Monday, September 23, 2013

I'm Done

I'm done not being real. I'm done putting a smile on my face and acting like everything is "fine" or "good". Things are not great in really any aspect of my life. I'm unhappy with my "self" in general. I don't like my body, I don't like who I've become. I'm not a good wife to my husband, I'm a worse mom to my kids. I loose it constantly on everyone.
I can't tell you the last time anyone actually listened to ME. I don't know the last time I let anyone know anything about me that is really deep. NO ONE and I do mean NO ONE knows and the fact is no one cares. I can remember from the time I was very young being told I was a "good listener" and from that time I've always felt like, it's because no one cares to hear ME.
I feel empty. I feel unloved. I am lost. Desperate.
I am not suicidal, but do think life would be so much better if God would just take me home. I sound dramatic and ridiculous. Is it too much to ask for people who claim to care and love me to actually show it? Is it too much to want a friend to ask "how are you" and actually feel like they REALLY want to know and are not just waiting for you to stop talking so they can start? It's been so long since I had that. I'm starting to question if that's even out there for me.
The woman who knows the Lord, tells herself "God's trying to get your attention. Lean on Him. Tell Him." The selfish part of me says "I know that, but I also want just one person in this world to really care and want to hear what I have to say." 
I don't know if it'll happen, I'm not counting on it. So I'm just going to be real here. I don't expect that anyone will read this. It's fine.
I have decided that since I on facebook quite a bit, I'm going to start deleting people and limiting what most can see on my page. If I don't think you're a real friend, you're either being limited or deleted. I'm tired of reaching out and sharing parts of my life, and getting nothing.

I have a "friend" who lives a few states away. Not long after we moved back, we talked and she said she was going to come visit. She didn't. As soon as another friend moved to the same state, but different place, she drove those hours and spent a weekend with her, not a word to me. That hurt. I'd never do that to her. IF I was with in 2 hours of her, I'd have at least let her know so if she could come meet me she could have. I would have came up to see her, even if just for a few hours, but obviously I don't mean crap to her. So I'm done being "nice". I refuse to leave my heart open to people who don't care. You know, that's not true. I do care. It hurts and when I brought it up, it was made clear that I was not a priority to her. She can stick by friends who are liars, cheats, and treat her like crap. I don't have to be treated that way as well and I won't be anymore.

I'm tired of being the one who has to go visit people, yet no one can bother to visit me. It's what it is at this point. I am finally seeing my value to others and it's not squat. I've allowed that, but I'm done. If I'm not important to you, then I'll do us both a favor and step away.


Grandma~rella said...

Christy...It's G'Ma Cindy. I sooooo FEEL YOU!! Am there, on the same page, WITH YOU!! Have been for many, many years and am so PROUD of you for getting this out here...really! Be grateful for not waiting until you're older, like me, honey!
I have ALWAYS 'listened' to you. Maybe I am not one to respond, but please KNOW...I DO listen (read)! I FEEL YOU!! PM, email or text me or night. I'm normally up very late. :) KNOW you are loved and cared about, Christy!! (((((HUGS))))) When I fly out to Topeka in the near future, I would really love to finally meet you and your beautiful family!! Will let you know when this happens!! I LOVE YOU CHRISTY!!!
G'Ma Cindy Lou

Tracia333 said...

Christy I feel like you just said everything I've been wanting to. I totally relate and know the feeling of "friends" who don't actually care enough to make the effort to see you. It's very disappointing to have those one sided friendships. You want to keep trying but yet you get to the point where you are tired of being taken advantage of. I'm sorry you are going through the same thing. It hurts when your so called friends act like that.

Cheryl said...

I am so sorry Christy. :( I am very sad for you and your situation. It is very difficult to feel as though no one cares.

I would love to get to know you better and if you would like to reach me my email address is

Life is not easy and having a marriage and children makes it even more challenging on top of having "friend" issues.

I struggle with body image issues too and I know if I'm not comfortable with my own body, that other parts of my life suffer.

I also have a large family and the demands on a day to day basis can make you feel like you are drowning and never getting ahead.

I will keep you in prayer and please feel free to email me. I would love to get to know you better.

With Hope,

Cheryl said...

Maybe this would help you? Praying <3