Thursday, October 10, 2013

Punch in the stomach moments

Tonight, I was browsing on facebook and came across a mom whose son went through chemo with Jordyn and had his bone marrow transplant (BMT) with Jordyn. I'm nosey by nature, no reason to lie, I am. I click on his facebook page and felt the punch into my stomach as I see he's married. The tears began to flow and grief took over. The reality of what never will be when it comes to Jordyn was in my face. Now I should say 2 girls that were in treatment with Jordyn have both gotten married and one is actually expecting her first baby, which is such a miracle in and of itself (relapsed I believe twice after her initial diagnosis, so a great deal of chemo and radiation). There was just something about seeing him, smiling, alive, and married. Now please understand that I am so happy he's alive, that he's happy, that he's married. It was simply a reminder of what I'll never get to experience with Jordyn.
Grief is funny like that. It has no rhyme or reason. It comes at the oddest time and just simply makes no sense what so ever. Tonight I was reminded just how raw grief can be and how quickly it can wash over. Thankfully, it didn't last long. I talked through it with a friend and by the end the tears were gone and all I felt was joy, pure joy for this young man who has survived childhood cancer and has truly beaten the odds. He had a harsh cancer to begin with, he had as far as I know 2 bone marrow transplants. I do remember when we were in the hospital he was dealing with some pretty severe graf vs host disease (which is a good and bad thing to have, if it's mild it's a great thing to have and what we wish Jordyn would have had, but when it's severe it's often deadly and he had it severely so to know he survived makes my heart sing). I can not tell you how happy I am that he's living his life and I have no doubt, living it well.