We made it through very gently even Jordyn's 12 anniversary of going to Heaven (May 8) and today (May 12) of burying her. I cried a couple times, but amazingly God just surrounded me in so much love and his gentleness that the day was actually just simply not horrible like it usually is. It was a beautiful, sunny, mild day...honestly it was much like the day she went home to Heaven 12 years ago. The Lord has filled my life in so many ways that I never could have dreamed of. I thought I'd never have another child again (little did I know that day that I was already pregnant with Jacob). I thought I'd never be able to love another child the way a mother should. I knew without a doubt that I'd hurt like that for the rest of my life and at that time I WANTED to hurt like that forever. I know that may sound crazy, but during those days, weeks, and months after Jordyn died, the pain was what kept her alive in so many ways for me. If you've lost a child I think you might understand (although we all grieve differently). Thankfully though, that pain has eased tremendously and although at times the wave of heartaches comes soaring back and the tears flow easily and I think of "what might have been"...I find I can rejoice for Jordyn more than anything. She's in Heaven, with the King of Kings. She's got our Savior to hold her, kiss her, and tell her how perfect she is in HIS eyes! (Pretty extroidanary if you ask me!). She will never know pain (physical or emotional) again, she only knows our Lord and his Amazing Grace.
Tuesday's are our very busy day, so even if I had wanted to wallow in self-pity and grief, there wouldn't have been much time. Instead we had school to do, ballet to go to, T-ball game to play (both for Emma), and Baseball practice for our 2nd oldest, dinner to make, baths to have, teeth to brush, beds to get into, and oh yeah a newborn to nurse, snuggle with, and lots of diapers to change. Oh did I mention a toddler who is almost 2 to chase, and an 11 year old to try and keep in line? As much as I despise the saying in terms of grief, life does go on. Life does not stop, grief although allowed, is not available to just wallow in, not at this time of our lives. Jordyn was remembered and thought of. Words of love and comfort were given all over facebook and off the computer. Grace was shown from dear ones, but most of all from our Lord and Savior and for that I'm eternally grateful.
Last night instead of just Jackson having baseball, Jacob did as well. Normally Jacob plays on Saturday's, but because our post has 2 teams this year and today's scheduled game was against the other team from our post they decided to move the game to Friday evening at 5:30. Jack's game was at 6:30, the only thing splitting the fields is a park...so we started off at Jacob's game and a good friend came to watch (her daughter plays on Saturday mornings so we never get to watch each others kids play, so it was really great having her there to cheer our boys on!). Jacob's team won (yeah!!) Jacob got walked (although I was already down at Jack's game by the time he went up to bat since he sat out the first two innings...go figure the first gave this season they'd have him sit out , when normally he plays the whole gave...oh well). Jack's age group still does the ridiculous "no score" junk, no one's "out", coach pitches (it's called "Coach pitch") and if the kid doesn't hit after 5 pitches, he just back to sit on the bench (I'm not a fan of this whole politically correct sports junk...oh and yes they ALL get trophies at the end of the year, because well no one's a loser ..ugh sorry I digress). Anyways, I went to watch Jackson and tried HARD to keep my big old Momma mouth closed when it came to cheering for him, but well I failed pretty miserably. When he went up to bat I kept quiet, but darn it when he got on base...I was a cheering fool! LOL Now now worries, I'm not a crazy sports parent who's pitching a very LOUD fit over the other teams, even when the coaches don't follow the rules (if you're going to have rules the coaches need to KNOW them and FOLLOW them...in my opinion). I'm just a mom who cheers for her kid to RUN when he needs to run or STOP when he shouldn't! LOL Jack did great. He's quite the hitter and I think if he paid more attention when his team was out on the outfield, he'd be quite the catcher of balls (he's not afraid to get in front of the ball, he just needs to pay attention enough to see the ball coming towards him at what ever position he's in...sigh lol). Emma's just instructional tball for 3-5 year olds, so honestly it's just nothing more or less than herding cats. Yes, herding cats. They're a crazy, wild, don't hardly pay attention most of them, little messes! It's fun, especially when you're just standing on the sidelines watching. Now when you're filling in for (or I'm sure the full time) coach or assitant coach (as Chad is) then it can be a bit stressful, especially when one or two parents are just standing around not helping to guide their child as they're supposed to. I filled in a couple weeks ago as Chad had to work late and the other coach had left for Croatia that morning with her family (perks of living in Europe..vacations to other countries at the spur of the moment, literally!). So there I was, trying to get 6 (a few kids were missing) 3 through 5 year olds to practice. I was stressed, since I had not planned on filling in (Chad was supposed to be there by the time practice started!...HA HA) I was not prepared. Let me just say, I have NO DESIRE to be a coach for this age. They're NOT bad children, they are just wild, wonder, live in their own little grass picking, rolling around in the dirt, wandering off to other parts of the field....toddlers. Yeah, I'd be good with an older age, but NOT instructional! But it was a new experience for me and makes me even more appreciative of Chad and our other coach for this team and the coaches of this age we've had for the older (now) kids! So as you can guess, there are no losers, only winners of Instructional. The all just play to have fun and learn the basic idea! (hopefully)
So here we are to today, which in Germany is now Sunday/Mother's Day. Our plan for the day is a busy one, but should be good. Church, quickly home, get Emma ready and she has ballet (recital is next weekend so they're doing extra rehersals). Come home, change her into her recital costume, take her to my friend's who is a photographer and is taking the ballet photo's, come home and we'll be having a BBQ with friends. I will hopefully be good and tired by tomorrow night and will collapse in bed.
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