Seeing in My Heart

If you could look into my heart you'd see a woman who's been wounded many times, but with the Grace of God, healed. If you could see in my heart, you'd see many things that have went untold, except to God. If you could see into my heart you'd see tears dropped and wiped away with the gentleness of Christ's hand.

If you could see into my heart you'd see the love of a wife who wants to be a truly Godly wife. To respect her husband and never show anything less to him. You'd see a wife who's said hurtful and ugly things to this man, but see a heart who's been forgiven by that man.

If you could see in my heart you'd see a mother who wants nothing more than to raise Godly children, bring them up in love, kindness, gentleness, and discipline. You'd see a mom who feels so often that she's failin in all those aspects...yet amazingly has loving, kind, gentle, pretty well deisciplined children and that heart knows it's nothing short of the Grace of God.

Today as I listen to my boys giggle watching Spirit, knowing how much spirit they have in themselves makes me smile. I hear Emma cooing to her little "friends" on her playmat, as she moves herself all around, wiggled out of her tiny little jeans (yes she did!!), and is making her way off her mat and onto the hardwood floor!

Right now there's such joy in my heart I can't even tell you.
You see my hearts been broken, torn, and ripped apart...but it then gets healed by God. He's at times gentle and at times in my face. He knows just what I need to "Get it" each day and at times different times of the day. He's my father and when I need to be disciplined he does it...righteously, effectively, but full of love none the less. When I'm broken and falling on my face in grief...he gently lifts me up and rocks me in his strong , capable, and soft arms. He wispers reassurance and promises to me and lets me know that I indeed will see the light if I just look to him.

How a single person can get through this life without him is simply beyond my comprehension. I've lived the worst nightmare of every parent. I've watched my child die. I've buried her in the ground, and I've survived to tell about it. Could God have saved her and allowed her to live...absolutely...but he didn't. Do I understand his reasoning, no..do I accept it and realize it's all for his Glory and that ultimately she's just where she's meant to be. Do I realize that she lived on this earth the perfect amount of time to fullfil her life? Yes, yes, YES. Does it humble me to my knee's to know that Jordyn was able to accomplish all of her life's accomplishments in just 2 yrs 1 month and 8 days. Absolutely....especially when I look at myself and feel that I'm so far from still accomplishing all that God has set out for me to do so far in my 30 yrs. Why some can accomplish things in 5 days or 2 yrs vs 80 or 90 yrs I don't know. What I do know is this...God knows and that's all I need to worry about. God see's each and everyone of our hearts...those who believe and are doing their best to follow him and those who aren't.

To that I'm grateful.

Today I'm thankful for My God. For his sacrifice for me on the cross 2000 years ago.