Monday, January 28, 2008

Some Days

When Jordyn died a part of me died too. That is a fact. It's not what most want to talk about, but it's there. Jordyn is my daughter and will be forever. She lived. She made me a mother and taught me a great many things. I learned things about myself I never knew existed. I felt things, I'd never felt (a mother's love to begin with!). When she died I discovered new feelings. Feelings of deep grief, despair, and just a sadness that I can not put into words. I also developed anxiety attacks. They were horrible for a while. I did not get them until after Jacob was born. I did research and went to counceling (I started it in the 2nd year after her death). I was put on medication for the anxiety attacks, it didn't do much and I went off of it. No point in being on meds if they're not working (I was on them for many months too). I was/am blessed to have a best friend who walked through those dark nights and terrible days with me. Who was going through her own nightmare as well. Over time the anxiety attacks lessoned and eventually they just stopped almost all together. But...not completely. For a few yrs they came every 9 months or less. I hadn't had one in probably a year and when Emma was aprox 2 months old I thought I was losing my mind. I do think I had classic baby blues and add on some anxiety. I am totally self diagnosing myself. You see I NEVER thought Emma would be Jordyn. I was not expecting all the emotions I had after having Emma though. Emotions over Jordyn and my new joy in having a daughter, guilt, sadness, etc, etc, etc. I didn't share it with anyone really. Not Chad as I should have. ( I did tell him later, just not when I was going through it at the time), not friends here, not even my two best girlfriends.

Tonight, out of the blue, for no particular reason that I can figure out...anxiety attack showed up. I honestly felt like I could just crawl out of my skin. I'm still dealing with that feeling a little, but it's MUCH better than it was earlier. Maybe this is God's way of reminding me that I need to be depending on him far more than I have lately. He gave me a good reminder last week, yet over the weekend my focus got sidetracked.

Right now I'm praying that God lifts this burden off of me. I'm tired of dealing with this. Isn't 7 1/2 yrs long enough? I know, I know I'm missing something. I'm not giving it all over to God. I get it, I really do. My heart aches at times and I find it difficult to share the depths of that ache. It's over more than Jordyn. It's so much wrapped up. From various regrets and sadnesses of past mistakes, childhood sadness/teenage angst, the obvious death of my beautiful little girl, the joy, honor, and heartache of being an Army wife, etc. etc. etc.
I know we're not supposed to compare ourselves with other women and their walk with Christ. Yet I do. I see some women and feel that horrible tinge of envy. I want to be where they appear to be at. Of course what's going on in their heart could be completely devious to what I'm seeing. I long to write, beautifully, elegantly. Yet so often I find myself stumbling over my written words as much as I feel like I'm stumbling over my vocalized words.

So often I feel lost. Lost in myself. Who I am, who I want to be, and how to be that woman. To be thin and healthy. To be a better wife, a better mother, better teacher to my children, better Christian and Child of God most of all. Too often I look in the mirror and see a woman I am not happy with. A woman who physically disgusts myself. Who lacks so much of what she should have. A woman who puts up a front, because if she opens her heart and people see just how screwed up she is...they're going to run and run fast and hard. What's funny is I always thought of myself as someone who could open her heart and share. I've so often been the one to sit and listen. I would talk, but I'd leave a great deal out. NO ONE knows all of me, other than God and I have not even openly told him everything. He knows because he's omnipensent, not because I've said the words out loud. I am ashamed of things I've done. I know I'm forgiven, but oh why was I so stupid? I know I've broken Christ's heart. I've broken my own.

There are some out there who can tell their deep dark secrets and use it as a testimony. There are times I long for that freedom, yet something holds me back. Fear, guilt, something.
Am I the only one that can be at times surrounded by people, those who love me, pray for me and with me...yet still feel so alone? Am I the only one who feels like more often than not...I'm doing all the listening and none of the talking? There are days, weeks even that'd I'd love to just hide. I never get that opportunity, but I have those moments. I'm feeling that right now. Part of me would love to go to bed and just stay there for days. Sleep as I pleased, no one bothering me, no one talking to me, no one needing something from me. It doesn't happen. It will never happen...not while my children are young anyways. Of course my luck is when I get old, that's just what is going to happen and I'm going to long to be surrounded.

So goes it. I am going to get into the word. Let God hold me tight and rock me to sleep tonight. I need him. I want him.


Chelle' said...

I could say so much here. But I think you are right in heading to the arms of Jesus. He is the one who comforts, casts out fear, and fills you with peace.

John... the entire book... for moments like these. Knowing HIM again. Reminding ourselves of His person. Abiding.

I am praying for you!!!