Ticking of the Clock

I'm hopeful that tonight I can get to sleep earlier than last night. I didn't fall asleep until nearly 4:30, well that was the last time I saw the clock, I believe it was 4:18 am. Yes I was awake past 4 am. Insomnia has plagued be since Jordyn died. After she died it was most definately the worst. I just could not sleep at night. I'd normally just kill the time online and actually met my wonderful Kelly(2) through an online support group for parents who've lost a child to cancer. Kelly and Tami were there every night. We lost our sweet children all with in a two months span of each other (Kelly and I lost ours with in days of each other). Those long nights, they were there for me though. I honestly can't remember how late we normally sat up on the computer, I know after midnight,especially in that first year when Tami and I were pg with our boys...Kelly was right there.

There were many nights I would be on the computer at 6 am still when Chad got up for PT. I always felt bad, because he just wanted me to sleep next to him, and yet I couldn't fall asleep. I was just wide awake. I'd normally sleep for a couple hours in the morning, normally wake up when he came home from PT, then sleep off and on and be "up" between noon and 2 pm, although there were days I'd just lay in bed still not being able to sleep well.

I had maybe a year where I was doing a little better, getting to bed around 1 am or so, but it didn't last long and the insomnia got worse and worse. Last night was one of the worst nights I've had with this in quite a while. I was talking to an old neighbor about this a while back (it was about 2 am here when she was online and we were chatting) she asked why I was still up and I told her and the whole 2 yrs we were neighbors the only time she ever stayed up past 11 pm (and that was late for her!) was when they had friends from church over for dinner and just an over all get together. Otherwise, she was normally a 10 pm in bed kind of woman. Anyways, she tells me "yeah I deal with insomnia too, but I just get in bed and make myself sleep." Seriously if it were only so easy! I wish I could get into bed and just "make" myself go to sleep. I've just gone to bed many times and will just lay there, wide awake, praying for sleep to come to me.

Tonight I'm hoping I can get to sleep. It's already 2 am and I do feel a little tired, so I'm hopeful! We have cleaning to do tomorrow, finish putting up laundry, finish laundry in general, finish cleaning the boys room, the kitchen (just need to mop), and finish cleaning off the table, and clean the floors. It's I guess you could say "fall cleaning" for us tomorrow. We're having a BBQ with friends tomorrow evening. I will also be watching a baby I've watched off and on for the last 9 months or so. He'll soon be going to the states to spend time with his dad (who as far as I know he's never met!...Linda it's DJ and his mom is letting his dad take him back to the states!!!!). It'll be nice to get to see him for a few days for the last time.

Well say a prayer that I can get to sleep and get at least 6 hours of sleep, it'll definately be better than the 4 I got last night.