Friday, October 03, 2008

The Choices we regret

I had started to write another post, but as I did I was pulling up links on the type of leukemia Jordyn had, and of course there I was reading it all (again). Jordyn had AML leukemia M5, one please go and read and read about the subtype (M5) see what that precious, wonderful, beautiful little girl was up against.
What I've known for quite some time and saw a few years ago as a cause that had been proven, but had not ever read "officially" was that tabacco smoke as a cause/risk factor. Well it's there now in black and white and I have myself to blame. I lived with my parents, 2 heavy smokers for Jordyn's first 7 months, while Chad was in Bosnia. Let me tell you, people who say they wouldn't change a thing in their life, well if they're being honest good for them, but I would ABSOLUTELY change things (many) but the most important is the choice Chad and I made for Jordyn and I to stay with my parents for those 7 months. I should have gotten us out of that house, I should have NEVER moved in with them to begin with. NEVER allowed them to smoke around her or me while I was pg with her. But I was stupid and felt I still had to "do as they said", knowing it was so harmful. I HATED and of course still do, smoking.

I don't know if I will EVER be able to forgive myself for being so weak and stupid. I ultimately signed Jordyn's death certificate by a choice that didn't ever have to be made. Listen to me now, if you hear nothing else...DO NOT allow your children to be exposed to Tabacco smoke/2nd hand smoke. I promise you, you do NOT want to be here in my shoes, wheeping knowing that it's YOUR fault your child had to suffer so and die. You don't want to know that she didn't HAVE to go through the pain and suffering caused by chemo and radiation and a bone marrow transplant. You don't want to watch your beautiful child shrink before your eyes as the cancer eats away every single calorie before her body can do anything with them. You don't want to hear your sweet little baby tell you she wants to go to God instead of stay with you. You most definately don't want to wake up just as she takes her last breath and you BEG and PLEAD to GOD to please, please, please give her back. You don't. I promise you. You don't want to know what it's like to call your husband who's states away, to bury his grandfather...and have to tell him he has to come home because his baby has died.
Had I made ONE simple decision, my life could be completely different. I will never know though what it's like to have Jordyn grow past 2 yrs old. I ache for her. It's been 8 years and I still absolutely ACHE for her. God's allowed me another chance to raise a daughter and has blessed me with our 2 little boys and let me tell you I won't make that same deadly mistake twice.

Please, I am begging you....don't chance living with this pain, this guilt, this heartache. I pray GOD has forgiven me and I pray Jordyn has. It's my fault and I accept that. I pray my other children will forgive me one day when they know the truth, had their mom just stood up and said "NO" they could have had their big sister. I just have to figure out how to forgive myself.


Traci said...

You know that God and Jordyn have forgiven you. You need to forgive yourself. It may have been a choice you made but you certainly didn't make it willingly. Your parents are the ones who should feel the guilt. I'm so sorry. This really is too sad.