Thursday, February 28, 2008

If My Head Weren't Attached

I know we've all had days, weeks, months, probably for some even years where if your head were not attached you'd forget it too! I was having a great day today! I had a dentist apt today for a cleaning, that went well, picked the kids up from my friend who so kindly watched them. At 3:00 Emma and Jacob had pictures taken for Emma's 6 months and Jacob turning 7. Those went great, I let the kids play at the CAC playroom for about 30 minutes, grabbed a snack and then we headed home. Stopped at the park, but only stayed for about 5 minutes since Jack was in sandels and socks and I wouldn't let him take them off and he decided he had to go to the bathroom, so we came home. I got dinner going (already had it planned what we were having for the last 2 days actually!!) and sat down here and my phone rang. It was my FRG leader. The moment she said who it was I remembered. I was supposed to make dinner for a soldier's family. His wife is in the hospital and so he and their kids need fed! I felt horrible, knowing it'd take at least 1 1/2-2 hrs to make what I had planned since my chicken wasn't defrosted. Thankfully we got it all situated, but I just blanked on it.

On other news, just a few more days until Chad's home. I'm ready. I've missed him so much this month. Normally when he goes out for training it doesn't bother me that much, and really I've been fine, but the last week I've just felt like "isn't the month done yet?". Knowing that he'll be heading downrange in just a short while. Knowing all he'll be missing out on with the kids. It's our 5th deployment, I KNOW how this goes. I know we'll get through it, I know he'll get through it. I also know there will be bumps in the road, tears, laughter, and growth. Most of all I know God will carry us through. So enough of my moping. I'm counting down the days until my honey's home and we can enjoy the time we have together before he's gone again.

Sunday, February 24, 2008

The Most Important Thing

Tonight we had Awana and as always it was wonderful. Wonderful that God's allowed me to help lead children into a relationship with himself, watch my oldest son's relationship with Christ grow, know that just across the street my youngest son's relationship is growing with Christ, and that in the midst of all of it Emma's being exposed even without her knowing it fully!

Tonight we had a special speaker. Bob Mortimer. He's been here before as a speaker and he's not only inspirational to adults, he's so honest and kids LOVE him! His legs and left arm were all amputated because of choices he made as a young, unsaved man. Drugs and alcohol. But he came to know Christ, married a woman that as he says "be still my heart", he's obviously in love with, and has 3 children.

The thing is this man is a great example that we never know how God is going to change us. God could have stopped Bob and his brother from getting in that vehicle that night. He could have shown Bob the utility lines that were down on the ground before he fell upon them, yet he didn't. He allowed consequences to his actions, and painful and life changing ones, yet without them he very well may have never came to have a relationship with him.

I don't know what tomorrow holds for me or my children. What I do know is that showing them that a relationship with Christ is essential is the most important thing I can give them, show them, teach them. I have to be a living example of Christ to them, if I'm not, then what am I teaching them? Jesus is the absolute most important man in my life and he must be the most important in my children's. He must be more important than Chad. I don't know what life holds for my children, what I do know is that if they don't have a relationship with Jesus it's not going to mean a single thing. They could have all the success that life has to offer them, but they can't take that success to Heaven with them. They could have ever material item that this world allows, but when they die it's going to remain here. What I can teach them is that a relationship with Jesus is something they can take with them when they day and will allow them an eternity in Heaven, without that relationship they can only guarentee an eternity in hell.

I have a responsibility to my children to show them the way to Heaven. They'll have to make the choice to go, but I have to show them the door, if I don't, I have no business being a parent.

For a few years I was locked in this idea that the worse thing that could happen to me was for another of my children to die or Chad to die, but that's absolutely not the worse thing. The worst thing that could happen is one of them dying without a relationship with Christ. Without salvation they have nothing. I must teach them about Christ. I must show them Christ through my own actions, words, and heart. I must surround them with others who are living for Christ as well, and explain to them the alternative. Once I've done that, I've done the most important part of my job as their momma. There is still a great deal of work to be done even after showing them the road to Salvation, but nothing will be nearly as important!

So my question for each of you today, for those who have children...what's stopping you from sharing Christ with them? Do you think your children are invinsible? Do you think that tomorrow is promised to them? It's not. I'm living proof.

My prayer for you is that you will introduce your children to Jesus, if you have not already. That you'll not only talk the talk of Christ, you'll be walking the walk as well. That you can show them how to love our Savior and just what he can do in their life. It doesn't mean we are going to be perfect. It does not mean we're not going to have bad days as parents, women, etc...just that his love and gift are free.

God Bless

Monday, February 11, 2008

Being the Mother I Need To Be

Last night I was on Beth Moore's blog that she and her 2 daughter's blog on. Her youngest daughter, Melissa is getting married next weekend and she wrote her a letter. I was in tears reading such a loving, personal, letter. To read the words that my own heart has ached so many times to be told to me from my own mother and to know there are truly mother's and daughter's out there that have the kind of relationship I've always longed for. To a degree it saddened me to know I don't have it, and may never. Then today as I thought about it more, I realized that it doesn't mean I will NEVER have the relationship I desire with my mother, one day. Right now what I see the biggest hurdle in not having that relationship with my mother that I desire is her lacking relationship with Christ. She grew up in a Christian home and she does believe in Christ, she just does not live a Christian life. Now I do know we can never truly know another person's relationship with Christ, but this is my mother I'm talking about and although there's plenty I do not know about her...I was raised by her, I watched her, I learned (or in this case did not learn) from her. We were never formally taught anything about Jesus from my parents. I mean it, not a thing. If his name was brought up, it was more often than not as cursing. Not exactly a way to develop a lasting relationship with our savior. Now I do remember asking my mom (my dad was probably there at times, but I just remember it being my mom) different things about God...the dreaded "how do we know he exists" and the even bigger one "how did he come about, who created GOD?"...there was a natural curiousity without a doubt, even at a young age. My parents never "prevented" us from going to church. My mom grew up in a Pentacostal church and my Dad grew up in a Baptist, so instead of finding a happy medium or one or the other going to the other's church, they just decided not to attend church at all! I do have one memory of my childhood during the years my dad worked for the Oilfields or else building raidroad tracks, where my mom took us to church. I remember her absolutely sobbing. There was only a handful of people there, I remember it being an evening service, and I remember the 5 or so people surrounding my mom, holding her, praying with (or over her), etc. I remember my mom saying "we'll be back" and us never returning. When we moved back to KS (half way through my kindergarten year) over the years we'd go to church with my dad's mom, if we were visiting my mom's dad and his wife we'd go to church with them (at least my brother and I), when we got into Jr.High my brother and I went to Youth Group at a Methodist church in my hometown and continued throughout at least my sophmore or jr yr in highschool. I will say I did not learn a lot in youth group, it was more of a place to just hang out and have fun with my friends. I can say honestly I don't remember learning a thing in it, other than make out sessions (obviously not what any of us should have been doing).

So I know I kind of got off track, the point of this is to say I did not grow up having an example of a Christian mother. I don't recall my mom ever actually praying. I had a decent childhood, it was definately not horrible. I had a so-so relationship with my mom. I know even today she likes to describe my teen years as what seems to just be the worst of her life, and the sad thing is I really was not all that bad. I was fairly wild, I do not deny that by any means, but rarely did I miss curfew, I ALWAYS told her where I was going when I went out, and was very honest with her when she asked me questions on what I did. I was a good student and athlete. I didn't have any major bumps in the road in high school. I know I was sassy, moody no doubt, but so often was laughing. I'd bring my friends to my house to hang out, my friends liked my parents and they liked my friends, and boysfriends alike. It truly hurts me even now all these years later when she brings up those years as if I caused her to wait up hours on end wondering where I was (that was my brother's job actually). There were lots of ugly things said to me as a teen girl only wanting her mother to tell her she was beautiful, special, and all those wonderful things a girl needs to hear at that age...but never got to.

So that leads me to this. Reading Beth Moore's words to her daughter, brought joy and sadness to my heart. To read of a mother's love, a love that she has for her daughter because she's her daughter, but also because they both know Jesus, have a relationship with him, and are strong in that was amazing to me. Nothing short of amazing. It was sad to know I never have had that type of relationship with my own mother. But....I'm praying for it. I've never actually prayed for that sort of relationship with my mom. I guess I just have thought that was it, that was the relationship I had with my mother and that was all I was going to have with her. The fact is though, God can do anything. He has changed so many hearts, so many relationships with mothers and daughters, so why have I been limiting him? Why can't I seek him in healing the relationship between my own mother and me? Who am I to say it's not possible? Anything is possible through Christ.

My desire beyond my own relationship with my mother is to have the relationship I desire with my mom, with Emma. As she grows up, I want us to be close. I want to be the person she wants to turn to. I have so many longings in my heart for her and for our relationship. I want her and my boys to have a deep relationship with Christ. (This goes for any other children God blesses us with as well).

So....with that I URGE you to go on over there:

Read "To Melissa" dated for Feb. 9, 2008.

Friday, February 08, 2008

PWOC Women's Conference!

***I wrote this out for another blog, but thought I'd put it here. I'm just C&P because I'm being lazy! LOL*****

The first part of the conference went great tonight! Let me tell you that if you've never just FELT GOD in a room with you, you're truly missing out. I could just feel him all around me tonight in chapel. Oh what an absolute blessing! First we had our local choir sing, well the ladies of the choir. They sang one song, then one of the ladies sat down and the other 2 sang a duet and it was beautiful. I just had chills and goosebumps all over my body. I just got them again thinking about it. One of the ladies just has the most amazing, beautiful, and powerful voices I've ever heard! What a loss the Gospel world has by her not being a recording artist. Yes she's seriously that good. Everytime I hear her sing I am just touched to the core. After they finished we had scriptural reading, then "C" played the piano. She and her husband who's a chaplain are both Korean. They were both born and raised there and actually had an arranged marriage. They DO love each other and had known each other since they were born. We definately live in culture! :) She plays just so beautifully. I always wanted to play piano and listening to her, it's testimony of WHY. When it's done well, it's just amazing. After she finished there was another scriptural reading and then I sang. No music was played...just me and the microphone and Emma who was being held by "B" was singing too! LOL I sang, Promise of a Lifetime by Kutless. I had just sang this on Wed. as my devotional for PWOC. I was supposed to sing "God of Wonders" but just really did not feel that was the song God meant for me to sing tonight. I prayed with my friend T who's the one in charge of the Conference and God made it VERY clearn during our prayer that this was the song I was to sing. So I sang it. Let me tell you, on Wed. in front our our intimate group of women who I'm friends with almost all of, my voice shook at various times, I got choked up a couple times...I did well, but it wasn't as good as I wanted it to be. Tonight voice never shook. I kept hearing Emma and just found myself smiling and praising GOD while I was singing. I wanted this song to be all about Jesus. All about him, all about how he promised us he'd never leave us, that he's here always, that we can always count on him...I sang that song not to those beautiful women sitting in the chapel tonight, but I sang it to Jesus. I sang it to my savior, who has held me when I've been down on my knee's with my face in the floor. I sang it to him,as he held me when I couldn't hold myself up. I sang it to the one who has loved me through all my ugliness and still did not turn his back on me. I sang it to the man who holds my child in his arms and keeps her. Wednesday I sang it to the ladies, tonight I sang it to Christ and oh what a difference it made! After me, another scriptural reading and then the ladies who come to PWOC but go to the Free Gospel service did a Dance to a song called "Yes". WOW! Many of us were crying. I plan on getting this song, it's just amazing. The ladies danced this song as words. Four beautiful women, dancing for Jesus! We had a Poem read by our Board president and it was also beautiful. It was about being Quiet and just hearing God, listening to him. It was perfect. Then we had a Christian band. The lead singer is our Area Vice President. The bass player is OUR Ch. Assistant, so we all cheered quite loudly for him! ;) The band was great. Tomorrow the lead singer will be the guest speaker.
Oh, I forgot! We all got surpised too! One of our sisters and a precious friend of mine, they moved a week after she had her son, about 3 hrs away. (To another Army Post). Anyways, she came! She's going to be here until Wednesday! She walked up to me and I actually screamed out of Joy! I was so thrilled to see her! She wanted to surprise me! Her little boy has grown so much! He's almost 3 months old and just so beautiful! I just grabbed him from her! She couldn't believe how big Emma's gotten! She held her at the end of the evening and couldn't believe how active and vocal she is either! LOL!
Anyways, tonight was wonderful. Sorry no video of me singing to the one (I think Janis??) who asked! But here's the words to the song!

Promise Of A Lifetime LyricsArtist(Band):Kutless
Review The Song (1)
Print the Lyrics

I have fallen to my knees
As I sing a lullaby of pain
I’m feeling broken in my melody
As I sing to help the tears go away
Then I remember the pledge you made to me

I know you’re always there
To hear my every prayer inside
I’m clinging to the promiseof a lifetime
I hear the words you say
To never walk away from me and leave behind
The promise of a lifetime

(2nd Part of Chorus)
Looking back at me
I know that you can see my heart is open toT
he Promise of a lifetime

Will you help me fall apart
Pick me up, take me in your arms
Find my way back from the storm
And you show me how to grow
Through the change
I still remember the pledge you made to me
I am holding on to the hope I have inside
With you I will stay through every day
Putting my understanding aside
And I am comforted

I'm truly looking forward to tomorrow! Oh btw! Tomorrow is my birthday!! :) I'll be 31! :) I am finding I'm enjoying getting older, enjoying my birthday's! It's a blessing really. God has allowed me to live one more day, one more year. What a blessing that is! Have a fabulous evening!
PS, please keep Emily in your prayers. God knows what is going on, it's a good thing, it's TRULY a GOD thing...but just keep her in them if you would!

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Blessings all around

Here it is 8 til midnight and I hear Emma "talking" to Jackson who's got a sore throat so of course he needs to sleep in my bed! We cosleep so that's why Emma's there. Chad's gone for the month so there's at least room for Jack. I just nursed Emma and went and laid her down and Jack looked so miserable. I gave him a throat lozenger to suck on and told him to stay awake until it was gone, he of course ate it! While I went to the kitchen to get him some water, Emma had started a conversation with Jack! LOL She's laying there with her hand on his arm just jabbering away. These are the moments I want to seal into my memory. I don't want to forget them. Jack laying there smiling at his baby sister, while she's absolutely thrilled to find him next to her! I know these days are precious, they're few and far between, and that they'll be over long before I'm ready.

I have learned a great deal about being a mother in the last almost 10 yrs of being a mother, I've learned possibly more by being a mother who's buried her child. I GET it! I get that tomorrow's never promised and for those who know me, you know that's my saying. It's absolutely not promised, not even for our children. I know that our children are babies one moment and talking back the next. I can simply look at Jacob and Emma and see how FAST 7 yrs goes by. It's all in a blink of an eye.

I hold onto my babies maybe tighter than a lot of other momma's. Not because I think I'm a better mother, all knowing, or anything like that. I just get that these are the moments I will NEVER have again. I will never have this day back. It's 2 minutes from being over. I'll never hear Emma babble to Jackson like that again, not for the first time. The joy on her face as she talked to him was beyond precious. I believe it's because she had him right beside her like that in our bed for the first time...where it was JUST the two of them.

As my heart aches over the time that's already gone, I rejoice in what I have right now. Today. I don't wish yesterday back or tomorrow gone. I am doing my absolute best to just enjoy today. I do not know what tomorrow will bring to me or my family. I know what I believe it will, but God's showed me time and time again that what I have planned is not always what he has planned. I think he's humored me many times in letting me believe I know what's going to happen.

Now as a new day begins, quiet has already come over my home. My heart sings to know my babies are all safe and warm right where they belong. Jordyn, in Jesus' arms, playing with Miller Grace. Although Miller Grace is not her baby sister, they're still connected and Emma and Miller Grace are almost the same age so until her Momma joins her up in heaven I like to believe Jordyn's with Miller Grace showing her all the wonderful places to cuddle at, the best place to run and play, the softest place in Jesus's arm.

Tonight as I prepare for bed I will lay there thanking God for the blessings he's given me and the ones he did not, because they were not what I needed.

Sunday, February 03, 2008

I'm a good mom. I recognize this. I love my children, I teach my children (literally), I enjoy my children. What I struggle with is being a good wife. I love my husband don't get me wrong. He frustrates me at times to no end. But I struggle being a Godly wife. I struggle being submissive. I struggle with intimacy. Yes I said it. I struggle with it. Because of that I see sadness and rejection in my husband's eyes. That's not ok. God tells us that this is a gift between a husband and a wife. That it's supposed to be joyful for both of us. That it's a gift I give to my husband and he gives to me. That it's a comforting measure. I have not see it in that light for a long time. The thing I notice is that many of the women and friends I have, are like me in that we see it as a chore.

In my PWOC class it's on Initmacy Issues. Let me tell you right now, last term I was in the wrong class. I thought I was supposed to be there, but it wasn't right. I hadn't listened to GOD, but went with what I thought I wanted/needed. I was wrong. So I ended up being in a place where God did not intend for me to be in. This time, I went kicking and screaming into my class. I honestly would rather be in the parenting book class that's being offered or even the class about keeping my big mouth shut...but no that's not where God wants me to be. Lovely is all I could think when I realized this was the class God intended for me. God has been convicted me daily, and if that's not a testimony that I'm supposed to be in this class, nothing is! Chad LOVES this class! ROFL

I have a long ways to go, I mean a loooooooooooooooooooooong way. I do like the book. It's an easy and short read, it's just that even with that it's got me in a corner that I'm trying to get out of. I don't WANT to talk to Chad about this class, yet it's exactly what I am supposed to do. Grrrr! LOL Let me tell you, it's rather a pain sometimes when we follow God's will. But ultimately I know if I do this, my marriage will be so much more than it already is.

Chad's going to be heading out to the field here shortly. He'll be gone for a full month. It stinks, but that's life you know. Then before we know it, he'll be heading off for the big sandbox. It makes me sad. Sad that my husband is going to be gone. Sad that our children will be missing Daddy and that he'll be missing them. Sad that he'll miss out on these daily normalcy's, sad that he'll miss the special moments in our lives as well. By the time he gets home Jack will be turning 6 yrs old. Emma will be 2. Hard to imagine my sweet, beautiful 6 month old (tolday) will be 2 by the time her Daddy gets home.

This is the Army life. It's not always easy, but it's still our life and I wouldn't change it!