Sunday, August 20, 2006

Numb

I know this feeling, I've felt it more in my life than most women my age ever have. The numb feeling is not a bad thing, so don't think it is. It's a feeling I truly believe God gives us to get through those horrible days that we have to after someone we love dies and we have so much to take care of. When Jordyn died, we flew from Va to Kansas with in 28 hrs of her death. She died on a Monday and on Tuesday we planned her funeral, it was just something Chad and I could not bring ourselves to do while she was alive....some parents of children who are dying can, some can't...there is NO right or wrong way, you do what you can.

We went in on Tuesday, my parents there to support us, but they kept quiet as Chad and I made all the decisions. Her funeral was just as we wanted, I can say now over 6 yrs later there's nothing I'd have changed about her funeral. We picked her casket, which was a beautiful white casket, with silk lining and a beautiful little silk pillow with ruffles on the edges. She was a very girly-girl and had she been alive, she would have loved it. I know this may sound morbid, but well this is part of my reality, my life, and at times I just have to go through it in my head. Her casket had angels on every corner, they were little/petite so beautiful and perfect for our precious girl.

So what has made me go back there tonight? My uncle. My dad is #5 out of 12 siblings. His oldest brother who was the 2nd child, died yesterday morning at 8:10 am. My dad was holding his hand. What a precious gift my dad will have forever, to know that the last person to feel him alive was him. They were very close. For a large family, we really are close. I can still hear my Uncle Duane singing "Go Tell It On the Mountain, Over the hills and everywhere, go tell it on the mountain" or "She'll be coming around the mountain when she comes" those two songs are just stuck in my head with his beautiful baritone voice singing them.

I talked to my parents today. They were getting ready to go to the funeral home for the families first viewing. I know that had to be so difficult for all of them. Ten of the 12 siblings would be going and my Grandma along with spouces and I'm sure cousins (I'm thinking my brother, but honestly not sure forgot to ask). It honestly feels so unreal. I just can't imagine going back home and him not being there. He and my grandma bought the house I grew up in from my parents when my parents built a new house that was 1/4 mile off the road (my grandma's house is right by the road), they bought the house 7 yrs ago. Dad said that Duane made them laugh many times that last day of his life, but he said there were a lot of hard times too. I'm truly thankful they all have those moments of lightness to go back on. I kept crying when talking to my dad and his voice kept cracking. Jacob talked to him and said "Papaw, I'm so sorry that your brother, Uncle Duane died. I'll miss him". My dad had to get off the phone. For over a year now, we've known Duane was going to die. A good amount of that time, he had a good quality of life, and I'm so thankful for that.

It honestly doesn't seem real to me, being in Germany definately helps that feeling. It's hard. Even though I've buried my own child because of cancer, I have no idea what to say to my Grandma. I am waiting to call her until everyone's left and she's left to the reality that her child is really gone. I don't think it matters how many yrs or how prepared you are. The fact is we're not supposed to bury our children. EVER. My grandpa died over 27 yrs ago, for the first time in 7 yrs she'll be living alone again. I'm thankful my dad and brother are less than 1/2 mile from her, but I worry about her. She's going to be 80 this year and this past yr really took it's toll on her. I didn't think we'd go back to the states in this first year, but my heart's starting to tell me that I need to start praying and listening if God thinks I should go back to visit my grandparents (my mom's dad is alive as well). I don't think I'd ever be able to forgive myself if I never saw either of them again. I love my grandparents so much and although I know long before I'm ready they will be in Heaven, I want more time with them.

Uncle Duane....I love you and I'll miss you. I'm so thankful you're painfree and in Heaven with our Lord now. You will NEVER be forgotten.

3 comments:

Linda said...

Listen to your heart, girl. Do what you need to do in order to keep your family precious to you.

Your post has me in tears, and I know the feeling is hard to shake, and will take a long time to heal.

Adventures In Babywearing said...

I am so sorry for your losses. Reading what you wrote makes me feel selfish and ungrateful for feeling how I have been feeling lately. I know we all have our own torments and pains, but still. I admire your strength, open-ness, and honesty.

SB said...

my heart aches for your loss. I am glad that you are treasuring what you lovd most about him. You know he's rejoicing with his heavenly Father.

Suzanne