they come and go and I know that as long as Satan is in this world, that will come and go, but the one thing I have to cling to, no cleave to...is my Savior....Jesus Christ. Do you know him? If the answer is Yes, so wonderful, the bigger question though is "Do you have a relationship with him?" If you answered no to the first question, I would love to pray with you, share with you about the Lord I know, I love, and can NOT live without. If you answered yes to the first but no to the 2ND part of that question, I'd love to pray with you and walk with you as you develop a relationship with him.

You may or may not know my story. I'm more than an Army wife and mom to soon to be 5 children. When people look at me what they see is an Army wife and Mom of 3 soon to be 4, because our oldest daughter is in Heaven with Jesus right now. I've known the depths of grief and heartache. I still deal with those, but even on my worst days I know I have hope, because I have Christ to lean on. I know that when my heart is literally aching for Heaven so I can be with my Lord and my girl, my Savior is right beside me holding me as I weep. It's been 9 1/2 years since I last held Jordyn. It's been 9 1/2 years since cancer, leukemia (AML leukemia) killed my 2 year old little girl. Although it's been 9 1/2 years, somedays it feels like yesterday that I last held her in my arms as she took her last breath. But even on those days where it feels like yesterday and I can't breath and my heart is heavy, I have hope that tomorrow will be better.

I hope each of you have the Hope you can ONLY have in Jesus Christ, if you don't I'd love to pray for you.

In His.....

Crying Out

I'm truly curious how many people hide their true feelings, how many skip the little and even the big details of their life happenings, because it really doesn't feel like anyone, besides GOD cares. He's the only one that ultimately matters the most, yet I think we ALL desire to have others not only listen to the big, little, and mundane things in our life...but to CARE and actually WANT to hear about it all.
I don't want to have a pity party here, I want to be really honest. I feel really, really lonely. I started thinking about this last night and it's just eating at me. Chad's not asked me any details on how my week went last week. I will give him the benefit of insanity. He took on the huge task of changing rooms and we're still literally in the midst of that decision of moving toys, laundry, and other effects between the two rooms, as well as getting laundry done that's out of control, etc. Yet, to be completely honest it hurts that he has not asked me once. I've had a couple friends ask how it went, yet maybe it's just me, but it doesn't feel like they really want to know all the details. I know this is Satan, telling me "you're not important. Nothing you have to say really means that much. Other people are far more interesting, intelligent, funny, beautiful, kind, honest, pure, lovely. You are none of those things." I get that those are from Satan. I know it, but wow it's hard to push him out. I keep praying to HEAR GOD tell me that I'm "loved, important, wonderfully made"...I'm struggling to hear him right now. I often feel like I'm in this battle alone. I often feel like I'm supposed to be the person that everyone can come to, but that I get to share a little and then it's time to shut up. Or I find myself being honest say on facebook and then getting slammed by someone who's not spoken to me hardly at all since college (we went to high school together), telling me how wrong my walk is with Christ and how she has 2 Christian friends who do it right because they don't share OUTLOUD their walk, but do it quietly and how when I'm honest and yes even maybe ugly in my opinions, that I'm just not showing I'm a "good Christian". Let me just say this: "Ouch". She doesn't know me, but takes my 2 strong opinions that I've shared and just shoved my face and my heart right into the ground and then stomped all over it. It's made ME feel that I have to be one way or I'm dettering someone's walk with Christ. I don't EVER want to be a person that pushes someone away from Christ, yet part of me really wants to ask "when do YOU take responsibility for your OWN WALK?" Maybe I'm wrong, most likely I am wrong in that thought, in that opinion.

I am crying out to JESUS right now. I long for him. I ache for him. I want to feel him close to me. I want to know I'm not alone in this life, especially when I feel so alone (like right now).

Just The Way You Are

I came across this this video on Heather's blog. Isn't this what we all want to hear, isn't this exactly what our daughter's deserve to hear from us as parents?! What a promise of truth, we're beautiful just the way GOD made us! God whispers this to us constantly, that we're beautiful just the way he made us and we don't need all the extra's of hair die, makeup, hair straighteners, curling irons, face lifts, etc. GOD made us in HIS IMAGE, which makes us perfectly beautiful just the way we are. Does that mean I'm not going to use make up ever again, no...it does mean though that it's not going to make me "more or better" because of it. Nothing I do on the outside is going to change who I am on the inside, and most of all it will not change how GOD see's me!
I'm blessed to have a Father who loves me just the way I am. ("Father=GOD....father=my earthly dad). I have a husband who loves how I look with and without make up, with and without my hair done up. I am more blessed than I could have ever imagined, and I want that for Emma and any other future daughters...for her (them) to know they're always beautiful...inside and out no matter what they do and don't do with make up or hairstyles or clothing (although we'll be teaching her to dress modestly). I want that same lesson for our boys too. For them to know we love them just the way they are, just as GOD created them.

Worship and Study...PWOC Style

I had the most amazing week this past week! I am on our local board for PWOC (Protestant Women of the Chapel) which is a miilitary wide women's bible study, which began 54 years ago here in Germany, by some wonderful Army wives who felt the need to have an official bible study!! Since moving here I've been a part of our local chapter of PWOC and have been blessed all over the place and am so thankful. Last week was the annual Worship and Study. We stay at a 4 Star Hotel, our local chapter is VERY blessed because none of the 8 of us who went had to pay a single dime for our accomadations or the event itself. A Christian book store comes so we all have the opportunity to pick up (for one dear friend even SMELL) and look at books and other items we want to purchase (and purchase I did! LOL). We had a special singer who's husband is retired Air Force and a special speaker (writer/speaker) Cindi Woods. Then we had smaller classes we took. On Tuesday I took a great class that was all about ice breakers and different sorts of games to play and get to know the ladies in our local chapter of PWOC. We had another small group class that day, which was learning the signing (sign language) to our PWOC song of the year "Sing To The King", well that would have to be my BIG disappointment of the year, the lady mixed different signing versions, didn't really actually TEACH, but would turn on the song and start signing and we had to try to learn that way. I left that class frustrated and not knowing it, and my friend who's not an expert at signing, but does it pretty well, was so frustrated by all of it since she's the one who KNEW the lady was mixing things up, not giving the correct signs. So that class was a bust. We then had a general session with the special music and speaker, the speaker was an author/speaker: Cindi Woods. She was ok. Everyday she seemed to get better and better.
The other two small group classes I took over the next two days was "Preparing to be the Bride" I LOVED this class and wish the lady who taught it was stationed here in Germany, but her husband ( a chaplain) is of course retired and they live in the states. I took tons of notes and was just so moved by that class. The last class was on "Becoming a Bold Prayer Warrior"...one word: WOW! Not a single woman in that class left there dry eyed. It was the most moving, emotional, and powerful class I took. There were 3 other women from our group in the class with me and we all just left there almost stunned with emotion. We truly released it all over to GOD, I know without a doubt that I have NEVER allowed myself to go to GOD in the way I did! The teacher literally prayed over every single one of us, and wouldn't let us leave with out one last small prayer and hug! It was amazing. I still get chills just thinking about that class. Oh I wish each and everyone of you, that you could have experienced that class, most of all...that experience with GOD and with other women who love the LORD! There was a woman singing praises to GOD, speaking praises to Jesus loudly, one speaking in tongues, all of us crying. I hope, truly hope that each of you have this experience with GOD, through prayer...through conversation and love for our Lord, Jesus Christ.

I came home and it's like coming down from a high. My husband took on a task that was far more than he expected. He decided to switch our bedroom with our rooms, and paint what is now our new room! He's still not done! LOL He has until Wednesday night to finish things, because housing comes to check all the fire alarms and making sure they're working properly! Today I got my living room cleaned up, Chad removed totes that were in the boys room out of the kitchen (yes you read that right, he put them in the kitchen! LOL). Tomorrow the boys and I will be getting the dining room, kitchen, and bathroom cleaned and I'll be doing laundry, we have lots of laundry. Have I mentioned how much I dislike laundry? My #1 detested household chore.

It's Fall Fest time!! :)

Well this Kansas girl got her Wizard of Oz theme! Emma aka Dorothy got into Jack's, Scarecrow makeup and she got a HUGE glob all over her face, on the front of her shirt, dress, and then when we got home found there was some on the back. It'll come out, but let me just say that when I discover it 10 minutes before we were heading out the door, I flipped out, started crying, and thankfully Chad got it all out, while I put the silver make up on Jacob (The Tin Man).

Other than that little mess, all went wonderfully. Everyone loved our theme and the costumes. I didn't make them, I can't sew (wish I could and will learn one of these days). We had a lot of fun though. The Chapel and MWR (Moral, Welfare, and Recreation) sponsored it, so no scary or inappropriate costumes!! So it's a safe and truly fun event and alternative to Halloween.

Field Trip

We went on a field trip today! We drove over to Coburg, which is about 45 minutes from our post and went to the Veste. The Veste is a castle which is really great in itself, as you can explore a ton of the rooms (fairly rare and even take pictures although w/o a flash...so for me not great photo's although I did take them and will have them up Wednesday..that's my goal!). What's even more fascinating about Veste is that Martin Luther (you know the Reformer of the Luthern/Protestant church?!) he hid there for 6 months.
The castle is over 500 years old. Our family has been there once before. This time though it was just the kids and I and other homeschool families from our post, and we had a guided tour (in English of course).

It's always amazing and so humbling that we live in a place that is so full of history. From the way we practice our religion and worship our Lord Jesus. The wars that have ravaged this country, this continent. We literally live in history, the beauty of it and the ugliness of it. We live in the land of castles and cathedrals (more commonly known as Doms). It's stunning and humbling all at the same time.

Chad and I truly believe GOD brought us to Germany for this time in our life and we love it here, we love to travel, explore, and learn. We're also so humbled that he wants us to learn lessons here, in such great beauty and sadness. We live in a country that over 60 years ago Hitler ruled. I have friends who's grandparents were alive during WWII and shared some stories. Last spring during PWOC in the bible study class I took we were talking about WWII and the concentration camps and how it wasn't that the German's didn't know what was going on, and it wasn't that they weren't speaking up, but that they COULDN'T speak up, without the knowledge that they too would be arrested and taken to a prison camp themselves. Can you imagine knowing the horrors that were happening in your backyard, but not being able to actually tell anyone what was happening, because those in charge were the ones guilty of those horrors. Honestly it wasn't anything I'd ever thought about or truly considered.

I'm humbled and grateful for where GOD's brought us, and humbled to think of where he'll take us next.

Flashback Music Friday

I know it's not Friday, but my friend Kelly has a new game going on! You have until Sunday to play!! Go to youtube and find a song that takes you back be it the 50's, 60's, 70's, 80's, or even the 90's! Post it, link it back to Kelly's Mr. Linky and if your link is picked (generated by Mr. Linky" you'll win a $10.00 gift card from either Itunes or Napster!

Here's Mine:

Sylvia singing "Nobody"

Big expanding news

Did I happen to mention to all of you that I'm pregnant??? I'm 8 weeks today. I'm insanely tired and very nauseated with a little morning sickness. Number 5 is due June 3, but she or he will come 1 to 2 weeks before that, because I have to have a c-section (all of mine have been c-sections so unfortunately no chance of a vaginal delivery). I need to go pick up my referral on Monday so I can call and make my drs apt. (where we are stationed we don't have OB's that work at our little clinic so we have to go off post and see a German dr, thankfully we have a list of about 10 to choose from). I should get an ultra sound at the apt. the beauty of Germany is they do them at every single apt, so I should have a few that I'll share. :)
We are really excited, and I think I "feel" more excited when I start getting some energy back. I've NEVER been so tired during a pregnancy before at this stage.

God Bless

Berlin pictures finally :)

I know, I know it took me long enough huh?! We went almost 2 weeks ago and let me tell you it was amazing. We really loved Berlin, far more than I expected to, to be honest with you! I actually am all for going back again, because there is still so much we want to see and explore!
We stayed at a great apartment. It wasn't huge, but it was a nice little apartment for the 4 days we were there. There was a bedroom with a king size bed that Chad, Emma, and I slept in, the living room had a couch that made out into a bed for the boys, a computer, flat screen tv, stove top, dishwasher, sink, a table, and a full bathroom. We were on the 1st floor which was great so we didn't have a ton of stairs to go up and down. We took Bentley with us and discovered that Berlin is the capitol of dogs! (Germans love their dogs!!)

For now, there will not be a ton of captions of where we were, mostly because off the top of my head I can't remember all of the places and don't have time to look it up, maybe I'll come back later and give captions!

Not Me Monday

I haven't played "Not Me Monday" for quite a while.... but here goes!

We did not go to Berlin last weekend and I still have NOT posted pictures that I promised to post in only a couple days afterwards, no I'm more on top of things than that!

We do not live in an area of Germany that does not get much snow and yet we surely did not already get our first snow of the year, in the MIDDLE of OCTOBER! I was not secretly excited that Jackson's soccer game was cancelled on Thursday because of that snow and the insane cold temps!

Jacob did NOT go to football practice on that same snowy Thursday and not take his gloves as was suggested by his wise mother, and did not come home in tears because his fingers were freezing. I was obviously sympathetic and did not tell him that hopefully he learned a hard lesson and would next time listen to his mother. (Ok maybe I was sympathetic, but still shared words of wisdom)

I did not surely go to Poland (yes the country) on Friday with my dear friend Heather and did not have a wonderful time buying pottery for myself as well as 2 of my friends! I do not enjoy shopping at all, especially shopping for polish pottery, I mean that's not fun!

I surely did not take pictures of my favorite shop so I could share with my friends and here on my blog to give you all a small glimpse of what the stores look like with pottery from floor to cieling!

Jacob did not have an awesome football game on Saturday. He did NOT sack the quarterback 8, count them EIGHT times and I am surely NOT a proud momma!