Wednesday, January 09, 2008

The Ugly

I've been in a funk when it comes to writing lately. I want to write and in my heart I have so much to write about, yet I have a guard up. I've built a fairly nice wall up and it's hard to break down. To be vulnerable (again) and real. I struggle with that at times. There are moments when I am as real and honest as I can be, but it's exhausting to let it all out and when I don't know who's all reading well that's really baring it isn't it. ? .

Well here's the reality. Chad's leaving in a few months. Iraq here he comes, again. I know this is what my actual blogs have been about lately, but hang with me if you want because I have some place to go with it, I think! ;)

Chad and I have not been getting a long the best lately. Normally I internally blame myself, why, because well I can be a real wench and it normally IS my fault on many to most levels. He gives me high expectations because he delivers them so often, so when he doesn't well it normally ticks me off. I know there are PLENTY of women who wish their husbands did this, and hey I wish they did too...but anyways. That is Chad. He's for the most part a great guy, great husband, great Daddy. He still has his faults. I'm not going to announce all of them out on cyber space because that's simply not necessary. I do enough of it to his face. :X Anyways...we've both been testy with each other. I'm snapping at him or he's snapping at me. Hello "predeployment" mood swings! The last week I'll probably be the ugliest to him too. For those of you not in the military or have never been through a deployment, I can only tell you I'm not alone in this ugly behavior. I mean I KNOW outside looking in it sounds just awful, well trust me from the inside looking in it's just as awful. I will be ugly and then be sobbing in remorse. It's a horrible cycle. I believe for me and probably for most other military spouses (and the members themselves) it's a defense mechanism. Building the wall thinking "if I'm mad at him/her I won't miss them so much" ROFL!! Yeah I know, get real. What ends up is you do miss them just as much anyways and now you've went and ruined those last moments with them being ugly.

Well, we've got an early start people. Today they did one of the first things in preperation and we've both been snappy with each other this evening. We even talked about what he did today, but never really addressed the issue. Part of it is that we are guarded in how much we talk about since we have not told the boys yet. I think Jacob knows, but not sure. Chad's slipped a couple times and did a HUGE slip last week and I pretty well came unglued on him. So I think we're going to need to tell them sooner rather than later at this point since Chad keeps slipping up. (See there's another annoyance for me..literally as I wrote it out about him slipping I rolled my eyes not even thinking about it!).

Oh and add on we've had had wonderful colds and just not felt really great, we're a pleasant group to be around. I try to be nice when I'm around others, but man behind closed doors...the real ugly Christy starts to show and it IS ugly.

So...what am I going to do about it? Well since I've actually written it all out here for the public to see and know, I'm going to do something.

My goal is to stop myself when I find myself being ugly with him. It will not make the deployment better. It will not make me miss him less. It will not make me feel better, it only makes me feel worse. I'm leaning on Jesus for this too. I'm asking him to help me. I'm asking him to shut my mouth when it needs shutting. I'm asking him to soften my heart when it's starting to harden. I'm asking him to be the love that shines out of me.

Will you all pray for me too? Will you pray for Chad?

I'm off to bed.


Linda said...

Christy, I have been (and am) in your shoes, and there's not even a deployment looming over me. So you can bet your sweet bippy that I'll be praying for you...because at least that means I'm praying. Me and God right now...not so close. But if I FOCUS on praying for others, I know He'll hear me, and then maybe he'll get the crud out of my heart and head.

Amy said...

Hey girl - When does he leave? I can totally relate. :(

Emily said...

Of course I'm praying. And you know Chad & I are tight, so I'll hold you accountable and make sure you treat him right.... :P