Clearer heart

Today was a better day for the most part. I felt just over all better today. About 5 I started feeling the NEED to just get out, by myself, for just 5 minutes. Chad got home and I left for the commissary..completely Childless. I won't leave Emma with anyone other than her Daddy, but it was 20 minutes of the break I needed and I felt so much better!

God is good there! I came home, got dinner going. Chad and the boys and Emma all were playing in the livingroom. Chad pretty well wore Emma out and the boys were just full of joy, literally!

God so often humbles me. He did today. He showed me what 20 minutes alone can do for my soul and what joy it can bring the rest of my family. I'm no good to them when I'm worn out. I just need quiet at time, even if that quiet comes in a 10 minute time in the car (to and there). It gave me time to talk to God, without interruption. We all need that. Normally that time comes once the kids are in bed, but today I needed it much sooner. Thank you Jesus for alone time. Thank you for allowing me to get my breath. For allowing me to feel your presence in moments of blahness.

Some Days

When Jordyn died a part of me died too. That is a fact. It's not what most want to talk about, but it's there. Jordyn is my daughter and will be forever. She lived. She made me a mother and taught me a great many things. I learned things about myself I never knew existed. I felt things, I'd never felt (a mother's love to begin with!). When she died I discovered new feelings. Feelings of deep grief, despair, and just a sadness that I can not put into words. I also developed anxiety attacks. They were horrible for a while. I did not get them until after Jacob was born. I did research and went to counceling (I started it in the 2nd year after her death). I was put on medication for the anxiety attacks, it didn't do much and I went off of it. No point in being on meds if they're not working (I was on them for many months too). I was/am blessed to have a best friend who walked through those dark nights and terrible days with me. Who was going through her own nightmare as well. Over time the anxiety attacks lessoned and eventually they just stopped almost all together. But...not completely. For a few yrs they came every 9 months or less. I hadn't had one in probably a year and when Emma was aprox 2 months old I thought I was losing my mind. I do think I had classic baby blues and add on some anxiety. I am totally self diagnosing myself. You see I NEVER thought Emma would be Jordyn. I was not expecting all the emotions I had after having Emma though. Emotions over Jordyn and my new joy in having a daughter, guilt, sadness, etc, etc, etc. I didn't share it with anyone really. Not Chad as I should have. ( I did tell him later, just not when I was going through it at the time), not friends here, not even my two best girlfriends.

Tonight, out of the blue, for no particular reason that I can figure out...anxiety attack showed up. I honestly felt like I could just crawl out of my skin. I'm still dealing with that feeling a little, but it's MUCH better than it was earlier. Maybe this is God's way of reminding me that I need to be depending on him far more than I have lately. He gave me a good reminder last week, yet over the weekend my focus got sidetracked.

Right now I'm praying that God lifts this burden off of me. I'm tired of dealing with this. Isn't 7 1/2 yrs long enough? I know, I know I'm missing something. I'm not giving it all over to God. I get it, I really do. My heart aches at times and I find it difficult to share the depths of that ache. It's over more than Jordyn. It's so much wrapped up. From various regrets and sadnesses of past mistakes, childhood sadness/teenage angst, the obvious death of my beautiful little girl, the joy, honor, and heartache of being an Army wife, etc. etc. etc.
I know we're not supposed to compare ourselves with other women and their walk with Christ. Yet I do. I see some women and feel that horrible tinge of envy. I want to be where they appear to be at. Of course what's going on in their heart could be completely devious to what I'm seeing. I long to write, beautifully, elegantly. Yet so often I find myself stumbling over my written words as much as I feel like I'm stumbling over my vocalized words.

So often I feel lost. Lost in myself. Who I am, who I want to be, and how to be that woman. To be thin and healthy. To be a better wife, a better mother, better teacher to my children, better Christian and Child of God most of all. Too often I look in the mirror and see a woman I am not happy with. A woman who physically disgusts myself. Who lacks so much of what she should have. A woman who puts up a front, because if she opens her heart and people see just how screwed up she is...they're going to run and run fast and hard. What's funny is I always thought of myself as someone who could open her heart and share. I've so often been the one to sit and listen. I would talk, but I'd leave a great deal out. NO ONE knows all of me, other than God and I have not even openly told him everything. He knows because he's omnipensent, not because I've said the words out loud. I am ashamed of things I've done. I know I'm forgiven, but oh why was I so stupid? I know I've broken Christ's heart. I've broken my own.

There are some out there who can tell their deep dark secrets and use it as a testimony. There are times I long for that freedom, yet something holds me back. Fear, guilt, something.
Am I the only one that can be at times surrounded by people, those who love me, pray for me and with me...yet still feel so alone? Am I the only one who feels like more often than not...I'm doing all the listening and none of the talking? There are days, weeks even that'd I'd love to just hide. I never get that opportunity, but I have those moments. I'm feeling that right now. Part of me would love to go to bed and just stay there for days. Sleep as I pleased, no one bothering me, no one talking to me, no one needing something from me. It doesn't happen. It will never happen...not while my children are young anyways. Of course my luck is when I get old, that's just what is going to happen and I'm going to long to be surrounded.

So goes it. I am going to get into the word. Let God hold me tight and rock me to sleep tonight. I need him. I want him.

This week.

This week has been busy. Last weekend we went to Italy and had a wonderful time! I LOVE Venice! I can't wait until we can go back again. It was everything I dreamed it'd be and more! It's hard to put in words how wonderful it was. When you're walking the streets of a place that seems so magical to you, so beyond your imagination! We're planning to go back in April after our trip to Ireland! I look forward to it! Anyways...we came back and it felt I had to jump right back into the grind and busyness of life (yes...busy ness!) Tuesday I had to go and finalize everything with the caterer for Thursday's Deployed Spouses dinner I put together for our PWOC ladies who's husband's are downrange. I went by the flower shop and got the flowers ordered, and went to the chapel and spoke with Ch. W, Spc B, and another person to make sure everything was on task and answer a few questions. I will say thank goodness for my sweet friend B. I don't know what I'd do without her. She watched the boys for me while I did all my running, so I didn't have to take 3 kids out and about, just Emma. It made things much easier! Wed was PWOC. Jacob went to a friends home (Linda she lives in your old apartment!). He stayed with my friends son, who's also homeschooled and old enough to babysit. Jacob was able to get his school work done while I was at PWOC so he didn't have to sit down and do it in the afternoon. I did some running around that afternoon, then basketball practice for Jacob. Oh on Monday Chad and the boys went to a place called Tuckerland's. It's an indoor (and outdoor, which isn't running right now obviously) fun park sort of place. Has rock climbing, go carts, bumper cars, ball area, rope climbing, etc. Just a lot of fun for various ages and it's cheap entrance at that! Emma and I stayed home and just enjoyed the quiet and the fact that we were not in a vehicle! LOL She definately had no desire to be in her carseat after the drive to and from Italy!

Thursday was our big day. I met "L" at the commissary at 10, got drinks for the dinner. Came home, met up with B outside and took a friend home who B had brought on post for her babies well baby check up. Ran back to the commissary for some ice cream that was to go with that evenings dessert of Apple Strudel, and grabbed some frozen pizza's for lunch! B called and said she was home and that I could bring the boys over while I did all my running for the afternoon. I almost cried because it was such a blessing to not have to take the boys out and about. It's not that they're hard, they're not, it's just that if you have more than 1 child you can understand it's easier when running around like your head's cut off to only have one child than 3 with you! So I dropped the boys off and up to the chapel I went. Told the Chaplain's Assistant's Assistant how I wanted the tables, got the books that were to be gifts for the ladies out, got games and picked out video's for the kids to watch and play after they ate. Ran to the flower shop and picked up and paid for the flowers. Dropped off the flowers and off to pick up the food. Let me tell you now that up until this moment everything had gone very smoothly, I should have been prepared for Satan to attack, but I was rather surprised! LOL I get to the caterer and find that although they marked "Thursday" or I should say "Donnertag" she wrote the 25 vs the 24. So they were not expecting me until Friday. I was shocked and said that my dinner was at 5: 30 that evening. They asked if I could come back in an hour and the food would be ready, except they wouldn't be able to make the apple strudel. That was fine, I had vanilla ice cream for dessert so I did not care! I went back in an hour and it was done, loaded into my van, and I got it all unloaded (without help). The sweet girl who spoke English had only been working there for 4 weeks and was so upset, she was sobbing at one point. I felt terrible for her. I just hugged her and told her it was ok, that God KNEW this would happen and that it was fine. I had a choice in that moment to be angry and upset or show God's grace. I showed Grace, which is of course exactly what she needed and deserved. I have no idea if she knows Christ, but I shared with her that I did and that he knew this was going to happen and that he was with her. I prayed that her boss showed her grace and was not hard on her. Mistakes happen, that's just a fact of life. Once I got back to the chapel I unloaded everything from the van, then it was start preparing for the ladies! I got all the flowers out on the tables (I had ordered primroses, they were beautiful!). Got the food set up. I had to get out another table for the books, I got those spread out for the ladies to be able to look at and choose. My helpers arrived and began making plates for the kids, they even cut up the little one's schnitzel's had their juice boxes ready and everything! We prayed with the kids as they were arriving so they could begin to eat. Once all the ladies had arrived I shared with them how Satan tried to attack our evening and that it got me back on focus.

The fact is Thursday was not about me. It wasn't even all that much about the deployed spouses. It was and is about GOD. He is what our focus needs to be on at all times. What an awesome reminder that was for me and I hope for the ladies at the dinner. I prayed over our meal and we ate! Dinner was wonderful! The food was great, the friendships are precious, and the fellowship and focus on God..AWESOME! I shared the devotion I'd been praying over for the last 2 weeks. God just always gives us the right words at the right time doesn't he?! He took me all over the place, but in the end it was just what they needed to hear from him. I also shared idea's for Carepackages for the soldiers. I was really happy I was able to do that! There was 8 pages of idea's! The ladies all helped me clean up, which was so awesome and kind! I was done and on my way home by 8 pm!

I want my focus this week to be placed directly on the Lord this week and make sure he's the focus of my children this week. Thursday, Jacob turns 7 yrs old. I can not believe it! How fast the years are going by. I really do recognize how fast these years are going by and how in a blink of an eye he'll be off to college. My heart aches and rejoices at once. I'll have done my job at preparing him for adulthood, but will ache for the little boy he is right now. He's a precious little boy. He's got a kind heart, full of love, grace, and compassion. I pray he continues to hold onto those qualities. I pray I can be a better mom to him. He deserves me to be the best I can be. To be compassionate along with firm. I need to be better at spending one on one time with him. If you have more than one child it gets to be more challenging. When you have two, it is definately possible to have one on one, but once you have more than that living in your home you find yourself all caught up with well everything, but what you should be. I should write that I get caught up like that. One of the things I want to do this next year of Jacob's life is make sure I get one on one time with him. I am going to be allowing him to stay up longer than Jackson by 20 minutes. I think this is important. They share a room, but I hope that if we send Jack to bed earlier we can sit and just talk to Jacob. It means we do have to be on top of bedtime even more than we are and I feel over all bedtime is pretty smooth most nights. I know Jack will not like it, but well things happen that we don't always like! With that I need to make sure we're having one on one with Jackson as well.

Well I've rambled enough!

Mish Mash

Today was the Spring Kickoff for PWOC (Protestant Women of the Chapel) for non-military this is our Women's bible study. I'm on the board as the outreach person, which has been a perfect fit for me! Even with our break I've been busy planning a Deployed Spouses Dinner which is a week from tomorrow! I'm excited, but it has taken a lot of work and I do really hope the ladies enjoy it!! I will be stepping down though after 2 1/2 yrs and letting someone else take over this position. God placed me in the perfect position for *ME*, but it's almost time to let it go and I do so with joy in my heart. I know God's already working on a lady to take it over! It'll be exciting to see who she is! I'm praying for her now and if God places her name on my heart I'll be mentioning her to our President, but of course he may not tell me!

Anyways...today we did the kick off and it went wonderful! I'm excited about the new study! I already know which study I'm taking, but will continue to pray over it to make sure it's the ONE as I do NOT want to make a mistake like I did last semester! The study last time was great, but it was not the one I was "supposed" to be in, and I didn't realize it until we were many weeks into it. Lesson learned trust me!

I took Jacob with me. Normally he goes to a FCC provider (in home daycare), but I've misplaced her phone number and couldn't call her and let her know he was coming. I had him pack up his books and off we all went. He sat beside me and did all his school work. No complaints, a few questions which he asked quietly and he did his work. After it was over, friends were asking how he spent his time and they were shocked to find out he did his school work during our program! Amazed that he was smiling and didn't mind being in a room full of women! (There were about 60 there today). They all complimented him, which definately was a nice boost to his little ego! I talked to a friend who's homeschooling her 13 yr old. When PWOC started this year (in the fall) she'd mentioned that he'd most likely watch Jacob for me on Weds., so I talked to her today and she's going to talk to her son and I will talk to him as well and if so I'll take Jacob to her place. Jacob loves her son and he is great with Jacob so I think Jacob would enjoy it. Jacob liked going to the FCC providers, but he was always there with little ones and said he got bored sometimes. Plus he couldn't do his school work there, because she had other activities planned so it pushed his school into the afternoon. If he goes to my friends, he'll be able to do his school work and at least have the majority of it done and if he has any left after lunch we can finish it up and be done for the day soon afterwards!

I also started thinking, next year Jackson's going to be at an age where he will not be allowed to go to childcare during PWOC either. I think that'd be too much for my friends son to take on and I don't see a lot being done if Jack went there too. I'm already praying that God will place someone in our life who's not going to PWOC, where they can work on their school work, and I can continue on with PWOC. I know God already has this taken care of. He knows what a blessing PWOC is to me and that especially during the deployment it's one of my saving graces!

On a totally different topic...Emma. She's starting to push up. Crawling is so close and it makes me want to cry. I KNOW she's 5 1/2 months and that it's the next step, but I'm not ready. I am absolutely in no hurry for her to get bigger. I am just enjoying her babyhood for all that it is, but you know it's already almost half way over. How is that? It feels like she was JUST born! Last night Chad and her were playing and she was babbling. She's been babbling for a while now. When she wants to nurse she'll go "mmmmmummmmummmm". I had never claimed that to be "mom" more of "mmmm"...but last night she's all gaga,ba,dada. Yes, "dada". Oh no. So I pulled the "mmmmum" card out and said "that's mom"! ROFL! Looking at Chad and her last night, she really does look like him, and I don't know if he see's it but what he does see is this little girl we've both prayed for, are in love with, and who in a few short months he's going to have to leave and not see grow up "in person" for 15 months (well ok 14 1/2 when you count block leave). Let me tell you, it stinks. It breaks my heart. She loves her Daddy. Her face lights up when she sees him. Her eyes shine and just dance when she see's him or the boys (me too, but I'm often the one holding her). Her eyes the way they sparkle remind me so much of Jordyn. Different color, but that life in them. Her eyes already draw people in, because they're HUGE and sooo blue. The boys do not have blue eyes! Jacob has hazel and Jack has brown. Her eyes often startle people when they see her for the first time. They just simply draw you in. Jordyn's eyes were blue for a while, but turned hazel (not the same blue as Emma's though), and her eyes would draw people in. People often commented on her eyes. It's amazing to me really. The boys have always been compared to with their looks and I know they look alike! To think that even though my girls never knew each other here on this earth, that God put something in them that would allow for the same comments...their beautiful eyes. He is gracious isn't he!

Emma Grace 5 months

Jordyn 6 months

I've decided I'm going to start to once again try and memorize verses! This weeks verse for me is:

Eph. 2:8

For it is by Grace you have been saved,

through faith and this is not from yourselves,

it is the gift of God.

How great is he? He gave us Grace, in the form of Jesus, so that we can join him in Heaven. Oh how great he is...how great he is.

Life

I've been terrible at blogging over here I feel like. So often I want to write and then get distracted by, oh life! I don't write a lot about our homeschooling life and don't know why, it's such a HUGE part of our life and I love it so much. I need to start blogging more about it! Trust me, my blog will not be all about HS but I will be adding in more. Right now I'm actually at a point of trying to figure out if I want to stick with what we've been doing or add some new things. I'm really intrigued by so many different curriculum's and it's just so hard to know which ones will fit our family, most of all which ones the boys will like. I have to start saying and looking at it as "boyS" because Jack will be starting a more "formal" schooling come fall time. We go year round, but in the fall is when they move up you could say to the next level/grade. I find myself drawn to FIAR (Five in A Row). I love reading, so there's a big portion of why I'm leaning towards it. I've come in contact via Internet with quite a few who do FIAR and seem to really love and enjoy it. So I'm pretty sure come fall we'll have this curc. and see how the boys do with it. If you have any opinions on it or other curic. please let me know. I think to give my children the best education I have to be open to trying different ones. I will say that expense does factor in. We're definitely not rolling in dough, and I also know I can give my boys an EXCELLENT education without spending tons of money.



One of the things I've been done poorly on so far this year is reading aloud to the boys. Chad reads every night to them, but that's separate. That's a bedtime routine. What I wanted to do this year was pick some books and read them aloud to the boys every day/evening, discuss what we read, and if we can do a project or craft that relates even better. But I will say it, having Emma and adjusting to having 3 under 6, and that last being under 6 months has been challenging. Jacob's very smart, reads amazingly well and from what I've observed (and discussed with other parents) he's well above other kids his age in his reading ability. Anyways he often does his homework at the dining room table and I'm sitting in the living room (it's really just one great room) rocking Emma, nursing Emma, changing Emma's diaper, playing with Emma, helping Jackson in some way...OK you get the point. I help and assist Jacob a fair amount, but he does a great deal on his own and I check over his work. He reads aloud, we discuss what he reads, we go over his math together and I make sure he understands what he's about to do then I check and make sure his answers are correct, he works on memorization of bible verses (AWANA), he has his spelling words, and that's a pretty typical day for him. We do have a new science curric. but we're waiting until Spring to start that. I try to take them to the library every couple of weeks to check out books, and we also use the chapel library as well. There's chores to be done, meals to be made, toys to be played with, and they get a little TV thrown in there as well. Then add in the sports our days and often evenings are filled...yet I am not feeling that I'm giving Jacob (currently) the absolute best education I could be giving him. I think in some ways although Jacob's NEVER been in public school (well he did go to a public school for his 1 yr of preschool that he was part of) my own schooling has me trained to feel that because he's not sitting doing 6 hours of school work, he's missing something. Never mind that he's getting more actual work done in half the time as a traditional brick and mortar school child is. Most of the time I don't compare or worry, etc...but there are times where I do. I know it's Satan attacking me. He does not want our family focused on Christ. He does not want to see our family feeling the joys and accomplishments that homeschooling brings us, he definitely does not want our children to hear and most of all LEARN the word of God during their "schooling" period! I have to remember that. I am determined to stay ahead of Satan and will not let him take this gift away from my children and our family. I will fight the doubts he seeps into my head.



With that, we're going to be giving our family an awesome "field trip" you could say! Being an Army family, and being so blessed as to live in Germany gives us wonderful travel opportunities! This weekend is Martin Luther King's birthday, so Chad has a 4 day weekend. I really wanted to go somewhere we have not been yet. I was thinking Chad wouldn't want to travel too far so I suggested places that were 4 hrs or less from here. The first one was Prague (said to be the most beautiful city in all of Europe!) and Salzburg (one place I'm dying to go to!!). Chad said "how about Venice"! I'm thrilled! We're heading out on our 6 1/2 hr drive early Friday morning (planning to be up and out between 4 and 5 AM....YIKES!) ***I'm NOT A morning person!****

We'll be down there by late morning. We're actually staying at Vecenza on the Army Post there and will take the train down to Venice. It's only 45 minutes away!! I'm so excited you have no idea! I have so much to do still before we go! I have to go the store and buy some snacks (going for healthy because I'm determined to lose weight and get HEALTHY!!), I'm using the money my parents sent me for Christmas to buy a larger memory card (At least a 4 GB), and some rechargable batteries. That reminds me I need to charge up our video camera. Thursday I'm going to clean the van, put Emma's new carseat in it (she's currently in an infant seat and it's time for her to move up to her Britax Convertable seat). I need to bring our suitcases up and get them packed. Make sure that any clothes we take does not scream AMERICAN (aka no American Flag shirts! LOL). On a good note, all my laundry is washed, being put away is a whole other task that will be done at a later time! LOL (It's folded!)



When we get home there will be plenty to do. Laundry of course, putting away all this clean laundry, cleaning up and getting rid of our bird cage (our cat managed to knock the bottom off the cage and kill the bird...we're done with birds at least until we move back to the states, I see no reason to be feeding Whisker's live birds that we paid for!). The playroom needs to be finished up. I need to shop for our friends son's birthday, as well as Jacob's upcoming birthday. I want to get my room all cleaned up, organized, and maybe rearrange it! :) We'll see how much I get done over the next few weeks!



Next time I blog will most likely be when we're back from Venice and I'll share pictures!

Thanks

I wanted to thank Tiffany for making me my awesome new header! Tiffany is REALLY creative and is really warm, kind, and loving! Thanks girl!! BTW if you want a really awesome gift for yourself or someone you love...go to her website!! She's made our family a few things! I have a wall collage that should be getting here any day, we have her braceletts, keychains, and she made our Christmas card. She also made my mom and my mil wall collages and they're all just gorgeous!!

Thanks again Tiffany!!

The Ugly

I've been in a funk when it comes to writing lately. I want to write and in my heart I have so much to write about, yet I have a guard up. I've built a fairly nice wall up and it's hard to break down. To be vulnerable (again) and real. I struggle with that at times. There are moments when I am as real and honest as I can be, but it's exhausting to let it all out and when I don't know who's all reading well that's really baring it isn't it. ? .

Well here's the reality. Chad's leaving in a few months. Iraq here he comes, again. I know this is what my actual blogs have been about lately, but hang with me if you want because I have some place to go with it, I think! ;)

Chad and I have not been getting a long the best lately. Normally I internally blame myself, why, because well I can be a real wench and it normally IS my fault on many to most levels. He gives me high expectations because he delivers them so often, so when he doesn't well it normally ticks me off. I know there are PLENTY of women who wish their husbands did this, and hey I wish they did too...but anyways. That is Chad. He's for the most part a great guy, great husband, great Daddy. He still has his faults. I'm not going to announce all of them out on cyber space because that's simply not necessary. I do enough of it to his face. :X Anyways...we've both been testy with each other. I'm snapping at him or he's snapping at me. Hello "predeployment" mood swings! The last week I'll probably be the ugliest to him too. For those of you not in the military or have never been through a deployment, I can only tell you I'm not alone in this ugly behavior. I mean I KNOW outside looking in it sounds just awful, well trust me from the inside looking in it's just as awful. I will be ugly and then be sobbing in remorse. It's a horrible cycle. I believe for me and probably for most other military spouses (and the members themselves) it's a defense mechanism. Building the wall thinking "if I'm mad at him/her I won't miss them so much" ROFL!! Yeah I know, get real. What ends up is you do miss them just as much anyways and now you've went and ruined those last moments with them being ugly.

Well, we've got an early start people. Today they did one of the first things in preperation and we've both been snappy with each other this evening. We even talked about what he did today, but never really addressed the issue. Part of it is that we are guarded in how much we talk about since we have not told the boys yet. I think Jacob knows, but not sure. Chad's slipped a couple times and did a HUGE slip last week and I pretty well came unglued on him. So I think we're going to need to tell them sooner rather than later at this point since Chad keeps slipping up. (See there's another annoyance for me..literally as I wrote it out about him slipping I rolled my eyes not even thinking about it!).

Oh and add on we've had had wonderful colds and just not felt really great, we're a pleasant group to be around. I try to be nice when I'm around others, but man behind closed doors...the real ugly Christy starts to show and it IS ugly.

So...what am I going to do about it? Well since I've actually written it all out here for the public to see and know, I'm going to do something.

My goal is to stop myself when I find myself being ugly with him. It will not make the deployment better. It will not make me miss him less. It will not make me feel better, it only makes me feel worse. I'm leaning on Jesus for this too. I'm asking him to help me. I'm asking him to shut my mouth when it needs shutting. I'm asking him to soften my heart when it's starting to harden. I'm asking him to be the love that shines out of me.

Will you all pray for me too? Will you pray for Chad?

I'm off to bed.

Sickies

We have them again in our house, so far I'm the only one not coughing and hacking up a lung. Emma's the one I feel the worst for, Chad's the one I'm most annoyed by! Chad rarely gets sick, as a child he NEVER got sick. Yes you read that right, the man never got sick. He had chicken pox before he was school aged and after that nothing. He didn't miss a day of school for anything other than school sponsored functions (perfect attendance always). So now when he does get oh say the slightest cold...it's like a national tragedy. I'm "sick" of listening to him! LOL He has simply a cold, you know that thing most of us get at least once a year..yeah! The boys both have a cold too and so does sweet little Emma Grace. This morning she started screaming for no apparent reason too and she's done that twice now. She is also teething and I'm thinking the horrifying screams are from those mean teeth trying to fight their way through her tender little gums.

Chad and her sat in a very hot and steamy bathroom last night to try and break all the gunk up in her chest, they both felt a bit better and both sounded better after that. Chad and the boys are also taking cough suppresant at night so they can all get some sleep. Jacob HATES it and takes so long drinking it, we both keep telling him to just gulp it down in one shot, it just makes it so much easier than prolonging it. Jack's not feeling good besides the cold too, I pray he doesn't get anything else besides this cold. We've dealt with the flu between the 5 of us already and I do NOT want that again in this home. I keep windows cracked open so that we have some fresh air getting in and hopefully sick germs leaving.

Emma and Chad took a bath this morning, and she's now finally passed out on my chest as I type this. I think all you momma's can understand and relate how helpless you feel when your child is sick, but it's worse when it's your baby. Because of Jordyn I normally am pretty relaxed when my kids get sick. I know you'd think I'd have went the opposite direction but I figure for the most part it's just making their immune systems stronger every time they get sick. Over all when compared to the average kid, my children rarely get sick and that is an absolute blessing.

So with all that said and done, say a little prayer for my precious family please. That first of all our baby girl gets over this nasty cold and starts to feel better and that my boys get rid of their cold and that in some ways the biggest baby of them all, my husband gets past his. I do think it's good this man gets sick every once in a while, builds empathy! :) BTW this is his first cold ever! Disgusting isn't it..almost 33 yrs old and this is the first time he's had a cold. I've had one pretty well every year of my life and growing up in a house of smokers, got bronchitis every year as well. (IF you smoke, please quit, but at least take it outside and away from your kids!).

BTW...Emma turned 5 months old on Thursday. My how quickly time is going by. Too fast.

YIR and Looking towards the new year

Well it's 12:05 AM January 2 for me in Germany so since the first day of the new year is officially over, I thought I'd do a review of last year as best as I can remember and share my thoughts for this new year!
January: I was in the beginning of a new pregnancy, dealing with some morning sickness, and we celebrated Jacobs' 6th birthday! The boys wrapped up basketball, which Chad was head coach for them (same team).
Feb. I turned 30, Chad threw me a surprise party!! We went to Rothenburg odT for the first time and loved it and also to Edelweiss for a retreat and had a wonderful time!
March: We marked what would have been Jordyn's 9th birthday.
April: We found out we were having a GIRL!!!!!!! We also were in the midst of planning for my parents upcoming visit in May. Both boys played Tball and Chad was head Coach for Jackson and Asstistant Coach for Jacob's team. I went away for 4 days for a PWOC conference in Willigen (Villigen is how it's pronounced). The city is a beautiful city in the mountains and it was the longest I'd EVER been away from my children.
May: We marked 7 yrs since Jordyn went home to Heaven. My parents came for 12 wonderful days. We went to area's of Germany we'd never been to before: Triberg in the Black Forest, Berchessgarden, up to Eagle's Nest, The Netherland's to Kuekenhof, and to Poland. May my sweet Emily also found out that there were some very serious problems with the baby who was growing inside of her, Miller Grace...at that point there was still so much not known though. (You can read more about Miller Grace's 5 amazing days on this earth at: www.caringbridge.org/visit/millergracecassetty ) Chad also had knee surgery after waiting 2 yrs from the initial injury to have it. Tball wrapped up, it was a lot of fun and was great to see them enjoy themselves!
June: We spent most of our days at the park or pool, did local trips around the area. On June 23 Miller Grace was born (Emily's baby girl)....she lived for 5 amazing and precious days and on June 28 went to Dance with Jesus.
July: We celebrated 4th of July in the pouring rain for most of the day. I was VERY pregnant and pretty well counting down the days at this point. Chad braved it and took our 2 boys and 2 friends boys (4 boys in total) camping and fishing. The day they left my friend Bobbie, her little girl, and I went shopping...we bought BASKETS!! LOL That was the day my stomach almost tipped our table over too as I tried to stand up! ROFL!!




August: What a glorious month this was for our family!!! August 3...we welcomed Emma Grace into our family. She was absolutely perfect and beautiful. We'd prayed for her for so long. The boys instantly fell in love with her as Chad and I had! At the end of the month we celebrated Jackson's 4th birthday!


September: We started back to schooling after taking the month of August off, and adjusting to having Emma here with us. At the end of the month we headed down to Garmisch for a weekend retreat. Emma's first big outing, she did great and we all had a wonderful time!
October: Just local adventures, Jacob and Jack continued to enjoy school (homeschooling remember), Emma turned 2 months old and was starting to interact more and more. Halloween was fun, the boys were both Prince Peter from Narnia and Emma was a Princess!


November: We went to Rothenburg again with the chapel, celebrated with our friends for Thanksgiving. Chad went out to the field for 3 weeks and the night he came home Emma rolled over for the first time.
December: Emma became an expert at rolling over and started scooting backwards! She truly recognizes people she knows, "talks" a lot. Christmas was a blessing and we truly tried to make it special. We invited a friend and her 2 children over for dinner and the evning as her husband's deployed (we had went to her home for Thanksgiving).
Over all it's been a wonderful year with some sadness. I saw my parents for the first time in almost 2 yrs, did some traveling, welcomed our 4th child/2nd daughter to the world, and have had one of my best friends have to hand her baby girl over to Jesus and is now walking this walk of grief that truly turns the world you once knew upside down and inside out.

For 2008 we are prepared for more changes. More traveling is in order! We're planning a shopping trip to Poland for February!! Can't wait! Still need to line up childcare for the boys, I have a couple options just need to secure. May brings in big changes for our family, which I'll write about later. April I'm planning a trip for our family to Ireland!!! I can not wait for that! It's currently a surprise for Chad! Haven't decided when I'm going to tell him, I'll tell him before the trip. I'm starting to get antsy about telling him so it may be sooner rather than later! :) Planning on at least a day trip to Czech Republic to do some shopping and hopefully we can make it to Prague for a long weekend! We're hoping for a trip to Venice. Chad will be gone for 30 days in Feb (to obviously early March) so maybe in March we can go to Venice or we'll do it after our Ireland trip, it's only a 6 hr drive. I am hoping in March to take a weekend or 4 day weekend trip up to The Netherland's again to Kuekenhof. It's only open for I believe 6 weeks, it'll just depend on our finances for that one. It's a 6 hr drive as well, but the hotel will cost more than when we go to Venice (we'll stay at the Army Post that's just 45 minutes away when we go there and save money). If we can get away for a long weekend I'd love to go to Switzerland in early May. In June or July a friend and I are planning a girls only shopping trip to Belguim! They have gorgeous furniture there, antique's, and we plan on getting a couple things! :) We may have to rent a small truck or a trailor if her van has the hitch (mine doesn't I know). I don't plan on buying a ton, but do plan on buying a couple pieces hopefully! Later in the summer the kids and I are going "HOME" for 6 weeks! We'll be going to Kansas and staying with my parents, we'll be heading down to Ky to visit Emily and my friend Kandy, up to Ohio to see Chad's family for a few days, and then onto Michigan to see my best friend and to see Kelly.

My new years resolution...well normally I don't make them because people just break them, but this one is not going to get broke.
My resolution is to love God as I'm supposed to: With All My Heart, Mind, Body, and Soul.

My goal is to lose weight. This is something I'm very serious about. My friend B and I are going to start going to the gym. I want to start at least twice a week, and if it's nice out go walking around post and off post as well. I'd like to go twice during the week and if Chad's around on the weekend, go on Saturday with B and see if Chad is up to watching all the kids for an hour or so. He can do it, the boys wouldn't be a problem and if I timed it right Emma could be napping while I'm there and then he'd really only have to entertain B's little girl, D who's about to turn 1 this month! B's husband will be home in last summer and she'd like to have some weight off and I desperately am TIRED of being fat and want to get HEALTHY (B wants this too!!)...so that's the goal. I'd like to see at least 50 lbs off of me by this time next year! I KNOW I can do it.

Oh last night we welcomed the New Year in by having B and her kids over. Chad made pizza's, we munched on some snacks, played Sequence, and at Midnight B and her son and Jacob and I went outside to watch the German's shoot off fireworks! They're crazy I tell you!!! LOL They definately get into shooting in the new year! It was cold and snowing. Chad was dozing and Jack had passed out in Chad's arms by then, and Emma was out!

I pray your 2008 will be a wonderful year for you.