Grace

Over the last couple of days, the Lord has truly worked on my heart, in ways I did not imagine. I have already been struggling a bit with Jordyn's diagnosis date (24th) and her birthday (30th) coming up, then Skittles our 2 year old Yorkie died on Wednesday evening and it just opened my eyes to how harsh my attitude towards others for so many various things and I've been too hard on my kids on so many aspects. I do not enjoy them nearly as much as I should. I do not rejoice in them. I'm not the fun parent, I am the complete opposite of the fun parent. I want my kids to grow up with the values and morals Chad and I believe in and feel strongly about, but I don't have to go about it so harshly. I need to show them far more grace than I have over the years. I only have one shot and I do not want my kids growing up to resent me, looking back and focusing on the negative because that's where most of their memories of me are focused at. I want to be their soft place to fall and I have not been, that's been Chad's role and that's not okay.

The Lord did not create me to be a constant mean mom. He called me to be a loving, safe, God-fearing, God-LEADING mother. I don't know how much of those things I've been to my kids and it's been a harsh reality. Yesterday we did no school work, we had a lot of cuddle time, grieving time together, and the Lord used yesterday and last night to really convict me and my parenting. I've been out of control too many times. I am ashamed of the mother I've been time and time and time again. What's amazing to me is that the Lord has every right to parent me the way I've been parenting, but instead he's shown me nothing but grace, forgiveness, and unconditional love. If the Lord can show me that, I most definitely can and must show that to my own children.

It's a time of great changes for me, I can feel it. The greatest change I want to make is in how I'm a wife and mother. Oh Lord please forgive me for being everything you've told me not to be. Please guide me to be a better mom and a better wife. Let my focus be where you want it to be.

Acts 20:32
"Now I commit you to God and to the word of his grace, which can build you up and give you an inheritance among all those who are sanctified."