Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Letting it out

My husband and I go on walks at night, just a short mile walk, but it's our time to talk and get some light excercise, which at 8 months and the speed we're going at, makes me have to stop about 3/4 the way through to catch my breath! Last night as we walked, I poured my heart out to him of how I don't understand why I react so explosively at times. Chad stopped and said "I do, our daughter died in your arms". Whew, here come the tears again. I changed the moment she left this earth for Heaven. I struggle with anger and rage taking over me. I LOVE Jesus. I KNOW Jordyn's safe in his arms. I changed though. We walked with her through 14 months of fighting Acute Myeloid Leukemia, we walked through chemotherapy being pushed into our baby girl (she was 6 days from 1 yr at diagnosis), to irradiation and the heaviest of heaviest of chemo's going into her to destroy her immune system in preperation for her bone marrow transplant. We didn't feel the physical pain of the chemo and irradiation, but we went through the helpless feeling of not being able to fix it for her, to prevent her from pain, or being able to keep her completely safe. We had to put poison in her in hopes to save her life. I will NEVER know what it felt like for Jordyn, only what it felt like as her Momma, who was scared to death that she'd die...and that fear became my reality. I heard myself scream a scream no mother should ever have to hear come from her, a deep groaning of despair and heartache, that I truly believe there are no words for. We're now almost 12 years since we said Goodbye to our beautiful Jordyn, and not a day goes by that I don't think of her and miss her. Her death changed my soul.

I have grown over the years to trust and love the Lord more than I ever did. I'm also still full of the what if's and maybe's. I look at my children and see their sister in them so often and it makes my heart soar as well as brings it such pain. They KNOW her and love her in their hearts. I was newly pregnant with Jacob when Jordyn died. I found out I was pg with him 8 days after she died. He was not planned by Chad and I at all, but I know he was by GOD.

I have a great deal of anger towards my parents over Jordyn's diagnosis and death, but most of all towards myself. My parents are smokers and during my pregnancy we spent almost every weekend at my parents, exposing myself, and there for Jordyn who was growing in my womb to their 2nd hand poison. After Jordyn was born, Chad left 8 days later for Germany. We had to get her passport for us to travel and as soon as he arrived to his new unit, he found out he was deploying. If I could change anything about that time, I would NOT have moved into my parents house. It's now known that 2nd hand and yes 3rd hand (via the womb) cigerette smoke is linked to causing pediatric aml leukemia. I HATED growing up in a house of smokers, it was horrible, I was sick every winter with bronchitis, I always felt like I couldn't breath, and of course without a doubt I know I stunk horribly from their smoke being on my clothes,skin, and hair. Then I did what I never thought I'd do..I moved my baby and self into that house, until I could join my husband.

I can't change the past. I know I have got to forgive myself and my parents. I'm struggling with that still almost 12 years later. I don't want to hurt like this anymore. I don't want anger to just be under the surface. I want to truly be filled with joy and show my children that joy, that comes only from the Lord. I'm praying and so is Chad on this struggle that I have.

I realize this may seem all over the place, if it's not, great, but it's how it feels right now. So if it is, please forgive me. I know it's time I hand this all over completely to Jesus and not take it back. As heavy as my heart is, I know I have hope in all of this. I know that I have Jesus and that he'll substain me and he'll love me through this.

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Cardboard testimony

We're an Army family and one of the greatest blessings that's come to me as an Army wife has been PWOC. I knew of PWOC slightly when I was invited once by a friend, when Jordyn was alive, at Ft. Belvoir. We went for the first half, and when they split off for bible studies we went home. I had no idea then, what I was missing out on and have no doubt it would have been a blessing for me, even if I would have only been able to go from time to time, because of chemo treatments, etc. I didn't really know too much about it over all though, until we got to Germany, and I'd been encouraged by a few friends from our home church to go to PWOC once we got here. As soon as I got here, I saw signs posted all over post about the PWOC kick off. The kick off was great, it was the 50th year of PWOC, which was started in Germany shortly after WWII and ladies wanted a fellowship/bible study. It's developed so much over the years and I'm sure beyond anything those beautiful women could have imagined and I hope it's all they could have dreamed now. It has spread beyond Army wives and is now on all military bases and posts, all branches, throughout the whole world!!

Since moving here, I've been on the board 4 times. It's been a blessing for me, at times very trying, joyful and tearful. Each board is unique and you're not going to agree with everyone on the board or how it's run. (Which is when you might have that tearful year). But it's always, always been a huge blessing for me, because here's the thing. It's not about me, or the other women there, whether we agree with each other about how things are being run behind the scenes or not. What matters is that it's all about Jesus and what I can say is that every year it's come down to being all about Jesus. When he's the focus, when it's always brought back to him...he's redeemed and he'll redeem you.

So...today was our spring kickoff for PWOC. In the fall the board all did Card board testimonies (if you don't know what this is, please do a search they're amazing It won't let me include the link tonight). It was moving, beautiful, and raw. Some were shocking, some were telling, all were those ladies truths and redemption. Today for the Spring kickoff we did more Cardboard testimonies. I had such peace when they'd asked for volunteers from the body before the end of the fall session, so I'd volunteered after praying. Then began praying on what I was to share. God spoke to me quickly, and let me tell you I wasn't too thrilled with what he wanted me to share, but it was part of my truth and of I WAS, and God allowed me to fall on my face to come to him. I had no nervousness until those of us who were sharing got into line and prepared to go in front of the ladies in that room. I thought I was going to get sick. I was baring a sin that I hadn't shared with a lot of people. But there I was, leading the pack. I left the stage in tears, full of so many emotions, that words could not cover. Most of all, so much thankfulness that God has forgiven me and he loves me.

I have to remind myself over and over again, that I'm forgiven. God does not hold my transgressions against me. He loves me. He see's me for who I am and for who I will still become. Just writing about this, has my heart racing again. I am free though, free in and through Christ. I don't know how anyone lives a day without Jesus. I am so thankful for his grace, mercy, forgiveness, and love.

Friday, January 06, 2012


I'm almost 30 weeks pregnant and what that means is in less than 2 months I'll be holding a newborn in my arms. I have c-sections, all of mine have been c-sections and although I do wish I could have experienced a vaginal birth, honestly the most important thing to me is not how the baby entered the world from my body, but that the Lord has allowed me to bring a new life into this world. I'm brought to tears just thinking about it, yep tears are forming now. I truly get how blessed I am. I've had many friends and family members who have or are dealing with fertility issue's and I'm so thankful I've never had to deal with that. My heart truly ACHES for women who their hearts desire is to feel their baby move inside their womb, or to just feel a child to call their own in their arms. This pregnancy has been very easy for me and I'm thankful for that. I am also aware that because I've NEVER experienced such an easy pregnancy that God could simply be preparing me for a baby who possibly doesn't sleep, has colic, or something. I'm praying that, that's not the case, but if so...we'll get through it one way or another, but without a doubt with God's grace!

With all the preparation of welcoming our newest child, I've been thinking of the near future and some goals I'm setting for myself. I am a fat girl. I'm not hiding this fact. I have not always been fat. I used to be a very in shape, healthy weight, confident with my body (tooooo confident) kind of girl. I could give you all the reasons and excuses on why I've allowed all this weight to be put on my body, and those reasons are important for "me" but not so much for the rest of the world. What I do know is that I'm done being fat. I'm done being winded going up and down the stairs a couple times, not being able to have the energy to do everything I want. I want to be healthy, lower my chances of various cancers, be a good example for my children. I KNOW I can do this and will do it. So once I'm healed from my c-section I'm going to start running. It'll be a process, which at the moment I'm planning on using the C25K plan. I really think this will work the best for me in building up my ability to run and plan that once I can run a 5 K without stopping I can work myself up to a 10 K and so on. It makes me excited that for the first time in years I'm going to be healthy.

Another goal for this year is to take at least one picture a day. I'm an ammateur photographer in the truest sense. I do not believe for a second that I'm in any way or form a professional at all. I have a nice dslr camera and I'm ready to really it's capabilities, which I have a friend who IS a professional photographer and has a gorgeous portfolio, and in no way do I think I'm going to be where she is anytime soon, I'm looking forward to seeing improvements in my photography. My love is taking pictures of my family and the beautiful places we travel to. I want to be able to take the best pictures possible, so hopefully this year as I share my photo's you'll see improvements.

So I have 2 completely attainable goals for this year. Two goals I'm so excited about, yet feel confident I can do. I have friends and family who are in my corner and keeping me accountable on both! I'm so thankful to the Lord for all he's brought into my life and taken out of it.