Tuesday, December 08, 2009

I'm going to blow

Let me start with this: I love my kids. I'm just so very, very frustrated with them today. Every Tuesday I have practice for our Praise team with PWOC, as a homeschooling Mom, they go with me of course. For some reason they just will not behave while we're there at the chapel. They loose all sense, misbehave, and just frustrate the living daylights out of me. Today was the worst I think they've ever behaved. I met Chad on the way home and just lost it. The tears were coming and I just could not stop them. Sometimes I just want to throw the towel in. I wonder what I'm doing? I'm obviously not doing something, or many things right for them to behave like this. I am feeling extremely overwhelmed and honestly just sad.
I'm thankful for a husband who just lets me get it out and encourages me to keep crying, knowing it was a stress relief for me.

Sometimes I just quetion if I'm cut out for all of this. Is this really the plans GOD has for me? I always have wanted to be a mom. I could never drop them off at daycare, I know GOD has us homeschooling for a reason, I just need a break. I'm tired, emotionally and physically. Maybe I'm not soft enough when it comes to mothering. I feel myself screwing all of this up, fear they'll hate me, or worse have the same feelings about me as I do about my mom. I don't want that. Are my expectations too high, or maybe not high enough? It's time for this momma, this woman, for me to do some major soul searching and just shut up and listen to GOD and really hear him.


EmilytheCreative said...

Funny you should write this, I am working on a similar blog. Just know you aren't alone and that God knows we are humans with fleshly natures and He thankfully has the patients to deal with us.

CntryMomma said...

I get the same way, girl ... and I'm not a homeschooling mom who has her children around her during the day ... so what's my excuse, huh?!

I really beat myself sometimes up 'cause I just want to be the "perfect" mom. (Don't we all?) I know it is unrealistic but still ... somehow I blame myself when my children are disobedient, obnoxious, messy, irresponsible ... as if I did something wrong to make them choose to behave that way. :o/

Are you exposed to mothers to DO act like they are perfect? *smack!* What are THEY hiding, huh? LOL

Hey guess what my word verification is: JORDE (!!!)

Thought that would make you smile. ;o)

Bekah said...

I feel the same way. Of course, I also get the whole 20 questions thing when I tell people I am going to school to be a teacher, yet am homeschooling one of my kids. That frustrates me to no end. I love you, and am praying for you.

Emily said...

You're a wonderful mother. Be still and know He is God.

Missie said...

All of us mother's whether or not we homeschool or not, have those feelings and worries. You'll be okay and so will your kid! You're a great mom and don't forget it!

He & Me + 3 said...

You are not alone. I feel that way all the time...My kids misbehave all the time & it frustrates me too...Thank God for our husbands.

Barbara In Caneyhead said...

I'm thinking you probably do every thing just as near right for your children as possible.

ALL children know or sense when mom/parent is directing their attention/concentration on something else. (A business phone call, a delicate repair, studying, etc.) and they will sieze that opportunity to run wild. Sometimes just to push the envelope and try the bounderies and other times as a direct attempt to get our attention back on them. As a wise woman in our church shared with me after Bubba went to acting like a dog in services....this too shall pass.

And ALL parents/moms, whether they have one child or twenty, whether they are at the top of their game or barely functioning, need a break, haven, activity....something that is theirs and theirs alone. WITHOUT their children. So they can hold on to who they are, so they can remember how to interact with adults.

Amanda said...

Girl... you have NO IDEA how much I can relate to this post.

I mean seriously. I was born to be a mom. I LOVE my kids. I love my life!

But lately... I have. had. enough.

My patience is gone and my ability to handle the situation as I should is gone as well.

I read your post and just nodded my head in agreement. Like...really, REALLY agreeing with you!!

How can I snap out of this funk?