Thursday, October 23, 2008

A Longing of the Heart

I miss my husband. I got to chat with him today for a little bit, of course it never seems to be long enough, but any amount of time he has to talk or chat with us is such a blessing for our children and me.

Chad was in the Army when we met, but I had absolutely no idea what I was getting into when I married a soldier. I was a naive 20 yr old girl who thought she'd lived. HA! I'd done plenty of things I wish now I hadn't, but truly living was yet to come and it came fast.

We found out just a few short months into marriage that we were going to become parents and we were so excited. The next 3 yrs were full of joy, sorrow, and intense love and grief. Nine months of pregnancy, a deployment, moving to a new country (Germany...the first time), a beautiful girl learning to walk and talk, and then the devestating diagnosis that our sweet baby girl had AML leukemia. Off to fighting the beast, moving back to the US, continuing the fight, bone marrow transplant, relapse, nothing left medically to do, pray, pray, pray, pray, pray...and pray some more. Watching our baby wither away in front of us, nothing we could do, but pray and live the best we knew how. At 23 yrs old I sat at my child's grave. We found out we were going to have another baby just 8 short days after Jordyn died. Not exactly the time we were desiring a blessing. We hurt like nothing we'd ever expected. Nine months passed and the fear of not loving this new life, disappeared, yet the ache continued. Six months later, another deployment, then 9-11 happened, life changed forever. He returned 4 months later, another baby 2 yrs later, and 5 months later off to Iraq Chad went. 9 months later he returned, then we once again were blessed to return to Germany. Praying this time our time here would not be tarnished. Another deployment, 12 months later, he returned and 2 months later...we found out our Emma Grace was on her way. Nine months later Chad was leaving us again, but now for 15 months. So here we are 5 months down, 10 to go.

I will just say it now, this is the longest deployment. Ok I know it really IS our longest one, but what I mean is it's just dragging for me. I want him home, now. I have never felt so completely dependent on Chad before as I do now. I think that as our relationship as husband and wife grows in Christ, my dependancy on Chad grows as well. I need this man, here. I NEED him to hold me, comfort me, to be my helpmate as I am his. To know that he is here to take care of me and vice versa. Our family is simply not complete and whole without him here. All 3 of our children who are living long for him, even if Emma doesn't really know it, the girl glows when she hears her Daddy's voice. My boys need their dad. They're little boys and little boys need their Daddy's, it's as simple as that.

On a good note, this deployment is going by quickly for Chad. I'm so grateful for that. He deserves for a deployment to fly by, they normally drag for him (and fly for me!). I think for me it is because I went to the states and actually thought it'd feel like it was just flying by because I'd come back home and we'd be at the almost 4 month mark. My expectations were obviously too high! LOL

I am sure God's teaching me here. I have not completely seen or realized all he is teaching me, although I know that part of the lesson is that I'm to lean on HIM more than myself or even Chad. I am admitting here and now, publically that I'm struggling with that. I need to spend more time with our Lord. I need to spend more time in His word. I need to spend more time in prayer.

So...in a very long way about all of this, I see what I need. I need our Lord. Through it all he's been my constant. He blessed me with a strong and wonderful God-fearing man to be my husband. I do need to depend on him, but more so I need to depend on the Greatest Man in my life, my Lord.

Deuteronomy4:29
But if from there you seek the Lord your God, you will find him if you look for him with all your heart and with all your soul.

1 Chronicles 16:11
Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always.

18 comments:

lmashe81 said...

I am praying for you and your family. I don't know what you are going through, but God does. I will keep you in my prayers. I can say that I am VERY GREATFUL for the sacrifces that your family has made on the behalf of our countries freedom.

Ali said...

I wept while reading this. What a beautiful thing for a wife to long for her husband...and seek Christ to meet her needs. I will be in prayer for your family. I forget that we sleep in peace because someone, someone's husband, someone's Daddy, is keeping watch. Blessings.

Barb said...

This separation must be so trying for you, but I am so grateful that CHRIST is what connects the two of you, what holds you together. I pray the days fly by and SOON comes faster than you thought it would. God bless you.

Mc Allen said...

your post made me cry. I know this cant be easy, Im so sorry... I want you to know (as I know you already do) that you are not alone... God is but a whisper from you, and all of us in bloggyville are right here, a click away. Please dont hesitae to email me if you need to talk and then we can talk back and forth. Your family is precious and your love for them inspires me... Hugs L A

Weeksie50 said...

Oh, I am so sorry that you are missing your husband. I know it must be so very hard.

I am praying that GOD continues to strengthen and comfort you until you guys are together again..

Linda said...

You and your family continue to be in my prayers. Isn't it funny how we "thought" at 20 that we had lived so much.....how quickly we find out differently! Linda

Kristen said...

Christy,
I found your blog via the LPM blog... every once in a while I click on a profile... I truly believe it's the Spirit's prompting.
Reading your post today absolutely touched my heart tt the the depths.

First of all, may I thank you for sharing your husband with our country. I truly feel our American soldiers are the bravest men and women who walk this earth. I cannot imagine what it would be like to walk in yours or his shoes. I salute him and lift him in prayer.

The story of the loss of your daughter broke my heart. I keep looking at her picture,that sweet face... I rejoice knowing that our God is cradling her in his arms.

Your comment:
"I am sure God's teaching me here. I have not completely seen or realized all he is teaching me, although I know that part of the lesson is that I'm to lean on HIM more than myself or even Chad. I am admitting here and now, publically that I'm struggling with that. I need to spend more time with our Lord. I need to spend more time in His word. I need to spend more time in prayer."

I will be praying for you... praying that you learn to trust Him with all of your heart, increase your prayer time and spend time in His word. You will find Him, you will find His strength!

Your honesty speaks to all of us... because I believe each one of us has the same struggles to different degrees. How I desire more of Him and less of me! How I desire a deeper prayer life and more time in His Word!

I hope you do not mind, but I have been moved to write a post today... directing my blogger friends to your blog and asking them to pray for you, your husband, your family, our men and women serving in the armed forces and our country!

God Bless You! I am so glad God led me to your blog site!
Kristen

Kelley said...

Hi Christy,
I found you through Kristen's blog. I just wanted you to know I am praying for you and your family. I can't even imagine how difficult it must be for you and your husband to be apart for so long. God bless you all!

On Purpose said...

Hello Christy,

May you know today that you are surrounded by women all over this world who are thinking about you, sending love to you and lifting you and your family to our Heavenly Father.

Nichole

Ang baylis said...

I also came over here via Kristen's blog. I can see why your story touched her so deeply! I will keep you all in my prayers. I tend to be a wife who doesn't need anyone and tend to intentionally not "need" my husband. I loved how you said the closer you got to God, the more you needed your husband. Lately I've noticed the same thing. I NEED him. But, you are more right that you need God more! I do too! Thank you for sharing your life with us. I am so so sorry for your loss and I'm glad you have learned to cling to God! You are an inspiration!
In His Love,
Angie xoxo

Amanda said...

This was pretty powerful for me Christy. To imagine you, at 23, sitting befor eyour precious daughters grave...well, needless to say I was crying.
I have often said among all these hunting trips and time alone with the kids that I could never be a military wife. You do so much more then I ever could.. and you are doing it with grace and humility. Way to go precious child of His!!

I hope you are able to refresh your spirit in HIm. I know it is something I am planning on doing!

Many, many blessings-
Amanda

Cindy said...

Hi Christy,

I, like several others, found you through Kristen's blog.

I am thankful that you felt comfortable enough to share your story and your heart. I am touched by how much you have endured personally and for our country.

I will be praying for you and will add you to my favorite's so I can come by and check in on you.

You are a blessing to your family and will be to our blogging community. I am happy to meet you tonight.

Blessings to you, Cindy

Tracy said...

Hi Christy,
I too found you through Kristen's blog. You and your husband have certainly faced some challenges since you married. I can't even imagine. My heart truly goes out to you. Know that you and your family are in our prayers.

With my prayers...
Tracy

a corgi said...

(((Christy)))

I'm so sorry; I thank you and Chad for serving; I can't imagine how hard it is to endure these deployments; you are in my prayes

betty

Joyful said...

I'm visiting via Kristen's blog. Just wanted to let you know I'm praying for you in Canada. May you experience the Lord's peace and presence as very real and dear.

Blessings,
Joy

Yolanda said...

Hello, I'm also visiting from Kristen's blog and let me tell you Sister, I'll be back.

By the way, not sure but thinking you may be originally from Kansas? Since the tag is on your blog.

I live in Kansas, have all of my life.

Hope to hear from you and to stay in touch.

I'll be praying for you and your family.

Lovingly In Christ,
Yolanda

Gillie said...

Your words make me ache for you. I can't even imagine dealing with extended deployments. My Hubby goes out of town for a few days and I am lost.

Our family is simply not complete and whole without him here. That is how it should be!

God bless! I will keep you in my prayers!
XX

elaine @ peace for the journey said...

Praying for you and your family today.

peace~elaine