Sunday, September 30, 2007

Being Real

I've been feeling rather numb lately. I have every reason to feel so happy and I have joy in me...I have Jesus as my savior, a husband who loves me, beautiful children, yet my heart still aches. If I'm going to be real on here well here it is. Sometimes the pain of losing Jordyn to Heaven is so overwhelming. I just struggle to breath at times. I know she's in better hands. I know she's with Jesus and honestly I'd never take that from her, she's where we all long to be one day....at the feet of Jesus.

Some of you know how much I ached to have another daughter, my arms ached for her. God graced us with Emma Grace almost 2 months ago and I can't even find the words most days to tell anyone how much I love this little girl. I don't love her more than my other children, I just love her differently, just as I love each of my kids different. Maybe I thought she'd fill that empty spot in my heart. I know how rediculous, you'd think after 7 1/2 yrs and 2 boys before her, I'd have KNOWN. The problem is, I didn't even REALIZE it, that there was a longing for this hole to be filled. I know oh I know Jesus can fill any hole in my life, the thing that I'm realizing is that he's leaving it open, wide open for a reason. I'm supposed to depend on him MORE to fill me up, and well I need that hole to keep me grounded. I guess I need this hole to be reminded just how precious life is, how fast it can be taken away from you, no matter HOW MUCH you love.

I'll even admit more. I'm scared like I've not been scared in a very long time. So scared that God will find it his will to once again take my daughter from me and take her home to Heaven. I'm terrified of that. I sit here knowing the reality is, he most likely won't..yet I cling to Emma with a fear that I can't quiet and I know it's Satan. He wants me to focus more on her and the boys than Jesus...well he found my weakness and I'm struggling with it.


Today I witnessed 5 children dedicate their lives to Jesus. I watched them literally take the plunge and be baptised. It was beautiful, it was precious, and I got to watch those sweet children profess their love for Jesus and desire to walk the path he has set out for them. I looked at Jacob who was there to witness it as well and thought of how I can't wait for him and his siblings to give their lives over to Christ fully and completely, and I found my thoughts going to Jordyn. How she loved him like I've never seen another love Jesus at her sweet and tender age throughout her sweet little, short life of 2 yrs 1 month and 8 days. She KNEW Jesus and she was ready and willing to go home to him, even as my heart screamed NO. I wish I could say I was as peaceful and joyful over her leaving my arms for Jesus's, but if I did I'd be lying. I begged her to come back to me when she took her last breath. I sat there rocking her sweet little body, begging her to please just come back to me for a little while longer. I didn't want God to have her just yet. I hadn't had enough time with her. The fact is, and I know this now without a doubt, no amount of time would have been long enough, when it came to me out living her.

I know this probably makes no sense. I'm tired, I'm sad, I'm aching and most of all I just feel numb to a point. I'm struggling to be me.

If I can tell you one thing about grief...it's that it doesn't stop not completely. I have lots of great days, but I sit here right now crying because I miss Jordyn so much, it just hurts. I would love to hold her in my arms again, to smell her sweet head, to run my finger over her face, and kiss it. I see it more clearly now than ever..Emma is NOT a replacement for Jordyn. She's not a cure all for my broken heart. She's Emma Grace...nothing more and nothing less. She has a new part of my heart that didn't exist before she was created.

It's time for me to be real with myself. It's not going to be pretty.

5 comments:

Scott B. said...

Praying for you!

Kelly said...

oh my word, you just said it all so perfectly! I love you Christy, and I cannot imagine what you are are going through right now.

Searching4Angels said...

Christy~I'm so sorry you feel sadness. I know I'm late here, but I happened upon a blog, happened upon another, and then to you. I don't dare ask what you are going through right now~but just know that you are cared for. Take your much needed break, regroup, focus on you and what YOU need. My thoughts are with you. Until you return~
Angel

Emily said...

I love you. You know I do. ;)

I'm going to sound like the oddball here, but I am thankful for how you're feeling. Not because you hurt, not because you're sad, not because Jordyn is gone. Because you're being real. And it's only when we're real, when we admit what is in our hands and in our hearts that God can work fully in our lives. You're doing. It's hard work, but you'll be better for it. And so will those 3 sweet babies you're still holding.

I'm here. You know I am. :)

LOVE you.

Kelly said...

While you and I disagree on religion I'm going to speak (type) what I would say if you and I had the same beliefs.
Maybe some of what you are feeling is guilt for your new baby girl - that Jordyn may think you have forgotten her? And also some anger at god that he called her back to heaven? Both are totally understandable and normal feelings. You obviously have a big heart and are capable of loving all of your kids. I guess I would say just to feel what you feel and know that it's okay to feel that way. Your life has to be led as if your children will lead long and happy lives - even though you know that doesn't always happen. Good luck with all of this Christy - you really are one of the best people I have known - even though we don't really know each other - I'm amazed at your life.