Wednesday, March 30, 2011

I have hope that tomorrow my heart won't hurt so much. I have hope that one day I'll be with my beautiful Jordyn again. I have hope because, Jesus Christ is my Savior. Today instead of me hugging and kissing and wishing Jordyn a happy birthday and celebrating 13 years of life....I know she's safe in the arms of Jesus. Chad and I are still not sure what we're going to do today for her birthday celebration. I had PWOC this morning, I led our worship team and prayed and cried. Chad stayed home this morning with the kids since Emma wasn't feeling well when she woke up (I think it was just allergy junk though). He has to go to the memorial service of two of our fallen soldiers from our Battalion who were killed last Tuesday in Afganistan. I'm not going to the memorial service, it's too hard and today's hard enough, plus at 4 I have Noah's well baby apt. and Jack has cub scouts. So although it'd be easiest to climb in bed, have a good hard cry, and sleep....God's made my life so that it won't work like that. I am strugging right at this moment to find joy, I have it, it's just a little deeper in my heart today. I know that part of me wants to REJOICE and sing from the mountain tops that today 13 years ago I gave birth to the most amazing little girl ever. I AM BLESSED. I AM Thankful. I AM Loved. Happy Birthday, Jordyn. I love you to Heaven and Back (and back again a few million times). Today I became a Mommy and I can say it was TRULY the most amazing experience of my life. I'll love you forever.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

14 years ago

My camera's not beside me and I'm tired and just too lazy to go get it and upload the pictures, hopefully I'll share some later! The point of this post though is that today Chad and I celebrated 14 years of marriage! I feel so blessed that this year we were able to actually go out and celebrate. We rarely do that, for one he's so often not home (deployed or out training) or just can't justify it financially to go out and do anything. This year we were able to. Chad called and made reservations for us at a steak place and it was AWESOME. I got what they call the Women's Tenderloin, it was so good! Tender and juicy. I got a side of mushrooms that were seasoned perfectly. Chad who doesn't care for mushrooms even agreed that they were good! Oh and while waiting on dinner they brought us two homemade wheat/whole grain rolls with homemade pesto sauce and wow, seriously delicious! I would go back there just for the rolls, but the steaks were just so insanely good! Now I'm a steak snob. I grew up on a farm where every year my dad would pick out his best steer and fatten him up and he'd end up in our deep freezor once big enough. So I know what a good steak should taste like. Of course it's taken me a few years of marriage to even want steak, because we ate it so much growing up (5 to 6 nights out of the week, I got pretty sick of it!). Chad has no empathy for me at all! LOL
Anyways, back to our evening! We hired a teen that we know and trust to watch the kids. Jack came in a couple hours before we were due to go out and said he was invited over for a sleep over at our neighbor who lives directly in front of us, so down one kid. Then after the babysitter arrived the mom of one of Jacob's best friends called and asked if he could spend the night....two kids gone. So she now only had Emma. We'd debated leaving Noah, but figured we'd have to come home earlier than planned to nurse him and he'd just been sort of off all day, so he went with us. He was such a good boy! After dinner we went and just walked around our beautiful city. I shared to Chad how I felt so much at HOME here in Germany, and in our beautiful city. I just love it here. The thought of having to leave makes me sick to my stomach. I know if we do, it's in God's plan for us, I just know my heart does not want to leave this place, not yet anyways. After walking around we drove to our favorite Eis shoppe (Ice cream shoppe). They were having a special on Spaghetti Eis, sweet! Now if you've never been in Germany you may not know the wonderfulness that is spaghetti eis. It's just simply ice cream pushed through a tool to look like spaghetti, topped with a cherry sauce (or strawberry), with white chocolate sprinkled to look like parmesian cheese. So good! Well they had every thought you could ever imagine for spaghetti eis tonight. I got strawberry, fresh strawberries...oh it was so very good. Chad got three different ones on a plate. We figured that they'd be much smaller servings, oh no normal sizes all 3 of them! It had vanilla (classic), strawberry, and chocolate. They were all good, and I had a couple bites of the strawberry and chocolate...some how he managed to eat them all. Of course once we got home, it hit him how miserable he was! LOL

I feel so blessed that we got to spend time together, although we had Noah with him, we just really cherished being together. Holding hands, talking, lots of laughing, and being in amazement at how fast the last 14 years have went and yet how it feels like we've always been together. I'm so thankful that God brought Chad into my life. I'm thankful that I married my best friend. That we've been blessed with 5 beautiful children. I wouldn't have wanted to go through the good or the hard times with anyone else. Deployments are hard, but reunions are so sweet. God has held us through many times when we both are hurting, he's healed hurts, show us how to grow our love, cherish the moments we have together, and reminds us how precious our time is here on Earth. We don't know what tomorrow holds for us, but for tonight I'm thankful that 14 years ago, I married the man I never knew to dream of. I married the man who had become my best friend. Who loved (s) me passionately. Who dreamed of a future with me on our first date and wasn't afraid to share with me! Who loves God fully. I'm so thankful and so very blessed. Marriage is HARD. It'd be easier to just throw it away, but it's worth all the hard work. It's worth the sweat and tears that come from it. It's a blessed union under GOD and that should never, ever be taken lightly.

I love you Chad and look forward to what God has instore for us for the rest of our lives! Here's to another 40 to 50 years!!!

Wednesday, March 23, 2011


Yesterday Chad and I went to see his surgeon from his accident in August (for new readers, my husband, Chad was in a very serious roll over accident in a soft top humvee that could have easily paralyzed or killed him). He had xrays done and he's completely healed up! He'll have the rods removed from his shoulder and spine in December most likely. He told him any time between June and December, but because he's being released and all restrictions are now lifted, Chad will be deploying. We don't have a date yet, but his unit is already down range and have been there for a few months, so once he's ready he'll be heading down to join his unit.
We both have peace over this and know that nothing is outside of God's will and we trust him. So deployment #6 is now looming in our near future.
We praise GOD that he healed Chad's body so completely and fully and that he's physically able to safely deploy. We are thankful for the drs, nurses, and physical therapists that God has placed in our lives over the last 7 months to help his body heal properly. It's truly amazing how Great our Great physician is and the progress he's allowed with modern medicine!
So now it's time to get ready to go back at parenting on my own again with distant "help"/"coparenting" from Afganistan. I'm not looking forward to that part at all, but again trusting God to help me. I will definitely be facilitating local/trust worthy teens to baby sit so this Momma can keep her sanity, taking up friends offers for childcare, playdates, an evening out, etc.
I'm already planning on taking the kids down to Italy this summer if I can get us a cabin. I'd like to stay down there a full 7 nights and just truly relax and enjoy ourselves, enjoy the beach, grilling, eating good Italian pizza and other dishes, and making memories and going to Florence and probably another stop over at Pisa (since we didn't have Noah last time), I'm also thinking of bringing either another adult friend with me or bringing along a teenage helper which could be a win-win for both of me extra hands and her some time on the beach! ;)

I'm now off to bed, Zumba kicked my butt tonight. I haven't been in 2 weeks after being sick the last 2 weeks. So time for some reading and shut eye.

God Bless

Friday, March 11, 2011

A Trip Down Memory Lane

Last weekend was a very emotional weekend for Chad and I. We returned to where we were stationed when Jordyn was diagnosed. We were officially stationed in Baumholder, but Chad's battalion was up in Strassburg Kaserne and we lived up there as well. Strassburg Kaserne was a 5 minute drive from a beautiful city, Idar-Oberstein. We loved going there. We would often go a couple times a week. We would often walk down there, the hill was huge and steep! We'd drive down there on our "lazy" days and then just walk around the pedestrian area, buy a pretzel, and look in all the jewelry stores. There are so many good and just precious memories stored up there, that time of our life. Those were days of being naive and innocent. The days where I thought tomorrow would come, where children didn't die, that cancer happened to OTHER people, other peoples kids were the ones with bald heads and racoon cheeks...not my little girl. Not MY Baby.

March 24, 1999 everything changed. Our lives were turned upside down and inside out. To be told 1 year after your beautiful little girl was due to be born, that she had cancer. That she had leukemia. To be told to pray for ALL leukemia and pray it's not AML Leukemia. I prayed and I believed and the next day she was transferred from Landstuhl to a German hospital, Homburg University. We were told that she had AML. Our lives changed in a moment. We took our baby to the hospital because she had croup to be told hours later that she had leukemia to be told a day later that she had the type of leukemia we were told to pray against. I only left Jordyn once to return home to pack up my clothes & Jordyn's, get our medical records, and ultimately say goodbye to our last home in which we lived a "normal" life and ventured into a new "normal". A life of chemo, anti-nausea medication, central lines, flushing of lines, etc. Our lives went from new Jordyn's new stages to what type of chemo on what day, bone marrow biopsies and spinal taps. After that one time, I never retured to our home and neither did Jordyn. Chad took the responsibility of having our apartment packed up and everything shipped to the states when we moved to Ft. Belvoir for Jordyn to be treated at Walter Reed.

So....this past weekend, we returned. I figured I'd shed some tears, but I didn't expect the emotions that came over me. I was swept back to 1999. To the days of being innocent and naive. To the days of my sweet Jordyn being a beautiful, chubby baby toddling around our apartment, loving on our cat, Cassie by laying on love to our dogs BJ and Brittany. From her happy giggles and laughter that filled our home. Days before internet was a way of life, where long walks was a daily habit, rocking and snuggles was a way of life, and tomorrow held so much promise. I never imagined in my worst nightmares what was to become Jordyn's (and our) future. I never imagined 14 months later she'd be in Heaven, just barely 2 years old, when we hadn't even celebrated her first birthday.

Tomorrow's never promised, not even for our children. So if you're a Momma (or Daddy) reading this....go snuggle, hug, and kiss those precious gifts of yours. I don't care how frustrated you might feel, how annoyed you may be, how stressed out you are because of those blessings...they ARE blessings and I'm here to tell you that tomorrow is NOT promised. The only promise you have is if you have a relationship with Jesus Christ! If you have him as your personal Savior, then you have a promise of eternity! Teach your children well! Love them, don't take them for granted. Enjoy them. Don't rush them to grow up. Relish them at what ever age/stage they're at. Just love them.

God's Blessings


Tuesday, March 08, 2011

little of this a little of that

Before braces (in the ortho's chair)

After/With Braces
Well Jacob has braces now, he got 6 on the top, which will remain for 6 months, they'll remove them and he'll have a retainer until he's lost enough baby teeth to continue on with the process. He was in pain for the first couple of days, but since he's not complained. He's adjusting to not being allowed certain foods, but he's not doing bad and hasn't complained.

I'm not sure if I shared that my baby, Noah is 9 months old now, actually 9 1/2 months. How quickly it's gone by. He's cruising the furniture, it's a crawling pro, and he loves to get into anything and everything!! He's also the absolute cutest thing in the entire world! He's a tad bit adored. He LOVES his brothers and sister (but looooves his bubbas). He's such a happy little guy and a big little lover! He brings so much joy and laughter into our home!

Could he be any cuter??!! He has a little bruise on his head from falling one day (hey it happens).

Jackson's doing great in his advancements with reading. It's been a challenge, until recently and now he's reading more and more, gaining more and more confidence in this new found ability! School has become so much easier with him and far less frustrating! Whew! The kid can memorize like no one's business as well. His favorite thing to do though....just play and be a boy! He's loving being in Cub Scouts. He's in the Wolf pack and is excited for Wednesday's to come, when he gets to go to his meeting! This Thursday is the boys Den meeting and they'll be getting their cars for the Pine Wood Derby! Both are excited, but Jackson's REALLY excited! It's seriously so cute!!

Jackson in downtown Idar-Oberstein

Emma, oh Emma. She recently started ballet and looooves it! I have to go this week and get her, her leotard,tutu, and ballet shoes. She is having fun and has no interest in playing sports right now, which I don't less thing to run to! She's too smart for her own good I swear. In love with Noah, loves her two older brothers, Daddy, and is still a big momma's girl! She's such a funny girl and seriously loves being the center of attention, which can come out as a little bit of jealousy when that attention is being giving to Noah at times. But you know she's a sweet girl, a little sassy at times, and keeps us on our toes and laughing often!
I'm going to write another post later about our past weekend. We went to see my friend Kandice who lives up by Ramstein. While there we went over to Idar-Oberstein (the pictures of Jack and Emma were taken there). We lived just above IO when Jordyn was alive. I will leave it at that, until later.