Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Crying Out

I'm truly curious how many people hide their true feelings, how many skip the little and even the big details of their life happenings, because it really doesn't feel like anyone, besides GOD cares. He's the only one that ultimately matters the most, yet I think we ALL desire to have others not only listen to the big, little, and mundane things in our life...but to CARE and actually WANT to hear about it all.
I don't want to have a pity party here, I want to be really honest. I feel really, really lonely. I started thinking about this last night and it's just eating at me. Chad's not asked me any details on how my week went last week. I will give him the benefit of insanity. He took on the huge task of changing rooms and we're still literally in the midst of that decision of moving toys, laundry, and other effects between the two rooms, as well as getting laundry done that's out of control, etc. Yet, to be completely honest it hurts that he has not asked me once. I've had a couple friends ask how it went, yet maybe it's just me, but it doesn't feel like they really want to know all the details. I know this is Satan, telling me "you're not important. Nothing you have to say really means that much. Other people are far more interesting, intelligent, funny, beautiful, kind, honest, pure, lovely. You are none of those things." I get that those are from Satan. I know it, but wow it's hard to push him out. I keep praying to HEAR GOD tell me that I'm "loved, important, wonderfully made"...I'm struggling to hear him right now. I often feel like I'm in this battle alone. I often feel like I'm supposed to be the person that everyone can come to, but that I get to share a little and then it's time to shut up. Or I find myself being honest say on facebook and then getting slammed by someone who's not spoken to me hardly at all since college (we went to high school together), telling me how wrong my walk is with Christ and how she has 2 Christian friends who do it right because they don't share OUTLOUD their walk, but do it quietly and how when I'm honest and yes even maybe ugly in my opinions, that I'm just not showing I'm a "good Christian". Let me just say this: "Ouch". She doesn't know me, but takes my 2 strong opinions that I've shared and just shoved my face and my heart right into the ground and then stomped all over it. It's made ME feel that I have to be one way or I'm dettering someone's walk with Christ. I don't EVER want to be a person that pushes someone away from Christ, yet part of me really wants to ask "when do YOU take responsibility for your OWN WALK?" Maybe I'm wrong, most likely I am wrong in that thought, in that opinion.

I am crying out to JESUS right now. I long for him. I ache for him. I want to feel him close to me. I want to know I'm not alone in this life, especially when I feel so alone (like right now).


Freddae' said...

Thank you for this post. It is so desperately needed.

Slacker Mom said...

I'm not nearly devout as you are~but I have found that people who wish to batter you are more than likely jealous of your convictions. How does the phrase go? "One hates in another, what they lack in theirself". (Or something to that degree.

I'm sorry you are feeling this way. I think we all have a lot days as Mom's when we feel slammed against the wall a lot. I hope for you a brighter tomorrow and an ear full of hearing!

Amanda said...

Im sorry. Really I know. And I do know how you feel... (kinda) when Chad was gone all last week I felt so alone. I love that your KNOW what is from Him and what isn't... and how Satan is trying to get at you.

As far as your facebook friend... it really doesnt matter how HORRIBLY and TERRIBLY and TOTALLY wrong she is.. (cause she is)... your opinion and honestly is WHY I love you!! I LOVE that you share Gods Truth and Glory and share how we can all be better in Him and in our day to day lives. That is one of my absolute favorite things about you and I am not exaggerating. But I know that it still hurts that she is calling you out... it never feels good to be told we are wrong. You send her to me...I would be HAPPY to go and support you in ANY conversation on facebook!!! ALWAYS!

I will pray for you sweet girl...


Janis said...

so sorry that you are feeling lonely! I can totally relate - I go through periods of time like that and it is a huge struggle. I am praying for you that you will feel how much you are loved - not just by God but by your family and friends - even those of us who have not met you in person.

To be honest one of the first things that attracted me to your blog was your ability to be honest and bold about your faith and your beliefs. I often wish I was more like you. I worry too much at times about offrending people - even when I know I am right!!! :)

God bless you!

Bri said...

I'm sorry your friend doesn't understand you. Often times it's not us people are attacking, it is Who we stand for. The sad part is they often don't even realize it. It breaks my heart to see people try to put God in a box, or worse yet out right deny Him. Loving Jesus so openly and completely (as you do) brings a passion to which nothing else can compare, so let's just pray for all those friends of ours who are lacking a divine passion in their lives.

LY girl and just know when you are having a day or need a pity party, I'm here! My sister in Christ we are to bear one another's burdens. :)

Linda said...

Hi,...thank you for visiting my blog today and becoming a follower Christy. I am a Christian too and can relate to having people, (mostly unsaved family members), call me self righteous because I have let my light shine for Jesus...and they just want me to hid it under a bushel. But my husband and I just keep loving them and continue living for the Lord.

I read a few things on your blogs and became a follower tonight. I am so sorry for your loss of your precious little Jordyn.

We have lost three grandkids. Two baby boys, Samuel and Josiah, and our 6 yr. old Anna Gabrielle. On November 19th it was the 5th year anniversary of her "homegoing". She was a precious little girl too.

My daughter that lost these sweet children has a blog and it is called Dancing Barefoot... on Weathered Ground. She has written a book called "In Faithfulness He Afflicted Me" and it tells of her journey from sorrows to joys, by the grace, mercy, love, and faithfulness of the Lord.

You can find her button on my sidebar. I think you would be blessed by her story.

We live in Kansas too, ...in the Wichita area.

Love in Christ,
Linda @ Truthful Tidbits