I am not ashamed to cry. I recognize and realize that tears are not a sign of weakness, but are cleansing and refreshing to the soul. They often open you up to more people as they see you're willing to show your emotional side. Last year it seemed every time I turned around someone was making a snide comment about my tears, although when I sat down and thought about it, my tears seemed to come less and less last year and since having Noah I can count on one hand how many times I've cried. I normally go through a dry spell from time to time a few times a year, but this has been I think the longest, where other than a couple times because of circumstances I'm not at a place I'm willing to talk about here, I've just not cried much. I will get teary eyed with Noah, and of course had the normal post partum tears after having Noah, but although there have been things that normally would set the tears off, lately even when I want and need to, I can't cry.
As I was reading my devotional tonight low and behold what is it about....tears. Let me share part of it with you:
Revelations 7:17 "For the Lamb at the center of the throne will be their shepherd;he will lead them to springs of living water. And GOD will wipe away every tear from their eyes".
Look at your bible and the men, yes MEN in it. How many of them wept? David did, my goodness Psalms is full of his tears. Jacob wept and grieved at the death (or so he thought) of his beloved child, Joseph. And most importantly....JESUS WEPT. JESUS wept and cried out to the Lord.
I have held onto this hurt for the last year. I've felt bitterness towards a particular person last year, bitterness that turned a place/group/ministry that I LOVED/LOVE into something that I dreaded and nearly wanted no part of. What I am constantly learning and relearning is that we can tease via friendly teasing, but even that can get hurtful after a while. We have to guard our own hearts and for me I need to be sensitive to not out of sarcasim, teasing, jesting, etc cause pain to others because of something they do or don't do.
I honestly do struggle to understand those who have a hard time openly crying, because it is such a natural thing to me. But that's who they are. I have no right to judge them for it, to see it as a weakness (whether it is or isn't)...instead I just need to love them, be an encouraging friend, a soft place, and love them like Jesus. Let me tell you though...I suck at that. I sit here in my home, in my chair and I judge. I judge like no one's business. Who am I to do that? I, who's constantly concerned that others are judging her, that people are gossiping about her, or simply talking about her behind her back....so who am I to do it? I wish so much that GOD would just swipe those thoughts out of my head, that he'd slap his hand across my mouth, and then get right in my face and tell me to SHUT UP. My silent judgement has allowed me to put a wall up. I've cut myself off from allowing others to get too close. It hurts to have others make you feel like a part of your personality is this big flaw, that's to be made fun of. It hurts when you feel like when you walk into a room others are judging you because you cry easily, because you're the fat girl, or any other reason. It hurts to think people are talking about you behind your back because of any or all of those reasons as well.
I'm tired of worrying about what others think or are saying or not saying. I KNOW I only need to be concerned with what GOD thinks of me. I know I need to worry less about the opinions of others, and just simply be the woman GOD wants me to be. Why is that so difficult though? Why do we continue to listen to Satans lies? Why am I so self centered that I think what someone has said or written is a jab or simply directed to me? You know I've reread the previous sentence 5 times now and here's a simple truth...I'm simply not that important in others lives for them to talk about or write about me 99.9% of the time. It's really conceited of me to think otherwise. Wow, that was quite the revelation from GOD just now. I need to get over myself. Time to pull up my big girl panties and just let these issue's go, because they are most definitely my issue's and not others. Well then.....
Lord let me see myself in your eyes. Let me be the woman you desire for me to be. Let me be the wife and mother you have called for me to be and not be concerned or so self centered as to think that others are talking about me or even thinking enough about me to make it about me. Lord, let me live this life of mine to be all about you and not about me. It's not about me, it's all about you. I have to remind myself of that daily, Lord. Thank you for this clear reminder and good old slap in the face via my own fingers. Thank you, Lord.
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