Tuesday, September 24, 2013

Where Are You?

I don't feel God in my life right now. A friend this morning at PWOC (bible study) said this may be a time where he's carrying you. I don't know. I hope so. I just don't know.
I need HIM, more than anyone else and  yet I feel alone, abandoned, tossed aside. Where are you, Father? I want to feel loved. I want to feel that I matter to you. I know you died on a cross for me, for my sins, because you love me that much. I SHOULD feel loved. Oh GOD, please hear the cries of my heart.
Please help me out of this dark place. I truly feel Satan circling me and feel him winning in my life. I want the tears to stop, I want the hopelessness to leave my heart. I am so desperate for you, please don't leave me. I have not felt this lost since Jordyn died. I feel like David's Psalms are all across me, his cries for you.
I am tired of being so lonely. Tired of being so sad. Tired of feeling so unloved. One day this will be over. I don't want to just get through this life. I really do want to live it. I just don't know how to right now. I miss you.


terre said...

oh christy, this makes me so sad. i agree with your friend, our Lord probably IS carrying you right now. He says "I will never leave you nor forsake you'. even if you feel far away, know in your heart that God is near and will always be so. (((christy)))

Cheryl said...

At one of the most desperate times in my life I remember vividly yelling "Satan, GET BEHIND ME"!! It really helped me to verbalize and to do it loudly.

I am sorry that you do not feel God's presence. I know that someone once told me that there are times that we feel God's presence and then there are times that we don't that we have to live by faith.

I am not sure if it would help you, but I remember after our little Caleb died that I would have waves of grief and then a bit of relief, and then another wave and then a little more relief. When I was experiencing a time of deep grief I would try and remind myself that this was temporary and that I wouldn't feel so desperate forever.

With Hope,

Cheryl said...


I came across this on FB today and thought of you, dear one <3

Praying for you,
With Hope,

Blondee said...

I'm a fairly new follower of your blog, Christy. I tend to be quiet and not a huge commenter for the most part. That said, your last two blog entries have just broken my heart.

The grief of losing a child is crippling, I am so sorry you are feeling that raw pain.

You are not alone. Ever. Sometimes when we feel undervalued and unappreciated, we turn ourselves inside out and convince ourselves we aren't deserving of better treatment. This isn't true. You are amazing just the way you are. With all of your imperfections, you are just what He meant for you to be. Maybe there are some things that are keeping you from seeing that right now, but those are small roadblocks that you will find your way around.

I am praying that He surrounds you with a hedge of protection right now. He may be carrying you now, but He also may be letting you find your own strength, because sometimes we just NEED to do that. Not just to show Him we can, but to show ourselves.

If people don't see your value, then don't give them the chance to treat you poorly. Surround yourself with the people who bring you joy, show you love, and value you. If you aren't sure that you have these people, then you find them. Family isn't always blood and friends aren't always the ones we think of right off the bat.

If you ever need to talk, you can email me at ghbsjb00 at yahoo dot com and I am happy to exchange emails or give you my phone number. Girl, you are never alone.

Prayers and a new friend, right here.

Мария Вечелковская said...

Don't have fear of Satan, 'cause God is with us for always, all you have to do is just believe. Your first daughter is an angel on heaven and she's happy being near to God. Wish you a lot of happiness!