Sunday, February 03, 2008

I'm a good mom. I recognize this. I love my children, I teach my children (literally), I enjoy my children. What I struggle with is being a good wife. I love my husband don't get me wrong. He frustrates me at times to no end. But I struggle being a Godly wife. I struggle being submissive. I struggle with intimacy. Yes I said it. I struggle with it. Because of that I see sadness and rejection in my husband's eyes. That's not ok. God tells us that this is a gift between a husband and a wife. That it's supposed to be joyful for both of us. That it's a gift I give to my husband and he gives to me. That it's a comforting measure. I have not see it in that light for a long time. The thing I notice is that many of the women and friends I have, are like me in that we see it as a chore.

In my PWOC class it's on Initmacy Issues. Let me tell you right now, last term I was in the wrong class. I thought I was supposed to be there, but it wasn't right. I hadn't listened to GOD, but went with what I thought I wanted/needed. I was wrong. So I ended up being in a place where God did not intend for me to be in. This time, I went kicking and screaming into my class. I honestly would rather be in the parenting book class that's being offered or even the class about keeping my big mouth shut...but no that's not where God wants me to be. Lovely is all I could think when I realized this was the class God intended for me. God has been convicted me daily, and if that's not a testimony that I'm supposed to be in this class, nothing is! Chad LOVES this class! ROFL

I have a long ways to go, I mean a loooooooooooooooooooooong way. I do like the book. It's an easy and short read, it's just that even with that it's got me in a corner that I'm trying to get out of. I don't WANT to talk to Chad about this class, yet it's exactly what I am supposed to do. Grrrr! LOL Let me tell you, it's rather a pain sometimes when we follow God's will. But ultimately I know if I do this, my marriage will be so much more than it already is.

Chad's going to be heading out to the field here shortly. He'll be gone for a full month. It stinks, but that's life you know. Then before we know it, he'll be heading off for the big sandbox. It makes me sad. Sad that my husband is going to be gone. Sad that our children will be missing Daddy and that he'll be missing them. Sad that he'll miss out on these daily normalcy's, sad that he'll miss the special moments in our lives as well. By the time he gets home Jack will be turning 6 yrs old. Emma will be 2. Hard to imagine my sweet, beautiful 6 month old (tolday) will be 2 by the time her Daddy gets home.

This is the Army life. It's not always easy, but it's still our life and I wouldn't change it!


Amy said...

I'm with you girl. I think most women would agree as well that intimacy is a tough issue during this stage of life. I applaud you for taking such a great stance on making such a wonderful change. It can only help! :)

Amber said...

You are among the lucky ones. You have established a support group within your PWOC group. I know that deployment is difficult, but your children are lucky to have a strong woman for a mother.

Emily said...

You humbled me... and I know you love that. ;)

Chelle' said...

Hey Christy- thanks for visiting my blog and answering the questions to my parenting poll. It has been such a blessing, and also has given much perspective, to see the roles we as SAHM's fill.

As for your post- I remember feeling EXACTLY as you did at one point and making a post similar to the parental roles post to see what other women felt about these intimate issues. I think I have since taken it off the blog but I want to email it to you with everyone's answers so you can see just how "NOT ALONE" you are in your feelings.

Obviously I am with you on the thoughts that ultimately this is a gift given us that we also give one to another and should not be viewed as a chore... but with all we as women have going on in our lives... without conscious effort- it can quickly become mundane and unecessary.

Hoping to keep in touch with you. I'm enjoying your posts.