A Longing of the Heart

I miss my husband. I got to chat with him today for a little bit, of course it never seems to be long enough, but any amount of time he has to talk or chat with us is such a blessing for our children and me.

Chad was in the Army when we met, but I had absolutely no idea what I was getting into when I married a soldier. I was a naive 20 yr old girl who thought she'd lived. HA! I'd done plenty of things I wish now I hadn't, but truly living was yet to come and it came fast.

We found out just a few short months into marriage that we were going to become parents and we were so excited. The next 3 yrs were full of joy, sorrow, and intense love and grief. Nine months of pregnancy, a deployment, moving to a new country (Germany...the first time), a beautiful girl learning to walk and talk, and then the devestating diagnosis that our sweet baby girl had AML leukemia. Off to fighting the beast, moving back to the US, continuing the fight, bone marrow transplant, relapse, nothing left medically to do, pray, pray, pray, pray, pray...and pray some more. Watching our baby wither away in front of us, nothing we could do, but pray and live the best we knew how. At 23 yrs old I sat at my child's grave. We found out we were going to have another baby just 8 short days after Jordyn died. Not exactly the time we were desiring a blessing. We hurt like nothing we'd ever expected. Nine months passed and the fear of not loving this new life, disappeared, yet the ache continued. Six months later, another deployment, then 9-11 happened, life changed forever. He returned 4 months later, another baby 2 yrs later, and 5 months later off to Iraq Chad went. 9 months later he returned, then we once again were blessed to return to Germany. Praying this time our time here would not be tarnished. Another deployment, 12 months later, he returned and 2 months later...we found out our Emma Grace was on her way. Nine months later Chad was leaving us again, but now for 15 months. So here we are 5 months down, 10 to go.

I will just say it now, this is the longest deployment. Ok I know it really IS our longest one, but what I mean is it's just dragging for me. I want him home, now. I have never felt so completely dependent on Chad before as I do now. I think that as our relationship as husband and wife grows in Christ, my dependancy on Chad grows as well. I need this man, here. I NEED him to hold me, comfort me, to be my helpmate as I am his. To know that he is here to take care of me and vice versa. Our family is simply not complete and whole without him here. All 3 of our children who are living long for him, even if Emma doesn't really know it, the girl glows when she hears her Daddy's voice. My boys need their dad. They're little boys and little boys need their Daddy's, it's as simple as that.

On a good note, this deployment is going by quickly for Chad. I'm so grateful for that. He deserves for a deployment to fly by, they normally drag for him (and fly for me!). I think for me it is because I went to the states and actually thought it'd feel like it was just flying by because I'd come back home and we'd be at the almost 4 month mark. My expectations were obviously too high! LOL

I am sure God's teaching me here. I have not completely seen or realized all he is teaching me, although I know that part of the lesson is that I'm to lean on HIM more than myself or even Chad. I am admitting here and now, publically that I'm struggling with that. I need to spend more time with our Lord. I need to spend more time in His word. I need to spend more time in prayer.

So...in a very long way about all of this, I see what I need. I need our Lord. Through it all he's been my constant. He blessed me with a strong and wonderful God-fearing man to be my husband. I do need to depend on him, but more so I need to depend on the Greatest Man in my life, my Lord.

Deuteronomy4:29
But if from there you seek the Lord your God, you will find him if you look for him with all your heart and with all your soul.

1 Chronicles 16:11
Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always.