Monday, October 08, 2007

More Fun in Getting Real

Ok so please make sure you read the devotional after I'm done. I have felt very alone lately. I'm surrounded by people here at home obviously as well as friends here and friends in the states and family who a part of me knows they love me, but yet I just don't know why. I am seeing that I don't even love myself, so how can anyone else love me? I truly feel unlovable. I also feel like I don't even know who I am. I feel completely lost in myself and it seems rediculous.
Tonight I just couldn't take it anymore and left for a little while. I drove around post and found myself at the post lake. I walked around there for a while, and then sat on the bench and just cried and talked to Jesus. I don't see my purpose. I don't feel much of anything, and oh I miss Jordyn so much. I keep thinking it shouldn't hurt this bad still. I keep thinking how it wasn't hurting this bad, but in the last couple of weeks it just surrounds my thoughts.

When I did come home, Chad was finishing up dinner which I left just barely started, the boys were working on the playroom (with Chad) and Emma was crying, because Chad didn't bother to check her diaper (she's in cloth diapers and was VERY wet). I changed her, nursed her, put her into her PJ's, and just held her and cried with her.

I don't write this for sympathy, just being honest here. It's not going to be all lovey dovey anymore. I don't have lovey dovey going on in me not right now anyways.
So take a look at this devotion and see how perfect it was for me today.

October 8, 2007
When We Don't Understand
Sharon Jaynes

Today's Truth
"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

Friend to Friend
My son, Steven, was four-years-old when he contracted a severe case of the flu. He looked up at me with hollow eyes and slumped like a rag doll in my lap. When I took my limp little one to the doctor, he quickly surmised that Steven was dehydrated and needed to be admitted into the hospital immediately.

My heart broke as nurses strapped my baby boy onto a table and began to place IVs into his tiny arms. "Mommy, Mommy, help me," he cried. "They're hurting me! Make them stop!"

"No, honey," I tried to reassure him with tears that matched his own. "They're not trying to hurt you. They are going to make you all better."

He cried. I cried. The nurses cried.

Standing there, I could only imagine what was going through Steven's little mind: Why are these people hurting me. Why doesn't Mommy make them stop? She must not love me. She's not protecting me. If she loved me, she wouldn't let this happen. She must not care about me?

Then I had an extraordinary moment with God as He began to give me a glimpse into how He feels when I am going through a painful time that is for my benefit, but I can't understand. I cry out, "I thought you love me? Why have you deserted me? Why don't You make it stop!" But God allows the painful remedy to do its work. To me it may feel like God doesn't care, but to God, He knows that the temporary pain is necessary to make me whole.

If you are going through a difficult time right now -- a circumstance that you don't understand -- know that your Heavenly Father is right by your side. He loves you dearly and sometimes allows pain because it is the best remedy for our ultimate good.

Let's Pray
Dear Heavenly Father, I am so glad that You will never leave me. I'll admit that sometimes I whine, even cry, because I don't understand why You allow certain things to happen in my life. But I know that You are Sovereign and nothing happens by chance in the life of your children. You are shaping and molding me into the woman that You desire me to be. I trust You and Your ways even when I don't understand.
In Jesus' Name,

Now It's Your Turn
What went through your mind as I was talking about Steven lying on that treatment table?

Have you ever felt toward God the way that Steven was feeling toward me?

Do you think God hurts when we have to go through painful situations? Let's don't guess. Read John 11:35. How did Jesus feel when He saw the pain his friends were going through?

More from the Girlfriends
Pain is sometimes hard to understand. C.S. Lewis said that "God whispers in our pleasures but shouts in our pain." If you would like to learn more about how God teaches us through difficulties in life, see Sharon Jaynes' book, Your Scars are Beautiful to God. Pain is never without purpose. Let's don't waste our sorrows but use them to minister to a hurting world.

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Matthews, NC 28106

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Denise Ward said...

Thank you for sharing this devotional; it really spoke to me coming as it did during a bit of a rough patch in my own life. I will look up the verse from John that's mentioned as well. I'm sorry that you're having a low time right now; I will pray that you will soon be lifted up.

Amy said...

Thank you for your honesty and sharing. Your faith is an inspriration!


Kelly said...

I can't imagine how tough your days are - I have tons of respect for you and your family. Take more time for yourself - easier said than done I know. If you find yourself not able to shake your mood maybe a trip to your doctor is in order? We don't really know each other but I know you have a lot on your plate and asking for help is okay.