Trying to find the words and there are so many going through my head and yet none that truly can convey what's on my heart. Here in Germany it's almost 1 AM, so it's officially the day Jordyn went home to Heaven. I want to have the attitude I had the other day of celebrating her eternity with Jesus, but I'm not feeling very happy right now. The tears keep welling up in my eyes and I can still blink them away for now, how long that will last only GOD knows. Lets be real here ok. Grief HURTS. You don't just stop grieving because it's been 2 years or 5 years or TEN YEARS....it's been ten years since Jordyn died. How, how is that possible? I can still remember that day so clearly. To be really honest here I can still hear my screams to Jesus to bring her back. I can still feel the horror of having to call Chad because he'd left the day before for Ohio to attend his Grandfather's funeral, to tell him his baby girl was now with Jesus. I can still feel myself rocking her back and forth while sitting on the floor, pleading with her and pleading with GOD to just bring her back, oh please bring her back. But she was gone. Her pain and suffering were over and I would NEVER bring her back from Heaven....but it still hurts.
My reality is my arms will always be missing a child to hold. I am "that" Mom....Jordyn is "that" child who "got" cancer and then died. I'm here and I survived the death of my child. I didn't survive because I'm stronger than any one else. I'm not amazing. I'm not anything special. I had NO CHOICE. I prayed that I would wake up in Heaven for months on end, but GOD did not answer that prayer as I wanted, just as he didn't take the cancer and heal Jordyn the way I wanted. I'm not angry, although I have been there. I'm not even eternally sad...but still feel sadness. I don't feel guilty for allowing the feelings to come. I won't lie and act like all is always ok. I am me. I'm real. I'm honest. I know where Jordyn is and I'm so thankful to know where she is and know she's safe and she's truly HOME. I'm not sad for Jordyn, I'm sad for me. I'm sad for this world that so many people missed out on knowing the most amazing little girl. She was beautiful inside and out. A child who lit this world up and made it more beautiful. Who had a smile and laughter that you couldn't deny.
I know one day I'll be with her again. I am thankful for the 2 years, 1 month, and 8 days Chad and I had her. I am in awe that GOD allowed US to be HER parents for 1 second even. I'm eternally grateful for the blessing I have that I can say Jordyn Ashleigh is my daughter and that I got to parent her, hear her call ME Mommy and feel and KNOW her tight sweet hugs. Even in my tears and heartache I'm blessed and I know it and I do not take it for granted.
I honestly don't even know if this makes sense. I feel like I've been all over the place tonight and you know if I have, so be it.