Tuesday, March 25, 2008

9 years ago

Nine years. Yesterday marked 9 yrs ago that Jordyn was dx with leukemia. I don't know if it makes sense to others, but being over here in Germany feels like we've come full circle in many ways. I can't really explain it in words, because it's more of what's in my soul and heart.
I can say that at this point 9 yrs ago I was sitting in the German hospital literally scared out of my mind preparing for my baby girl to just die at any moment. We still had so much to learn. Tonight at 6 pm (CET) is when she started her first round of chemo. It's amazing to me in ways that I can still remember that. There are just some things burnt into your brain that you'll never forget. The reality is that yesterday was the beginning of the end for Jordyn's life as WE knew it. God knew exactly how it'd all play out, but we sure didn't.
I never dreamt that 9 yrs from yesterday I'd be the mother of 4, raising 3 of them, and in total awe of all the ways God has blessed us. I was a 22 yr old first time mother who thought she'd be raising her daughter, watching her grow up, I "thought" that at this point I'd be preparing for her to be turning 10 on Sunday. Instead I have a 7 yr old, 4 yr old, and 7 month old and I'm preparing for my husband to head to Iraq for the 3rd time.
Life is never what we imagined it'd be and I've met very few people who's lives have turned out the way they thought it would...for the good and for the bad.
The biggest change in the last 9 yrs has been my relationship with Christ. I didn't have much of one up until March 24, I was just really starting it. We'd started going to church regularly, but I didn't even own a bible. When I was asked what I wanted the only thing I wanted was the bible. I wanted to read his word, I wanted to be comforted by my father, even if I didn't know exactly how to express that, at the time. I see it now though. God has changed me so much and how grateful am I!
We have choices in this world, even during times when we feel like we don't. We can choose to be bitter or better. We can choose to seek him or turn our backs on him. We can choose to feel vs turning them off.
The thing is though, that even when we choose the one that is obviously not the way we should, we can change our minds. I went through being bitter, I choose to be angry with God for a while, and I even turned off my feelings to certain things for a while...yet in the end God had my heart and I could not deny that.

As I write this I hold Emma in my arms, where I once I held Jordyn, writing entries right on here. God's holding Jordyn and I know she's in the best arms she could possibly be in and I'm so thankful for that.


Emily said...

(((Christy))) I love you. I love both your girls and both your boys. And somewhere through the emotion of this post, I just had to a laugh a little. "Of course Emma is gorgeous. Of course attitude is flowing out her ears. She has some big shoes to fill, three sets to be exact. I have no doubt that Jordyn and Miller Grace whisper sweet little everythings into her ear all the time...."

Chelle' said...

Christy- thank you for sharing your heart in this moment. Thank you for sharing GOD'S HEART too. I feel closer to Him having read this.

May He surround you in this time of reflection.