Psalms 86

Last night at small groups (bible study) we are talking about prayer and focused on Psalms 86. The Lord's word is so convicting, in a good way, yet whew. As we were going around the room asking for prayer, I knew what I had to ask others to pray for me over, my ease of flying off the handle with the kids, especially my older ones. Here's the thing, I do not know what I'm angry over or why I just fly off the handle so easily.

Psalms 86
A prayer of David. Hear me, LORD, and answer me, for I am poor and needy. Guard my life, for I am faithful to you; save your servant who trusts in you. You are my God; have mercy on me, Lord, for I call to you all day long. Bring joy to your servant, Lord, for I put my trust in you. You, Lord, are forgiving and good, abounding in love to all who call to you. Hear my prayer, LORD; listen to my cry for mercy. When I am in distress, I call to you, because you answer me. Among the gods there is none like you, Lord; no deeds can compare with yours.All the nations you have made will come and worship before you, Lord; they will bring glory to your name. For you are great and do marvelous deeds; you alone are God, Teach me your way, LORD, that I may rely on your faithfulness; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name. I will praise you, Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever. For great is your love toward me; you have delivered me from the depths, from the realm of the dead. Arrogant foes are attacking me, O God; ruthless people are trying to kill me— they have no regard for you. But you, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness. Turn to me and have mercy on me; show your strength in behalf of your servant; save me, because I serve you just as my mother did. Give me a sign of your goodness, that my enemies may see it and be put to shame, for you, LORD, have helped me and comforted me. 


What I know is that as I study this scripture and pray on and through it, the Lord can change me. I need to be changed. I need to have more fear of the Lord and praise Him more. He shows me so much grace and I need to show grace towards my children. I need to be softer and kinder and just be gentle. I want to be like the Lord and be slow to anger and abound with love. I want to show the grace that the Lord shows me day in and day out.

As we prepare for our new school year to start I want it to be the best school year we've had. No tears, other than happy ones when it comes to school work. I want excitement and joy of learning. Okay, I am realistic and know that not every day we're going to be excited about school, but that does not mean we can not still find thankfulness in our school days. Let me focus on the love I have for my children and let them truly feel loved without question.

I want to be more like Jesus and less like me. 

Outcast

I'm a pretty outgoing person, I rarely have a hard time talking to people. Yesterday the homeschool group here had a picnic. I have never felt so out of place and uncomfortable. Thinking about it right now makes me tear up, not because I'm an over-emotional sap (I used to be, but the last few years not a lot makes me cry), but because I was hurt that no one could be bothered to talk to me. I was late, but it's a picnic so that to me normally means it's a bit more open ended. We got there, placed our food on the table, made our plates. I said hello to a couple people and got a "hi" and nothing else. Now please know I did not expect everyone to stop what they were doing and greet me, but I did expect people to be more friendly. I sat down at a table where another lady was sitting and had been eating. As soon as we sat down, she turned around (at a picnic table) and started talking to another lady. I sat there, eating my watermellon, feeding Olivia, and fought off the tears. It was like this ugly click and I was obviously  not welcome. My kids were asking me when we could leave.
Now this was not our first time with this homeschool group. When we first moved back we went to a field trip, met other families, felt immediately welcome, spoke with MANY other parents. Yesterday could not have been more different. I ended up speaking with one person, a young woman who recently moved here, who has a mutual friend. She was getting her kids and leaving and walked past me and recognized me and we talked for about 5 minutes. That was it. Chad had met me there, since I had a drs apt at 1:00, so he took the kids and I left. We were there for a little over 30 minutes and had I ever suspected it'd be that way, we'd have NEVER went.
I am still digesting how to handle it, whether I address it with the group as a whole on our page on facebook or just let it go. I would NEVER want another person to feel like we did yesterday, but I also do not want to stir up drama or be thought of as this dramatic mess.
I know I could have put myself into conversations, but it's hard when it's so obvious that you are NOT welcome. I've lived long enough to know when a person's simply not welcome.
I told Chad, maybe it's time I start looking outside of the military for support, since our time is ending. Maybe this was the Lord's way to begin to prepare me for civilian life.
This has made me miss Germany so much. I miss my Bamberg home school group. My sweet friends who would and never did make a new family feel excluded, but instead probably overwhelmed them with love and welcoming them to the group. I have no memories of anyone ever being excluded.
I don't know how I'm going to handle this yet, but I know I want to be gentle and most of all be led by the Lord.