Sunday, September 30, 2007

Praise You In This Storm

So I may not be quite in a storm, but I hear the thunder rumbling right now and this is a great reminder of what I need to be doing every day...

Praise You in This Storm

words by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away


I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth


Being Real

I've been feeling rather numb lately. I have every reason to feel so happy and I have joy in me...I have Jesus as my savior, a husband who loves me, beautiful children, yet my heart still aches. If I'm going to be real on here well here it is. Sometimes the pain of losing Jordyn to Heaven is so overwhelming. I just struggle to breath at times. I know she's in better hands. I know she's with Jesus and honestly I'd never take that from her, she's where we all long to be one the feet of Jesus.

Some of you know how much I ached to have another daughter, my arms ached for her. God graced us with Emma Grace almost 2 months ago and I can't even find the words most days to tell anyone how much I love this little girl. I don't love her more than my other children, I just love her differently, just as I love each of my kids different. Maybe I thought she'd fill that empty spot in my heart. I know how rediculous, you'd think after 7 1/2 yrs and 2 boys before her, I'd have KNOWN. The problem is, I didn't even REALIZE it, that there was a longing for this hole to be filled. I know oh I know Jesus can fill any hole in my life, the thing that I'm realizing is that he's leaving it open, wide open for a reason. I'm supposed to depend on him MORE to fill me up, and well I need that hole to keep me grounded. I guess I need this hole to be reminded just how precious life is, how fast it can be taken away from you, no matter HOW MUCH you love.

I'll even admit more. I'm scared like I've not been scared in a very long time. So scared that God will find it his will to once again take my daughter from me and take her home to Heaven. I'm terrified of that. I sit here knowing the reality is, he most likely won't..yet I cling to Emma with a fear that I can't quiet and I know it's Satan. He wants me to focus more on her and the boys than Jesus...well he found my weakness and I'm struggling with it.

Today I witnessed 5 children dedicate their lives to Jesus. I watched them literally take the plunge and be baptised. It was beautiful, it was precious, and I got to watch those sweet children profess their love for Jesus and desire to walk the path he has set out for them. I looked at Jacob who was there to witness it as well and thought of how I can't wait for him and his siblings to give their lives over to Christ fully and completely, and I found my thoughts going to Jordyn. How she loved him like I've never seen another love Jesus at her sweet and tender age throughout her sweet little, short life of 2 yrs 1 month and 8 days. She KNEW Jesus and she was ready and willing to go home to him, even as my heart screamed NO. I wish I could say I was as peaceful and joyful over her leaving my arms for Jesus's, but if I did I'd be lying. I begged her to come back to me when she took her last breath. I sat there rocking her sweet little body, begging her to please just come back to me for a little while longer. I didn't want God to have her just yet. I hadn't had enough time with her. The fact is, and I know this now without a doubt, no amount of time would have been long enough, when it came to me out living her.

I know this probably makes no sense. I'm tired, I'm sad, I'm aching and most of all I just feel numb to a point. I'm struggling to be me.

If I can tell you one thing about's that it doesn't stop not completely. I have lots of great days, but I sit here right now crying because I miss Jordyn so much, it just hurts. I would love to hold her in my arms again, to smell her sweet head, to run my finger over her face, and kiss it. I see it more clearly now than ever..Emma is NOT a replacement for Jordyn. She's not a cure all for my broken heart. She's Emma Grace...nothing more and nothing less. She has a new part of my heart that didn't exist before she was created.

It's time for me to be real with myself. It's not going to be pretty.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

If You're a Mom, even if you're not!

Monday, September 24, 2007

Need a Cure Now

I get the Candlelighter's newsletter and emails and this came today....take a look it's 3 minutes of your life, you waste a lot more looking at junk...this could actually save a child's life and maybe another mother will not have to walk this path I'm on and will be on the rest of my life.....

Just a reminder of what's been lost, what could have been if there WAS a cure...

Saturday, September 22, 2007

Praises for Jillian!

I'm not sure if I'd shared Jillian here so I'm going to give a little history of how I know her and her family! When Jordyn was dx and we moved back to the states for Jordyn to be treated (tx) at Walter Reed we were living at the Ronald McDonald House. There Barbara the house manager told me about listserv which has group after group of different support groups online for those battling cancers of all sorts (and many other diseases). On one of them I believe it was the AML board I met Jessica. Mom of twin girls (and a son) who both had AML leukemia. Jillian was in remission when we met and Jade was fighting like Jordyn. Jordyn and Jade had their BMT's just a day apart. Jade relapsed quickly after her BMT and Feb 4, 2000 went home to Heaven. When I called Jessica because Jordyn had relapsed I didn't know Jade had died. Jessica let me cry, share my fears, etc even in her own grief. Jillian did relapse, had a BMT (bone marrow transplant), relapsed again....and then a few months ago she was dx with a whole other cancer, osteosarcoma, which is a cancer in her leg. The Osteo is a whole other diagnosis, it's a completely seperate they still count her bone marrow transplant as a success and they just found out that she's still 100% donor, which is FABULOUS news!! One of these days our families will meet in person.

In the mean time I keep up with them online, pray for them, love them. I hope you'll go and visit Jillian and pray for her, celebrate the victories, etc.

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Today 9-11

I didn't and have never and will never live in NYC. I didn't know anyone who died that day. We had friends who worked at the Pentagon and for me that attack was what hit me and terrified me the most. That building was and is a symbol of strength, power, and a part of who we are. We lived aprox 15 miles or so from the Pentagon and I can't tell you how many times we drove by it while we lived at Ft.Belvoir, I was always mesmorized by it, for those who've never seen's huge.
I'm only one of thousands of Military Wives. I'm a SOLDIERS wife. I have sat at home faithfully for 4 deployments, 2 to fight in THIS WAR (and don't say it's not a war, because it absolutely is). I support my husband and WHAT and WHY he fights.
I remember driving and hearing about the first crash as I dropped 6 month old Jacob off at my friends on my way to work (at a bank...I'd put in my 2 wks notice the day before). I got to work and the 2nd plane crashed, then hearing them say the Pentagon was hit made me hit my knee's. Chad was in Kuwait, actually he was on the border of Kuwait/Iraq this day 6 yrs ago. They were told what happened and were all taken into a safe phone calls out, America was under attack. They had as much fear for all of us as we did for much was unknown, so much fear.
I sat that evening...holding Jacob, rocking him, nursing him as tears flowed down my face and my ear to the phone as my finger continued to push redial as I tried to get ahold of my friend Rebekah who still was at Belvoir. Relief when I finally got through to her to know she was ok, emails from other friends who were there.

Someone wrote something about not forgetting, I can only speak for myself when I say that's impossible. I don't have the "convience" of forgetting. I don't have the "luxury" of not thinking about this day the other 364 days of the year like others husband's in the Army and we live the after-math of this, it's our life. If Chad's not deployed one of our friends is. Right now we're looking at deployment #5...and his 3rd trip over there.

Do I wish that what Gen. Petreus said yesterday was different, well of course. I don't like my husband having to leave us for a year, well at this point we're facing 15 month deployments....but it's his JOB. This is what he trains for, this is the POINT of the US Military. The point of having a military is DEFEND and they're doing exactly that.

As the saying goes...Freedom isn't Free and neither my friends is SAFETY. As you sit in your safe homes today and this evening, as you write your posts on what this day means to you...remember all the American Military who's out FIGHTING for your ability to be free and safe in a country that through it's faults is still the GREATEST NATION in the WORLD and if you don't believe that, it's time to get your priorities straight. If you hate America...GET OUT. I see no reason for my husband to fight for your butt if you can't even be THANKFUL for the country you live in.

Monday, September 10, 2007

God's Lessons

Almost daily I go to my best friends Blog and read lesson's God's not only teaching her in her walk through grief, but lesson's he's teaching me. Seven years later I just keep learning. I'm coming the ultimate conclusion that God will continue to teach me in this walk for the rest of my life until I am with him. I'm good with that too! ;)

Yesterday we were on our way home from a Chapel Retreat down at Edelweiss which is in Garmisch. We decided to go to Dachua Concentration Camp. We had the boys so we had talked to friends who actually went there the day before on what was appropriate to take the boys to there and what to avoid. Being a military family I think in ways our boys and now daughter will grow up with more than enough realities, realities of war for that matter...I know I can't shield them from every horror in this world, but I can shield them from as much as possible. Jacob already knows some of the horrors of WWII and what Hitler and the Nazi's (SS) did, he's too young to know all of it. I prayed over it and felt God leading us to go ahead and go. Jack was totally oblivious to what it all meant, as any 4 yr old SHOULD be (imo), Emma only cared about nursing and being held of course as any newborn is...Jacob had questions and Chad and I answered them for him as age appropriate as we could and just told him we couldn't answer some of his questions.

Walking through what is now a memorial to those who were murdered in the name of craziness (well in my opinion) and cruelty, it's hard to not be completely and utterly humbled and to see that through all my own heartache I have that in so many ways it doesn't even compare, yet how can we compare heartache? But....I think of how blessed I am. I was always with Jordyn. Never a moment in her life did she go without being surrounded in nothing but complete love. She never had a moment in her life of feeling abandoned by Chad or I or God. Never in her 2 yrs did she have to go farther than down the hall of our home to be in arms that loved her. Through the pain that she felt from the leukemia, there was always pain medication, rocking, lullabyes sung, arms to hold her, love to surround her in. Yet those at the concentration camps had little to none of that. I pray that they all clung to God's love and faithfulness. Those who do not know Christ, can not fathom how I can write that, but I believe with everything in me that God remained with them through it all and I believe it broke his heart without a doubt. Beyond the horrible torture, starvation, lack of warm clothing, hygiene, there was a lack of love and compassion. For many of them they had no idea if their families were alive, if they were going through the same torture as they were, if they were hurt, or dead. Can you imagine that? I can't. You see I can't imagine what it's like to not be surrounded by people who love me. I'm blessed and I get that. Yesterday I promise you there were so many more lesson's learned. Horrors of what those who were kept as "political prisoners" experienced I had a small glimpse of. I saw the size of the bunks that were made to "house" 200 people but ended up housing 2,000 instead. I walked on ground that made my feet ache after a couple hours, I saw the crematorium where so many of their lives ended. Why? It's beyond my understanding and I believe it's beyond what God's will was for their life, yet it still remains as a fact.
Dachau was the first concentration camp and the rest were created from it's example. 46,000 people died inside the walls and fences. Lives were changed, our world was changed. April 29, 1945 the Americans arrived and ended their torture. The emotions I felt as I looked at pictures of those who were being kept there as prisoners when the Americans came is beyond words for me. I cried a lot inside and out. We barely spoke through most of it. We were not able to see all of it because it was not for the boys to see. Although I walked through one of the crematoriums Chad kept the kids outside on a bench which ironically is now surrounded by beautiful gardens. To think that inside a brick building death happened, but on the outside now life is blooming.

On the Jewish Memorial was a scripture written in Hebrew. I believe the verse was Psalms 121:3. I looked it up tonight as I was commenting in Emily-Really Living blog. The whole verse though grabbed me:

A song of ascents.
Psa 121:1
I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?

Psa 121:2
My help comes from the Lord,
the Maker of heaven and earth.

Psa 121:3
He will not let your foot slip—
he who watches over you will not slumber;
Psa 121:4
indeed, he who watches over Israel
will neither slumber nor sleep.

Psa 121:5
The Lord watches over you—
the Lord is your shade at your right hand;
Psa 121:6
the sun will not harm you by day,
nor the moon by night.

Psa 121:7
The Lord will keep you from all harm—
he will watch over your life;
Psa 121:8
the Lord will watch over your coming and going
both now and forevermore.

Even when we can't see him...God's there holding us. God is constantly teaching me this lesson, yesterday it was more evident than ever.

One of the guard houses

These pictures were side by side..the one on the right is an Aerial view of the camp.

The Juroushouse

view of the bunk

one of the memorials this is to look like the prisoners...

Ashes of unknown prisoners.

Above is the bunks the prisoners had to sleep in...this just does not show how small they were.

the prisoners lockers, of course there was not nearly enough for all of them...

infamous barbed wire fence

this was where the 30 bunks used to stand...the original foundation is still there and the rocks fill in between the foundation they were 10 meters wide by 100 meters long.

Jewish Memorial

Catholic memorial

Thursday, September 06, 2007


Hi well Emma is a month old as of this past Monday (Labor Day), I can't believe she's already a month old, time just goes by so quickly. I don't want time to stop (been there done that...hate it)...but to have it slow down and just let them stay small longer would be nice!

The boys are doing great. They're both in soccer and tonight Jacob had his first game. I haven't uploaded the pictures from that yet, but he had a great time! Last year he only got to play one position (defense) and he did not enjoy the season at all, this year Chad's coaching and he had Jacob in 4 different positions in just the one game! He had a great time! All the kids seemed! The parents were happy to see their kids having so much fun and the kids actually were working together. There were times they got grouped up, but it was far less than last year, and it's the same age group that Jacob played in last there's definate improvement!

Jacob at Playmobil last Friday

Jack will have one more practice and then they will have 3 games and his season will be over with. But it's instructional and they're just learning the basics and really 6 weeks total is good for them! They have short attention spans and their skills, well they're still um...developing! LOL He likes it though and he gets to RUN which Momma likes because it tires him out!! Jack at Playmobil last Friday

Oh and it's COLD here! We got down to 37 degree's last night! Brrr is all I can say! They turned the heat on here on post, so our heat is at least on. It got turned on today so tonight we won't all freeze! Our bird was cold today, poor thing. I will say though, he was him being cold had it's perks! LOL We're going down to Garmisch tomorrow, so it'll be even colder down there. A friend of mine was down there last weekend and said there's snow up in the Alps already. I am looking forward to it though. It's a retreat, but we'll have all but 1 hr for free time, so we plan to go walking around down town and just enjoying our time there!! Jacob will get to enjoy the Kids Day Out program. Jack will be in the CDC during our class, but otherwise we plan to have him with us, I see no reason to leave him in childcare if we're not in our session. Jacob's is different, they actually take them out and around and do things with them. Emma will stay with us the whole time of course.

Well, I need to run down to the laundry room and throw the last of our clothes into the dryer (nothing we're taking with us just some jeans, except for my tennis shoes). Last night I was asleep by a little after 10. I was up at around 8 this morning too and no nap for me either...of course I'm wide awake! I'll just have to sleep on the way to Garmisch tomorrow morning! LOL :)

Have a great weekend!