Saturday, May 22, 2010


He's HERE!

I'm writing from the klinikum (hospital). Our little boy decided he could wait no longer and on Wednesday I had the joy of going into much for labor free (planned c-section) pregnancies! LOL I labored all day and around 3:00 I could not take it any longer and made a couple phone calls to get Chad home, who was an hour away in the field and made unexpected/new childcare arrangements for the kids, and get a ride to the hospital. Because of previous c-sections my ob surgeon had told me when I scheduled my c-section that if I had contractions to come in. I got all hooked up to monitors, was checked (everything was still closed), and then waited with a friend and on Chad to see what was going to happen. The nurses and midwife kept going back and forth to "you'll be having your c-section today or in the morning or maybe next week as scheduled" it was a little annoying. Chad finally arrived and maybe 5 minutes later my ob surgeon walked in and said since I'd been having contractions the c-section was happening that night.

Noah entered this world, screaming and beautiful and perfect! I'll share pictures later! :)

GOD has truly blessed our family once again. The kids all love him and although Jacob wanted another sister, he's in love with his new baby brother and Jack is thrilled to have a little brother that he wanted, and Emma just wanted a baby and is her own little Heaven with "her" "Baby Noah"!!

Tuesday, May 18, 2010


For probably 9 months or MORE my playlist wouldn't play for me since we're stationed here in Germany and there were copyright issue's going on with playlist and the music industry. No complaining on my part, since it's ultimately free music for my (and your) enjoyment. Well it's playing again for me! I've missed hearing my music and music on others pages who have the Playlist!

The boys have just 2 more days of school left (we don't school on Friday's since they have German class in the morning and PE in the afternoon). They're excited and I admit I am too! Next week will be a time for us to relax and enjoy the last few days before the baby comes. I need to go and buy an outfit for a boy and for a girl still, for the baby to come home in (have to buy one of each since we don't know what we're having and I don't want a unisex outfit, it's just not "me"). I still need to buy a package of newborn diapers, I'll be using cloth diapers, but I don't think I have enough newborn cloth so I want to have some disposable, plus the way newborns go I do admit it's just easier to have disposables that first couple weeks and until we can get into a new routine of life with a newborn!

I do have a prayer request. Pray for the kids adjustment to the baby. I think the boys will be fine, they're excited they remember when Emma was an infant and they were great when she came home, it's mostly for Emma. She's VERY excited for the baby, but of course at 2 1/2 she has no idea how her life's about to be turned upside down and inside out. She's "The Princess" and is about to be knocked from her throne at least a bit! LOL She'll always be our Princess, but life where it more or less revolved around her and her desires in so many ways is about to end. She's 2 and 2 year olds for the most part are naturally selfish, and don't see the big picture and that's all part of growing and seeing outside yourself, but it takes time! Jacob was the same age that Emma is when we had Jackson, and he did great...but every child is different and every child reacts to a new sibling differently. I just want this to be as smooth of a transition as possible for ALL of my children. One thing that's very important to me and Chad is that our kids all feel loved as much as their sibling. We both grew up feeling our sibling was favored to the fault and not the fault of that sibling (I say not the fault of my own, but Chad's sister is another story that I won't get into). I never ever want Jacob to feel we love Jackson more or Jackson to feel we love Emma more, etc! You get the picture. We have different relationships with each of our kids, because they're different and unique people and we love and appreciate their differences even when those differences drive us a little batty! (Hey as parents we're only human, too!) Jackson informed a friend of ours a couple days ago that he wants me to have 14 more babies! ROFL I don't see that happening! LOL BUT I love that he has a heart for siblings and a large family and I am praying for his future wife that she'll have the same desires to trust their family size to GOD and allow him to bless them.

Well I need to get off, Emma is up from her nap and making typing an interesting adventure as she hugs and kisses all over my face and is sitting on my right arm! lol

God Bless

Sunday, May 16, 2010

My Cup Runneth Over

Today was a good day! I feel good physically, even if I don't walk anymore and now only waddle. Emma went to bed last night sick and got sick through the night and woke up sick, but then stayed vomit free the rest of the day! Jacob finished his last Baptism class and will be baptised late next month, and then this afternoon we had the end of the year Awana Awards/Party. To see all those children lined up being recognized for all the hard work they've done all year long is inspiring and truly humbling!!!

I am at a point where I'm days away from giving birth to this precious baby growing inside of me. I feel so blessed and I hope this doesn't come off sounding arrogant, because it's not being said that way at all, it's being said from my heart.....I KNOW how blessed I am to have this baby growing inside of me, and truly don't need to be reminded of this blessing from a spiteful side (which has happened a couple times this pregnancy). I am in awe that for what ever reason I've been able to get pregnant easily. I'm in awe that I've had uncomplicated pregnancies. I'm in AWE that GOD's allowed me to have 4, soon to be 5 children. He did take one home, he took my sweet, precious, wonderful, beautiful Jordyn home when she was 2 years old....yet through the grief of her leaving my arms she got to enter our Lords! Through that grief he put new life inside of me, not from my or Chad's desires, but because he knew far more than we did! How thankful I am that Chad and I have and continue to trust GOD with our family size. He's blessed our family over and over. Thank you Jesus, thank you.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Light in the storm

Well we made it through Saturday and then GOD gave us the most amazing gift. Since we moved we have a carport and garage. Well the garage is full of boxes and various items that need to come in, but I'm in no huge rush to get it all in, it's in the garage after all. But...the items out in the carport, that everyone can see and that need to move into the attic, those need to come in! Saturday night/Sunday morning Chad was moving some and came across a box and called me outside, there was a box with some of Jordyn's clothes. Now let me share the back story on this. When we were about to have Emma I sent Chad down to our storage room to bring up Jordyn's clothes and he couldn't find them. He searched the whole storage room and was sure he went through all the boxes and totes. I am not sure how these clothes ended up in the cardboard box, because with Jordyn's clothes I was VERY particular about putting them into totes. Then I look over and see 3 totes that have tape around them, that's never been Chad opens them and there are the rest of Jordyn's clothes! When I'd went back to the states almost 3 summers ago, I'd searched our storage shed and of course they were not in there and I had determined that the movers had lost her clothes. I'm so thankful and Chad and I both cried tears of joy! We have thought for almost 3 years that these clothes were gone and low and behold we had them the whole time, but GOD didn't want us to find them until her 10th anniversary/Mother's Day. It truly felt like this beautiful gift from GOD on a day that was so hard for me personally and Chad as well. We just never know when or how GOD is going to work in our lives and just when we least expect it, he pulls out a big one that knocks our boots off!

It's still hard to believe it's been 10 years since Jordyn left our arms for Heaven, but even through the storms....GOD's love just keeps shining through.

Friday, May 07, 2010

Ten Years Ago....Jordyn found her wings and flew

Trying to find the words and there are so many going through my head and yet none that truly can convey what's on my heart. Here in Germany it's almost 1 AM, so it's officially the day Jordyn went home to Heaven. I want to have the attitude I had the other day of celebrating her eternity with Jesus, but I'm not feeling very happy right now. The tears keep welling up in my eyes and I can still blink them away for now, how long that will last only GOD knows. Lets be real here ok. Grief HURTS. You don't just stop grieving because it's been 2 years or 5 years or TEN's been ten years since Jordyn died. How, how is that possible? I can still remember that day so clearly. To be really honest here I can still hear my screams to Jesus to bring her back. I can still feel the horror of having to call Chad because he'd left the day before for Ohio to attend his Grandfather's funeral, to tell him his baby girl was now with Jesus. I can still feel myself rocking her back and forth while sitting on the floor, pleading with her and pleading with GOD to just bring her back, oh please bring her back. But she was gone. Her pain and suffering were over and I would NEVER bring her back from Heaven....but it still hurts.

My reality is my arms will always be missing a child to hold. I am "that" Mom....Jordyn is "that" child who "got" cancer and then died. I'm here and I survived the death of my child. I didn't survive because I'm stronger than any one else. I'm not amazing. I'm not anything special. I had NO CHOICE. I prayed that I would wake up in Heaven for months on end, but GOD did not answer that prayer as I wanted, just as he didn't take the cancer and heal Jordyn the way I wanted. I'm not angry, although I have been there. I'm not even eternally sad...but still feel sadness. I don't feel guilty for allowing the feelings to come. I won't lie and act like all is always ok. I am me. I'm real. I'm honest. I know where Jordyn is and I'm so thankful to know where she is and know she's safe and she's truly HOME. I'm not sad for Jordyn, I'm sad for me. I'm sad for this world that so many people missed out on knowing the most amazing little girl. She was beautiful inside and out. A child who lit this world up and made it more beautiful. Who had a smile and laughter that you couldn't deny.

I know one day I'll be with her again. I am thankful for the 2 years, 1 month, and 8 days Chad and I had her. I am in awe that GOD allowed US to be HER parents for 1 second even. I'm eternally grateful for the blessing I have that I can say Jordyn Ashleigh is my daughter and that I got to parent her, hear her call ME Mommy and feel and KNOW her tight sweet hugs. Even in my tears and heartache I'm blessed and I know it and I do not take it for granted.

I honestly don't even know if this makes sense. I feel like I've been all over the place tonight and you know if I have, so be it.

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

I had my next to last OB apt today. I can't believe in just a few short weeks this baby will be here. This pregnancy has just flown by and I sit here looking at my very expanded belly that's rolling from here to there and think that although I don't know if I have a little boy in there or a little girl, I'll soon be holding him/her in my arms, nursing them at my breast, and kissing his/her sweet little head and smelling in that sweet baby goodness. Yesterday I scheduled my c-section and got the date I wanted, which is actually 2 days later than what the doctor offered up, so this one will come at 38 weeks 6 days. He/she is looking to be around the same weight as Emma was, although she/he will be born almost 2 weeks after her so we'll see how close in weight they are! (Emma was 7 lb 13 oz and was my smallest, granted my earliest too!). I'm excited and have to say up until yesterday haven't felt any hurry for this pregnancy to end because I've really been very comfortable over all. Last night though the ligaments began stretching and well if you've never felt that (I never felt it until #3) well it's a um "joy" like no other! LOL It's just really uncomfortable and at times painful and can make walking rather difficult. Let me just say that last night walking without waddling was IMPOSSIBLE. Today I just feel restless unless my feet are up, which doesn't allow for much getting done. I've pretty well settled into that I'm not going to be getting much done until after I've healed up from my c-section (so the next 2 months I'll probably be pretty worthless in getting things done department). I could feel guilty, but I don't because I'm listening to my body and doing what it needs me to do right now. I'm NOT superwoman and have NOTHING to prove to anyone. My husband is so supportive and helps me and encourages me to rest and just do what I can. The boys are being really helpful with various things around here, including Emma.
Now Emma, she's obviously starting her jealousy phase of new baby (who's not quite here) and is reverting to baby talk, which if you know me in real life, you KNOW how much that's not flying with me and is driving me up the wall. I do NOT answer to baby talk, I will not accept it. If that's all she was capable of, it'd be one thing, but considering you can have full blown conversations with this little girl, baby talk is an attention thing with her right now and not acceptable and honestly it's insanely ANNOYING.
The boys are really excited for the baby to get here! They're excited to find out if they have another baby sister or a baby brother! All 3 kids want a sister, I hope they're not disappointed if this baby turns out to be a boy...they'll be over the moon if it's a girl! :)

Yesterday my friend "J" had a c-section and delivered her twins! She had a boy and a girl! Since I was at the same hospital registering for my c-section I was able to stop in for about 5 minutes and say hi and see the babies. They're cute! Her husband's deployed currently and will come home for R&R in a few more weeks. She has a daughter from a previous relationship who's 5, and they were married only a few months before he deployed so when he returns this fall/early winter he's going to be thrown into full throttle parenthood! In the meantime our community is surrounding her in support. People are lining up to stay with her once the babies are home, help with her older daughter, making meals for her so she just has to pull them out and heat them up or pop them in the oven (or who ever is helping her out that day can do it). Please pray for her as she'll be going home in a few days with these new babies and her little girl will return home as well and they adjust from a 1 child family to a 3 child family and with Daddy off at war.

Well, dinner is done and I want to eat (love Burritto/Taco night) and then before heading to bed I'll be putting in a refried bean recipe into the crock pot to cook and be ready to take to PWOC tomorrow as we're having a Cinco de Mayo lunch for our Last PWOC of this "season". Summer starts the day before I have the baby, but won't be able to attend because I'll be at the hospital meeting with one of my drs that morning to prepare for the c-section the next day. I WILL have internet from the hospital, so I'll do my best to get on here and introduce the newest member of our family, but if I don't make it while in the hospital it'll be once I'm released (5 days later).

God Bless

Sunday, May 02, 2010

Names of our Lord and Savior

Have you ever wondered about all the names of GOD? Here they are and what they mean and where they can be found:

Elohim: Powerful GOD: Gen.1:1
Adonai: Lord: Gen. 15:2
El Elyon: God Most High: Gen. 14:19-20
El Shaddai: Almighty God: Gen. 17:1
Yahweh: Israel's Convential God: Exodus 3:14
Jehovah Jireh: The Lord Provides: Gen. 22:14
Jehovah Rophe: The Lord Heals: Exodus 15:26
Jehovah Nissi: The Lord is My Banner: Exodus 17:15,16
Jehovah Mekadesh: The Lord Who Sanctifies You: Lev. 20:8
Jehovah Shalom: The Lord is Peace: Judges 6:24
Jehovah Tsidkenu: The Lord is Our Righteousness: Jeremiah 23:6
Jehovah Rohl: The Lord is my Shepherd: Psalm 23:1
Jehovah Shammah: The Lord is There: Ezekiel 48:35

When you cry out to the Lord, be specific and call him by the name of him as your need or desire. He's there for ALL things, he loves us and wants us to seek him for all of our needs.

For Jesus:
Alpha and Omega
King of Kings
Light of the World
Morning Star
Prince of Peace
Wonderful Councelor
Lamb of God
Savior of the World
The Good Shepherd
The Way
Lord of Lords
Anointed One
Bread of Life
Chief Cornerstone
Great High Priest
Heir of All Things
Holy and Righteous One
Lord of Glory
The Most Holy
The Truth
Word of GOD

Our Savior goes by all those name and when and if you call out any of them, he hears YOU, most of all he loves you, and he'll answer you. Does he always give us the answers we want? No, I'm living proof of that, but that doesn't mean he loves you any less, that his comfort is more or less than had he said yes, that the lesson is more than we can handle. He's there every step of the way with us. He's "THE TRUTH"...the Alpha and Omega (Beginning and End) and he never leaves us.

Next Saturday will be 10 years since my sweet Jordyn went home to Heaven. I am not a fan of May 8, it's pretty well the worst day of MY life, yet I think of what a GLORIOUS DAY it must have been for Jordyn. Let me tell you, it's taken me 10 years to truly try to focus on the day for HER. I am in no denial that I very well may focus on how it effected me as well, but I truly and prayerfully want this day to be focused on my little girl and how wonderful our Lord is that he took her from the suffering she was experiencing, took her from this world full of sin, and gave her peace, comfort, and the perfection of Heaven. I couldn't ask for more for my sweet Jordyn. This is an emotional month for me. With Jordyn's Heaven day and the impending birth of our 5th child only a couple weeks later.....stick with me ok. Pray for me, praise JESUS, and call out his NAMES. I'm living proof that we live through the worst thing imaginable as mother can go through. I'm living proof that even in our storms, even when we feel MAD at GOD, when we don't understand WHY he didn't answer our prayers the way WE wanted him to, that we can still praise him, that we can still love him, and that most of all he still loves us. Even when I screamed out to him in anger, in grief...he NEVER left him. Even when I threw temper tantrums and refused to go to Church because it was the only way I knew to punish HIM, he loved me anyways. He loved ME anyways. He carried me through my darkest hours of grief and HE showed me there was light not just at the end of that dark tunnel I was in, but all the way through it. Jesus is our Light, He is our Comforter, and he never leaves us, ever.
I may not know what your valley is, where you are in that tunnel, but GOD is there and he knows. I will pray for you in any way you want me to. You don't need me though, the only one you need is Jesus.