Being the Mother I Need To Be

Last night I was on Beth Moore's blog that she and her 2 daughter's blog on. Her youngest daughter, Melissa is getting married next weekend and she wrote her a letter. I was in tears reading such a loving, personal, letter. To read the words that my own heart has ached so many times to be told to me from my own mother and to know there are truly mother's and daughter's out there that have the kind of relationship I've always longed for. To a degree it saddened me to know I don't have it, and may never. Then today as I thought about it more, I realized that it doesn't mean I will NEVER have the relationship I desire with my mother, one day. Right now what I see the biggest hurdle in not having that relationship with my mother that I desire is her lacking relationship with Christ. She grew up in a Christian home and she does believe in Christ, she just does not live a Christian life. Now I do know we can never truly know another person's relationship with Christ, but this is my mother I'm talking about and although there's plenty I do not know about her...I was raised by her, I watched her, I learned (or in this case did not learn) from her. We were never formally taught anything about Jesus from my parents. I mean it, not a thing. If his name was brought up, it was more often than not as cursing. Not exactly a way to develop a lasting relationship with our savior. Now I do remember asking my mom (my dad was probably there at times, but I just remember it being my mom) different things about God...the dreaded "how do we know he exists" and the even bigger one "how did he come about, who created GOD?"...there was a natural curiousity without a doubt, even at a young age. My parents never "prevented" us from going to church. My mom grew up in a Pentacostal church and my Dad grew up in a Baptist, so instead of finding a happy medium or one or the other going to the other's church, they just decided not to attend church at all! I do have one memory of my childhood during the years my dad worked for the Oilfields or else building raidroad tracks, where my mom took us to church. I remember her absolutely sobbing. There was only a handful of people there, I remember it being an evening service, and I remember the 5 or so people surrounding my mom, holding her, praying with (or over her), etc. I remember my mom saying "we'll be back" and us never returning. When we moved back to KS (half way through my kindergarten year) over the years we'd go to church with my dad's mom, if we were visiting my mom's dad and his wife we'd go to church with them (at least my brother and I), when we got into Jr.High my brother and I went to Youth Group at a Methodist church in my hometown and continued throughout at least my sophmore or jr yr in highschool. I will say I did not learn a lot in youth group, it was more of a place to just hang out and have fun with my friends. I can say honestly I don't remember learning a thing in it, other than make out sessions (obviously not what any of us should have been doing).

So I know I kind of got off track, the point of this is to say I did not grow up having an example of a Christian mother. I don't recall my mom ever actually praying. I had a decent childhood, it was definately not horrible. I had a so-so relationship with my mom. I know even today she likes to describe my teen years as what seems to just be the worst of her life, and the sad thing is I really was not all that bad. I was fairly wild, I do not deny that by any means, but rarely did I miss curfew, I ALWAYS told her where I was going when I went out, and was very honest with her when she asked me questions on what I did. I was a good student and athlete. I didn't have any major bumps in the road in high school. I know I was sassy, moody no doubt, but so often was laughing. I'd bring my friends to my house to hang out, my friends liked my parents and they liked my friends, and boysfriends alike. It truly hurts me even now all these years later when she brings up those years as if I caused her to wait up hours on end wondering where I was (that was my brother's job actually). There were lots of ugly things said to me as a teen girl only wanting her mother to tell her she was beautiful, special, and all those wonderful things a girl needs to hear at that age...but never got to.

So that leads me to this. Reading Beth Moore's words to her daughter, brought joy and sadness to my heart. To read of a mother's love, a love that she has for her daughter because she's her daughter, but also because they both know Jesus, have a relationship with him, and are strong in that was amazing to me. Nothing short of amazing. It was sad to know I never have had that type of relationship with my own mother. But....I'm praying for it. I've never actually prayed for that sort of relationship with my mom. I guess I just have thought that was it, that was the relationship I had with my mother and that was all I was going to have with her. The fact is though, God can do anything. He has changed so many hearts, so many relationships with mothers and daughters, so why have I been limiting him? Why can't I seek him in healing the relationship between my own mother and me? Who am I to say it's not possible? Anything is possible through Christ.

My desire beyond my own relationship with my mother is to have the relationship I desire with my mom, with Emma. As she grows up, I want us to be close. I want to be the person she wants to turn to. I have so many longings in my heart for her and for our relationship. I want her and my boys to have a deep relationship with Christ. (This goes for any other children God blesses us with as well).

So....with that I URGE you to go on over there: http://livingproofministries.blogspot.com/


Read "To Melissa" dated for Feb. 9, 2008.