The Choices we regret

I had started to write another post, but as I did I was pulling up links on the type of leukemia Jordyn had, and of course there I was reading it all (again). Jordyn had AML leukemia M5, one please go and read and read about the subtype (M5)..to see what that precious, wonderful, beautiful little girl was up against.
What I've known for quite some time and saw a few years ago as a cause that had been proven, but had not ever read "officially" was that tabacco smoke as a cause/risk factor. Well it's there now in black and white and I have myself to blame. I lived with my parents, 2 heavy smokers for Jordyn's first 7 months, while Chad was in Bosnia. Let me tell you, people who say they wouldn't change a thing in their life, well if they're being honest good for them, but I would ABSOLUTELY change things (many) but the most important is the choice Chad and I made for Jordyn and I to stay with my parents for those 7 months. I should have gotten us out of that house, I should have NEVER moved in with them to begin with. NEVER allowed them to smoke around her or me while I was pg with her. But I was stupid and felt I still had to "do as they said", knowing it was so harmful. I HATED and of course still do, smoking.

I don't know if I will EVER be able to forgive myself for being so weak and stupid. I ultimately signed Jordyn's death certificate by a choice that didn't ever have to be made. Listen to me now, if you hear nothing else...DO NOT allow your children to be exposed to Tabacco smoke/2nd hand smoke. I promise you, you do NOT want to be here in my shoes, wheeping knowing that it's YOUR fault your child had to suffer so and die. You don't want to know that she didn't HAVE to go through the pain and suffering caused by chemo and radiation and a bone marrow transplant. You don't want to watch your beautiful child shrink before your eyes as the cancer eats away every single calorie before her body can do anything with them. You don't want to hear your sweet little baby tell you she wants to go to God instead of stay with you. You most definately don't want to wake up just as she takes her last breath and you BEG and PLEAD to GOD to please, please, please give her back. You don't. I promise you. You don't want to know what it's like to call your husband who's states away, to bury his grandfather...and have to tell him he has to come home because his baby has died.
Had I made ONE simple decision, my life could be completely different. I will never know though what it's like to have Jordyn grow past 2 yrs old. I ache for her. It's been 8 years and I still absolutely ACHE for her. God's allowed me another chance to raise a daughter and has blessed me with our 2 little boys and let me tell you I won't make that same deadly mistake twice.

Please, I am begging you....don't chance living with this pain, this guilt, this heartache. I pray GOD has forgiven me and I pray Jordyn has. It's my fault and I accept that. I pray my other children will forgive me one day when they know the truth, had their mom just stood up and said "NO" they could have had their big sister. I just have to figure out how to forgive myself.

Better

Thank you for the prayers. Emma seems to be better. She's been in a great mood all morning. I woke up with a massive headache, but that's better now too so it's turning out to be a good day! I'll try to write more later this afternoon or evening!

Small Prayer

Can you please keep Emma Grace in your prayers. She vomitted tonight 4 times (in a row pretty well), all over my bed when I'd put her down for the night. I stripped the bed, nursed her, got her back to sleep, she stayed sleeping on the couch while I remade the bed and she's now in the bed sleeping peacefully.

I don't know if it was something she ate for dinner or if she's catching something. There's something going around post (some sort of bug) so she could have caught that.

Anways we have a committment tomorrow night and I can of course cancel, but I'm supposed to be providing childcare at the Hospitality House and I hate to put them in a bind. It's not the worst thing that could happen, but my biggest concern is Emma and how she's feeling.

I'm off to bed and will cuddle with my girl. Thank you for any and all prayers.

Day 3-Prayer for America

Day 3 - Prayer for America
5. Pray for the leaders, churches and Christians of Arizona and Arkansas.

6. Pray for all of our Representatives and Senators who serve in the U.S. Congress, that they will govern with God-honoring discernment and preserve the freedoms we enjoy as Americans.

My prayer today:

Lord of all tonight we seek your wisdom and forgiveness. We pray for those in Arizona and Arkansas. The Christians who live in these two states as well as the leadership of both states. No matter what side of the isle they "sit" on, Lord we pray that the Holy Spirit will be in them and they will do your will for our country and nothing less.

Prayers for all our Representatives and Senators from every state in our country. Lord, in the next two days major decisions could be made for our country as the House votes for the new bill. I pray that if it's in your will it will pass, but if it's not, it will fail and fail miserably. Only you are sovereign enough to get our country out of the mess we got ourselves into and only you can truly bless our country. No matter what comes, I pray that every person who seeks you, will praise you through this storm and all others still to come. You blessed us oh Lord with a country that has been fruitful in so many ways, yet arrogant and ungrateful in just as many. Lord forgive me as your child and as a child who's been blessed to be born in America. Lord, I thank you for every blessing and challenge you place before me and our country. Let us be a country that is seeking you and desiring your ways.

It's in your holy name
Amen

Just In Case You Wonder How Our Nation Got Into This Mess

Click on this link and take a look, for those who keep trying to BLAME our current President and the Republicans...sorry you can't change FACTS (btw..normally can't stand the NYT)



Fannie Mae Eases Credit To Aid Mortgage Lending - New York Times

Homeschooling

Over the last 3 years of our family homeschooling the biggest misconception I've come across is that you have to have patience. If you're a Christian then they should know better than to say that word anyways, because we all know that the way we gain patience is by being tested to our limits (or so it often seems/feels! LOL). The fact is though we did not go into this decision lightly. We had spent literally years praying over it. God had convicted me on this, and I then asked Chad to pray over it and he did and eventually felt that this was what we were supposed to do for and with our children.

I want to be brutally honest. There are days that if one of the atributes of homeschooling was "patience" on my end, we would absolutely NOT be homeschooling. There are days I think I'm going to pull my hair out. There are days I get out and out angry, frustrated, and ask God "Seriously, this is what you want us doing?" but gently his whispers to me "yes"....and so we continue. Most days are great, don't get me wrong...but do not think that you need to be the Queen (or King) of patience to homeschool. Most of my friends who do have the same amount of patience for their children as you do.
The other thing I normally hear along with "patience" is how frustrated they get "by just helping with homework". Well think about it, of course you do! The kids have spent anywhere from 7-9 hours in school...with only a few breaks. You as parents have spent the same amount of time at work, volunteering, cleaning home, etc...ultimately you've both have full, busy, and very tiring days by the time they're home from school. Shocking that no one's in the mood for homework. I wouldn't have the desire to help either and I imagine my kids wouldn't want much to do with homework either. We vary in how long it takes for the boys to get their school work done, some days it's 1 1/2 hrs some days it's 5.

Not everyone is called to homeschool, not everyone should homeschool...but for those of us who are a good majority of us have been called by the Lord and are trying our best to be obediant. If you feel called or your spouse is feeling called for your family to homeschool, I urge you to pray, listen, and most of all OBEY our Lord. If he's leading you to it, he will most definately get you through it. There will most definately be tough days, but the rewarding days will far out way the negative!

I'm planning on blogging more about our school days and posting some pictures of us doing school. Trust me most days aren't exciting, but there are some really awesome days when your child gets something and you want to jump for joy!

Have a Blessed Day

1 John 5:3 This is love for God: to obey his commands. And his commands are not burdensome,

I love this!!

I was off blog hopping and came across this and just love it!! For all us Mom's out there, this one's for you!!!

Day 2 Prayer for America

Day 2 - Prayer for America
3. Pray for the leaders, churches and Christians of Alabama and Alaska.

4. Pray that Christian leaders across America would seek God's heart for vision, wisdom and direction. (Jeremiah 33:3)


Lord we come to you and cry out for Alabama and Alaska. I pray that the leaders and residents of this state are seeking you and are trusting you Lord to guide them to make the wisest decisions for the state in and of itself and for their families.
Lord I pray that our leaders throughout our country will be leaders who are after your heart, who will stop seeking greed, and start seeking forgiveness as we all should. Lord hear their heart cry and comfort them.
I know our country as a whole has lessons to be learned about selfishness, pride, and greed. Lord I pray that we can all be humbled from this lesson(s) and truly learn and do better for YOU as well as for our country.
Thank you for being as gracious to us as you have. I praise you through this storm.

In your holy and blessed name....
Amen

Hello All the new "bloggers"

Well for those who are not regular posters to AOL J'land, you may not know this, but AOL is closing down their journals (blogs) and a new influx of bloggers is joining in over here and various other blog spots.

I hope you'll read my previous post and pray with me and others for our nation for the next 30 days. Scroll down and read "Nation in Crisis" and see what we're doing and how it came about!

God Bless

Day 1: Pray For America

Day 1 - Prayer for America


1. Pray for a great outpouring of God's Spirit on America (Joel 2:28; Acts 2:17).

2. Pray for the President and Vice President, that their hearts would be guided by God, that their decisions would be wise, and that their leadership would be principled.

My prayer:

Lord, God our Father, I come to you tonight on my face in prayer for our nation. Lord you gave us this nation to prosper and we have and yet we have been selfish in what you've given us and Lord we look to you for guidance. Lord I pray for President Bush and VP Cheney. I pray that you will give them wisdom and discernment as they along with Congress and Senate try to find a solution. Lord I pray that they are both seeking your guidance. You have given them wisdom and I pray they will use YOUR wisdom through every single day. Their job is not an easy one and they are often the ones being blamed, even when it was not their wrong doing. I pray that the people of our nation will give them grace as they try to find a solution to this crisis.

It's in your Holy Name we come to you....
Amen