Tuesday, March 19, 2013

What I wanted to do, but instead

In a little less than 2 weeks will be Jordyn's birthday, she'd be 15 years old. I wanted to celebrate her this year. I want her birthday to be a day of joy and happiness. I truly want that. Yet I sit here in tears, hurting, angry, feelings all over the place. I would love to be one of those grieving mom's who bring it all back to the Lord and in joy and comfort and love. I can't seem to do that though. I miss her. I want to be a good wife and mother, yet I fall flat and HARD on my face. Every single year, every single year I find myself flying off the handle, yelling, crying, feeling lost and confused, and just wanting to dig a hole, or finding a dark room and hiding until the middle of May. I can't do that of course, but if I was allowed to, I would.

I truly thought this year, this year I could do it. I could celebrate Jordyn, fully and completely. Please, I beg you to pray for me. I'm selfish and weak. Please pray that God will give me joy, that he'll give my heart peace.

I'm broken, weak, a sinning, hurting woman, wife, and momma.
One day I KNOW the Lord is going to allow me to celebrate her birthday the way my heart longs to.


Cheryl said...

Dear friend in Christ,

I am so sorry for your pain. We are almost five years into the loss of our son Caleb and I've found that it has been getting more difficult for me at times...not easier.

I too, find that his birthday is especially difficult. Their birthday should be a celebration for and about them...yet they are not here! I know that they are in a better place, but for us left behind it is a difficult time.

I think that God is giving us a soft heart so that we can more easily comfort others who may be going through a difficult time. We will have more compassion out of our own experience.

I was wondering if you could make a day to honor your Jordyn's life that isn't on her birthday or day that she passed. Make it a random day and plan a special meal or a special trip somewhere, or even just homemade decorations and a special tradition that will honor her year to year possibly.

My children decided that a root beer float (don't ask me where they came up with that idea, because I'm not sure where) would be what we would do to honor Caleb on his special days.

We buy the root beer and ice cream days in advance and because it has become a tradition it brings back the memory of Caleb easily. It is something that is easy to do and doesn't require a lot of prep.

Try not to be so hard on yourself. You never have to fully celebrate your daughter with joy here on earth. You will have an eternity to do that when you are reunited with her :)

Every day you are one day closer to seeing her again.

((hugs)) and love to you. I will be praying for you...