Retreat

I just returned from a weekend away. I was a whopping 11 miles from home, yet felt 100 miles away in so many aspects. I don't like leaving my children and family in general. This is my place, my heart. Oh but the Lord knows so much better than me. He reminded me how much I needed this retreat, how much I needed a break. He reminded me just how much I need Him and only Him. Am I willing to leave everything and follow Him? Yes, I am. Do I believe he'd ever call me to just abandon my children, not at all. He just wants to know that I would. To those who don't believe, that may seem crazy and extremely confusing, but for a believer we have to be all in. We don't and can not be half way in, with our walk with the Lord. Do you believe or not? Do you fully trust Him or not? We are all called Christ's bride. Do we leave the old and step into the new? We can renew our vows to Him every single day. We drop the sins away, and let his love take us.
I needed this weekend. I needed to be surrounded by my sisters in Christ. I needed to soak in the Lord, in prayer, in worship, in His complete and astounding AWESOMENESS!
I am so thankful, that even if I feel far away from God, I know that HE is not far from me. He loves me, beyond all measures that I could ever imagine!
I'm refreshed and renewed.

Now off to be mom and wife and start cleaning up the house from a weekend of Momma being gone! ;)

Punch in the stomach moments

Tonight, I was browsing on facebook and came across a mom whose son went through chemo with Jordyn and had his bone marrow transplant (BMT) with Jordyn. I'm nosey by nature, no reason to lie, I am. I click on his facebook page and felt the punch into my stomach as I see he's married. The tears began to flow and grief took over. The reality of what never will be when it comes to Jordyn was in my face. Now I should say 2 girls that were in treatment with Jordyn have both gotten married and one is actually expecting her first baby, which is such a miracle in and of itself (relapsed I believe twice after her initial diagnosis, so a great deal of chemo and radiation). There was just something about seeing him, smiling, alive, and married. Now please understand that I am so happy he's alive, that he's happy, that he's married. It was simply a reminder of what I'll never get to experience with Jordyn.
Grief is funny like that. It has no rhyme or reason. It comes at the oddest time and just simply makes no sense what so ever. Tonight I was reminded just how raw grief can be and how quickly it can wash over. Thankfully, it didn't last long. I talked through it with a friend and by the end the tears were gone and all I felt was joy, pure joy for this young man who has survived childhood cancer and has truly beaten the odds. He had a harsh cancer to begin with, he had as far as I know 2 bone marrow transplants. I do remember when we were in the hospital he was dealing with some pretty severe graf vs host disease (which is a good and bad thing to have, if it's mild it's a great thing to have and what we wish Jordyn would have had, but when it's severe it's often deadly and he had it severely so to know he survived makes my heart sing). I can not tell you how happy I am that he's living his life and I have no doubt, living it well.

I am finding that I'm constantly fighting against my nature and in that fighting my husband for control. I get frustrated and fly off the handle at the drop of a hat. I would love to feel peace for more than 5 days straight. To feel contentment for more than a couple days at a time. I know the problem, I do get it. I'm frustrated with myself that I can not be stronger in my walk with the Lord and I know what I NEED to do. I need to be in my bible every single day. I am NOT though.
I know what I need to do and I need to do it. It's not hard. It's laziness, plain and simple, lazy.

Clear Heads Prevails

So I haven't talked to one of my best friends, E in I guess about a week. Tonight we talked and as we were talking, I thought of something that had been discussed in my Sunday School class and let me just say that GOD hit me on the side of the head and opened my blind eyes.
When we see people who seem that everything is always going in their way, that this is as good as it's ever going to get for them. This IS their Heaven. Then there's others who seem that every turn, is something else going wrong in their life. This is their hell, and Heaven is waiting for them and is going to be so much better than ANYTHING this world could ever offer.
When I shared that with my friend, it was a light bulb. I allowed Satan to not only whisper his lies to me, but I believed them. I have been a stupid, stupid, stupid woman. I am oh so thankful that GOD opened my eyes.
I am going to continue to be honest here, I've kept so much bottled up and I think that's part of how Satan was able to get ahold of me. Instead of me sharing and allowing others to pray for me. I have learned that I must be more open. I can be prayed for and with and if people don't like who I AM, that's okay. I can handle people not liking me and I don't need 1,000 followers. I just need to be honest and true to who GOD has made me to be.
Keep praying, because let me tell you...this girl has some issue's! ;) But, I have a much bigger GOD, whether I can feel Him or not. He's always there and he loves me.

Where Are You?

I don't feel God in my life right now. A friend this morning at PWOC (bible study) said this may be a time where he's carrying you. I don't know. I hope so. I just don't know.
I need HIM, more than anyone else and  yet I feel alone, abandoned, tossed aside. Where are you, Father? I want to feel loved. I want to feel that I matter to you. I know you died on a cross for me, for my sins, because you love me that much. I SHOULD feel loved. Oh GOD, please hear the cries of my heart.
Please help me out of this dark place. I truly feel Satan circling me and feel him winning in my life. I want the tears to stop, I want the hopelessness to leave my heart. I am so desperate for you, please don't leave me. I have not felt this lost since Jordyn died. I feel like David's Psalms are all across me, his cries for you.
I am tired of being so lonely. Tired of being so sad. Tired of feeling so unloved. One day this will be over. I don't want to just get through this life. I really do want to live it. I just don't know how to right now. I miss you.

I'm Done

I'm done not being real. I'm done putting a smile on my face and acting like everything is "fine" or "good". Things are not great in really any aspect of my life. I'm unhappy with my "self" in general. I don't like my body, I don't like who I've become. I'm not a good wife to my husband, I'm a worse mom to my kids. I loose it constantly on everyone.
I can't tell you the last time anyone actually listened to ME. I don't know the last time I let anyone know anything about me that is really deep. NO ONE and I do mean NO ONE knows and the fact is no one cares. I can remember from the time I was very young being told I was a "good listener" and from that time I've always felt like, it's because no one cares to hear ME.
I feel empty. I feel unloved. I am lost. Desperate.
I am not suicidal, but do think life would be so much better if God would just take me home. I sound dramatic and ridiculous. Is it too much to ask for people who claim to care and love me to actually show it? Is it too much to want a friend to ask "how are you" and actually feel like they REALLY want to know and are not just waiting for you to stop talking so they can start? It's been so long since I had that. I'm starting to question if that's even out there for me.
The woman who knows the Lord, tells herself "God's trying to get your attention. Lean on Him. Tell Him." The selfish part of me says "I know that, but I also want just one person in this world to really care and want to hear what I have to say." 
I don't know if it'll happen, I'm not counting on it. So I'm just going to be real here. I don't expect that anyone will read this. It's fine.
I have decided that since I on facebook quite a bit, I'm going to start deleting people and limiting what most can see on my page. If I don't think you're a real friend, you're either being limited or deleted. I'm tired of reaching out and sharing parts of my life, and getting nothing.

I have a "friend" who lives a few states away. Not long after we moved back, we talked and she said she was going to come visit. She didn't. As soon as another friend moved to the same state, but different place, she drove those hours and spent a weekend with her, not a word to me. That hurt. I'd never do that to her. IF I was with in 2 hours of her, I'd have at least let her know so if she could come meet me she could have. I would have came up to see her, even if just for a few hours, but obviously I don't mean crap to her. So I'm done being "nice". I refuse to leave my heart open to people who don't care. You know, that's not true. I do care. It hurts and when I brought it up, it was made clear that I was not a priority to her. She can stick by friends who are liars, cheats, and treat her like crap. I don't have to be treated that way as well and I won't be anymore.

I'm tired of being the one who has to go visit people, yet no one can bother to visit me. It's what it is at this point. I am finally seeing my value to others and it's not squat. I've allowed that, but I'm done. If I'm not important to you, then I'll do us both a favor and step away.

Psalms 86

Last night at small groups (bible study) we are talking about prayer and focused on Psalms 86. The Lord's word is so convicting, in a good way, yet whew. As we were going around the room asking for prayer, I knew what I had to ask others to pray for me over, my ease of flying off the handle with the kids, especially my older ones. Here's the thing, I do not know what I'm angry over or why I just fly off the handle so easily.

Psalms 86
A prayer of David. Hear me, LORD, and answer me, for I am poor and needy. Guard my life, for I am faithful to you; save your servant who trusts in you. You are my God; have mercy on me, Lord, for I call to you all day long. Bring joy to your servant, Lord, for I put my trust in you. You, Lord, are forgiving and good, abounding in love to all who call to you. Hear my prayer, LORD; listen to my cry for mercy. When I am in distress, I call to you, because you answer me. Among the gods there is none like you, Lord; no deeds can compare with yours.All the nations you have made will come and worship before you, Lord; they will bring glory to your name. For you are great and do marvelous deeds; you alone are God, Teach me your way, LORD, that I may rely on your faithfulness; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear your name. I will praise you, Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify your name forever. For great is your love toward me; you have delivered me from the depths, from the realm of the dead. Arrogant foes are attacking me, O God; ruthless people are trying to kill me— they have no regard for you. But you, Lord, are a compassionate and gracious God, slow to anger, abounding in love and faithfulness. Turn to me and have mercy on me; show your strength in behalf of your servant; save me, because I serve you just as my mother did. Give me a sign of your goodness, that my enemies may see it and be put to shame, for you, LORD, have helped me and comforted me. 


What I know is that as I study this scripture and pray on and through it, the Lord can change me. I need to be changed. I need to have more fear of the Lord and praise Him more. He shows me so much grace and I need to show grace towards my children. I need to be softer and kinder and just be gentle. I want to be like the Lord and be slow to anger and abound with love. I want to show the grace that the Lord shows me day in and day out.

As we prepare for our new school year to start I want it to be the best school year we've had. No tears, other than happy ones when it comes to school work. I want excitement and joy of learning. Okay, I am realistic and know that not every day we're going to be excited about school, but that does not mean we can not still find thankfulness in our school days. Let me focus on the love I have for my children and let them truly feel loved without question.

I want to be more like Jesus and less like me. 

Outcast

I'm a pretty outgoing person, I rarely have a hard time talking to people. Yesterday the homeschool group here had a picnic. I have never felt so out of place and uncomfortable. Thinking about it right now makes me tear up, not because I'm an over-emotional sap (I used to be, but the last few years not a lot makes me cry), but because I was hurt that no one could be bothered to talk to me. I was late, but it's a picnic so that to me normally means it's a bit more open ended. We got there, placed our food on the table, made our plates. I said hello to a couple people and got a "hi" and nothing else. Now please know I did not expect everyone to stop what they were doing and greet me, but I did expect people to be more friendly. I sat down at a table where another lady was sitting and had been eating. As soon as we sat down, she turned around (at a picnic table) and started talking to another lady. I sat there, eating my watermellon, feeding Olivia, and fought off the tears. It was like this ugly click and I was obviously  not welcome. My kids were asking me when we could leave.
Now this was not our first time with this homeschool group. When we first moved back we went to a field trip, met other families, felt immediately welcome, spoke with MANY other parents. Yesterday could not have been more different. I ended up speaking with one person, a young woman who recently moved here, who has a mutual friend. She was getting her kids and leaving and walked past me and recognized me and we talked for about 5 minutes. That was it. Chad had met me there, since I had a drs apt at 1:00, so he took the kids and I left. We were there for a little over 30 minutes and had I ever suspected it'd be that way, we'd have NEVER went.
I am still digesting how to handle it, whether I address it with the group as a whole on our page on facebook or just let it go. I would NEVER want another person to feel like we did yesterday, but I also do not want to stir up drama or be thought of as this dramatic mess.
I know I could have put myself into conversations, but it's hard when it's so obvious that you are NOT welcome. I've lived long enough to know when a person's simply not welcome.
I told Chad, maybe it's time I start looking outside of the military for support, since our time is ending. Maybe this was the Lord's way to begin to prepare me for civilian life.
This has made me miss Germany so much. I miss my Bamberg home school group. My sweet friends who would and never did make a new family feel excluded, but instead probably overwhelmed them with love and welcoming them to the group. I have no memories of anyone ever being excluded.
I don't know how I'm going to handle this yet, but I know I want to be gentle and most of all be led by the Lord.

Olivia is healing well. Her left hand no longer has to be bandaged and although there's still healing to be done, but she's able to have full use of it now. Her right hand is making a lot of progress as well. All the skin that had been blistered on her palm came off on Monday, you can now see the skin that survived and it was a good amount more than her doctor thought would have survived, so he was really happy with that. She also has lots of new, pink, tender skin growing. Right now her doctor does not think she'll need surgery, but it just depends on how tight the skin grows, if it's too tight they'd have to go in and fix that, but at this point he does not think she'll need surgery. I continue to pray she doesn't. I am so thankful that although this is still hard, she's healing well and that when it's all said and done, she will not have any memory of it.
We have seen the Lord's grace through every step of this. I look at those who do not have a relationship with Christ and just do not know how they do it. I'm so thankful we have the Lord and lean on Him, trust Him, serve Him.

In a moment

We have had a busy, fun, and crazy last few weeks. One of Jacob's best friends from Germany came and spent ultimately 2 1/2 weeks with us. It was a good visit for the boys, although Jacob was away at church camp the 2nd week while his friend was here. Jacob had such a great time at camp though with all the fun stuff and on fire for the Lord most importantly! Jacob was at camp during the first week of July. On the 4th of July we had plans of swimming, grilling, and going to town to watch the fire works, home to set off a few of our own with the intentions of saving the majority for when Jacob returned the next day. That was the plan. Swimming happened and Chad grilled and as Chad finished up grilling and turned to bring the food in and tell the kids to come in, our sweet, beautiful Olivia Joy walked over to the grill and touched it. Just writing it still makes me sick to my stomach. Her sweet little hands were burned severely. Her right hand endured the worst of it her whole palm and all her fingers, there are 2nd and 3 degree burns on her tiny little hand. On her left hand her thumb and first two fingers each had a burn and the fatty area between her thumb and index finger also had a blister. Those were "only" 2nd degree burns and right now are very close to being healed. We were told 10 to 14 days for 2nd degree burns and thankfully her left hand seems to be on par for that healing schedule. We spent about 2 hours at the ER the evening of the 4th and then the next day took her to Wichita to the hospital there that has a burn center. Can I just say it takes a very special and unique person to be able to work with burn victims, I am not that person. I sat there holding my baby girl, as they popped blisters and cut away the dead skin, as she screamed from pain, I sobbed.
It took just 5 seconds of Chad turning his back for this to happen and we're now a week and 1 day out from this and I still find myself tearing up and feeling sick, to know the pain my little girl experienced. I just hate it.
We returned to Wichita the following Tuesday (as in 3 days ago) and went to the burn specialists. He was happy with how she's healing up and said that after today we do not have to wrap her left hand any longer. I asked how long it may take (knowing that every one heals different and every burn is different) and he said it could take possibly 2 months, there are a lot of factors that go into it. If she still has skin that's alive and healthy on her hands (palms and fingers) then it'll heal faster and if not it'll take longer and then we may have to discuss her having a graf done, but he does not at this point think surgery/graf will be necessary. The thing is, it's just a matter of waiting and seeing though. We go back next Tuesday to his office so he can once again check her hand and see the healing process.
I am in such awe of Olivia. She had such a rough start to life and showed nothing but courage and strength as a newborn that knew no difference. Here she is at just a little over a year old, once again showing strength and courage. I know I would cry and complain constantly if it was me, although I so wish it was me over her. I have learned a great deal about burns, honesty far more than I ever wanted to know.
Chad is excellent at changing Olivia's dressings, I on the other hand, am not. I'm extremely thankful that it's not left up to me to do, although this week, I'm going to work on doing it so I can do it alone, since next week he has 24 hour duty one day and I will have to do it alone, with the most help being from Emma, which will not really be help!
Next week our big boys will be off to camp for a week. I'm excited for them, but I know I'll miss them. Jack is so excited, tomorrow both the boys will get packed and we'll pick up any items that are needed that we don't have.

We are so thankful that although our girl is going through something I would like to take away, we have seen God's hand through all of this, holding her closely, putting the best doctors and care in our path, and help with our other children when we've needed it.