Well I finished up my 2nd week of C25K. Let me tell you, it hurt..running for 90 straight seconds. I know for those who are in shape or run on a regular basis, 90 seconds doesn't seem like a big deal...but when you're out of shape like I am and have not ran in a VERY long time...90 seconds straight is big. I did it, and in the morning, I start week 3. So what does week 3 entail for me?
5 minutes brisk walk, 90 sec. jog, 90 second walk, 3 minute jog, 3 minute walk...then repeat (not the 5 minute brisk walk). I'm terrified of this week...the 90 second job was horrible, so 3 minutes is terrifying. Oh it's going to be hard and painful! I'll do it though, feel free to pray for me! :)

c25k

So today I did my 2nd day of C25K. I decided over the weekend that although I officially started on Friday, that I'm making today day 1 of week 1...I just have a thing about needing to start things on Monday's (this is a recent realization btw! LOL). So I did it today and will take tomorrow and Wednesday off and then do Thursday and Friday and have the weekend to recover. I would love to do it M, W,F...but I go to PWOC (women's bible study) so at least for the next couple of weeks I'll be doing it M,Th, Fr. The summer PWOC normally doesn't start until 9:30 and if that's how things go this year, then I will be able to change my schedule up, of course I may not go to PWOC this summer, depending on what study they choose to do this summer.

So today I did 25 minutes, not purposely, but it's just how it ended up being. The first job was actually good and went by faster than I expected, but the 2nd time up in jogging was PAINFUL, but I did it. I am not too proud to say I counted down the last 5 seconds and was oh so thankful that 60 seconds of jogging was up. I know it's just 60 seconds, but when you go from nothing really to now jogging and walking it's pretty big for a big girl. I am prepared to be stiff tomorrow, and plan to stretch off and on throughout the day and will be doing some lunges and squats and tomorrow I'm going to start sit ups and push ups tomorrow, here at home. I'm going to take it slow and not over due it, I want to be able to walk on Wednesday! But figure even if all I do is 10 of each, that's 10 more than I was doing and I can add 10 more every 3 days. I plan on doing those every day, including on the weekend, so I will be building some muscle since when doing the squats and lunges and arm lifts I plan to do that while wearing Olivia in my Moby wrap.

Oh speaking of Olivia..she's 8 weeks old now. I can't believe how quickly my beautiful girl is growing.

Couch to 5 K

I started the Couch to 5 K (C25K from here on out) yesterday and oh boy am I sore today. I didn't even do the full 20 minutes because of needing to be home to greet my friend who was leaving her 2 boys with me, while she was at her drs apt. I felt GREAT afterwards. Now during the jogging bit, my legs felt like jello, but it was all doable. My friend "S" is ulatimtely doing this with me. S already runs 4 times a week and is in good shape. She's my accountability partner and encourager. I am so thankful for S, because I know I most likely wouldn't have even started this, if it weren't for her.

So where I'm at. I'm 7 weeks post partum, very,very out of shape, breastfeeding, have not worked out since last July, and could eat healthier (that's a constant work in progress as I do more and more research on food and realizing that what most Americans believe is healthy eating, truly is not good for our bodies....like butter is NOT bad, meat and that includes RED meat is not bad. I have a long ways to go, but I will get there. We eat less and less processed foods, we've worked hard to get as much hormone-filled foods out of our home. We eat a lot more fruits and veggies that are pesticide free).

I have 4 days a week where I can work out in the morning, Wednesday's I have bible study so no working out that day. I'm still trying to decide if I will be getting my 2nd day of workout on Tuesday or Thursday or if I just do all 4 days, but make Thursday a walking only day. It may not seem like a big decision to others, but it's huge to me. I want to have the best workout I can and have success with this. I have a goal of 1 to 2 lbs a week and knowing I could have a week here or there where I do not loose anything at all. I'm planning on adding light weight lifting into my program as well, but that will have to be at home as I don't leave Olivia with anyone (yes, including Chad) so leaving her to go to the gym and lift weights is not going to happen). We have some hand-held weights and we have a few can goods if nothing else I can use as well. I am hoping that after a month to add ankle weights too. For women, weight lifting is essential to up our metabolism so this fat can fall off.

I'll be posting more about this journey of getting healthy and losing the weight. I'd like to see at least 50 lbs off in 6 months. I will still be very overweight, but I will be healthier and will be half way to my ultimate goal. I want to loose at least 100 lbs. I could still loose more after that, but that's my big goal.

I'm also rearranging how our day goes. We homeschool and this year we started off great. I started our day off with reading a bible devotion and praying with the kids, then we started school. School went so smoothly. We stuck with it for a few months, and honestly I don't remember what caused us to stop, but we did and I have seen the negatives to it. I want to end our school year off in a positive light. Starting our day in Gods word and seeking him, can only make things better.

So there it is. The C25K program is a 9 week program, I will be giving an update at least 3 times a week and once a week to say how much I've lost. My scale has ounces on it, so I can see if I'm really close to a 1 loss or over or exactly.

Here we go!

Olivia Joy

Our beautiful Olivia Joy is here! She was born not breathing, so after a great deal of stimulation they were able to get her to breath and we heard her muffled cries. They brought her over to us all wrapped up and we didn't have a clue if she was a girl or a boy, so my nurse whispered to Chad and he said "we have to decide between the two names we liked"! I knew immediately she was a girl (we had 3 boys names picked out and 2 girl names)! Looking at her we both agreed on Olivia Joy! It just fits her beautifully. Once I was in recovery we spent about two hours with her, and she started having breathing problems and started turning grey, so she was sent back to NICU. They took me upstairs to my room, about 10 or so minutes after I got up there, my friend who had the other kids showed up, so I had to tell them we couldn't see her, since at that point I didn't know for sure what was happening with her. The last I had been told was that she probably just needed some oxygen and she'd be brought up to me after an hour or two. I was really out of it while the kids were visiting and after they left just felt horrible. Chad came up shortly after they left and said we needed to get me down to her, because she needed to eat and they wanted to give her formula or sugar water and he knew I wouldn't be happy with that. So we were able to get me out of bed and walking by a little after 2 PM (Oh Olivia was born at 9:07 AM), this was the earliest I'd ever been up, but I'd been moving my legs for about 4 hours at that point. Chad wheeled me down to her and I pumped, they were able to give her some colustrum and I said it was ok to give her their sugar water mixture. She got this for the next 2 days, until my milk was fully in and then she was on breast milk full time.

The 2nd night of her life, my nurse told me that they needed me down with Olivia, so I went down to her and her dr told me that she had a fever and the infection she had was showing higher numbers and they were afraid she could have meningitis, so they needed my approval to test. They gave me all the information and I called Chad, who'd went home for the night to be with the other kids for the night. We both agreed there was no choice, we had to agree to the lumbar puncture, because if she did have meningitis she had to be treated. They tried once and were not able to get enough spinal fluid so her dr said that they'd try again later that night or in the morning to see if they could get enough spinal fluid. The next morning I get down there and am told that she does not have meningitis (praising the Lord) but that at 4 AM her lung collapsed and they had to put in a chest tube and intubate her. That was the point I couldn't hold the tears in anymore and sobbing took over. My sweet 3 day old baby was going through so much.

I had left out that in the beginning with her breathing issue's she had pneumonia and they started off with an oxygen mask, which wasn't enough, then a canula, which was also not enough, and had moved to a CPAP machine...so with the breathing tube it was the first time she they took her from me that first day, I'd fully seen her face. The next morning when I came down (or it could have been that afternoon, I honestly can't remember and short of looking back at my updates on Facebook (which I'm too tired to do right now), her breathing tube was removed. Her chest tube came out the next day. After they had taken her off the breathing tube she had went back on the CPAP machine. When they took her chest tube out, they removed her from the CPAP and said if she did ok for an hour, they'd let her go until 10 PM that night and then just make hourly decisions, depending on how she was doing. She NEVER had to go back on it and never needed anymore help to keep her oxygen levels up!!!

Over the next few days we kept getting good news. We were told that her right eye muscle is not working properly and that if not treated she will go blind in her right eye. Right now she's wearing an eye patch on her left eye for aprox 15 minutes a day. She will go back to see the eye dr at the end of the month and we'll discuss the next steps. In the mean time with the eye patches we're also praying over her that the Lord will Heal her eye. We know he can, as he did so much with her during the first 8 days of her life. One day 8 she was released and we brought our beautiful baby girl home!

We had so many people help us with our other 4 kids, help with meals, and so many prayer warriors. There is no way to properly thank all of them. It's so humbling to know so many people are praying for your child and for you. I'm so thankful that God brought so many people into our lives and so many of those people were having their friends, family, and church pray for our Olivia Joy.

We know without a doubt that the Lord has great things planned for this little girl. We're so blessed to be her parents and get to see what he does with her!

Olivia Joy right after she was born ( as you can see her coloring is not great)

Olivia Joy on the CPAP machine which worked her sweet lungs so hard that she ended up with a slight tear and leak in her lung and had her lung collapse...her coloring is better here too because she got red blood cells transfusion (the infection she was fighting caused her rbc's to drop significantly)

The first time I got to hold her in two days...was so thankful

First time in 2 days Daddy got to hold his baby girl

Olivia Joy is home!! Noah was being silly and had her pacifier (which she no longer takes) and was chewing on it, Jacob, Emma, Olivia, and Jackson

Parenting

Nothing like cuddles with my sweet little man. Noah's obsessed with balls, all balls. He's got quite the arm too. He's such a happy little boy. I can't believe he's 21 months old already, it seems like I just had him in so many ways. He makes us laugh every day, multiple times a day. I am in awe of what a sweet, but ornery boy he is! He's all boy to the core, yet loves to give hugs and kisses and cuddle. He truly makes my heart sing with gratefulness to the Lord.

My sweet, sassy, funny Emma Grace. This pose cracks me up. This girl was prayed for. Before I was pregnant with her, I prayed the Lord would once again bless us with a daughter the next time he blessed us with a child. Once I was pregnant, I prayed he was weaving a little girl together in my womb. Was he ever! He gave us all our hearts desire and oh so much more. I am here to tell you, that when you pray and do it from your heart, the Lord will answer. I know without a doubt he laughs at us often, because she's ALL GIRL and oh so much more! LOL She loves to snuggle, cuddle, hug, kiss and just constantly be touching us...if she's sitting beside you, she's right up against you! She loves to sing and dance, be a princess, and yet has no problems getting as dirty as any boy! LOL

Our 3rd born, Jackson aka Jack. His imagination never stops. He cracks us up. He's also our sensitive child. His feelings get hurt very easily. He gets frustrated fast, although that is getting better. He wears his heart on his sleeve. He makes us laugh in so many ways. He loves Jesus and loves to sing songs that he wrote himself about the Lord, they're often at least 5 minutes long and often times up to 10 minutes! LOL

Jacob, who now has shorter hair, after a HORRIBLE "trimming" incident gone wrong! Although he's our 2nd child, he's been in the oldest role since the day he was born and he is the classic oldest child. He's very responsible, easy going, and an excellent big brother. He often bares more than his fair share, but rarely complains. He's also full blown into being a tween (aka preteen) and can frustrate me to no ends. The problem with being the "oldest" child and being responsible, is that he sometimes thinks he can do what ever he wants and gets attitude when we don't allow him. We're all struggling to find a balance in more freedom, while not too much freedom.

For you who are parents of toddlers and babies or even just in general younger kids (8 and younger)....having your children get older presents new challenges, excitement, fear, and adventure. I've yet to meet a perfect parent. I've observed parents with older children, picked what I liked and thrown out what I don't agree with, and know that Chad and I have to figure things out ourselves with our kids as well. Our greatest guide in this adventure of parenting, is the Lord and the best parenting book is the Bible. God is the only perfect Parent I've ever come across, and we all break his heart, but wow the grace he shows us. I want to be as Graceful, loving, forgiving, and firm as he is. I want our rules to be as clear cut as his arm. I wish I could say I'm all of those things and that our rules are, but Chad and I are not and they're not. Jacob's been our test child for many things, and I hope he forgives me for the multitude of mistakes I've made and that I can be a better mom to each of the following and that through all of the mistakes I made and will make, my kids will show me grace. I just have to make sure that I'm teaching them grace and forgiveness. I'm here to tell you, it's often not something I'm good at all at teaching. It's a needed prayer that I ask the Lord.

Next week, I'll share our 6th child's picture. I'll show you a child who I'll hopefully make a few less mistakes with, in certain area's, yet will make mistakes with none the less!

Now though, here's our true Oldest who stays Forever young, forever 2 years old, and forever my heart and inspiration to be better, do better, love more, and not take a day for granted.....

We only got to actively parent this beauty for 2 years 1 month and 8 days.....they were the most precious days of my life. Cancer ravaged her little body, and Jesus set her free. Not a day goes by that I don't miss that face, that crooked smile, her smell, her laugh, her dancing eyes. I am so thankful to the Lord for making me her momma. I'm so thankful that I was the one who brought her into this world and the one who was holding her when she left it. She makes me want to be a better person.

Parenting isn't easy. It's full of trials and errors. It's full of love, grace, and forgiveness. In just a few short days we'll begin it again with baby #6.

It's coming to an end

It's 1 AM here in Germany and tomorrow I have my apt to schedule my c-section!! I'm so excited. We're hoping we only have one more week until we meet our newest blessing!!!! This will be my 6th c-section, it's all I know. I've been in labor twice...with our first and with our 5th. Let me tell you, c-sections are much better when you do NOT have to labor! LOL Thankfully over the years my pain tolerance has sky-rocketed, so Noah's labor wasn't nearly as horrible, and was eventually stopped, and my c-section although earlier than planned proceded later in the evening.

This pregnancy has been so easy, physically for me. I feel very blessed and the baby has been breach up until a couple days ago when I believe the baby flipped head down (this really isn't important when you're having a c-section, plus when the baby is breach you have very little lower back pain, which is soooo nice).

I'm so looking forward to finding out if our family will be welcoming another daughter or a son! This is the 2nd time we've not found out and it's so exciting!! I can not wait to find out and meet this new little person who'll be joining our family. We have 2 girl names picked out, but can not come to an agreement on a boys name, so hopefully if it's a boy we can agree to one quickly. We'll tell our kids first (they'll be staying with a sweet friend) and then Chad will make phone calls to family and friends and shared via Facebook. I'll have my laptop and camera at the hospital with me, so either that evening or the next day I can get online and share pictures.

It's Part of Life

So as long as I can remember I've had that ability to cry over any and everything, up until the last couple of years, and well the tears don't come all that often. It's been a strange experience for me honestly. I've heard some heartbreaking stories at PWOC of women I care deeply about and there have been times where the tears have no come. Now if you're not naturally one who cries easily, you may think "yeah, big deal" but if you're like me and cry easily, you can see where this is well a little freaky. I really believe God's taken the weepiness from me, but he's been allowing some of it to come back a bit at a time.

So tonight in my very,very pregnant state (we're talking only weeks now from having this baby) I sent a friend of mine a message on facebook. She's leaving right at the same time I'm going to be having this baby. She's been so excited for our family, she rubs my belly and is constantly talking to the baby and constantly stating that she believes firmly this is a girl and honestly if it's not, I think she'll be devestated! LOL Anyways, as I wrote to her, tears filled my eyes as the very well known reality for me hit my heart that one of my dearest friends will most likely not be here when this baby is placed in my arms.

Now I've been an Army wife for 15 years and I know the Army is a small "world", but there are friends you just don't run into again....you may keep in touch on facebook or email, but there are friends you'll simply never be stationed with again. It hurts. We only have a couple more years until retirement, we know where we plan to retire (yes we realize that God may have different plans and if so we'll follow him). The thing is, this friend is leaving in a few weeks and we'll never be stationed together again, most likely. Army life isn't always easy. Deployments are not easy, some duty stations are not the best, some units well they just suck to be a part of, and saying "good-bye" or "see you later" to friends is HARD.

Tonight the tears flowed so easily as I thought of my friend leaving. I know other Army and well military wives in general deal with this. So tonight for you non-military readers as you go to bed think of and pray for military families who have to say goodbye to good friends. Our lives are our choices in many ways (the soldiers, etc didn't HAVE to sign the dotted line, but they chose to and I hope you're all thankful they did to protect all of us and fight for what's right)...even when you know the life you're in, that saying goodbye is part of that life and saying it often, it doesn't mean it hurts any less to say goodbye to that precious friend. If you learn anything as a military family it's make friends fast and love them deeply, because you don't know how long you're going to have them in your day to day life before you or them are off to a new duty station.

Letting it out

My husband and I go on walks at night, just a short mile walk, but it's our time to talk and get some light excercise, which at 8 months and the speed we're going at, makes me have to stop about 3/4 the way through to catch my breath! Last night as we walked, I poured my heart out to him of how I don't understand why I react so explosively at times. Chad stopped and said "I do, our daughter died in your arms". Whew, here come the tears again. I changed the moment she left this earth for Heaven. I struggle with anger and rage taking over me. I LOVE Jesus. I KNOW Jordyn's safe in his arms. I changed though. We walked with her through 14 months of fighting Acute Myeloid Leukemia, we walked through chemotherapy being pushed into our baby girl (she was 6 days from 1 yr at diagnosis), to irradiation and the heaviest of heaviest of chemo's going into her to destroy her immune system in preperation for her bone marrow transplant. We didn't feel the physical pain of the chemo and irradiation, but we went through the helpless feeling of not being able to fix it for her, to prevent her from pain, or being able to keep her completely safe. We had to put poison in her in hopes to save her life. I will NEVER know what it felt like for Jordyn, only what it felt like as her Momma, who was scared to death that she'd die...and that fear became my reality. I heard myself scream a scream no mother should ever have to hear come from her, a deep groaning of despair and heartache, that I truly believe there are no words for. We're now almost 12 years since we said Goodbye to our beautiful Jordyn, and not a day goes by that I don't think of her and miss her. Her death changed my soul.

I have grown over the years to trust and love the Lord more than I ever did. I'm also still full of the what if's and maybe's. I look at my children and see their sister in them so often and it makes my heart soar as well as brings it such pain. They KNOW her and love her in their hearts. I was newly pregnant with Jacob when Jordyn died. I found out I was pg with him 8 days after she died. He was not planned by Chad and I at all, but I know he was by GOD.

I have a great deal of anger towards my parents over Jordyn's diagnosis and death, but most of all towards myself. My parents are smokers and during my pregnancy we spent almost every weekend at my parents, exposing myself, and there for Jordyn who was growing in my womb to their 2nd hand poison. After Jordyn was born, Chad left 8 days later for Germany. We had to get her passport for us to travel and as soon as he arrived to his new unit, he found out he was deploying. If I could change anything about that time, I would NOT have moved into my parents house. It's now known that 2nd hand and yes 3rd hand (via the womb) cigerette smoke is linked to causing pediatric aml leukemia. I HATED growing up in a house of smokers, it was horrible, I was sick every winter with bronchitis, I always felt like I couldn't breath, and of course without a doubt I know I stunk horribly from their smoke being on my clothes,skin, and hair. Then I did what I never thought I'd do..I moved my baby and self into that house, until I could join my husband.

I can't change the past. I know I have got to forgive myself and my parents. I'm struggling with that still almost 12 years later. I don't want to hurt like this anymore. I don't want anger to just be under the surface. I want to truly be filled with joy and show my children that joy, that comes only from the Lord. I'm praying and so is Chad on this struggle that I have.

I realize this may seem all over the place, if it's not, great, but it's how it feels right now. So if it is, please forgive me. I know it's time I hand this all over completely to Jesus and not take it back. As heavy as my heart is, I know I have hope in all of this. I know that I have Jesus and that he'll substain me and he'll love me through this.

Cardboard testimony

We're an Army family and one of the greatest blessings that's come to me as an Army wife has been PWOC. I knew of PWOC slightly when I was invited once by a friend, when Jordyn was alive, at Ft. Belvoir. We went for the first half, and when they split off for bible studies we went home. I had no idea then, what I was missing out on and have no doubt it would have been a blessing for me, even if I would have only been able to go from time to time, because of chemo treatments, etc. I didn't really know too much about it over all though, until we got to Germany, and I'd been encouraged by a few friends from our home church to go to PWOC once we got here. As soon as I got here, I saw signs posted all over post about the PWOC kick off. The kick off was great, it was the 50th year of PWOC, which was started in Germany shortly after WWII and ladies wanted a fellowship/bible study. It's developed so much over the years and I'm sure beyond anything those beautiful women could have imagined and I hope it's all they could have dreamed now. It has spread beyond Army wives and is now on all military bases and posts, all branches, throughout the whole world!!

Since moving here, I've been on the board 4 times. It's been a blessing for me, at times very trying, joyful and tearful. Each board is unique and you're not going to agree with everyone on the board or how it's run. (Which is when you might have that tearful year). But it's always, always been a huge blessing for me, because here's the thing. It's not about me, or the other women there, whether we agree with each other about how things are being run behind the scenes or not. What matters is that it's all about Jesus and what I can say is that every year it's come down to being all about Jesus. When he's the focus, when it's always brought back to him...he's redeemed and he'll redeem you.

So...today was our spring kickoff for PWOC. In the fall the board all did Card board testimonies (if you don't know what this is, please do a search they're amazing It won't let me include the link tonight). It was moving, beautiful, and raw. Some were shocking, some were telling, all were those ladies truths and redemption. Today for the Spring kickoff we did more Cardboard testimonies. I had such peace when they'd asked for volunteers from the body before the end of the fall session, so I'd volunteered after praying. Then began praying on what I was to share. God spoke to me quickly, and let me tell you I wasn't too thrilled with what he wanted me to share, but it was part of my truth and of I WAS, and God allowed me to fall on my face to come to him. I had no nervousness until those of us who were sharing got into line and prepared to go in front of the ladies in that room. I thought I was going to get sick. I was baring a sin that I hadn't shared with a lot of people. But there I was, leading the pack. I left the stage in tears, full of so many emotions, that words could not cover. Most of all, so much thankfulness that God has forgiven me and he loves me.

I have to remind myself over and over again, that I'm forgiven. God does not hold my transgressions against me. He loves me. He see's me for who I am and for who I will still become. Just writing about this, has my heart racing again. I am free though, free in and through Christ. I don't know how anyone lives a day without Jesus. I am so thankful for his grace, mercy, forgiveness, and love.

Goals

I'm almost 30 weeks pregnant and what that means is in less than 2 months I'll be holding a newborn in my arms. I have c-sections, all of mine have been c-sections and although I do wish I could have experienced a vaginal birth, honestly the most important thing to me is not how the baby entered the world from my body, but that the Lord has allowed me to bring a new life into this world. I'm brought to tears just thinking about it, yep tears are forming now. I truly get how blessed I am. I've had many friends and family members who have or are dealing with fertility issue's and I'm so thankful I've never had to deal with that. My heart truly ACHES for women who their hearts desire is to feel their baby move inside their womb, or to just feel a child to call their own in their arms. This pregnancy has been very easy for me and I'm thankful for that. I am also aware that because I've NEVER experienced such an easy pregnancy that God could simply be preparing me for a baby who possibly doesn't sleep, has colic, or something. I'm praying that, that's not the case, but if so...we'll get through it one way or another, but without a doubt with God's grace!

With all the preparation of welcoming our newest child, I've been thinking of the near future and some goals I'm setting for myself. I am a fat girl. I'm not hiding this fact. I have not always been fat. I used to be a very in shape, healthy weight, confident with my body (tooooo confident) kind of girl. I could give you all the reasons and excuses on why I've allowed all this weight to be put on my body, and those reasons are important for "me" but not so much for the rest of the world. What I do know is that I'm done being fat. I'm done being winded going up and down the stairs a couple times, not being able to have the energy to do everything I want. I want to be healthy, lower my chances of various cancers, be a good example for my children. I KNOW I can do this and will do it. So once I'm healed from my c-section I'm going to start running. It'll be a process, which at the moment I'm planning on using the C25K plan. I really think this will work the best for me in building up my ability to run and plan that once I can run a 5 K without stopping I can work myself up to a 10 K and so on. It makes me excited that for the first time in years I'm going to be healthy.

Another goal for this year is to take at least one picture a day. I'm an ammateur photographer in the truest sense. I do not believe for a second that I'm in any way or form a professional at all. I have a nice dslr camera and I'm ready to really it's capabilities, which I have a friend who IS a professional photographer and has a gorgeous portfolio, and in no way do I think I'm going to be where she is anytime soon, I'm looking forward to seeing improvements in my photography. My love is taking pictures of my family and the beautiful places we travel to. I want to be able to take the best pictures possible, so hopefully this year as I share my photo's you'll see improvements.

So I have 2 completely attainable goals for this year. Two goals I'm so excited about, yet feel confident I can do. I have friends and family who are in my corner and keeping me accountable on both! I'm so thankful to the Lord for all he's brought into my life and taken out of it.