Noah's 10 weeks old now! He's smiling daily, multiple times a day, will laugh, is staying awake for longer periods of time, and just brings me so much joy. Jacob is holding him more and more, Jack's still in love with his mini-me, Emma is so in love with him she can't stand it. I'm so blessed I don't know what to do with myself.
This is one of my FAVORITE Praise songs. Simple, pure, and so true. There is NO sweeter name than the name of our Savior...Jesus.
Kari Jobe wrote and sings it:
No sweeter name than the Name of Jesus,
No sweeter name have I ever known
No sweeter name than the name of Jesus.
You are the Life to my heart and my soul
You are the Light to the darkness around me
You are the Hope to the hopeless and broken
You are the only Truth and the Way
Jesus, Jesus
This evening Chad and I were talking about the dvd series that PWOC is doing this summer. The study is by Ken Ham: Answers in Genesis. I honestly love it. It's deep, it makes you think, and from everything I've listened to it's sound, biblical truths. He takes the bible literally (so do I) and then shows how doing anything but is incorrect! Today I got my tush handed to me and also got me to thinking about Chad and his role in our family.
I've written before about submission, ok I've written about it a few times. You see it's a HUGE and I mean HUGE struggle for me. I know, I KNOW it's a blessing. It's a huge, huge, huge blessing to be submissive to my husband. Sadly I can count on ONE hand how many times I've successfully be a submissive wife in the last 13 years of marriage. You see as much as I know it'll be a blessing to me, as much as I KNOW GOD demands it of me, as much as I know Chad deserves it from me...it goes against everything that's ingrained in me. I honestly don't know a lot of women from my generation who don't struggle with it (if you don't, and are successful....seriously I want to hear from you and pick your brain!!!).
So today Mr. Ham was speaking of how men are to be the head of the household. I KNOW this, but I often don't "allow" it. Why? Why do I take on that burden? Why do I not want that blessing for my husband? Why don't I bless my family? Because although I don't view myself this way, when it gets down to it, when I am really, really, really honest...you know that ugly honest that you don't like to face about yourself?? When I'm THAT honest...I want to be the one in control. I want everyone to submit to me. Don't gasp, ok go ahead...it's ugly, but honest.
So I told Chad how I think it is really important that he be the true head of our household. How Dr. Ham said that it's important that it's the Dad's who are the biblical leaders of the family...leading family devotion times, reading the bible outloud to our kids, teaching them...being their biggest influence, yes even bigger than Mom. He covered so much that convicted me, that made me dig deeper, and be really honest with myself. I truly want all these things, and yet I don't do it. Being honest and tearful with Chad and sharing with him this desire of my heart and having to humble myself before my husband and telling him that I've been wrong and I have disobeyed GOD and him for not submitting to him. I asked him to help, and asked him to please step up. I also realize our family deals with a different set of circumstances...where every other year I have to step into Chad's place literally and be both Mom and Dad is so many ways, because he deploys every other year. Here's the thing though, he can and should remain the head of our household even when deployed. It actually just this second dawned on me, the boys have a year devotional, well they both got one (it's the exact same) so I'm going to have Chad take one copy with him and when he's able to call or Skype or have a VTC, I'm going to ask him to read that day's devotional and talk with the kids about it. Ok I just got super excited over that!! LOL
So pray for me and with me. That I will be a Godly submissive wife. That Chad will be a Godly Head of the Household husband and father. That I will be a submissive Mom. I don't mean that I will submit to my children, but that my children will see me as their Dad's helpmate. That I will be a Godly example to my son's, of how a wife is to be, and to my daughter(s) of what a wife is to be. It's truly my hearts desire, pray that I'll step up to this challenge, no...no...not challenge. Pray that I'll step up to this BLESSING.
Noah 2 months old on a walk
I hear the rocking of Noah's swing as he sleeps in it peacefully (can I tell you how HUGE that is? He's 7 weeks old and in the last week he's decided he'll tolerate not being in my arms for the swing from time to time, so so so thankful for that wonderful device!), Emma's napping on the couch, and the boys are at the schwimbad (public pool) with one of their friends and his family, and Chad who's on leave is over at one of my friends hanging her ceiling fans so she doesn't melt in this almost unbearable heat that Germany's having. (It's in the 90's here and humidity is about 50%...but that's HOT for Germany which is a country that in general does not believe in a/c's...we have one but it's just not the same as central air...which I miss).
In the quietness I've been just simply thinking about GOD and his mercy. He knows our heartaches and he knows our joys. He knows when we're so excited over him and spreading him and he knows when we've hit that valley and we seem to keep him more to ourselves than spreading his goodness to all we come in contact with. That's what I am thinking about...those times when we're in the valley, when we're comfortable, and we're not quite jumping off rooftops singing our Lords praises. I think most of us spend a lot more time in the quiet valley's of worship and I'm going to guess that it's quite a comfortable place for most people...it's the shouting for joy that's uncomfortable. I'm a girl who likes both, I LOVE sharing GOD's word, sharing his mercies, grace, and even his discipline in my life and others. But when he ALLOWS me these quiet moments I savior them and I realize that although I may be vocally quiet, others are still hearing me, seeing me, learning about my Savior from me. Hopefully they see his goodness and mercy and see the stumbles I've made and see that GOD gently and sometimes not so gently picks me back up and gets me going again. I couldn't make it a single day without our Father. I hope that even when I'm not singing from the mountain top his Praises, that others still come to know our Father. That they see even in the stillness of life, GOD is THERE. He's everywhere and he never is letting go of us.
I'm learning that I need to spend a little more time in the valley of life and just simply live as GOD has called me to live, because when he has me quiet, he's using someone else to sing his praises Loud and Proud. I hope when someone meets me no matter where I am, they see Christ. I most of all feel that right now my children need to see Christ through me, and my husband needs to see Christ in me. To see his mercy, grace, and submission. Submission isn't a dirty words ladies, it's a GODLY act of love to our husbands, but most of all it's an act of obedience and love to our LORD!
"Oh Lord help me to be the wife and the mother you call me to be. Let me be gentle, full of mercy and grace, with the correct amount of discipline for my children. Let me be submissive, gentle, merciful, and full of grace towards my husband as well. Let them look at me and know that Christ dwells with in me. It's my humble prayer. "
Noah's 7 weeks old, it's hard to believe in a little over a week he'll be 2 months old. Time is just flying by with this sweet boy. He's grown so much, he's almost doubled his weight (well he may have already he's not been weighed in a couple weeks and he was just 2 lbs from doubling his weight!). He loves ME. I mean loves me. He's normally not very happy with others, but put him in my arms and he's content and just so happy. He's smiling now when awake and not just from gas! :)
Here is a slide show of our little man, week by week.
There are times when we hide our pain, when we struggle to even tell our closest friends the pain that's inside of us. Sometimes we can't even bare to tell the one that GOD brought into our life to be our spouse for the rest of our life, and then. Well and then it all comes flying out. I see myself as a honest person, yet I also believe there's a time and a place to share things. When Chad and I are having an argument and a friend shows up at our door, it's not the time to continue the arguement or show my frustration or anger with him. I put up a front. Well, I found out that Chad can not stand when I do that. Here's the kicker, I can't stand when he continues to have an attitude when we're around others. We're different and show our emotions differently. I think next to money this may be a huge issue with many other couples, I obviously could be wrong...but I think when we look at men and women in general, our mindsets are often so different in how we express ourselves that those expressions become annoying or even absolutely in furiating to our spouse.
I'm here to say that I put up fronts because I don't think it's others business, that I do want others to see a particular side of my marriage and family. I never thought of it as a lie, because most the time what they see is what it is, but there are times what they'd just missed was angry words, hurt feelings, and possibly even tears.
I'm anything but a perfect wife. Honestly I can be down right rotten in the wife department. Chad is not perfect either and he can be pretty rotten himself as well. So how do two very imperfect, often rotten people stay married, work through the ugly, bumpy life we call marriage? JESUS Let me tell you th at if it were not for Jesus, my marriage would not even exist at this point.
How many of us put up fronts in various places in our life? Not just our marriage/family, but in other things in our life? I'm sure I put up a front in all sorts of ways, and don't even realize it. I am praying over this and asking GOD to show them to me, hopefully in a softer way than how Chad did it the other day. Please understand I am NOT bashing my husband, just that I'd rather not go through that again. Fights are obviously not fun and enjoyable and not a way to bring GOD glory (afterwards when we've calmed down we can give GOD the glory, but I personally don't glorify him when I am screaming at my husband).
So I'm taking down the front on here....my family is not perfect, my marriage is not perfect. We fight, we say ugly things, we hurt each others feelings, we cry, sob, say things we regret. What we can do though is repent, we can pray together as a couple (and/or family), we can try to do better and learn and make changes.
Just to clear up some obvious confusion (and let me state how happy I am that I must approve comments before they show up on here)...I am NOT slamming Mom's who work outside of the home. There are times I don't understand why they do, but my blog post was about ME, no one else....no one in my life or in a general sense...it was simply about why I AM a STAY AT HOME MOM. IF you are feeling guilty for working, that's something you need to deal with yourself, do NOT go off on me that I'm out to make you look like a horrible mother. I wrote before I made my list of reasons that it was about ME. Ok, it was a self centered posting. If you are a working mom and have so much guilt, honestly my suggestion is to start praying about it and seeing if why you're working lines up with what GOD wants for your family. AND..if you want to be ugly in your comments, do it as yourself and don't hide behind a blocked profile...
Sometimes I just need to remind myself why I choose to stay at home vs going outside our home and work.
1. I believe it's what GOD wants for our children. (For us I think he wants Chad and I to be the primary influence in our children's lives, not another person, group of people, etc)
2. I actually like being around my kids (they're some of the funniest, sweetest, kindest, craziest people I know and I had a hand in making them!)
3. I'm selfish (I don't anyone else to get to spend these precious moments with my kids and I don't want to miss a thing. Be in the first year where they are discovering so much about themselves or in the first 5 years where they're discovering who they are with me and without me...I will NEVER be able to get these moments back).
4. Time is precious (I think most mom's get how precious time is with their kids, but sometimes some need a reminder and here's the facts: tomorrow's not promised even for our children and I personally refuse to spend 8 or even more hours away from my children and allow someone else to have that precious time with MY babies, no matter how much they care or love my kids...missing moments is not worth a paycheck to ME)
Being a Mom, staying at home with our children, watching them grow up, playing with them, loving on them, teaching them that's what I'm meant to do. I know that when GOD placed these children in my womb the only thing I ever wanted to do was stay at home and raise them. I want to know that it's Chad and my values being placed on them, that it's our morals that are growing in their hearts, most of all that they're learning about Jesus's love, grace, mercy, and teachings daily.
As I'm writing this, Emma's in a timeout and it's been a long one as she's not sat there quietly as she's been taught to do, she's lost her shoes that she just got yesterday, she's lost her babies blanket, and yes she's recieved a swat from Daddy and one from me as well...but through it all I wouldn't want it any other way. I am thankful that I'm the one home to dole out discipline and not someone else. I'm thankful that I am the one who has taught her and just heard her say "I'm sorry for misbehaving and not doing what was asked of me, Mommy. I'm sorry for not doing as you said, Daddy"....and I'm so thankful that she got to hear both of us tell her that "we forgive you, Emma". There are few things in this world we can count on....the Love and Grace of Jesus to those of us who believe he's the Son of GOD and that he died for our sins and accept his gift.
I feel so truly blessed that I'm a stay at home mom. GOD has shown us it's possible and it's what's best for our children and our family. I'm to grateful and thankful.
Now I'm off to give my newborn a bath! :) It doesn't get better than this!
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