Friday, July 20, 2007

What Might Have Been

Life is full of unexpected things. We don't know what is in store for us tomorrow. What we think so often is a promise of the future is as fragile as a 99 yr old woman taking her last breaths. I keep thinking about Jordyn so much and how much our life would be different if she were alive. I honestly don't even know how to picture her in my head, only in my heart. I know so many 9 yr old little girls...some are beautiful inside and out and some are not. Some I can picture Jordyn being like and some I pray she wouldn't have been.

I was sharing Jordyn's last moments with Emily yesterday and then talking to Chad and it just rushes back fast and HARD. When I was talking to Chad I just sobbed into his chest. The reality is that there's no end for grief. There's days, weeks, even months of complete joy. I know Jordyn is with Jesus and I don't grieve for her persay but for me and what I long for. I miss her. I miss the feel of her in my arms, the warmth of her breath on my neck, the feel of her in my arms. She gave me the best hugs. The boys give wonderful hugs, but they're not like Jordyn's. She put all of herself into them and she just wrapped her arms around my neck as absolutely tight as possible. There are moments where I can almost feel those hugs, and then the ache starts up inside of me. I lose my breath for a moment. I shut my eyes and just sit there and in my heart feel those hugs. You see grieving is for us who are living. It's something we go through and it's not something you just stop doing one day. You don't get "cured" of it. You learn to live in it. Some grieve deep and hard for months, some go for years, some for days. There's no right or wrong. No one, and I mean NO ONE can truly understand what another person's feeling. They can relate, but that's as absolutely close as they can get. Be it the death of a child, parent, friend, one else can TRULY understand another person's grief or experience in any part of life. When I hear someone say "I understand" or the bigger one "I completely understand" a little part of me inside screams...."NO YOU DON'T". That relationship was not theirs. They don't get to "own" another person's feelings. I know it's done out of empathy, out of caring, out of reaching out and I don't fault that person, but something that has to be said is we can NOT truly understand what another person is feeling or going through. We can relate, that's it. We can relate how WE felt or feel about something, but to truly understand is to be that person.

I only know my personal pain of Jordyn's death. Not a single person, and this includes Chad can ever understand my feelings on her. No other woman was her Mommy. No one else held her in their arms as she took her last breath. No other woman carried her inside of their womb for those precious 10 months (deal with it women...pregnancy is NOT 9 months it's 10 months if you go the full 40 weeks and I went 40 weeks 6 days!). She was a part of me in ways no other person could ever understand. Just as the love, grief, and moments Chad shared with Jordyn are his. I don't know the depths of his pain, I know what I see with my own eyes. I know what he's shared with me, and I know the pain of the loss as a co-parent to our beautiful Jordyn with him, but his pain belongs to him and only him and I have absolutely no right to even try to claim it.

I have had a song keep going through my head the last two days. "What Might Have Been" by Little Texas (country band if you don't know). It's actually about a long lost love (girl and guy type of love) the one that got away sort of song, but I always loved it. It always grabbed a part of me. I love music and it's one of the ways that I can express myself and feel myself being expressed. I don't try and compete with others on my love of music, it's just a part of me.

Sure I think about you now and then
But its been a long, long time.
I've got a good life now, Ive moved on
So when you cross my mind....

(i, so, and) try not to think about
What might have been
cause that was then
And weve taken different roads
We cant go back again, theres no use giving in
And theres no way to know
What might have been.

We could sit and talk about this all night long,
And wonder why we didnt last
Yes, they might be the best days we will ever know
But well have to leave them in the past.


That same old look in your eyes
Its a beautiful night
Im so tempted to stay
But too much time has gone by
We should just say goodbye
And turn and walk away.


No, well never know
What might have been

I think as a mother I'll always think of "what might have been" when it comes to Jordyn. I praise GOD that she's with him. That she's safe, happy, cancer free, no worries, no tears. I will always ache though. This is just how life is for me anyways. I don't doubt God's wisdom in taking Jordyn home when she was 2 yrs old. Sure I wish that her lifes purpose wasn't fulfilled so quickly, but I know it was. I know that her time here was full of joy, happiness, and lots of giggles. That she showed me a strength that no one else ever could have. That she taught ME about God's love, how unending, how large it is. Oh I'm so thankful for every single second I had with my beautiful girl. I will miss her, but look forward to the day I get to see her Heaven.


Emily said...

Thank you. No other words. Just thank you. Your words went straight to my heart. I love you.

Kelly said...

You know I look at her and I don't see the boys at all...maybe because they are so grown up now. I love that song, btw - although I hardly listen to country anymore it's still one of my favorites (and pardon this math major for correcting you through tears, but 40 weeks times 7 days is 280 days and 9 months times 30 days is 270 days so if you did in fact go 9 months and 6 days you perhaps could get away with saying you were pregnant for 9 1/2 months :-) Love you!

SB said...

beautiful. just beautiful. Thanks for sharing that.

Manic Mom said...

Oh my God. She is beautiful too. God bless you and your family.